Asking Why?

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.                      (Galatians 1:10)  

Recently, I met with my study group and one of the ladies attending asked a question that took me off guard.  She asked us all "Why?", specifically why were we doing this particular study, what was our motivation?

Why?  

That is a small question with big implications.  And, her question stuck with me.  Why, indeed.  I started applying that question to everything I was doing... my decisions, my schedule, my responses.  I began using it like a speed bump in my journey through life.  Allowing it to slow me down and really make me think.

 Then I noticed, I began to apply it to other people.  If they said something that upset me, instead of responding immediately... I asked myself "Why, do you think she said that?".

I was able to see things a bit clearer in my life and in my relationship with others.  Why, gave me clarity.

In Galatians 1:10, we are presented with a WHY question.  Why are we doing the things we do, saying the things we say?  Are we doing it for the approval of man?  Or, of God?  Are we doing it to be accepted by the world?  Or, is it for the Kingdom?  Are we trying to please others?  Or, God?

And, in a further step in thought.... am I doing it for my glory or His? In the new year, we face a lot of choices.  I challenge all of us to add the question of WHY into our decision making process.  Pray that God will reveal the motivations of our heart and the heart of others so that we can make the decisions that glorify Him!

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Is Your Soap Box Too Big

 

“It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.”    Acts 15:19

Recently, I was reading a blog series called “The Homemaking Pharisee” and a portion jumped off the screen at me. The author had a subject matter she was overtly passionate about, it was purely her opinion... but she had allowed it to become gospel to her. It had become an idol. Because of this, people were unwilling to talk to her or include her in discussions about the topic. Finally someone brought this to her attention. Her response: “I do not want to be that person who no one can talk to about that subject because my soap box is just too big.”.

  Some well meaning Christians can trip into being just like the Pharisees! We can get wrapped up in things we are passionate about or where God has called us & try to make everyone else apply that in their lives. A strong Christian can easily chuck those things right off their shoulders. We know what The Word says. But for a new believer, we can create unrealistic expectations. We can make ourselves seem so “holy” that they will fear even speaking to us!  And, when people start fearing talking to us... they can quickly disappear from our lives, our studies and our church.

Lord, I pray that you will reveal to me the areas where I have allowed my pride to get before my witness. Help me to soften my heart and my attitude to those around me. Let me speak your truth, not my own. Amen.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In the World

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world, but that you protect them from the evil one.
John 17:15

There was a time in my early adulthood, I had to walk away from my friends. All of them. They were not good influences on me. When I had made some decisions in my life to change the path I was going down, they were not supportive. I knew at that time in my life, this was not working. I had to walk away. I had to surround myself with those who would lift me up, encourage me & help me stay on the straight and narrow.

In time, I would begin to surround myself with Christians who shared the same convictions. I would grow stronger in my faith. At first it was all very serious, bible studies, church fellowship. We were not having “fun” in the same sense as I did before. I can't deny that I missed having fun with my friends. Eventually, I found myself within a group of Christian women who were having FUN. We were laughing until the tears started flowing, we were dancing the night away, celebrating holidays with each other. Creating memories & filling that void in the “FUN” department that I had been longing for.

As I was putting myself back out in the world, I started making non-Christian friends too. We would have a good time together as well. But, admittedly I kept them separate. Let's face it, they didn't always use the best language and would sometimes have pretty liberal views on politics, religion and life in general. After several years, I decided I was going to have a small gathering of my friends. I had invited one of my non-Christian friends to attend. Unfortunately at the last minute, she had to cancel. But she said something I will never forget... “Gena, I am so disappointed that I couldn't come and meet the rest of your friends. I adore you, and you are such a great person...I am sure your other friends are too. I wish I could have met them. If they are anything like you, I bet they are lovely.” She was wanting to surround herself with more people like me. What made me different than any of her other friends or acquaintances? Christ.

She saw me as a Christian woman, who cared about people, was a dedicated wife and mother, but she also saw that I was fun to be around. She heard me, when I spoke about my failures and imperfections. She heard me, when I talked about striving to do and be better. Every conversation wasn't a deep theological debate. I wasn't trying to spend every waking moment of our friendship trying to convert her. I was simply being a good friend, who loved her, cared about her, and was there for her. As a natural part of our friendship... God entered the picture. If she was going to get to know me, it wasn't something that could be avoided. The more she go to know me, the more she desired to know more people that were like me.

God doesn't want us to surround ourselves with only other Christians. If we do that, we can't reach those who do not know Him. We have no influence on the world. We are not light in the darkness. However, we don't walk out into the world without His protection. We wear the Armor of God. We understand His love for us, and His desires for us to follow His word. We pray for His protection. We stand firm in our convictions. It is His spirit within us, that draws others to us. We are just the vessel.

A challenge my husband presented me with was to each day pray to God asking Him to make me a vessel in the course of my day.  Asking Him to give me the right words, at the right moment.  Sometimes we have a once in a life time opportunity to reach a person, other times it is slow through the course of building a relationship. 

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

A broken mug

As a whole I am not a sentimental person.  I do however have a few possessions that I value because they are my favorite.  One is my gigantic Eeyore coffee mug.  I have had it longer than I can remember, it holds nearly a whopping 3 cups of coffee.  It is the best.

Or it was.

A few nights ago, just as I was leaving from a meeting.... I got a text from my teenager.

"I broke your Eeyore coffee mug.  It slipped out of my hands.  I couldn't catch it."

My immediate response was "Are you ok?"

She replied, "Yes."

And then I said "That is all that matters.  It's just a cup.  You are more important."

Now you are probably wondering what is so remarkable about this reasonable response. It is remarkable because it is a new one for me.  Not that long ago, I would have certainly been concerned for my child's welfare....but I would have been volcanic about it being broken.

My normal response would have been...

Why are you using my cup?

This is why you shouldn't touch things that are not yours!

There are 100 cups in the house, why did you have to use mine?

This is why I never buy anything nice!

Does any of this response sound familiar to you?

Just a few months ago, I was reminded of the anniversary of my friend's daughter passing.

She was a spunky 8 year old, who was living her life to the fullest, and defying odds every day she was on this earth.  They were told to abort her, that she would never make it out of the hospital.  Yet she graced this earth for 8 wonderful years, touching the hearts of many, and paving a way for children who have her same condition to live a longer life.

How could I be upset over a stupid coffee cup, when I have a friend mourning the absence of such a prominent figure in her life?

I'd break and throw away everything in my house that has any value to me.... in order to keep my kids here with me.  I know heaven is great.... but I'm going be selfish on this one.

When I got home, my husband confessed to me that she was a wreck over having telling me.  Her sisters had chided her with the standard "mom is going to be mad, you are going to be in so much trouble".  In fact, I believe I heard something about them vying over which one of them was going to tattle on her.  I also think that is why she texted me.  She knew she wanted to tell me first.  But, she also was so worried about response, the text was safe.  I'd have time to cool down before I got home. 

I told him, I was glad she was brave enough to tell me.  Even if by text.  She could have easily tried to hide it or fix it.  We've all seen the sitcoms based on just this scenario.

Funny how 15 years into this thing called "motherhood" and I am just starting to figure it all out.

Or, maybe not.  Apparently I need to have a conversation about tattling again.

Transparency

I am a fairly transparent person, always have been.  To the point, that my mom wouldn't allow me to open gifts in front of people.  I wasn't rude.  She said you could read it on my face.

When I am happy, you know it.
When I am sad, you know it.
When I am angry.... um, yeah.... it's obvious.

When I speak, I say exactly what I mean.  I don't mince words.  There is no hidden subtext or agenda.  A question is just a question.  Nothing more than my settling my own curiosity.  If I have an issue with the situation or your answer, then I will speak my mind.  If I say nothing more, that means your answer satisfied my curiosity.

I also generally have an "agree to disagree" personality.  Which is why I can be friends with people who have different opinions than I do.... politics, religion, etc.  I don't mind if you have a differing opinion.  What I do have a problem with is when a person is expressing an opinion as fact, or that is 100% in accurate.

Recently someone very close to me hurt me very deeply.  Her comments stung not because of any conviction on my part... but because someone who I thought was so close to me would say something so horrible.... and untrue.

What also upset me was that this person was standing firmly in their righteous indignation, to the point of passing judgment upon others & expecting them to take this criticism .... totally unapologetic..... yet was the first person to throw a complete and total tantrum if someone where to dare correct her.

It brought me to this question:

Do we really want true authentic, transparent friendships?

Or do we really want a one way glass....where the other is transparent and we can pick them apart but yet our flaws are totally concealed to them, leaving us beyond reproof.

Depression....

Depression.... an old foe.  Something that I try to ignore and get past.  Something that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again, to pull the carpet out from underneath me.

It found me yesterday.  Born from anger, fed by disappointment, leaving me lying on the couch waving my white flag.

It exposed my lonliness.
It revealed my unfulfilled longing.
It rubbed my heart raw.
It ensnared my thoughts turning them against me.

It proved to me all my suspicions to be true.
It broke me.

It said..... You have no real friends, not true ones who you can really count on.
It said..... They talk about you behind your back, spreading lies and misinformation.
It said..... They look down on you & think you are not worthy.
It said..... They think you are a bad parent.
It said..... They think you are a bad Christian.

It spoke in quiet whispers in my head.
It spoke in booming words from my own lips as I repeated the thoughts it planted.

It brought me to a place of simply just wanting to leave.  To find somewhere new to live, to pick up the family and just move.  Go elsewhere.  Leave it all behind.

It brought me to a place that said forget everything that you enjoy doing, just stay home with your family.... they are the only ones who care anyway.

It also brought me to my knees.  Praying to God to reveal what lesson there is all that is going on in my life.  What can I learn here?  Why do I feel so disconnected?  Where are you moving me Lord?

You see... when Depression shows up on the doorstep.... I try hard to not let it in.  But sometimes that door gets opened, despite how much I push it closed.  And like an unwanted house guest, I entertain it for a while.  And then, when I have had enough .... I send it packing.



Depression doesn't own me.  It doesn't define me.  It can't steal my hope, or my joy.  There will be trials in this life.

.... I can overcome those things.

Because God is bigger, better, dependable and gracious.

He promises a hope and a future, not harm.

I hold to His promises.  His word never fails.

IS IT ME?

Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends.  When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out.  I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on.  By college, I didn't care about friendship at all.  I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.

Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends.  When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends.  I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children.  But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done.  My youngest was the age of their oldest.  Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about.  I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training.  The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.

Then I started making some new friends.  A little here and there.  Things were looking good.  But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change.  One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess.  Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it.  And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were.  I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening.  I told my husband the whole bit.  I told him I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving.  I was the same person I always way.  I hadn't changed.  But it seemed like they did and were changing.  I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way.  I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.

He said... "Maybe it IS you."

I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right.  I asked him to expound on it.  He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it.  I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser.  I shared what was going on.  I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions.  I shared how these people were responding.  I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.

One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women?  IT IS YOU.

I was changing.  Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.

What was changing?

- I wanted more authentic relationships with people.  I was done with superficial face time talk.  I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships.  Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.

In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life".  The answer was, nothing.  It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her.  Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath.  I couldn't just say something, always it was read into.  It was unhealthy.  It brought me no good.  When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."

He was right.  It was over.

In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different.  There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life.  She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her.  So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.

The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too.  This was not just my imagination.  The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me.  When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does.  I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I explained that it was never my intention.

While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings.  For that I am sorry. 

Now the balls sits in her court.

I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.

As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close.  I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck.  Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.

I have an amazing family and an amazing God.

Stop Giving Money Power

When I was younger, we grew up with very little money.  While I wouldn't call us poor, we were not  middle class.  I never went without electricity, but I can recall meals were sometimes an issue.  For example, I can recall digging in the couch & car looking for enough change to buy 2 50c tacos from Taco Bell and a $1 soda to split with my mom.  I can remember when she started dating again, she would only eat 1/2 of her meal and bring the rest home for me as my dinner.

Things eventually got better as my siblings moved out of the house.  But, this time period had a distinct impression on me.

Money was important.

I didn't know much about what I wanted to do with my future, other than the fact I wanted to do something that would make me a lot of money.  Money meant power to me.  Power to control your future.  Power to have whatever you wanted in life.  The more money I had, that more I could do.

I remember getting my first real job, after graduating high school.  One of the first things I did was "establish credit" by opening up a credit card account at a local store.  After several months of buying things and paying off my bill, I was upgraded to a gold card.  This made me feel so very important, like I had achieved some sort of status.

I got older, married, had a baby and became a stay at home mom.

I watched as our monthly income dwindled to down & things got harder.

I had lost power.

Power to get whatever I wanted, financially.
Power to make decisions on what I bought, since my husband was providing the income.
Power to go further in life, a loss of status.

Or, so I thought.

I had given money so much power, that without it I felt lost.  I didn't think I had anything.  And prospects.  Any future.  Then I started doing whatever I could to attain that power again.  I was trying to figure out ways to bring in money.

Over the years we would be brought to humbleness in regards to our money.  We almost lost our home.  Something had changed in me, by that point.

My husband and I began taking a class called "Financial Peace University" at a local church.  Over the course of the study, I realized how little power money actually had.  I stopped allowing money (how much or how lack there of) to define who I was or how my life would be lived.

My emotional attachment to the need of money was gone.

It was easier to give money away, to those who were in need.
It was easier to spend it on my kids and not complain about my "sacrifices" for the family.
When something broke that was an expensive repair, I didn't worry.  It was just money.  Pieces of paper sitting around, with the purpose of being spent for just this very thing.

And if we had to go without for a while, that was ok too.

You see once I took the power away from money, it wasn't important to me at all.

What did become important was what I was doing with that money.

I didn't care so little about it that I would waste it, I simply recognized that while money had no power ... I did.  God did.

Money doesn't solve our problems.  It either makes the bigger, or simply gives us different ones.  People with a lot of money are not happier.  They are not exempt from the troubles in this life.

Some of the happiest people are those who have a lot less money, but a lot more quality in their lives.

I Stand Corrected

I am going to be honest, I do not take well to criticism.  I am an eager learner, I don't mind being corrected when I am wrong.  I value the opinions of others.  I am a move forward, not back kind of girl. But, there are times when I can allow criticism to get under my skin.  But, there is a difference between criticism and correction.

Recently my husband informed me that I “don't finish projects”.  For those reading this, who know me personally, you are probably wondering if this man knows me at all!  My husband was not correcting me or guiding me, he was being critical.  I didn't take kindly to it and I proceeded to remind him that he was the one who initiated our journey into Dave Ramsey living.  If he would like me to finish our household projects, I'd be happy to... the moment he handed me a credit card or expanded my personal budget.  (I was being very sarcastic, I really wouldn't do that.)   I wanted him to understand I was doing the best with what I was given, and he needed to be patient through our “cash only process”. 

As I was reflecting on the confrontation I had with my friend (see last week's devotion), I asked myself if I was being critical of her.  Or, was my assessment of the situation accurate & correction was the right course.  That is, after all, what correction is.  We are helping someone who has taken a turn get back on course.  In some cases it is an obvious sharp turn, and in others it has been a slow, gradual, drift.  When I struggle with anything like this, I always turn to the Word.  If I can figure out what God has to say about it, perhaps figuring out my next steps won't be so hard. I also reached out to those I consider wise counsel.

As a result, I came to find that scripture not only tells us that we should correct our sisters in Christ, but we are also told how we should be responding to correction.  In reading this, it not only confirmed for me that my friend was responding incorrectly, but also made me take at look at my own responses to correction (and criticism
too).

Proverbs 19:20     Take good counsel and accept correction— that’s the way to live wisely and well.

How do you respond when someone corrects you?  Do you get defensive?  Do you make excuses?  Do you try and pass the buck & blame someone else?  Or, do you try to justify your behavior in order to make it ok?  When you read last weeks devotion, did you relate to it?  Have you responded in the same way my friend did?  Do you take it personally when a friend tries to encourage you to have a different perspective?  And, as Pastor Gordon asked us in our last series... are you
teachable? 

This bit of advice was shared with me, just this past week:
"When someone gives you advice that you don't want to hear, you should not react until you have:
            1) prayed about it
            2) compared the advice to Scripture
            3) asked yourself, is it true?" 
      
Being accountable to each other as friends is a two way street.  We must be willing to not only give correction, but also receive it.  If I speak in truth and love, then I should receive with love and humbleness.  I need to embrace this person, who cared about me enough to call me out on my behavior, and help me realize what I was doing & become better for it.

Proverbs 27:17    As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Lord, I pray that you give me a mouth that speaks, when it is time to speak; and ears to listen, when it is time to listen.  Help me to speak in YOUR truths, through MY love for my sisters in Christ.  Let me received YOUR truth, through THEIR love for me.  Protect our friendship from division, so that we may continue to encourage each other to be focused on YOU. Amen.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

To Correct or Not To Correct.... that is the question.

 

Recently, one of my best friends sent me a vague text stating that she was angry.   During the course of the discussion, I realized that I disagreed with her take on the situation.  Even more importantly, from a spiritual standpoint, I didn't agree with how she was responding to the situation.  As her friend, and a Christian, I decided to correct her. After all, isn't that what we are told to do? 

2 Timothy 4:2     Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

I wasn't mean, but I also didn't beat around the bush.  You see, this was a behavior that I had seen before.  As I recognized this pattern, it was like a veil was lifted & I suddenly saw some situations from her past in a new perspective.  Her response of anger was a pattern of behavior.  It wasn't healthy for her, or any one around her.   I knew that I needed to say something.  This correction, however, was not well received.  I thought I had handled it well.  I wasn't mean or harsh, but I also didn't beat around the bush either. Instead of appreciating my correction, what I got was the silent treatment.  The deafening silence continued for days; leading me to try and clarify my point.  I was also trying to fix her being upset with me.  The more I tried to fix it, the worse things got. Then, my mind started getting the better of me.

Galatians 6:1   Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restorehim in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Satan had gotten a hold of my ear.  Twisting the scenario around.  Tainting my thoughts and opinions ofher.  To the point that I was even playing out scenarios in my head of what our next conversation was going to be like.  Fortunately, despite everything going on in my head, my heart and my friendship... I was seeking God.  I was digging into his word about friendships & accountability; and the more I read, the more my heart softened.  I wasn't letting Satan mess with my mind any more.  I was reminded that I loved my friend.  I wanted to open her eyes to something she may not have been recognizing in herself.  I wanted to help her. 

Proverbs 17:17     A friend always loves, and a brother is born to share trouble.

How do we correct our Christian sisters?  First, I would recommend reading Matthew 18:15-17.  I am grateful for the clarity in God's word on the subject.   We need to first speak with them, privately.  Then if they don't listen, we come with 2-3 others.  If they still do not listen, you take it to your church leaders or body.  Oddly enough, this was the easy part.

Second, there were some important things I realized (in retrospect) that would have helped.  Hopefully my sharing them will be beneficial should you find yourself in this situation.     
    1.  She admitted she was already angry.  This was definitely not the right time, her emotions were on high alert.  She was not going to be able to hear me. 
                She was on the defensive.  Poor timing.
    2. Say it, then zip it.  If you do speak to your friend... say what you have to say, then zip your lips. Your friend may need time to process what you say to her. 
                And what may not even seem like a big deal to you, may be a big deal to her.  Stop trying to make your point, or smooth things over. Give her space.
    3.  Wait. Pray. Speak, only if led to.   Unless what your friend is about to do is going to cause immediate harm to her or others, wait to speak. When we wait, we
                then have time to reference scripture and pray.  Ask God if you should say something, how you should say it and when.Let God lead your correction.  God
                may end up leading you to keep your mouth shut altogether or just for the time being.  

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Making Friends

CS Lewis once wrote. “Is there any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of Christian friends by a good fire?” Over the years I am learning the truth of that statement, as it is something that is burning inside me to have and to develop. I have realized that I desire a deeper friendship with fellow Christians.  Not because I want to be exclusionary to non Christians... but I am finding that the more I hang out with Christians the deeper rooted my own faith is.  There is no greater memories that I have right now, than sitting around a table with my Christian friends... hysterically laughing, with tears streaming down our faces.

But there is even more than that.  As a mom, for many years, I was searching for the play dates.  The mom that I enjoyed hanging out with, and our kids enjoyed spending time together.  I often left my husband out of the equation, because these play dates were while he was at work.  These were my friends.  He had his own.  Yet, now, I realize that one day my kids are going to move out of this house.  My world will not revolve around them.  I want to have friends that my husband and I both like spending time with, so that long after the kids have left the nest... we are not sitting home alone on a Saturday night trying to entertain each other.

God also wants us to surround ourselves with good Christian friends.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

I want to have friends who have wisdom... as moms, wives, and sisters in Christ.  I want to get advice from those who share the same morals and values I do.  For they will not lead my astray from what God desires.  I have a good friend, and her husband travels a lot for work.  One of the things I have learned from her is that when he is home, family time is super important.  She won't make plans if it causes her to not be with the family during his short break home.  I want my family to realize that they are that important to me.

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Too often I have allowed myself to get into that verbal tit for tat about the negative things in this life.  Perhaps it is a complaint session about husbands; or a venting session about kids, parenting or school.  While I may have started out our time together in a good mood, I would find that by the time I left ... I was in a very bad mood.  I was angry at my husband.  I was angry at my kids.  I was angry at the world.  In some cases, the person I was with was poking at the fire to get it hotter.  It brought me no good.  Or, that person was so argumentative that my thoughts would completely be encompassed.  In a recent situation my husband flat out told me that he didn't want to hear me complain about that person any longer.  He didn't even understand why we were friends.  That created some self examination on my part.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

I need someone in my life that encourages me in the difficult moments.  That helps me to be a better person and better Christian.  I can only do this by surrounding myself with those who can fit this purpose.  My non Christian friends have rarely helped me in my personal walk.

Job 2:11 Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

I have gone through some tough times this past year and a half.  It was during this difficulty I saw who my real friends were.  The ones checking in to see how not only my husband was doing during his healing, but also how I was doing.  The people who wouldn't take no for an answer & were dropping off food to lighten my load.  The friend who inadvertently was audience to my meltdown and not only forgave me for it... but reminded me that it was ok.  The ones who drop cards in the mail, texted me and have just simply been there.

Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

As I have realized that I not only want & NEED more Christian friends... I have also realized that in order to have them... I also need to be a good friend.  I need to do for others the very things I would want done for me.  I need to always be willing to go above and beyond for them.  I need to put in the effort, the same or more, as they do.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”   CS Lewis

Man was not meant to be alone.  We were made for community.  We were called to be together.  In worship and in living our lives.

* Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Moving Beyond Survival Mode

 UPDATE:  This book is currently out of print, and VERY hard to find a copy of (and expensive when you do).  Good news!  The author is working on a rewrite/updated book with a new publisher.  When I get the word on when/where you can buy it, I'll let you know!

Seriously that is the best title to a book chapter about homekeeping that I could have ever read.

"Moving Beyond Survival Mode"

That is how I have felt for so long... that I am simply just trying to survive day by day.  I think a lot of it comes back to my history.  With my parents divorced when I was very young, I really had no concept of what a marriage looked like, what a "wife" actually did each day.  And, since we didn't have a lot of money, I didn't exactly have a lot of things.  My mom had an attitude that kids should be allowed to be kids and spared the responsibilities of adulthood since being a child is such a short and precious time.  And, my grandmother was our primary care giver when my mom was at work and we were out of school.  At her home, and at my dad's during visitations, my "things" were limited.  Clean up was easy.  Toss it all into the toy box and viola I am done.  My grandmother and father were both perfectionists in their home, with a do it themselves so it gets done right mentality.  Since we were not actually at our home until after my mom was done working... honestly, there wasn't much of a mess being made.  I didn't know how to be a wife.  A mom.  A homekeeper.  I have been learning on the fly, every day.  Knowing there was a better way, but not sure what it was.  Reading.  Googling.  Talking to other moms.  Something has to give.

My good friends adopted 3 children, doubling their family size over night.  Trying to be supportive, I purchased a book for them called "Large Family Logistics".  (click the photo for more information)



In peeking through the pages, I realized this was a book I wanted to read.  I don't have a large family.  Yet, there were good nuggets of information that I thought would benefit my small family.  I have gleaned a lot.  But more importantly I am ready to implement it.

I have also decided to take you all along the journey.  Watch for blog posts on Friday to recap what I did, how it is working, and what I am going to change.

In the meantime... if you are a family of 20 and counting ... or just starting out as a married couple, there are great tips that you can implement into your family right NOW.

This may be my new bridal shower gift. I wonder if I can buy them in bulk at a discount?

Branding Yourself a Christian....

Have you ever been driving down the road or pulling into a parking lot (or drive through) and the car in front of you has any of the following:

A sticker representing their church.
A 3D christian fish symbol.
A religious anti-abortion bumper sticker.
A decal of a piece of scripture.

And you noticed this only because that person was:

Speeding and dodging through traffic.
Tossing their trash out the window.
Road raging at the elderly driver ahead of them going below the speed limit.
Giving the "bird" signal to someone who cut them off.
Being rude to the person taking their order at the drive through.
Yelling at their children in the car who are acting up.

When you take the bold step to put a sticker identifying yourself as a Christian, it's like being branded.  You are letting everyone you come in contact with (directly or indirectly) that you belong to Christ.  And when we act in an un-Christ like manner, what do you think people think of us?

They call us....

Hypocrits.

1 Peter 2:12 (ESV)
Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

If you are going to make the bold step in branding yourself a Christian, for the world to see... whether by marking your vehicle, getting a religious tattoo or standing out on the street corner proclaiming the word... it is important to remember that the world is watching you.  And, how you behave toward them and others they witness...will determine not only how they see you.  It will also affect how they see me, and any other Christian they come in contact with.

I am NOT the boss.

Since I was a small child, I have been a bit of a boss. Some would say it is my Irish heritage, others would say that I am like my grandmother. The fact of the matter is, I can be bossy. Really bossy. A fact I have spent years trying to correct. Couple my inherent bossiness with my need for justice, and I am a force to be reckoned with. A great example of this, will take us on a journey to about 10 years ago.

I was working in direct sales & I was doing really well in the company, leader over my entire state. I also and had a very good relationship with the owner of the company.    We were getting ready for a large training event, and I sincerely disagreed with a decision the owner had made. I confronted the owner about it. I continued the disagreement with her over the issue to the point we had to have mediation through a neutral third party.

It was during a women's conference, about a year later, that in a single moment truth hit me. Who was I? Who was I to think I could tell this woman how to run her company? Right or wrong, this was not MY company. I had no right to expect her to bend to my demands.  I came home and immediately drafted a letter of apology to her. It had nothing to do with my feelings about the decision, but everything to do with me taking accountability for my actions. She graciously accepted my apology & our relationship began to heal over time.

Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

In my situation, I certainly felt I was right. Sometimes though it is not about being right, it is about being wise.   I made poor decisions on confronting the owner, poor decisions on how to react to her stance & in the end poor decisions on my part on how to proceed further.   The deeper I allowed myself to get into the argument, I became angry & I gave full vent to that anger. I made it personal, I elevated the situation and ultimately I brought us to the point of mediation. If I were wiser at that time, I would have tempered myself and my tongue.

Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Once I was able to realize my error, I was able to make amends. But, what was a strong relationship was going to take time to heal. It was a hard lesson to learn, but once you learn such a lesson you strive to not repeat the same mistake again.

God wants us to approach situations with wisdom and not foolishness.

Two women were before King Solomon, each claiming a child as their own. Solomon ordered the child to be cut in half, then each woman would be given half of the child. The true mother could have continued to argue that the child was hers. She would have been right, but her decision would have cost the life of her son. Instead, she opted to make a wise decision. She told Solomon to spare his life and give him to the other woman. It was through this wise decision on her part, that Solomon knew who the real mother was. The woman who put aside being right, and instead spared the life of the child. (A Wise Ruling 1 Kings 3:16-28)

Can you think of a time where your quest to be right, cost you more than you would have gained?

How can you rectify this past occurrence, or prevent it from happening again?

Heavenly Father, I ask you today to guide my words. Guide me to fight the good fight and to turn the other cheek. Help me to discern between being wise and being right. Let me find peace in times of strife & help me to find the path to restoration in relationships my decisions may have damaged. Through you I can forgive and be forgiven. Amen.

* Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Full Scale Invasion

 

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take thought captive to obey Christ.

                                                                                                            2 Corinthians 10:3-5

When you read the above scripture, I am sure you are getting a mental image of those of whom we may come up against as Christians.   You will most likely assign this scripture to the non-believer, living in your home... at your workplace... or the stranger on the corner you just encountered.  You probably wouldn't expect this to apply to our interactions with a believer.  If you are a parent, you will.  Because one day your teen just might be this person.

For us it started on a Sunday morning with a teenager who simply didn't want to get up early and go to church.  I remember being a teen and loving my sleep, I still do.  I remember giving my mom a hard time about getting up.  I don't know why I expect any different from my own child.  But I do.  

What would happen of the course of the next 40 minutes of getting dressed time, and then travel time to church was an unfriendly exchange.    Here is just a sampling of some of it:

"When you are no longer living under my roof, then you can sleep in on Sundays.  As for now, I am accountable for you & when I meet God... I don't want to have to answer for not waking your butt up on Sunday mornings".

Not my most proud moment.

"Church has a purpose, it is a place where we learn more about God, and ourselves."

Better.

"What if I don't want to learn anymore about God?"  (retorts my teen)

This was the turning point & would build into an argument that lasted until we pulled into the church parking lot.

What a great way to start our Sunday morning.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Defeated.  Unsure.  Sad.

The goodness from this morning was that later, there was restoration.  My teen came to me & admitted she was just tired and cranky.  This is what I have come to understand to be the equivalent of "I am sorry".  She took responsibility.  I apologized (actually used the word sorry) about allowing my temper to get the better of me.

It was this particular day that would bring me to the realization that I can't be my daughter's Holy Spirit.  My daughter accepted Christ as her Savior and was baptized several years ago.  I know that in her heart she loves God, but she is rebellious and a boundary pusher.  Just like her mom.

So, I started to back off some.  Trying to be an example.  Taking the chances to talk when they would come up.  And they do come up.

Then I was reminded one day of how argumentative I would get with my sister, when she would talk about God.  I would get into some fairly heated discussions with her.  She was 10 years older than I, she came to Christ when I was in middle school and honestly by high school I didn't get it.  

I wasn't raised in the church.  I didn't understand God.  I just understood a rule book, where the rules were set by a domineering "higher power".

My sister was able to destroy my arguments and lofty opinions, she had knowledge of the Word to back her up.  But was very resistant for a long time, for reasons now I understand to be fear of condemnation.  At that time I had no understanding that grace and mercy existed or what "salvation" really was.

It came to me only recently, that I was taking a very passive seat to my daughter's relationship with God.  I was praying the prayers that mother's pray....

"Lord soften her heart toward you, help her to see that you are God and want what is good for her.  Keep her from harm, bring her to a place where she can not deny you, and allow her to find good friends that help and not hinder her.".

I was asking God to be gentle with her heart.  

Only now I realize that as a mom, I want more than that.

Ephesians 6 has us putting on the armor of God.  This is not just defensive armor, but also offensive armor.  This is being ready to stand firm & not be moved... but also to advance forward.  I realized that I needed to take action.

That is when I began my prayers for an invasion.  

I have begun praying that God will invade my daughters heart.  Not gentle knocking, but door pounding.  For her to be unable to deny Him, for her to not be able to keep that door shut because He is already in there.  I want a full scale invasion of her mind, body and soul.

I am willing to fight for her relationship with God.  I am not going to push her so hard that she runs away from "religion" traumatized... but I am going to be more intentional, more ambitious in sharing the Word and God with her, and stand firm in the convictions of this family.

Lord invade her heart, so that there is no room for anything but you.

And while you are at it.... invade mine too.

And my husband's.

And our other children's.

Amen.

Can I Live Up to the Hype????? Doubt is rearing it's ugly head.

I serve on a leadership team within my church.  Last year we began the process of planning a women's retreat this spring.  The short story ends with me volunteering to take over the planning and coordination of this retreat.  It's one thing to plan an event yourself, it's an entirely different thing to take over what someone else had begun.  Logistically, I knew I could do it.  I do have a very A type personality, after all.

As I sat and went through the numbers, and the schedule, and the details... I felt confident.

More time would pass, the retreat went from being months away to weeks away, and now days away.

Doubt has entered the building.

It started with the emails and texts coming in, about how excited people were about the retreat.

Then I got the text that would stop me in my tracks:

"Anything you're in charge of... is the best!  Above and beyond!!!!"

(and if you are the friend who sent this to me, don't feel bad about saying it... or be mad that I am sharing it.).

What I realized that is through my history of service, I have set a precedent.  I always go above and beyond.  I always give 110%.  I have set an expectation of excellence, and the women who are attending this retreat are not unaware.

I began to doubt, and wonder ...

What if it stinks?
What if everyone is disappointed?
What if I didn't do enough?
What if they don't like the schedule?
What if....
What if....
What if....

Doubt was rearing it's ugly head.  And, what made it even worse for me, this has been way too easy.  Usually when I put myself into a project it consumes my thoughts, my time, my house, my talents, etc.  This project hasn't been like that.  It's been so easy to plan & put together... I began to worry that I hadn't done enough.

Was I forgetting to do something?
Did I forget to buy something for the event?
Did I send those emails?
Did I confirm those numbers?

I am waiting for the shoe to drop.  That last minute gasp over forgetting some important detail.

You may be thinking, this is your first time planning an event like this.  People will understand.

But, it isn't my first time.  It's been a long time, yes... but not my first time.

What I have to remind myself is that the reason things are going so well is that God is in charge.  God is doing this, not me.  He has moved mountains and paved ways to make things happen.  This was not my doing.  I must remind myself that things which are Kingdom worthy, get done.  If I forgot a detail, then it wasn't Kingdom worthy.

Can I live up to the hype?

I don't have to.  Because God can, and does.

Do you need a hug?

When your child enters the teenager years, things get weird.  That little girl who wanted your opinion, now wants you to butt out.  That sweet face that would light up and tell you story after story, turns away and has nothing to say to you. The endless questions are asked of their friends, you are no longer an authority on everything.  Hugs and kisses are rarer than finding a diamond in your backyard.  Secrets are no longer shared.  I love yous are not returned.  In fact, often they can't even manage to sit in the same room as you.

It's a new road in the journey of motherhood.  This one you walk alone.

And then one day it happens.

You realize that deep below the surface, they still care.

For me it occurred on two specific occasions.  The first was when her friend ran away from home.  I called her, because we were concerned that her friend might show up to meet her at her school.  When I was getting ready to hang up with her, I said... "I love you"... and she replied "I love you too".  My heart soared.

I believe this was one of those moments where the uncertainty of her friend's well being reminded her of how much family loves each other, and how important kids are to their parents and relatives.  She knew that if I was showing this much concern for her friend, how much more would I show for her.

The second time was just this past week.  Some back story here is that my husband has a history of attempting to be funny, when he really isn't.  And often, too often, his attempts end up getting me hurt.  On this particular day, we had a snake in the yard.  We were attempting to locate the snake once we got the kids in the house.  We wanted to know if it was poisonous or not.    After we had determined it wasn't & were preparing to head back in... he thought it would be funny to throw something at me... as if he were throwing the snake.

His plan was doomed to fail.

1) I am not afraid of snakes.  So, I wouldn't be scared of it.
2)  He is deathly afraid of snakes.  So, I know he wouldn't actually pick one up.

As I turned  to give him the "eye of disbelief"... I realized what he had thrown at me.  A tube of lanscaping fabric.  When I put my arm to block it from hitting my face, the side whipped around and hit me square in the eye.

I was angry.

I was very upset with him, not about trying to be funny... not even because I got hurt... but because this is what always happens.  His attempts result in my getting injured.  At some point, he should realize that he just needs to stop.

I was angry that he just hadn't figured this out.  I was tired of getting hurt.

I came inside the house and went to our bedroom.  I just needed to be away from him.  My oldest came into the room to ask me a question.  She saw me crying, asked what happened.  I told her what her father had done, and that I was really mad at him & I needed to cool down.  Then she spoke the words I had longed to hear...

"Do you need a hug?"

Mothers, do not be discouraged on those days when your child suddenly becomes "too big" for hugs and kisses and I love yous.  Despite what they project on the exterior... if you have provided them with years of love and care, inside they do love you.

They hug you in those moments, they laugh with you in others.  They shine in the moments when you need them.  They show their love when they compliment your cooking, or that shirt you are wearing.

They say "I love you" in a new way.  Sometimes it is not audible.  Instead, it is the sag in the couch when the sit down to watch tv with you.

Domestic Partnership - Part 2 : What do we do from here?

Have you ever been in that position where you husband calls you up to announce someone is coming over for dinner that night, or even the next day for a visit.  You go into a panic because the house is a disaster.  You get angry that he would be so inconsiderate.  We instantly put blame on him, but we have to ask ourselves why this is a problem.  If I am a stay at home mom, the house should be clean for company anyway.  Right?

If you are rolling your eyes at me, please note that I am speaking from a place of experience.  I have before and even to this day been guilty of this scenario.  Right now, if someone where to show up at my door unexpectedly... I would probably pass out.  In fact, my husband got out of bed and began cleaning up the house a bit today.  My first thought (and question to him) was "who is coming over and when?".

If this is our job, why are we not doing it?

I think there are a ton of possible answers.  Perhaps the vacuum is broken, and you can't afford the repair or you are waiting for the part to arrive.  Maybe you are exhausted from your kids busy schedule and just haven't gotten to it yet.  Or perhaps, you have moments like me.  Where you turn to your husband and say something like "I have been picking up this house and cleaning up after you and the kids for thirteen years.  I do not get sick days.  I do not get vacation days.  There is no one to pick up the slack when I am behind.  Sometimes I just want a day to DO NOTHING."

What really occurred in that statement, each and every time I say it, is a lot of truth and a lot of excuse.  I am admitted to the fact I shirked my responsibilities.  I am honest about my feelings.  But I am also setting up a scenario that will basically earn me a pass for not doing my job.

Imagine if my husband walked into work one day, sat down at his desk, laid his head down and took a nap.  His boss walks in and confronts him.  What do you think would happen if my husband said... "I have worked my butt off for this company for 15 years.  I have worked as much as 12 days in a row with only a single day off, only to do another 12 again ... FOR MONTHS.  I have arrived home three hours late every night for the last month due to mandatory over time. Sometimes I just want a day to DO NOTHING."

He would be fired.

I should be fired.

If I can't get a day off to do nothing, it is because I didn't plan for it.  I could make sure I get all my chores done before Saturday rolls around.  I could budget for lunch and dinner as take out, so I don't have to cook. I could buy paper plates and cups, so that I don't have to do dishes.


Truth is, this is our job.  We need to do it.  We need to do it effectively.  We need to not shirk our responsibilities.  We need to not make excuses.  We chose this role in our life.  I could go back to work, and send the kids to after school programs, hire a nanny or housekeeper.  I chose to stay home.  I chose to care for it.  If someone shows up unexpectedly or I wasn't given enough notice by my husband... this isn't HIS problem.  It's mine.  Because I allowed myself to fall behind.

Perhaps I have too much on my plate.  If my house is falling apart, because my schedule is too full doing for others.  I need to cut back.  My family comes first.  If something needs to be repaired or replaced & we don't have the funds for it, I should see if I can borrow one from someone.  That isn't an excuse to do nothing.  Would you NOT do your dishes because your dishwasher broke?

I also need to remind myself daily to change my heart.  Yes, my husband does get days off.  But he works hard.  Really hard.  Today I went for a 20 minute run at 9:30am.  I was DYING when I got home.  It was hot and humid, 80 degrees outside.  Yet my husband works in this (outside) every day, for 8-10 hours... on days that the temps reach the high 90s and the humidity makes it feel like it is over 100 degrees.  Yes, he deserves a day off.

I also have to change my heart about him forgetting to do those little things I ask of him.  Why?  Because to me, my RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND is more important than a to do list.  If he forgets to take out the trash each night, I can get angry and resent that.  It builds.  The as he forgets to do something else, I add it to the list.  Which ends up in an argument where I tell him he never does anything I ask, bullet pointing out each and every failure, and usually in defense he will remind me of how imperfect I am.  This boils up to an argument that results in hurt feelings, broken relationship, and rarely is solved.

At one point, I decided I'd rather take the trash out than be mad at my husband.

Too many marriages have ended in divorce over little petty things like taking out the trash, leaving the cap off the toothpaste and laundry outside of the hamper.  Too many marriages have ended because of what a person did and didn't do vs. WHO they were and HOW they loved.

Over the years I have learned that my husband shows his love to me by buying me little things that he thinks shows that he pays attention to me.  For example, when I took up running.  He bought me a water bottle.  When he stops at a convenience store on the way home, he'll pick me up my favorite drink.  They are not diamonds and furs.  But, to him, they say... I know you, I love you and I remember these things about you.  To me, that is worth more than gemstones.

I am ok with "gender roles".  I am ok with something being more male or more female in nature.  I am also ok with breaking those roles.  I LOVE cars, for example.  I can spend hours at a car show without batting an eye.  Each relationship has to come up with the terms of that partnership.  Who is going to do what.  What are the expectations of each person.

Have you ever asked your husband... "what are your expectations of me as your wife..."  or "now that I am a stay at home mom, what are your expectations... what is important to you?". In return, let them know what is important to you, what your expectations are.

I haven't.  I plan to.  You may even find that you are wasting your time doing things around the house he could care less about.  It could be the things that are the most important to him, are the ones that are the easiest to do.  You will only know if you ask.  and, what your husband expects of you... will NOT mirror what your friend's husband expects of her. 

It's all about how you are going to look at your life.

Is staying home to raise your children a chore, or a gift?
Is having a nice home an inconvenience or a blessing?
Is your relationship with your husband important, or does your "honey-do list" trump it?

And, more importantly, look at your behaviors, your attitudes, your choices, and your excuses....

and ask yourself... what would GOD think about this?

You want a bigger home with more storage?  Will God bless you with that, when you are not taking care of the one he gave you now?

Do you want more children?  Will God bless you with that, when you are neglecting or unable to manage the ones you have now?

If you can not be content with what God has given you, if you cannot be responsible and good stewards with his gifts and blessings... why would he give you more?

Domestic Partnership breaks down when there is a lack of contentment.  You want more.  You want better.  You want change.  But in a relationship, it's not all about what YOU want.

The Love of Money

 

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.
Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith
and pierced themselves with many griefs. 1 Timothy 6:10

I have a guilty pleasure, I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. At first it was out of curiosity, I wanted to know what their lives were really like. How wonderful must it be to have all that money, all of those resources to draw from. What I realized, very quickly, is that their lives are not all that wonderful.

I remember growing up as a kid, not having a lot of money. We would often play the “if money was no object” game, or “if I won the lottery” game. We would talk about the things we would buy, the people we would help. There was an illusion that by having more money all of our problems would be resolved. Life would be better. We would be happier.

That is so far from the truth. In watching the Real Housewives I have learned:

• You can have all the money in the world, and your husband will still cheat on you.
• You can have all the money in the world, and your business can still fail.
• You can have all the money in the world, and still be depressed and driven to addiction.
• You can have all the money in the world, and still have a dysfunctional family.
• You can have all the money in the world, and not have any authentic friendships or relationships.
• You can have all the money in the world, and still be alone and lonely.
• You can have all the money in the world, and it still isn't enough to make you happy.

Money doesn't solve your problems. Money doesn't make you happier. Money doesn't guarantee you will be spared trouble. Because, money has no power. God has power.

God gives us all the resources we need to get through this life. There are no promises that we won't struggle, but we know that we will not struggle alone. God fills our spirit, develops our character. God helps us define who we are & who we become.

I can have all the money and resources in the world, but without God.... I am bankrupt.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Be challenged this week to not think about how your life could be different “if only you had more...” and instead examine what you have, and how you could better use it for His glory.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Domestic Partnership (Part 1 of 2)... An Evolution.

There was a time historically where men and women carried distinct roles in the household.  This was perpetuated on television and in movies.  It was accepted by society as a whole & we didn't deviate from it much at all, if ever.

The woman would be raising the children, tending to the inside of the home & tending to her husband's needs.  This would include:

• Making or buying clothing for the children.
• Preparing breakfast before school, lunch to take with them, and a snack when they would return home.
• Ensuring the children were well groomed & their clothing was presentable.
• Accompanying the children to school or to their bus stop.
• Repairing clothing, socks, curtains and linens.  
• Keeping the home clean, and tidying up throughout the day.
• Volunteer hours at the school, church and community.
• Making dinner, which would be hot and on the table when the husband arrived home.
• Making sure the man's home is his castle & he was treated with the utmost respect.
• Providing a relaxing environment for him, since he was home from a hard day of work.

The man's role would be more fiscal and provisional.  This would include:

• Going to work each day, to bring home the proverbial bacon.
• Disciplining the children.
• Paying the bills.
• Yard work.
• Arranging for repairs and improvements.
• Maintenance of the home and vehicles.

It is fairly apparent, that during those times, the women's role in the home was reflection upon her husband in the community.  If she was getting things done, on time and correctly.... If her children were well behaved, well groomed and polite... If she was respected in the community for her involvement.... It means that HE picked a good wife.  That HE had a firm grasp of his home.  That HE wore the pants in the family.  That HE was a man who would get things done.  That HIS wife and children respected him and his authority.

There were also greater responsibilities put on the children.  I am not talking about growing up on the farm, where all the kids would have to milk the cows and feed the hogs before heading off to school in the morning.  However, it was common place to see the sons mowing the lawn.  It was usually the son's job to take out the trash from the kitchen & take the cans to the curb.  And, when dad would be out in the yard working on a large project... his son was often near.

The daughters would have the responsibility of helping mom with the shopping or snapping beans for the dinner.  They may even be found helping to repair clothing with small tears, dusting, washing the dishes or at least drying them while mom washed.

Even the children had distinct roles and responsibilities based on their gender.

Modern times, we have strayed far from that.  Part of it is rooted in the feminist movement, backed by the idea that women are equally talented & equally capable.  Some of it is rooted in history, when the men would go off to war & it would be the women that filled the factories to keep production going while the men were away.  Some of the women found they actually enjoyed working, and wanted to stay on post war.  In some cases, even the men enjoyed the additional income to the household the women provided.  It wouldn't be uncommon for the wife to know that what she earned was hers to keep and spend as she felt fit, relinquishing her hand in the household budget provided for from his budget.  And this was ok.  Finally, there were simply moments that occurred in life where the woman entering the work force was needed so that the family could just survive. 

As more and more women entered the work force, the distinction between these roles began to blur.  Men were taking on some of the household responsibilities, cooking and cleaning to help their wives keep up.  And as more time passed, this assistance was not being done out of necessity or obligation, but desire.  It would be more and more common place for a man, who had a wife that worked, to see that just as she was contributing to the income to help provide a better life.... that he too would contribute by taking some of the load off her back in the home.  A true 50/50 relationship in regards to responsibilities was becoming a social norm.

Then a wave of change began.  The children of baby boomers began to become parents themselves.  They would see the value of being a stay at home mom.  And over time more and more would flee their jobs to take their place in the home.   The problem that occurs is that we find ourselves expecting that the men will still do "their part" and be our 50/50 partner in the responsibilities of the home.  Because, that is how we grew up.  And the men, would expect that since we were staying home to be housewives and mothers that we were going to literally tend to the house.  It was not odd for a man to expect the woman to not only care for the kids and the inside of the house, but mow the lawn, pay the bills, make repair appointments, etc.

This isn't exactly a unreasonable expectation, when you consider these men grew up in homes where the example was set that Mom worked.  Dad worked.  Therefore, they would both share the chores.  So, if you take the "Mom worked" part out of the equation, it is within logic and reason that she would then take up dad's chores, since she was no longer contributing financially to the home.  She also had so much more time, since she would not be at work.

We would find ourselves becoming more than just a stay at home mom, we were "Live in Secretaries".  That is when resentment would begin to set it and fester.  I have heard (and I will admit to even saying it myself) many a stay at home mother say "I am a stay at  home mom, not stay at home maid.  The kids are my priority, everything else comes second".

This is because we have become so indoctrinated with the idea of day cares for our infants through pre-k aged children, that we expect that we are supposed to fill their days equivalent to what they would in day care.  We forget that the idea of day care and preschool is a much more modern day device, based mostly in necessity for the working moms.  Our grandparents and the generations before them would probably get quite a laugh out of how we "parent" today.  Of course there were some exceptions, where it would be very common for the average housewife to have a nanny, or help cleaning. 

The evolution of the roles and responsibilities has changed quite a bit... but what I am finding is that the interpretation and perspective of that evolution varies depending on whom you are speaking with.  The man sees it very differently than the woman.  The woman is often waiting for the man to pick up the cue that he too needs to revert to the older traditions/models.  We want them to take out the trash.  We want them to mow the lawn.  Yet, historically, then men were not doing it then.  Well, they might have in the beginning, but once their sons were old enough... they passed those jobs on.

I have a good friend who desperately tries to bring historical and traditional gender roles in to her family.  She was to establish what the "men do" and what the "women do".  She wants her children steeped in this, so that they will be good wives and good husbands.  That said, she gets so very angry with her husband (at times) when he delegates.  She'll ask him to do something.  He will instruct one of the kids to do it.  She gets mad because she wanted him to do it.  He gets confused because what does it matter HOW he got it done, just as long as it got done?  She thinks to herself "If I wanted one of the kids to do it, I would have asked them not YOU!".  Oh the cycle it creates.

It made me realize that we are NOT looking to restore the historical gender roles, because we are trying to exclude our children from the equation.  We want them to enjoy their childhood not be bogged down with chores and responsibilities.  We want our husbands to do it.  Not delegate it.

We have become so removed from those traditional roles, we don't even recognize them or know how to put them into action.  We want to apply current parent modeling and thinking into traditional roles, and the two don't always mix well.

For example... Since I am home with the children all the time, I am the primary disciplinarian.  My husband trusts me in this role.  He knows that if it is more than I can handle, I will see his opinion.  But, I won't lie... I would LOVE to return that role to him.  I'd be quite content playing with my kids, being the good guy & relying on that old phrase "Wait until your father gets home".

However, modern day parenting books and speakers... they make this virtually impossible for me to do.  My husband works long hours.  He has short precious time with his children.  Do I really want that short time filled with lectures, punishments & drama.  I have much more time in my day to be able to discipline my children & then restore the relationship.  He doesn't.

So, what do we do?  How do we embrace these roles in modern society?  How doe we accept our roles with grace?  How do we avoid resentment and anger?  How do we find balance?

Next week, I'll continue on with part 2... Domestic Partnership (Part 2 of 2)... Practical Relationships

Forgiveness ~ A lesson learned over time.

Recently I was asked how I could forgive or give grace to those who have wronged me.  My response was simply that the bible says that we are judged in the same measure that we judge others.  Since I  know I have made a LOT of mistakes & certainly would love a LOT of grace extended to me... I do the same for others.

It isn't easy.  It's an active choice.  I have to remind myself that I would want to be forgiven, and therefore I should be willing to forgive.

But, it is important to understand what forgiveness is & what it is not.

In a bible study recently a woman brought to my attention that when we are hurt, when we feel wronged, etc... we will spend valuable time thinking and replaying the situation over in our head.  We can allow it to consume our thoughts, to affect our relationships with others, to harden our hearts before the Lord and also allow it to affect our mental and physical health.

Which we can all agree with.

But then she said ... "the person who wronged you, probably hasn't given it a second of thought".

That's right.  They are not replaying it over in their head.  They are not wondering how they can fix it, or thinking how awful of a person they are.  They may not even realized what they did was wrong in the first place.

So what we have done, is given this person power over our life, our thoughts, our heart... and we may even find that it stand as a stumbling block in our relationship with God.

Forgiving others is less about them deserving it, but more about it US... freeing up our heart and avoiding the negativity that can consume us.

I also find, the more I forgive others... the more I have learned to forgive myself.

In Retrospect, Part 5 ~ Happy Holidays

I love holidays.  I love the idea of them.  I love decorating.  I love celebrating them.  I love the anticipation, I love the moment it arrives and I even enjoy the days after.  Always have, and I hope I always will.

As a child, I never fully realized what it took for my mom (especially as a single mom) to accomplish this feat.  Executing secret Easter Baskets and Egg Hunts... hiding the Christmas presents, and even sneaking in to exchange a quarter for my tooth.  As much as I love holidays, I fail at it as a parent.

1.  I can't stand having to get up before the kids, sorry Easter Bunny.
2.  I hate waiting until the last minute the night before, sorry Santa Claus.
3.  I never have cash on me, sorry Tooth Fairy.
4.  I don't have the budget most of the time for the other holidays... there are no leprechaun traps being built or 15 foot blow up jack-o-lanterns.

I have made some very successful decisions though, that have worked out amazingly for my family.   I have also changed some of the decisions over the years to make it work out better.  I hope you can get something out of my experiences.

Birthdays:  I am going to start out with my biggest success.   Birthdays.  My children only have birthday parties with their friends until they are school aged.  Birth - 5 years old.  Prime years.  I take pride in these parties & I have gotten better at them.  But, once they are in school... I am not going to duplicate the celebration.  Since I send in cupcakes to school, I really do not need to also have all the class friends over for a birthday party.  They had their cake.   Instead we take the money we would have spent on the party and put it toward some sort of trip.  It might be an up and back trip to Disney World, or it may be a family trip to the local zoo.  It all depends on the budget and the current interest of the the birthday child. 

In Retrospect - I would do absolutely nothing different.  This has been one of our best decisions yet.  At 16, each of our girls will have the option of having a sweet sixteen party or taking the money we'd put into the party & putting it toward their first car.  Their choice.

The Tooth Fairy:  I wish I was the person who came up with the ideas for "not under the pillow" tooth fairy drop off locations.  Sneaking in without waking the kids, or even remembering to do it... is hard.  Especially the more kids you have and the more teeth they lose.  I rarely have cash on me appropriate for dropping off.  This has led to some serious tooth fairy inflation.  My once success is that if a tooth is left for the tooth fairy that has a cavity because of the child being lazy about brushing, she leaves floss, new toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.  But no money.


In Retrospect:  I am a big fan of skipping the under the pillow, and using the alternative methods.  Some use pillows hung on the door.  Others buy these cute little doors at the craft store and mount them on the wall at a baseboard, or at the top of a night stand.  The tooth is left in a little basket on the tooth fairy's doorstep, by morning there is a coin in it's place.  BRILLIANT.  I would also advise any parent to decide what the tooth fairy is going to leave & stock up ahead of time.  Leaving a silver dollar?  Go ahead and hit the bank and get all the silver dollars you'll need.  Going to leave a stash of tooth care supplies?  Keep them in a bin in your closet or under you bed.  Every one of my kids had a tooth fall out that I didn't even know was loose, at least once.  I was not prepared.

New Years Eve:  This is my 50/50 Holiday.  The first tradition I wanted start was taking their photo right after the ball dropped.  Unfortunately, this was not my most successful.  When a new baby would come, I would be too tired to stay up.  Sometimes we'd go out with friends, and we'd miss it.  And, sometimes... I just forgot.  We actually had 1 child before digital cameras were the norm.  I'd forget to buy film or batteries for the flash.  And once you miss a year or two, it's hard to pick it back up.  Our second tradition was only a few years ago... and it has been a huge success.  We even invite others into the mix.  One NYE I do not cook dinner.   I make a smorgasbord of goodies.  It is all of our favorite snacks, cakes, treats and appetizers.  I make it around 6pm and we eat off of it all night long.  I always make sure to have 1 or 2 items per person that is their personal favorite.

In Retrospect - It never dawned on me, when I missed those photos... that I could take one the next day.  I guess that is my OCD coming to play, if I can't do it right... I won't do it at all.  

Valentines:  I can take no credit for Valentines Day.  This is all my husband.  Each year, he buys the girls a Valentines gift.  He places it in their seat, so they find it in the morning before they go to school.

In Retrospect:  I fail at this.  I tried to do it.  I even bought these cute little lady bugs with hearts on them, that you fill each year with a gift on Valentines Day.  I filled them the first year.   I haven't seen them since.

St Patrick's Day:  I know a lot of people who do some very creative things for this holiday.  Leprechaun traps.  Leprechaun pranks.  Parades and festivals.  Heck, I can't even remember to wear green on St. Patty's Day.  In fact, just this year I finally got a cute little shamrock wreath for the the front door.  In due time, I may catch up.

In Retrospect: I wish I did embrace this more.  It relates to our heritage, and I fail at teaching our kids about recognizing our family roots.  I also have seen so many pictures from my friends and heard about the fun things they do.  I really wish I would get more into this holiday.  Perhaps it's because I was overwhelmed with cornbeef and cabbage as a kid. I might be rebelling.

April Fool's Day:  The internet is bursting with fun ideas to do to your kids on April Fool's Day.  Many of them are messy or outside my realm of acceptability, which means my OCD has problems with it.  I don't want to make a mess.  I don't want to tint my whole gallon of milk a color or waste food.  The irony here is that April Fool's Day is also my mother's birthday and I have no problem playing a good prank on her.  I have also gotten a few pranks in on my husband.  But I don't mess with the kids.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would do something on this day, but I really have no desire.  Perhaps this will be a new years resolution for me in 2014.  Play more pranks.  My grandfather would be proud if I did.

Easter:  I can put together a mean Easter Basket.  I can get it out on the table before anyone wakes up.  I can get those eggs dyed.  But I have such a hard time getting them hidden.  I can't ever seem to get up before them.  Despite my best efforts.  Especially with the plans of heading to church and their post service functions.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would have NOT gone the route of dyed eggs.  I could buy some plastic eggs, fill them & tuck them away in the garage.  I'd also avoid "hiding them" and instead just toss them in mass across the yard for more of an Easter Egg Roll (a'la the White House).  This would be far more efficient with time, I could slip out and put the eggs out while the kids are looking through their baskets.  My husband's mom used to skip hiding eggs altogether.  She actually hid the Easter Basket.  This is also an idea I think I should have entertained.

Mother's Day:  On Mother's Day... I really want to just enjoy it.  Do nothing.  I don't want to go out to a buffet.  I don't want to cook.  I don't want to clean.  I want to loaf.  There have been some years where the kids have tried to make me breakfast in bed.  Waking me up.  Ugh.

In Retrospect:  I should be a LOT more appreciative, even when they wake me up.  

4th of July:  We have never had or attended a 4th of July BBQ or event.  We slip outside to watch the fireworks from the yard, and slink back inside.  This probably surprises anyone who knows me and my political side well.

In Retrospect:  I wish we would do SOMETHING.  I am proud of my country, and I want my children to be as well.    

Halloween:  We do a decent job on Halloween. We get the costumes.  Usually a pumpkin or two.  But our decorating is far from anything enjoyable for the kids.

In Retrospect:  I would NOT buy store bought costumes.  Yes this is easier, but I really miss the idea of homemade costumes.  And, once you have set the precedent for store bought costumes, it is hard to get away from it.  Also, I think I would take advantage of the artificial pumpkins they sell at the craft store that you can carve and decorate.  Not only are they generally less expensive than the real ones, but you can add new ones each year.  Adding to a collection but also building up your decorations from year to year.  I'd also dual purpose my decorations so that they last for Halloween and Fall.  Perhaps with a few Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations added in as appropriate.  I also recall from my childhood a family known for having Halloween Parties.  I wish we would have started that tradition.  The good news is that it isn't too late.  

Thanksgiving:  We go.  We eat.  We come home.


In Retrospect, I wouldn't change this.  The kids get to spend more time with their cousins playing and having a good time.  Sure we could do more crafts or talk about what we are thankful for.  I am just glad they are able to spend time with their family.  Some holidays, I think it is good to just relax and enjoy.  

Christmas:  This is the holiday where I think I have bombed the most, but am also actively improving.

Buy a new Christmas Book each year, and read it as part of our countdown to Christmas, with Christmas Eve being reserved for the Nativity Story.   FAIL.  I missed a few years, and now to catch up would cost me a fortune in books.  Especially since when I started it the idea was to give the collection to my daughter when she became a mom. Now that I have 3 daughters... I'd have to buy in triplicate.

In Retrospect:  I could have caught up before it got out of hand, but to be honest... we were horrible about gathering around the tree to read them anyway.  We are not "that kind of family".  We would rather sit on the couch and watch Christmas movies together.  On that we have quite a collection.  I do plan to try this again, when I am a grandma.  We'll see.

Rein in the Christmas Giving.   SUCCESS.  We went from a slew of gifts to a select few.  We give them 1 gift on Christmas Eve (usually something to encourage them to go to bed, new PJ's, pillow pets, etc).  We give them 3 gifts on Christmas Day.  Something they need.  Something they want (usually small $ amount item).  Something they desire (their big ticket item).  And Santa leaves them just 1 gift.

In Retrospect:  I would have stopped giving Santa the glory sooner.  I have moments where I even wonder if I would do Santa at all, if I had it to do over.  But I enjoy the "pretend" and "magic" of it.  I won't lie.  But, I do know that if I were to start our Santa traditions over again... 1) Santa would NOT get a list, he would chose the gift to leave.  2) It would be a handmade (or appear to be handmade) gift... not something they see on tv.  Wood blocks.  Fabric baby dolls. 3) Santa would leave ONE gift, and it would be simple.  My husband works to hard to provide for this family to let some fictional man get all the credit for a slew of awesome gifts.

We also have never missed expressing to our children the importance of celebrating the birth of Jesus.

In Retrospect:  I would put even more emphasis on this.  I also wish I would have encouraged the family to do more volunteer work during this time.  We do encourage giving, participating in the Angel Tree Donations, Operation Christmas Child, etc.  But, I wish I would have encouraged more physical service.