In Retrospect... Part 1 ~ Tending the Home

When I was growing up, we were not really given chores in the sense of a regular occurring responsibility in the home.  My grandmother was a "do it yourself, so it gets done right" kind of woman.  My mother definitely embraced the mentality that kids are only kids for a short time, and will have a lifetime of responsibilities.  That doesn't mean we sat around and did nothing, but she wanted us to enjoy our childhood.  The expectations on us were to go to school, get good grades, clean our room when she told us to, and then to do the random things she would ask of us.  It was sort of an "as needed basis" expectation.

In memory I can really only recall having to do things like move a load of wash into the dryer, or put the trash out.  I honestly don't recall her ever asking me to wash any dishes or clean up the house.  There were times I did it "just because", but I won't lie... that was rare.  Like the time I made dinner for her on Mother's Day, and left all the clean up for her.  We can both laugh at it now, and I am sure at the time she appreciated the thought behind it.  But, I realize, that my attempt to do something nice (make dinner) actually created more work for her in the end.  At least she knows my heart was in the right place.

In retrospect, I have realized that you need to find the balance between both.  Allowing your children to have a manageable chore list that doesn't consume their day, yet helps them contribute to the family in a tangible way.  I once read a suggestion that you should give your child one chore for every year in age.  That is fine and dandy when they are 3, but once they hit 16?  This is a child who is already going to be overloaded with high school work, social or sport obligations, etc.  Expecting them to also complete 16 chores each week is a bit much.  I want my children to know how to relax and have down time. 

Everything I knew about cleaning the home was something I really witnessed, more than actual practice.  Sure, I took Home Eec at school.  I can sew on a button in record time.  I learned to cook meals from recipes.  I can still follow directions perfectly.  I understand WHY we cleaned, and what we USED to clean, but I really was never taught HOW to clean in Home Ec.  From watching my grandmother, I had a lot of questions.  Such as:  Why on Earth would she wash the walls once a month?  and my personal favorite from that time period Why is Grandma raking the carpet?

These were things I just didn't understand and thought that perhaps my grandmother was a little OCD.

In retrospect, now that I have children, I absolutely understand why she would wash the walls down once a month.  And yes, you will even find me doing it every now and again.  Not monthly, but several times a year. 

My mother was very busy, she was a single mom supporting three children.  She sometimes had more than one job. For much of these years, it was simply a matter of getting it done.  She would have her methods that wouldn't make sense to me, but she was maximizing her time as efficiently as possible. 

In retrospect, now that I have my own busy life, I can see the need to develop your own system that works to get the job done.

Unfortunately, when I first became a wife and parent, I began as a micromanager.  I bought into my grandmother's mentality that it was easier to do it right the first time, my way, and get out of my way while I do it.

In retrospect, I realize that by doing this they will not learn HOW to do anything.  I am not equipping them for adulthood.  I am setting them up to have to fumble through some of this on their own, just like I did.  This is hard for me, as allowing them to do it does not always mean it will be done the way I want it done.  I have had to learn to bend and compromise.  As long as it is done, I need to not care that they did it in their own way.

When you have this mentality to do it yourself, the right way... and then you add in the idea that "kids should be kids" like my mom felt... you will suddenly find yourself doing everything.  You will resent those who do not offer to help (because you don't ask, you want them to offer).  You get angry when you ask them to do something and they don't do it in your time frame (because you have never given them reason to).  You feel unappreciated as they get older and still expect you to do everything (because you have taught them that you want to do it yourself anyway).  You get tired of doing the chores and tending the home (because you have been doing it alone for umpteen years and you are just over it).

In retrospect, I realize that I should have involved them more.  I should have had some expectations in place.  I should have never allowed it to get to the place of resentment or anger.  I should have asked more often.  But, I also realize that this is the role I have chosen and most of this comes with the job.  I can't give it all away.

I have been learning to do a better job,every year I have improved over the year before.  In part it is because I am finally at a place where I accept that this is the role I have chosen, and that the most difficult years (cleaning up toys, spills on the ground, etc) are quickly passing me by. Soon finding a toy in the house will be like trying to find a unicorn.   My life will resemble Toy Story 3.  

I have also begun to find contentment in my life.  It is really hard to WANT to clean that house or apartment that you think is too small.  It is hard to want to take care of the hand me down furniture.  Why bother vacuuming the couch now that your child took a sharpie marker to it.  It is very difficult to muster the motivation to clean your child's room when you know in 15 minutes it's going to be destroyed again.  It is easy to give up.  It is easy to fall into a trap that NEW will make it better.  A new storage system will keep their room clean.  RIGHT?  A bigger house will give you more room and storage and things won't get so messy.  REALLY?  A new house or piece of furniture will create more motivation to keep it clean because it is new vs. that dingy old hand me down that you don't care about.  ABSOLUTELY?

In retrospect, I realized that more space means more stuff.   I realized that you can buy all the organization tools in the world, but if you don't use them... then you won't get it done and you wasted your money.  I realized that new doesn't make it better, because nothing stays NEW.  Not  unless it is the formal living room set you bough for the sitting room that no one is allowed to sit on, unless you have guests over... and you never have guests over.

What I had to realize was that I had to be content with the life I had.  I had to appreciate the things I had.  But I also realized that I needed to tend to and care for what I already had before God would bless me with something bigger and better.  

Now, the funny thing is... I don't want bigger.  I don't want better.  I want only what I need and works for me now.

I had the opportunity to the clean the house of woman, it was a one time gig, who had a MUCH bigger home than I did.  I thought it would be super easy because she didn't have kids, didn't have pets, was rarely home.  It too FOREVER.  Sure there was no grime to clean up.  There wasn't a ton of pet hair stuck to everything.  She just had a lot of rooms, with general stuff in it.  I wouldn't call it cluttered, or even say that she had too much stuff in the house.  Not at all.  In fact she had a regular cleaning person (I was just helping out temporarily).  But, there was just so much to wipe down and polish.

I came home that night and told my husband I didn't want a bigger house.  Ever.

I also began ridding my home of a lot of unnecessary things that were eating up my time and my energy.  Last night I needed to clean the guest bathroom and main living areas of the house and I mean CLEAN it.  Polish the furniture, wipe down the kitchen cabinets, etc.  I had the whole thing done, including mopping within about an hour.  That was nice.  Really nice.  I still have a lot to go in the kids rooms and such.  But getting to the place of "less is more" is freeing.  Less = more time.  Less = more energy.  Less = more space.

In retrospect, I should have realized a lot sooner that the solution to too much stuff, too much to clean... was NOT buying MORE stuff.  There is never going to be enough containers or room for storage when you keep getting more.  I should have begun purging a long, long time ago.  I am finding so much more peace in my life having LESS.  And since I have less, I need less.  And since I am content about it, I don't find myself wanting.

What it comes down to is being happy with what I have been blessed with, and finding joy.  And that starts with a purposeful change in MY attitude.

Tending the home is important, it is my job and I want to do it well.  Not just for my family, but for myself.  When my children talk about their childhood, I don't want them to remember chaos and clutter, but sitting around the table and playing board games.  I want them to find a level of responsibility of caring for what belongs to us.  I want to teach them how, so they are equipped when they are starting their own households.  I also want them to be able to look back and remember having fun and hanging out, not being a workhorse.  

In retrospect, I could have been a better keeper of the home.  In present day, I am working on improving.  My goal is to teach my children, make my home happier for all who live in it, and not be so bogged down in cleaning and caring for stuff... that I miss out on life.

A Mother's Worst Nightmare, A Word of Advice

Today I received one of those calls you just never want to receive.  Loosely quoted... "Has your daughter heard from mine at all today?".... my answer was no, as my daughter was still in school.  "Why?" I asked..... "Because she is gone....."

"What do you mean she is gone.....?"

These are words that as a mother you never hope to utter.  Here I was, on the other end of the phone... listening to my dear friend say them.  I was in disbelief.  It took me just a moment to process what I was hearing.

This was the teenager I would never have expected to do such a thing.

It goes to show that you can never truly understand what is going on in the mind of a teenager.  They are entirely unpredictable.

It would take several hours, and a team of us driving around until she would be found.  Instead of coming home when I got the news, I headed to their house.  I was going to face this child, whom I love like my very own.  On the one hand I just wanted to hug her & love on her, as I was so relieved she was home, safe and sound.  On the other hand, I was angry at her for what she had done.  I won't even lie, I just wanted to grab her and shake her, hoping to jostle some common sense in to that brain.

What she had done was dangerous.  It was irresponsible.  It was selfish.  It was hurtful.....

But when I saw her, my heart was softened.  I could tell she did feel remorse for her actions.  I truly believe she couldn't really explain why she thought this was a good course of action.  Instead of yelling at her, I cried, I hugged her, and I tried to understand.  But, do not let that imply I didn't sternly reprimand her for her stupidity. Yes, stupidity.

Here is where the advice is going to come in....

I told her that I loved her.  I told her that I understand that sometimes life gets hard, feels unfair and sometimes you just feel like you need to get away.  But, she had more options.  She could have called me, I would have come over & picked her up.  She could have stayed with me until she cooled down.

Mothers, as much as we love our children and as much as we try to let them know that they can come to us about anything and everything... we hold a very particular role in our homes.  We will always be mom.  It is hard to come to mom & complain about mom. It is hard to come to the person who issued the punishment and tell them about how unfair it is (even when we know that we are in the wrong).  I remember having the same feelings about my mom, I know my kids have felt that way about me at times too.   

The reason it is hard is simply because in that moment, mom can't just sit and listen.  Mom can't have sympathy or empathy for them.  Instead mom will take that moment to continue the lectures or explain for the hundredth time why we made the decision we did.   Sure, mom will couple it with "I love you" and even the fantastic cliche of "I am only doing this because I DO care".  But, that doesn't make them feel better.  Sometimes they just need someone to say, I understand.  I understand you don't think it is fair, I understand that you are frustrated right now.  Let's go get some ice cream & cool down a bit.  They need someone they can call on in these moments, someone they can trust and someone that will give them sage advice (when they are ready to hear it).

I thought I had done a good job of putting myself into this role with my friend's daughter.  It's come up in the conversations of the past.  However, I realize now, that I have not built that relationship up as she has grown.  I haven't proven myself.  I haven't proven this trust.  I haven't proven this dependability to her.  I waited until she blew her stack to remind her that I was an option for her in these moments.

I need to make a point of building up that relationship, between her and I.  So that she knows I am a safe & dependable option for those moments when she just wants to flee.  I failed.  And my heart was broken with worry, fear and panic today.

As your children grow, it is important to have good peer friendships for them, a good crew of BFFs.  We all do it, encouraging the friendships we want to flourish and grow.  But do not forget to have a "mentor" in place.  An older teen, college age or adult friend who is put into you child's life... not just because they are YOUR friend, but to become someone your child can depend on & come to when they fear they cannot come to you.  It is a strategic move to put more positive influences in your child's life, resources for them to draw from, and a safe place for them to fall.

When you have found that person (or persons) for your child, encourage them to have some one on one time together.  Aid that friendship and bond in it's growth, encourage them to talk to each other, and make time for their relationship.  Do not allow yourself to grow jealous over their relationship.  It's not better than your relationship with your child, it's different.  VERY different.

And then... when you have done this for your child.... BECOME THIS role for someone else.

It just may keep the phone from ringing.... and hearing those words.... or worse, uttering them yourself.

It's Been a While... My Journey to Becoming a Better Wife

It has been exactly one month since my last blog entry.  That is enough time to kill a blog, sending it to the internet cemetery.  For those who are wondering "where did she go"... or "what happened to her posts"... I offer this explanation:  I am trying to be a better wife.  The wife that my husband deserves.  The wife I should have been all along.  And, for those who share my beliefs... I am trying to be the woman that God has called me to be.

Scripture references the wife as a helpmeet, but honestly that wouldn't be a term that applied to me entirely.  I was designed by God, or if you are not a believer... I was entrusted within my vows, to be a partner, sharing in the load and in fact often taking more of the burden upon myself in order to lighten the load of the person I supposedly love more than anyone else on the planet.

But, in total admission, my actions were hardly such.

Over the years I have had bouts of selfishness, moaning over the sacrifices I have made to be a stay at home mom. I have belly ached about having to "to it all" in regards to raising our children.  I have probably bullied my husband on more than one occasion to make a certain decision, or take a certain course of action.  I am far from the perfect wife.  I definitely fell short of being put on any sort of pedestal. 

Now, however, I am really trying.

For the past several years I have been researching and teaching others about Proverbs 31's "Wife of Noble Character".  This has been having a profound impact on me, and how I see my marriage.  I have been taking small steps over the past few years.  I have been trying, but sometimes it is hard to not give into my flesh.

I do not want to do the laundry.
I do not want to clean the house.
I do not want to do the bed time routine one more night.
I do not want to make dinner.
I do not want to ferry the kids around places.
I do not want to be intimate with my husband according to his needs or desires.
I do not want to wait to save up the money for things that I want now.
I do not want to take money from my business, that I worked hard for, to put into the family.

I was selfish.  I was being lazy.  I was being unreliable.  I was being uncaring.  I was being a horrible wife.  I was being a less than stellar mom.

Now, don't get me wrong... just because I didn't WANT to do them doesn't mean that these things didn't get DONE.  But my heart and my attitude about doing them certainly didn't reflect love, but instead reflected obligation and I was definitely not a mirror of Christ in my life to others.

I wanted a new wardrobe, for the whole family.  I didn't want to put the extra work into sorting the laundry more piles based on their labels, to put the time into pre-treating stains or repairing rips and tears.  I didn't want to do it RIGHT.  I wanted to do it FAST.

Proverbs 22:29: “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.” (KJV)

I wanted a house that was bigger & better.  I didn't want to get rid of excess, I just wanted more space to hold the unnecessary things we had.  That was my solution.  And, since my solution wasn't being met, the best way to illustrate the need was to have daily reminders as we saw the piles building each day.  I worried about the most visible places, letting the rest ride longer between cleanings.  I cared more about what others thought about me, than my own family.  I did the bare minimum, and dared to complain that it was too much & implying that more space would solve everything.

Luke 16:10  "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."  (NIV)

I wasn't diligent in my business.
I wasn't trustworthy with little.

I realized that God wouldn't bless us with "more" of anything, if we were not 1) content with what we had  and 2) responsible and a good steward with what we had.

I started making small changes years ago.  I was on my way to becoming more fiscally responsible (in saving and in spending).  I started to take better care of the home, of myself and of the kids.

Time passes quickly and it is hard to fall back into old habits.

Something that recently occurred to me was that I had been studying Proverbs 31 to become a better wife, because that is what God called of me.  But it really wasn't until quite recently that I realized it was more than that.  I had neglected to consider all the things my husband had sacrificed and his daily struggles to allow me to be home with our kids, to put the roof over our head and all of the ways he put the children and I ahead of himself.

So how did this impact the "blog".  Franky it was the decision that before I took on another task, putting a new entry on my calendar, I needed to make things right with my husband.  Which must start from within.  I had to make my heart right.

I love my husband dearly, but I don't think I have done a great job of letting him know how much I appreciate him & the life he has given me.  It was time to make some changes.  It was time to take my earnings and put them into the house and family, just as he did.  I had to lose the notion that this earned money was "mine", yet his earned money was "ours".  If there was something I really wanted, and wanted it sooner vs. later... I had to be willing to put the work into making that happen.

I had to let go of some of the frustration and resentment that my earned money was used to float the family during the months he was home recovering.  And, I especially needed to rid myself of the notion that I needed to be "paid back" once he had returned to work.

I had to respect the home that he provides us with, by taking care of it.  Putting it ahead of my hobbies and phone calls.  Walking into a home that is clean, creates a sense of peace that helps my husband unwind and leave his work worries at the door.  When he leaves chaos (work) and comes home to chaos, it makes the day harder for him.

I had to recognize that if it were not for me & the children, my husband would be living a completely different life.  I know he would NOT have the job he does at the moment.  He would do something he loves, for a lot less money, and a lot less stress.  He would also be able to spend his earnings entirely on his own wants and desires, instead of putting ours ahead of his own.  How ungrateful I am when I whine and complain about what I don't have & what I have given up.

The changes for me had to start within.

I want to be a better wife.
I want to make his home a place of peace and refuge.
I want to ease his burden.
I want to prepare foods that nourish and reenergize him.
I want to have his clothing, home and children presentable.
I want him to never question my love, devotion or care for him.
I want him to stand before his peers, and be held in high esteem.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to feel confident that in his absence, I will tend to the home & family just as he would.
I want him to trust me and depend on me.
I want him to know that he & our family are my priority over my own desires.
I want to be my best for him, and assure him that I appreciate him.

He deserves nothing less.

In the near 9 months that my husband was home recovering from surgery, we certainly began a journey that would have a huge impact on our marriage.  But it was until very recently when my heart began to change due to my desires vs. necessity... that I really began to "get it".

My marriage is better each day.  My family is better each day.

I am leaving the nagging behind.
I am grasping appreciation for my blessings.
I am becoming a good steward and building responsibility and confidence in my home.
I am stepping out of my comfort zone.
I am changing my relationship with my family daily, improving it.

You see, often in our marriages when things are less than perfect... it is easy to point at others and view their mistakes, their failures, how they disappoint, etc.  We use these things as justifications to NOT do what we know we should be.  We forget how blessed we are.

When we stop and look at ourselves, asking this question ... "How am I accountable in this situation?"... our eyes begin to open.  When we make the decision to see our spouse through the eyes that they are good willed, loving people, who do so much for us, our heart begins to open.  When we recognize the things we need to do to rectify our obstacles, our minds begin to open.  Suddenly it becomes less about what they are doing/not doing and we see and understand our own selves and our own motivations more clearly.

I did.
I was ashamed.
But, I am trying.  It's getting better.
Every day, when I wake up in the morning, it is one more change to get it right.

I think it is fair to say that my husband wouldn't say I was a perfect wife.  Yet, I know that he recognizes the difference.  Because he tells me so, and then I feel more appreciated.

It creates a circle of love, support and encouragement.   His response to my actions, only makes me want to do more.

I may not have been posting about my pursuit of the Proverbs 31 Woman, but I had not abandoned it.  I was simply busy doing it vs. thinking about it.