In Retrospect, Part 4 ~ Building Friendships

When we are in school, and really quite often all the way through college years, we develop extraordinarily tight friendships.  Spending every waking minute with each other is not out of the norm.  If we were not with each other in person, we were on the phone with each other.  We didn't need to make plans for the weekend, that was a given.  The only decisions that needed to be made was exactly where we were going.

In fact in my first round of college (I got married, had my first, and then returned to college), I had a friend who actually inherited a house.  It was a given that as soon as everyone was done with their classes, we'd all meet there.  This was every night.  Seven days a week.  The only interruption was having to actually go to work or study for exams.

Due to many reasons (which will be saved for another post), I had to walk away from these friends.  It was the right decision for me, in the long run, and I don't regret it.  When I returned to college several years later, even being the married lady with a kid, I still had a tight nit group of friends.  Sure, I was not with them every second, but @ least on campus we were always together.  Since I didn't live in the dorms, I missed out on a lot of the evening and weekend activities.  It was apparent that they had better relationships with the on campus friends.  But, I was ok with that.

After college, we all went our separate ways.  They were young and single.  They were chasing their dreams.  I was grounded, married with now a second child.  I was still navigating my way through following my dreams.  I just had a different path.  Over the next years, I would find myself getting really envious.  You see, their friendships had remained intact.  They would visit each other, sleeping on each others couches.  They were part of, or at least invited to, each others weddings and baby births and other special events.  I wasn't included in any of them.  Even the local ones.

I realized even more than ever, that I was not as close to them as I thought I was.  By the time we had our third child, I was now living in a new city.  I was desperate for friends.  I also was having a hard time making any of them.  I joined a MOPS group, but I am not going to lie... it was more for me and less for my kids.   I was looking for coffee and lunch dates, maybe a girls night out.  They were looking for playdates for the kids while the moms got to chat.

Admittedly it took some time for me to get beyond pleasantries at each week's meeting and actually forming real friendships.  Please do not misinterpret that these women were not amazing women, they were and are.  They really cared about me & I really cared about them.  But many of them already had their circle of friendships, and there wasn't that much room for one more.  Plus, they were all just starting out.  They may have been a MOPS with their first born.  And if this was their 2nd or 3rd, their older children were still very young.  I came in with older kids.  It was hard to participate in the summer activities, because my eldest didn't want to do the things appropriate for the toddlers and I had no one to watch her while I took the younger two.

As for girls night out, these moms were not as available.  They were either breastfeeding, so they needed to be accessible to the baby.  Or, they needed to be home early.  I was looking for that mom, who was interested in the 10pm coffee after the kids were in bed.  Things began to get more difficult when my husband's work schedule changed & I could no longer count on what days he would be home, or even what time.

Now, all three of my kids are in school.  I have my days free.  I can meet anyone for lunch.  But of course, they need to find a baby sitter.  Or, their child needs to come with them.  Which, I am totally ok with.  But, it's not the same.  I had one friendship that I thought was really strong, and I have watched it dwindle away.  I have other friendships that I had to set boundaries on, because they were unhealthy.  And, I have a new friendship that is blooming.  One I would have never expected.

Recently I was able to have a lunch date with a friend, and we were talking about friendships. What I realized was that I was entering a new phase in friendships.  You see, when I was younger & even through my first years in MOPS, I was looking for friendships for ME. I wanted to surround myself with people who I thought were fun, that shared the same interests as me, etc.  I wasn't looking for friendships for my children.  I am at a place right now, where I am looking for more than just friendships but actual solid relationships between couples.

I want to friendships where both my husband and I are friends with the couple.  I want these to be friendships where may be we occasionally vacation together.  Where we can get together for date nights.  My kids are growing, they are going to go off to college one day and start their own lives.  I want a solid group of friends when we enter the empty nest stage.  That was what really struck me, wanting a GROUP of friends.  Not just one really good, inseparable friendship, but a group of people who are all friends with each other.  We can do things together alone with our spouses, just a few of us, or get the whole group together.

We are in the planning stages right now to take our kids on their first camping trip.  I can't help but think, that if all goes well, next time we should invite the group. Who ever can come, great.  Who ever can't, next time.

In Retrospect:  What I have been learning about building friendships has been really eye opening, and there is a lot I could have done differently. But I'll sum it up here:

Build friendships with families.  Even if you are really just looking for a girlfriend.  When the kids get along too, and dad gets thrown in to the mix... a long term SOLID relationship can begin.  

Set boundaries.  It's ok to realize a friendship is not what you need it to be, or is no longer working.  If you asked yourself "What positive thing has that person brought to my life in the last year", and you can't answer that question... that is a pretty good indicator that the friendship is no longer thriving.  Some friendships are for a purpose, some for a season and some for a lifetime.  

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Sure having 1 solid friend is nice, but you don't want to smother that person.  Nor, do you want to end up feeling alone when you really want to go and do something & they are unavailable.  But having a solid group gives you a number of friends to invite... and if they are all available... THE MORE THE MERRIER.

Be intentional.  Don't wait for the invites.  You can start the ball by sending out the invites yourself.  And do not be discouraged when someone says no.  Don't take it personally.  I can't tell you how many things I would have LOVED to go to or participate in... but I simply couldn't.  

Don't be desperate.  Don't allow yourself to become so desperate for a friend that you will compromise yourself, your values and morals, your beliefs or your sanity just to have a friend (or even to have a specific person as your friend).  Surround yourself with those who will bring out the best in you & you can do the same for them.

Finally, Don't Judge.  The person you think would be less likely to be your friend... may be one of the ones you end up spending the most time with.

And this is some of what The Word has to say on the matter:

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

 

In Retrospect, Part 3B ~ Raising My Children

In continuation of my previous thoughts, I wanted to insert this little snippet of a post.  These are more along the lines of tips I have learned through the years.

1)  On Schedule.   When I was a new mom, I was still embracing my night owl tendencies.  I thought it was totally appropriate to put the baby on MY schedule vs. creating a schedule for her.  This worked out great for me, during ages Birth - Five.  However, this is a decision I would come to regret the year she started school.  Even now, as she is getting ready to enter high school in the fall, she stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the mornings.  I recognized this mistake in enough time to not repeat it with my other two children.  I created a night owl.  It's a hard habit to break.

In Retrospect:  I highly recommend to parents not just putting their child on a schedule, but putting your children on a "school time schedule" as early as possible.  Even if you think you may eventually home school.  This will pay off for them and you in the long run.

2)  Meal Time.   When I was a new mom, I was still figuring out my way.  I never had to cook for a family.  I didn't really think about what I was feeding my family, because I was repeating the foods I was accustomed to eating.  I assumed I was fine, they would be fine.  My husband and I both face some health issues, and we are certain quite a bit of it can be related to eating convenience foods growing up.  We realized this a little too late.  By that point all of our children had been conditioned toward certain convenience foods.  Getting them to put away Velveeta Shells and Cheese for homemade Mac & Cheese has not been easy. 

In Retrospect:   I wish I would have become more concerned about the foods we eat earlier in this journey of motherhood.  I also wish I would have been more insistent about variety at younger ages, so that I got less argument at the older ages.  I am jealous of my friends who have kids who will eat sushi.

3)   Gut Instincts.  I grew up in a very sheltered home.  My mom was the person who was solely responsible for us kids, every decision was hers and the consequences of those decisions would be hers to live with.  She was a bit paranoid and over cautious.  This left us kids, me in particular, from enjoying a lot of the things kids get to enjoy growing up.  Sleepovers were limited to 2 friends.  I only had 1 friend that I could go on vacation with.  There were school trips and events I couldn't attend, because she had concerns.  I didn't want this for my kids.  I wanted them to have friends in the neighborhood.  I wanted them to have every opportunity to live their childhood to the fullest where and when I could.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would have listened to my gut instincts a bit more.  There are some friendships I would have put boundaries on, or put a stop to.  I would have kept my middle child back one year, and allowed her to start Kindergarten a year later.  I would have pursued my concerns about autism/add/adhd/etc a lot sooner.  I also wish I would have put more opportunities in place at our home.  We need to have more sleepovers HERE.  We need become the house where all the kids want to come.  This was our goal.  We have failed miserably.

4)  Setting Limits.  We are a very tech friendly family.  Unlike most of our friends, how children have had computer access since they were toddlers.  All 3 of my children by the age of 3, could put in a CD and install a new computer game.. entirely on their own.  By 5, they were able to log themselves in and playing games that even gave me difficulty in regards to coordination.  By 6, they were even playing games online with their dad and his friends.    We embraced this because we know that technology is the way of the future, and our children will be well versed.  And, we also knew there was nothing they could do to the computer that their dad couldn't fix.    Our kids each have their own computer, with specs built according to their needs.   

In Retrospect:  I wish we would have put some limitations in place.  Not because I believe it will rot their brains, and limit "screen time" like some many professionals suggest.  I believe that screen time is going to be part of their daily lives as adults... and increasing for generations to come.  But, I wish we would have set limits to the actually accessibility of their computers.  Setting a reasonable time frame each day that they are allowed on the computer, to ensure they are also spending adequate time on other things.  Not rushing through homework, to get online to play a game.  

5)  What belongs to who?  We apply a lot of possessive labels in our home.  Which is great for creating boundaries and respect for other people's property. However a sense of ownership and entitlement can accompany that very quickly.  For example, with our eldest...it's her cel phone.  We gave it to her, called it her phone, etc.  Now, she believes that she owns it...and when we have to apply a consequence or limit what she can use her phone for, we get a lot of attitude and argument.

"But, it's MY phone."

In Retrospect:  I would have been much firmer in these types of scenarios of making it clear that it is MINE and I am allowing you to use it.  In fact, to be entirely honest, in the case of the phone in particular... I would have bought the 3rd phone as a "Kids Phone" and not specifically for my eldest.  It would have had a universal storage place in the house, vs. being charged in my eldest daughters room.  It would be taken from that spot when any of the kids were leaving the house with us not present.  Which, currently is only my eldest, but that will be changing in just a few short years.

6)  Cause and Effect.  As a young mom, I had a weird notion that I just needed to survive the toddler years.  Then when they were old enough, I could just reason with them & expect them to fall in line with the rules.  I also thought I could reason with them about discipline and consequences.  I am learning even now, with a teenager, that you can't reason with them.  At least not the way I envisioned it working.

In Retrospect:  I would have loved to have realized this lesson much earlier.  It is something that I have been able to correct in my middle child, instill from the beginning with my youngest.  But my eldest and I still battle about Cause and Effect, and accepting the consequences of the choices she makes.  I would have been much conscious of my discipline techniques and applied them at a much earlier age.

God of Wonders

Do you find yourself caught in doubt? Have you ever wondered what God is doing in your life, circumstances or in the world around you?

I wonder what God is doing in this situation?

I wonder what God is trying to teach me?

I wonder when God is going to answer my prayers?

Most Christians will admit to a time in their life where they wondered about God and his plans.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG) “I don't think the way you think. The way you work is not the way I work. For as the sky soars above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond what you think.”.

It is comforting to me, in my moments of doubt and wonder, to cling to this scripture. I may never on this earth or in paradise know what God was doing, but God definitely knows what He has in store for us. However, I still can't help falling into moments of wonder.

I wonder what God sees in me? God sees what no one else sees, because He created me and He chose me to belong to Him. This has been part of His plan since the foundations of creation. (Ephesians 1:4-6 & Ephesians 1:11)

Ephesians 1:11 – We were chosen to belong to him. God decided to chose us long ago in keeping with his plan. He works out everything to fit his plan and purpose.

I wonder if God hears my prayers? God may not be appearing to answer your prayers, but what you may not see is what God is doing in the background. We have to trust that He has our best interest at heart, and that all things will be done in His perfect timing. Our prayers will be answered according to His will, not our own.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 – Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when the heat comes, for it's leaves remain green , and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

I wonder what God has planned for me? If God does see something in me, if His ways are not my ways, and God is hearing my prayers.... then what exactly is it that God is doing in my life? What does he have planned? Scripture tells us that God knows us well.

Psalm 139:-4 – O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.

God knows what we are capable of on our own, and what we are capable of when we let Him guide us. He takes our natural gifts and magnifies them. He equips those He calls & at the appointed time He has called them.

I wonder if others can see what God is doing? Sometimes we begin to wonder if others can see what God is doing, even when we can't. We may be getting better at our prayer life, digging into the Word more, attending church regularly... but are we really different? Are others able to see Christ in us? Are we a good representation of Christ in the world? Growth and change take time. Others may see changes long before we recognize them. But God is working in us so that we become that “new creation” spoken about in 2 Corinthians 5:17. As we grow, God will move us along in His plan. It is a journey, and for some of us the journey will be longer than others.

Colossians 1:10-11 – And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.

I wonder if God really cares about me? I am just one little person in this big world. God cares so much about us, He sent is own son to die on a cross for each of us. You and me. He has known every day we would live before the first was written. He created us, knitting us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). He puts support in place for us, to help us on our journey through this life. This support comes in the form of the Holy Spirit within us, His Word that we can depend on and learn from, our Church and sisters in Christ that we can lean on and grown with.

I wonder what will happen if and when I mess up? I am not perfect. In the parable of the prodigal son, we see a son who was raised just like his brothers... but went off on his own path. But when he returns home, his father accepts him, arms wide open and tends to all his needs. (Luke 15)

God isn't finished with us yet. We will stumble and fall sometimes, but God doesn't give up on us. He welcomes us back with open arms.

I wonder what I ever did to deserve the love that God has for me? Nothing.

God loves us, because God is love (John 4:8)

God loves us, because God created us. (Genesis 1:26-28)

He loves us when we don't love him. He is faithful to the faithless (2 Tim 2:13)

I wonder if God knows how much I love him and how thankful I am for his blessings in my life?

What are you doing in your life to answer that question?

* Written for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In Retrospect, Part 3 ~ Raising my Children

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

That piece of scripture is so true.  When you get a group of women together, especially when one of them is pregnant, we tend to share our birth stories.  We can recall a lot of it, but I can honestly tell you that I can't recall the physical pain, not on a tangible level.   I broke my ankle when I was a child, and I do have the ability to recall how badly it hurt, the excruciating pain of it.  When I tell the story of how I broke my ankle, it is never followed by "but it was worth it".  Yet, every birth story I have told or heard will end with that same sentiment.  I have no sensory recall of it, but I do know it was hard, it seemed to take for ever, I was relieved when it was done, and I had never felt so much love in my life.  With each child it was more and more love.  Less and less memory of all of the difficulty getting there. 

Having a child is literally the most joyous moment of my life.

But, raising my children has been quite the opposite.  Sure, when they are babies and we are experiencing the series of "firsts" it is nothing but wonderful.  The first time you hear "I love you mommy" your heart swells inside of your chest.  The first time they give you a kiss without you asking for it, is momenumental.

The first time they tell you "I hate you"... cuts deep, like a sword straight through your heart.

You know that they don't mean it, but the words hurt.  Deeply.  

Even that doesn't prepare you for they day they simply STOP.  Stop telling you, I love you.  Stop giving you hugs and kisses.  Stop wanting your attention and input.  Stop wanting you to be around.  

You start in a position where you are EVERYTHING to your child.  You do everything for them.  You are everything to them.  Suddenly you feel like you are nothing.  Then you begin to feel like you are their enemy.  

I wanted nothing more than to have that relationship with my children that they would WANT to be with me, to be the cool mom that everyone loved.  I realized quickly that I was failing at that role, as we entered the teenage years.  I know that most of it is simply "growing up".  One day my daughters will leave this house & cleave to their new husbands.  These years of teenage angst and pushing us away is part of that "cutting the cord" process.  They are creating distance between us so that they CAN leave.  It will be easier on them.  It will be easier on us.  

I am also realizing that part of this is my fault.  I was a young mom.  I was a selfish mom.  I didn't really understand the needs of a baby.  I was the youngest in my family, I had no chance to watch my mom raise an infant.   I read a few books, mostly about development and milestones.  None really focused on the emotional and relational aspects.  I was the first of my friends to get pregnant, so I didn't even had advice from anyone who was already going through it.  I was thrust into motherhood, unprepared.  

I distinctly recall with my first, encouraging her to be able to play on her own.  I was an independent person, after all.  I wanted to raise my daughter to be a strong independent woman.  I was encouraging her to make her own decisions, to not need anyone else.

Including me.

My second child would be a very HIGH SPIRITED child.  She was very needy, she required a LOT of my attention.  But I wasn't prepared to give her as much as she needed.  I would find myself in a place where I was sometimes just trying to get away from her.  (This is not an easy admission for a mom).  She was simply a LOT to handle.  In fact, once we had her... the grandparents were not quite so eager to babysit the kids as they used to be.  They would take the eldest... but leave her home.

Please don't judge them.

By my third, I was starting to get my act together.  I attribute so much of my progress to joining a local MOPS group.  I had a chance to see how other parented, biblical standards of parenting, and introduced to a SLEW of resources I didn't even know existed.  I can say confidently a better mother now, than I ever was.

This is no way means that I neglected or didn't love my children.  Far from the truth.  But I certainly had a lot to learn and it took me 3 kids to figure it all out.  Unfortunately a  little to late.  By this point my 1st was getting older, and at the time I am writing this... she is a teenager.  I have seen the results of some of my poor parenting choices almost daily, until recently.

It was one day, when I got one of those deep cutting "I hate you" moments that I decided to make a change.

In retrospect, I would have spent a lot more time developing a relationship with my daughters from a very young age.  My goal now is to look at each chance to interact with them as a blessing.  Before I turn them away, I ask myself... will I regret this decision?  I tend to stop what I am doing more now, and engage with them.  And most of my responses of NO have become NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND & I set a time.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Proverbs 29:17 sounds so encouraging, doesn't it.  I have yet to experience that.  I tell my children all the time how much it hurts me to have to discipline them.  I don't want this strain in our relationship.  I don't want to have to hear them retort at me their hatred of me.  I don't want to take away their fun.  I don't want to "ruin their life".  Yet, I do what I must... I am their mom, I love them, I want the best for them and I want them to grow into responsible God fearing women.

It all happened on lovely day, apply sarcasm here.  A bad report card came home.  It all hit the fan.  I want you to understand that I do not expect perfection from my children.  If their best is a C, then they have done their best & I can ask no more.  I can only do the best I can to help them where they struggle.  But when they are not willing to even try, when I see missing assignments.... This isn't your best.  So, since this was a recurring problem, she was grounded.  In our home that means no computer, no phone, no going anywhere.  And so it began... the "I hate you" flung in my face, followed by a string of "I can't do better"... "I am stupid... just accept it"... "I don't care about my grades, or you"... a threat of running away was also in there at some point, but I knew it was just a threat.  And my personal favorite argument "you don't understand what it is like...".  Because, as you know, I went straight from being in elementary school to adulthood.  I have no concept at all of being a "teen".  (I am sure you are noting my sarcasm there, too.)

She went to school the next day.  I went to the office supply store.  It took several hundred post it notes and several sharpies to complete my vision.  You see, I had decided to woo my daughter.  I covered the 2 mirrored closet doors... ENTIRELY... with post it notes.  Each one had something about her that I loved, respected or believed about her.  I wanted her to know that I "see her".  I wanted her to understand that "I get it".  I wanted her to see her self through my eyes.  I never wanted her to doubt my love again.

I was proud of myself.  When she got home from school, she went in her room.  I never heard a word about it.  The next time I went in her room, they were gone. My heart was broken.  It probably took her minutes to tear down this "wall of love" that I spent all day building.  I felt defeated, but I didn't give up.  I tried to figure out what her love language was.  I bought her little random gifts, that showed I knew what things she was interested in.  I would ask her to accompany me on errands.  I'd try to hug or kiss her on the cheek, tell her I love her.  I would praise her for the things she did well & I would purposely criticize less.  I would do some of her chores while she was at school so that she could come home and relax (and not have to deal with her dad getting on her case about them).  I could not figure this kid out.

In retrospect, I should have been doing this more often... and a lot sooner.  It's easier to keep your child's heart than to try and win it back.

Proverbs 22:6  Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 The good news is that God's Word and His promises are always TRUE and DEPENDABLE.

I may have made some poor parenting decisions, but my foundations were solid.  My children KNOW that I love them.  I never let a day pass where I don't say it, at least once.  (Which is a LOT more than I got as a child).  I also never stop trying.  She may be a teenager, and she may try to swat me away... but I still try to sneak in a kiss on her forehead or a bear hug.

I have also made the decision that I needed to verbally tell them that I was going to be a better mom.  I was going to try harder & they were allowed to call me out when ever I was slipping.

I remember growing up, having a very strained relationship with my mom.  I didn't want that with my own children.  But to be honest, it was such a hard relationship... and I had heard so many stories about how you become the parent you were raised by, I didn't even want children of my own.  I didn't want to be a mom, if it meant my relationship was going to be bad.  (Of course now you will see tons of internet meme quotes saying "If you kid hates you, you are doing it right).  Anyway, I didn't want kids.  At all.  Ever.

I have three.

One night, when we were talking about "God Stuff"... I said something to the effect of being eager for Jesus's return.  And my daughter said, "But I want to get married and have kids".

She wants to be a mom.

I did something right. 

Small victory, but I'll take it.

In retrospect, I realize that my mom was doing the best she could with the hand she was dealt.  Our relationship is much better.  And our relationship NOW constantly provides me with hope, of what will one day happen with my own daughters.  Our relationship may change, for a time, but it will not always stay that way.

It was only recently (in just the last few months), I am starting to see this come to fruition.

She told me, albeit in response, that she loved me.  On the phone.  When she was with her friends.

She let me hug her, on more than one occasion.

She has been coming to me daily to talk about her friends, her boyfriend, and other random things.

And I hang on every word of it. 

In Retrospect.. Part 2 ~ Loving My Husband

We all know marriage isn't easy.  If it was, we'd have less divorce.  If it was, we'd have people flocking to marriage vs.running from it.  When you grow up with a positive image of marriage, you realize that despite marriage being hard it is very rewarding.  You know that the good times will out number the bad.  You will understand the meaning of commitment, you will work to improve yourself and your relationship.  You will prioritize your spouse over yourself.  You will also learn to replicate this in your own home.  When both spouses come from homes that had successful marriages, it is a LOT easier to have the same for themselves.  Why?

1)  They understand that it is POSSIBLE.
2)  They witness the WORK that their parents put into it.
3)  They TRUST that it is worth it for the long haul, especially their kids.

I have never understood the people who stay married for the kids, and as soon as their kids are moved out of the house... they divorce.  Do they not think that their divorce will impact their children?  Do they not wonder if the children will look back on their childhood as a lie?  That everything they saw their parents doing, everything they heard them say... was just a show?

I don't fall in to either of these categories, nor does my husband.  We both come from divorced families, and in both of our cases both parents would remarry (sometimes several times).  However, we do have one big difference.  In the case of my husband, his parents would each remarry and the marriages would be lengthy, and the majority of the life he had a step parent.  He has had very few years where in each home, there was not a father and mother figure.  In fact, my husband is still close to his step-father today, even though his mother passed over 6 years ago.  They are actually closer.

I, on the other hand, have spent more time with a single parent, only counting a few years of actually having a step parent present in my life.  Most of which, I don't even remember.  The most influential person brought into my life, was a man my mother would have married.  Sadly, he passed away.  My father did remarry, I was practically an adult and he thousands of miles away.  To this day, I have only seen her in person once.

My husband, despite coming from a divorced family, still had a fairly good representation of marriage.  He understood the roles of the husband and the wife.  He understood the dynamics of people living together.  He understood the concepts of compromise, sacrifice, spousal love, etc.

In my case, I really had no concept.  My mother had custody of us.  She was mostly single, her marriages didn't last long.  I had no comprehension of what it was like to have to compromise... my mom was in charge.  She made the decisions.  End of story.  There were no dinner table conversations about how to handle anything.  I didn't even have an idea of what was acceptable PDA (public displays of affection) in front of children.  I didn't know how to be "romantic" in my home, when there we peering eyes of children.  I never witnessed my mom flirting with my dad, or my dad chasing her around the kitchen.  There was no playful banter.  There were also no arguments that had to be resolved.  I didn't understand conflict resolution at all.  I was handicapped when I came into my marriage, emotionally and literally.  I didn't know how.

In the literal sense, I was handicapped is most senses of the word.  I didn't know how to cook.  I didn't know how to clean (not REAL cleaning).  I didn't understand budgeting.  I didn't grasp the roles my husband and I would have in the home.  I didn't know how to physical respond, or what the expectations would be.  I didn't realize how much my life would change.

In the emotional sense, I was handicapped.. much like the child who didn't like physical affection, who doesn't know how to relate, who wanted everything my way and demanded it so.  But more so, I was emotionally untrusting of "marriage".  I wondered when it would be that my marriage would end.  I was anticipating it.  Things would get tough, he would leave, then I would do what my mom did.  I didn't realize at the time that I was actually pushing him out the door.

I honestly can't recall a specific thing I did, I just know... deep down... that I was guarded, waiting for the shoe to drop; and I emotionally kept myself at a distance so it wouldn't hurt so bad when it happened.  You can't tell me that won't affect your marriage on it's own.  Perhaps things were tough, and perhaps he found me difficult, and perhaps he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. I wasn't making it any easier.

I just knew I wasn't going to be the one to take that first step.  I wouldn't ask for a divorce.  But, I'd sign the papers if he brought them to me.  I attribute that to my deep inner desire to never fail at anything.  It is easy to be blinded and blame it on the other person...all the while, you are pushing and pushing.  I had played the scenario out in my head many times.  I also complained a LOT to my mother about him.  I think I was prepping her to be on my side, edging her to think the worst of him, and even preparing her to come to my rescue when the time came.

While all of this was going on, interestingly enough, my faith journey was really just beginning.  I was growing closer to God.. and over time I would begin to realize that I wasn't being a good wife.  I wasn't responding to my marriage how God would have wanted me to.  I wasn't respecting my marriage covenant.  To divorce my husband would be breaking my vow to God.  I was going to try and make it better.

It would be in that attempt, I would come to fall in love with the Proverbs 31 Woman.  I wanted to be that.  I tried.  I failed.  But, I didn't give up.

It would take several more years of trying, failing and not giving up.  I would have moments where I felt like I was the only one trying.  Criticizing my husband for what he wasn't doing.  The sacrificing he wasn't making.  It wasn't working.

What I did realize was the my husband was still there.  He had every good reason to leave me years ago, but he didn't.

- He was dedicated to his marriage
- He was dedicated to his children
- He was dedicated to God, even if not in the way I wanted him to be.

Admission:  I spent a LOT of time trying to be my husband's holy spirit.    Bad plan.

I dug further into the Proverbs 31 Woman... and I began to GET IT.  It wasn't about all the things listed in the scripture that she did.  It was about her relationship with God, her "fear of the Lord that was worthy of praise".... THAT WAS THE KEY!

The more I dug into it, I realized my story would be different.  Proverbs 31 was not a check list.  It was inspiration.  It was hope.  It was confidence.  It was affirmation. It was everything I didn't think it was going to be.

Over the last several years, my marriage has come to a place where it is better than it ever was.  When my husband was having the first of two major surgeries... my fear of losing him bubbled to the surface and the love I had for this man was overflowing.  I couldn't really handle it.  My faith in God to provide for us in this time was strengthened.  For the next 8 months, while he would be home recovering, we would learn to depend on each other in ways we had never needed to prior.  And, we are all the better for it.

I am still learning to be a better wife.  I still fail.  I still keep on trying.  I am less focused on what I think he needs to be doing, and more focused about what I need to be doing.  How can I be a better wife?  How can I be a better mother?  How can I keep a better house?  How can I show him how much I appreciate everything he does for us?  How can I show him that I love him?  How can I become that woman, that he praises at the city gates?

It starts with:

1) Strengthening your relationship with God & praying for his influence in your marriage.

Matthew 19:4-6  

 Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

2) Look at yourself & your role in the marriage.  Are you doing your part?

This article sums it up nicely: The Wife's Role in Marriage

3) Refusal to keep score, count wrongs, hold grudges, nag, and all those things that create division.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

4) Choose to not only see, but recognize, his very best attributes.  Keep them on the forefront of your mind.

Ephesians 4:2

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.

In retrospect:  Had I turned to God sooner, had I made the realization faster that I can't be my husband's holy spirit, had I determined to focus on myself, and had I allowed my walls to YEARS ago... maybe we would have reached this place sooner.  Either way, I couldn't be happier in my marriage.  I don't expect anything more than who my husband is, the way God created him.  I love him, and extend him grace... the same way, I would want him to do for me.