She Gets Me!

Recently I began reading a book titled "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope, which I have posted about before.  It has been one of those books that I read a little here and a little there, especially while I sit in the parent pick up line at the school waiting for my children.


In Chapter 4, I read Renee's words and I immediately thought to myself "she gets me!".  Renee writes "I wanted God to burn the pages of my old story and write what I thought would be a better story for Him to tell."  Isn't that the truth!  For those of us who have made one or more poor decisions in our past, particularly ones that carry long term consequences.  It would be so wonderful to blot those parts of our history out of the books, to start fresh with blank pages where we can only write down the best parts, or what we hope our future will bring.

Renee continued, "Instead He wanted to finish what He started, completing the work He had begun in me with a narrative that would bind up my broken heart and set this captive free."

If you are at all familiar with potted plants, you might recognize the term "root bound".  This is when a plant's roots have grown to the point that they are too big, or too many for the pot they are in.  If you leave your plant in such a way, it will eventually die.  It has no more room to grow, no more room spread out, and it will begin to almost strangle itself.  When we hold onto our past, trying to bury it below the surface we too can become "root bound".  We try to keep it all inside and hidden, instead it continues to grow within us, suffocating our joy and happiness and filling us with it's tangled roots.

When a plant is becoming "root bound", the best thing you can do for it is to take the plant out of the pot, untangle the roots and plant it in a new pot, bigger and more spacious for future growth.

Isaiah 51:3 reads "The Lord willy surely comfort and will look with compassion on all ruins; he will make deserts like Eden, wastelands like the garden of the Lord".

Just as we need to release that plant for the captivity of it's small pot, we need to allow ourselves to be set free from the captivity of our past sins.  To embrace a wider and more hopeful future.  We can stretch out our roots, breath fresh air, and take in the living waters.  We can grow into something greater than before and we can use our past to not only move us more steadfast into our future, but as a way to help others.  Perhaps our experiences when shared will keep another from taking that same road.  Or, we may find that our healed pain provides inspiration for those who are currently hurting, giving them hope that they too will overcome their past.

My grandmother had an aloe plant that was probably older than I was.  When my husband I bought our first home, I brought that aloe plant with me.  I decided to take it out of it's pot and put it into the ground.  As I lifted it out, all to easily, I saw the twisted and mangled roots.  This aloe plant was definitely root bound.  I began unwrapping the roots, ever so gently, and realized I needed to dig a bigger hole in the ground.  After widening the hole, I placed the aloe plant in the ground, patted down the soil around it, and watered it.

This little tiny single aloe plant has grown into an impressive plant, about 5 times the size it was in the pot.  It now has multiple off shoots of new growth.  It is no longer struggling, but healthy and thriving.  When it was released from the pot, it was able to become something new.

Just as we are, when we are released from the captivity of our past & allowed to heal in our present, so that we can flourish in our future.

Isaiah 49:13

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

We don't have to rewrite our past to become a new person, a better person.  We only have to make the active choice to be freed from those bonds, and allow God to finish the work He started in us.  We simply have to get out of our own way.

Biting My Tongue

 

When I was a young child, I was seated at my grandmother's organ.  She had carpet in her home, and it was very difficult for me to slide the bench back, in order to get up from the organ when I was done.  I was little, so I would just slip down between the organ and the bench.  One day, when I was sliding through the weight on the organ bench shifted and it quickly tilted forward.  It was then, due to being startled by the tilt, that I would let out a small yelp that would coincide perfectly with the momentum from the tilt pushing me face forward into the organ keys.  

I nearly bit off my own tongue.  It is one of those moments from childhood I can recall vividly.  The sound of my chin slamming into the keys, followed by the sound of my teeth slamming together.  Then came the blood.  Lots of blood.  In some ways it probably looked worse than it was, as in these injuries your blood mixes with increased saliva (body response to the injury) and it looks like there is more blood than there really is.  I remember my grandmother bringing me ice wrapped in a towel to numb the pain, stop the bleeding and soak up the blood already lost.  

Afterwards my tongue was a bit swollen, sensitive to certain foods and I admittedly didn't care for talking for a few days after the fact.   

Years later in one of my acting classes we were working on our final scenes and my character was supposed to cry at the end.  As an actress when I was committed to a scene and really understood the character, crying in response to the text in performance really wasn't that hard.  However, this was a different scenario.  I didn't pick the scene.  I didn't pick my partner.  I didn't like the part.  I just wanted to get it over with and get my grade.  I also knew that my teacher was familiar with what kind of work to expect from me, so I knew I was going to have to let the water works flow.

So, I bit my tongue.  I recalled how painful that was as a child.  I felt confident that it would result is some sort of misty teary eyed response that would be adequate enough for my teacher. I was successful.  I was also in pain.  

Biting your tongue is not an easy thing to do.  Almost everyone has that moment where you do it by accident & it hurts really bad.  To actually do it on purpose is entirely different.  Your body knows what you are planning to do, and it anticipates the pain.  I liken it to the fact that we can't tickle ourselves.  Our bodies are prepared in advance for the response to the stimuli.  When one is biting their own tongue on purpose, you have to bite harder in order to get the tears to start.  I'd like to note here, before I continue, this is not something I would advise doing nor is it a "technique" I would ever employ again.  

Figuratively, biting your tongue is even more difficult.  It could be that you have observed something you are in disagreement with and feel compelled to actually speak up about it, even though it isn't any of your business.  Possibly you are in a heated debate with another person and you just have to get in the final word, make your point or beat them into verbal submission.  And then of course there is the reason that has absolutely nothing to do with the other person at all. Rather, it is about your need to justify to yourself your own actions, behaviors or opinions that are entirely wrong, or at least partially incorrect.  

 You find yourself winding down the rabbit hole from a simple conversation to an argument or even broken relationships.  In many cases we can even see what is happening and yet do not have enough self control to stop our mouth from speaking or our fingers from typing another word.  In the end, what did we accomplish.  Nothing more than looking like a fool.

 Proverbs 17:28   Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. 

 Words have tremendous power.  Whether in speech, poem or song, written or spoken, they can create emotion and evoke action.  Yet, despite our knowledge of this, we seem to willingly let the words fly out of our mouths without concern for the consequences.  We do not think before we speak and in the world of the internet it has become even easier to says things to a person we would never say to their face.

 James 3:10  From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

 It is something I am really working hard on for my own self.  I want to tame my tongue.  I want to make sure that the things I say are positive.  I don't want to get into smear campaigns like modern day politicians.  It's not being naively optimistic, but strategically positive.  There are enough people in the world handling all of the negativity, they really don't need my help and frankly I don't want any part of it.  Not any more.  

 Titus 3:2  To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

When we make the choice to see the best in each other, the value in each other, the beauty in each other and the importance of each other... biting our tongue becomes easier.    As your care and concern for each other increases, you become more aware of your words and how they can impact others.  You begin to choose your words more carefully and you also choose your battles more carefully.

If in every potential conflict you asked yourself "will my response be harmful to our relationship?" and /or "is the issue more important to me than our relationship", you may find yourself putting aside your comments to keep the peace.  

A friend and I were recently having a Facebook discussion on the difference between being passionate about a subject or bullying people over the subject. The subject has been weighing on me a better part of today.  What is the difference, how can you tell if you are being passionate or a bully?  I have come to rest upon the following...

Passionate = positive.  Bullying = negative.  

A person who is passionate about a subject not only loves talking about it, but focuses on the positive attributes of the subject.  A person who is passionate about God, is going to speak about God is a beautiful way, making the Lord desirable to others, who has pure concern for the other person's life and their salvation.  A bully is about proving they are right, calling names, being hurtful and focusing on the other person's transgressions over the beauty of a loving God. 

A person who is passionate about a cause is going to be a great representative for the cause.  In politics a passionate person is going to focus their efforts on promoting the successes of their candidate, and not involve themselves in a smear campaign about the other guy.  If you passionate about a good cause you are going to share the benefits of that organization without tearing down the competition or other good causes trying to get support...simply because you think your cause is best.

Proverbs 21:23  Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble

 That all said, when one is engaged in active conversation, it is easy for our tongue to get away from us.

  Proverbs 10:19  When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. 

We begin running off at the mouth, trying to help our cause or prove our point and end up coming off as a fool.  We say things we should have, in the heat of the moment.  We speak without checking our facts.  Or even worse, we speak about things that were trusted to us in confidence.  And, the more we speak, the worse it gets.  Before we know it, it can lead us to a place where we can't take back our words, the pain we caused and irreparable damage has been done. 

This emotional pain stings as badly, if not worse, as when I bit my tongue not just once, but again.  What makes the situation more sad?   We rarely learn our lesson the first time.  We do it over and over again, refusing to see the error in our ways.  In fact, we will often look to the person who was offended and think it is THEIR PROBLEM because they misunderstood us or misinterpreted our meaning.  We blame them for our inability to tame our own tongue.

I'd rather bite my tongue physically forcing myself to stop talking than to continue to allow my words to create pain, discord or ruin relationships.

 Psalm 141:3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! 

 

A Breath of Fresh Air

I recently began a new devotional series called "14 Days of Fresh Air"  via my YouVersion Bible App on my phone.  Totally cliche, I know.  But for right now the budget is tight, and I needed a study that was free.  Time is tight, I needed a study that was flexible to my schedule.  This sounded perfect.

Yesterday was "Day 2" and I can't tell you how glad I am to have read it.

I am certain we have all, at some time, discussed "toxic people".  These are the people who are emotionally, physically, financially and sometimes spiritually draining.  They are time stealers, they are full of negativity, they may cause you to compromise your values, they burn your ears with gossip, and they are really hard to set boundaries with.

Experts and well meaning people will tell you to limit your contact with them, they may even tell you to remove them from your life completely.  We can get so wrapped up with these toxic people that they begin to invade our lives even when they are not around.  We talk about them to others, sometimes out of a need to vent and sometimes out of genuine advice seeking.

Toxic things have a way of enveloping us and follow us where we go.  As a mom, I recall once being out when the baby spit up and some missed the burp cloth.  Even though I immediately went to the restroom and cleaned it off to the best of my ability, there was this smell that just lingered about me.  Perhaps it was in my head, because I knew what had just happened.  Or, perhaps my friends were just being kind when they told me that they couldn't smell anything at all.  Regardless, I could smell it in the air around me.  Toxic people can be like this, they can linger in our lives even after we remove (or limit) their influence on our lives. 

When we are confronted with something toxic, our natural instinct is to want to get away from it.  However sometimes that just isn't enough. If this toxin is in the form of an illness, we seek out medication to treat it.  In the case of a smell, we seek out fresh air.   It helps us truly purge that toxin from our body, and our senses.

When the toxin is a person, it is hard enough just to get to the point of setting boundaries or ending the relationship.  Then, as Christians, we become consumed with guilt.  We begin to question if we did the right thing, we ask ourselves "What would Jesus do?".  And so we linger in this toxin, long after it is gone.  And, occasionally, we return to it after time has passed.  In a faint attempt in hope that it would be better, or they would have seen the error of their ways and changed.  Creating a toxic circle.

We never get to that step of truly purging our self of that toxic relationship by replacing it with fresh air.  We become too acquainted with misery, that we would rather have toxic friends/family than have no friends/family at all.  Our insecurity of being alone makes us cling to something vs. the risk of having nothing.

We need to breathe in a breath of fresh air into our lives.  We need to purposely seek out a person or persons to be that fresh air.  You can recognize "Fresh Air People" because they are the ones who cheer you up, cheer you on.  They are the people who support you, check in on you, and greet you with a smile.  They don't wallow in pity with you, but help lift you out of the pit.  This doesn't mean that they don't care about you, aren't willing to be with you as you struggle, or make light of your troubles.  But they are the people who walk with you through it, they don't hold you into it, and they will often help you out of it.

To quote the study, "There's something, some quality in certain people and their attitudes, that can transform any environment into a magnetic, life-giving, enjoyable place to be."  "People who seem genuine and down to earth, glad that you're there and eager to offer you their hospitality."


Pray that God will reveal these people to you, so that you can breathe fresh air into your life.

In 2 Timothy, Chapter 1, the apostle Paul reflects on Onesiphorus.  The greek word that Paul used to describe Onesiphorus literally means "to put breath back in, to recover breath".  The devotional described Onesiphorus as emotional CPR to Paul, breathing in encouragement and inspiration.

Don't we all need a little Heart to Heart Respiration?

Setting the Example

This morning, I dropped my youngest off at school and headed to the exit from the drop off area.  When you reach the stop sign there is a sign that reads "No Left Turns" and states a block of times during the drop off and pick up times.  Obviously this is there for purposes of dealing with the traffic flow and the safety for the children walking home.  The car in front of me made a left, and I scoffed (judgmentally, and I asked for forgiveness after)... "Your children probably don't follow the rules either".

And I was immediately convicted.  How many times do we have an expectation of our children that we don't apply to ourselves?  What kind of examples are we setting?

My eldest, in an attempt to be funny, sent me picture via text.

We set rules for our children, with an expectation that they will follow it... simply because they are the children and we are the parents, we are in authority.

However, every we time we speed (and trust me as the kids get older they realize you are speeding)... we tell them that rules don't apply to us, or that it is ok for us to act against authority.

When we make a left hand turn, even when the sign says not to... we tell them that it is ok to disregard rules and directions that you disagree with.

And when they catch us in a "little white lie"... we tell them that it is ok to lie in certain circumstances.

If we truly want our children to follow our rules, we must be setting a good example.

Titus 2:

1You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

6Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

9Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, 10and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive.

11For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

15These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

A Season of Change

One of the greatest things about the seasons is the change they bring with them.  Living in S. Florida, I admit to not seeing a lot of the physical changes.  We don't have massive amounts of trees blushing in fall hues.  And, to be honest, temperature wise there is a not a huge difference between Summer and the first part of Fall.  For me, there is a feeling of "relief" that springs.  Once the first day of fall arrives, I know that relief from the heat it coming soon.  I know that relief from the kids school schedules will also be coming, as the calendar pages move closer to holiday breaks.  I can feel the change in attitudes for the holidays too.  The kids get excited about Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas too.  Things seem lighter and brighter in so many ways.

We are eager for these changes.  However, life occasionally throws us a curve ball and we are faced with changes that are hard.  The ones that make a knot in the pit of our stomach, that reduce us to a sopping wet mess of tears, or burn with anger.

I think it has been about 9 days since I wrote anything here, but in those 9 days we have faced a lot of changes.  In our home and in our church.  Some have been amazing, and others have been heartbreaking.  I don't pretend to understand God's ways.  I have not been made privy to his "big picture" on certain events and people.  I wish I did.  I wish I could see the glory before the fall.  It would be so much easier to cope with changes when we can see the outlying benefits. In these times we are left to our faith, the hope and promises that God has given us through His word that everything will turn out just fine.

In my years of ministry involvement, every time I feel as if I am beginning a friendship with someone that could be my Titus 2 woman (my teacher, my mentor) the Lord moves them on.  It is hard for me to not sit at home, pouting, and be angry with God.  I want to scream out "Why do you bring these women into my life just to take them away!".  In fact, I have determined that if I ever want to keep a person like this in my life I need to stop inviting them out for lunch.  I get about 2 lunch dates in and then the Lord moves them on.  It's the jinx, lunch dates.

I realize the Lord is doing something good with them, and they will move on to a place that needs them more than I do.  In my selfishness, I can only think of myself.  I wasn't finished with that relationship yet.   When I became a Christian, I lost about 98% of my friends.  I was alone for a long time.  I grew tired of being alone.  I involved myself in so many places and things at the churches we have attended over the years, trying to fit in... trying to find those kindred spirits... trying to find friends.

It was in a recent mental rant about this scenario in my head, I was convicted.

Stop focusing on the friendships you want to have, and embrace the ones you do.

There have been people who have reached out to me for playdates and lunches and things, and I have turned them down.  I was pursuing friendships with others.  For whatever the reason I was drawn to them, and I wanted that friendship.  Deeply.  What I was neglecting was that there was someone, who was looking at me in that same light.  I have been seeking my Titus 2 woman... and not realizing that I was that woman for someone else.

I am not suggesting that I have grown spiritually to the point that I don't need a Titus 2 woman in my life, to mentor me.  That would be arrogant, and a flat out lie, if I said it.  I have a lot of growing to do.  Frankly I never want to be so confident in my spiritual life that I don't think I need to learn from anyone else.  I can't say that by becoming a Titus 2 woman, that means God will stop moving these ladies out of my life.  I do know that each of them, in the time we were together impacted me in a huge way.  They moved on because the Lord needed them somewhere else, to touch someone else as they did me.

Proverbs 11:14  
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

I am not alone.  I always have God.
I am not alone.  I have my husband and my children & our extended family.
I am  not alone.  I am surrounded by a loving church family.
I am not alone!

It's not like the real thing.

Everyone has a particular item that they would consider themselves a die hard fan to that specific brand.  It could be your laundry soap, classic coke, etc or even that you are a die hard fan of the grocery brand over the name brand.  There are a few things I actually prefer the generic over the designer brand.  This season I was trying to be more frugal with my spending and when I needed coffee on the go, I stopped at the local 7 Eleven.  It was significantly cheaper, they had regular coffee and a huge assortment of little pods of various coffee flavor additives.  Then I saw this big machine that pumped out flavored coffees, hot chocolate, lattes.  Fall had arrived and pumpkin spice coffee had filled the machine.  I must admit it was quite tasty.  It was also 1/3 of the price for the equal size I would get at Starbucks.  I was thrilled.

Today, I happened to be in desperate need of coffee.  I wasn't near home &  there was no 7 Eleven in sight.  Just across the street from me I saw it... the big green and white sign.  Starbucks was calling to me.  Considering how much money I had saved all summer long, I decided to splurge and get a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte.  Amazing.  First I was hit by the whipped cream on top, something you don't get at 7Eleven... with the sprinkle of cinnamon.  Yum.  Then as I really took in that first sip, it was like my taste buds called out "FINALLY"!  It was like getting to see your best friend after 5 years apart.  I realized that the 7 Eleven pumpkin spice coffee had nothing on Starbucks.  It truly was better, I was more satisfied, and I didn't even regret the cost because it really was THAT good.

So what does this have to do with God?  Proverbs 31?  Sometimes, when we are looking for God, what we really get is God Light, or God Express.  We seek out a quick fix, so we hit google to search for someone's answer to our problems, from a godly perspective of course.  Or, we read a book about our particular issue instead of turning to God's word, the Bible.  In these instances we are getting some of what God is trying to communicate about an issue, but it isn't the same as what is actually read in HIS WORD.

We think it is good.  It feels right.  It seems in alignment, but we don't really know.  We don't bother to cross reference it.  Then Sunday morning rolls along, and if you are like me... Pastor starts reading from a selection and before you know it, you are not even listening to the Pastor anymore.  You have kept reading, soaking in the Word, because you are getting it from it's true source.

Issues you may be struggling with, are now revealed black and white.  Your heart is touched.  And then those books and google searches don't account for much anymore.  Yet, as Sunday becomes Monday, we fall back into our hectic lives and our bible gets set aside for Podcasts, Audio Devotionals, Christian Radio, inspiring books and google searches.  In some cases, all of that gets set aside entirely and we rely on what we know (or think we know).  

These other resources are good, but they are not like the real thing.

Just like the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks being what I really wanted, no matter how I talked myself out of it... God's Word, His direct Word, is exactly what our soul longs for.  We may catch ourselves moving from book to book to book, unsatisfied because we are not getting what we want out of it.  When we get to God's Word, directly the source of truth, our souls are not only satisfied but crave more. 

Psalm 119:103
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

In Service to Others, Neglecting My Own

I have a heart for service.  I love to serve others.  I have always been this way, although my motivations have changed.  As a child it was to make others like me.  As a teen and early adult it was a mixture of reasons.  I wanted to first prove that I could do it, that I was capable.  For whatever reason, people generally underestimate me, and what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.  I believe there was still a bit of wanting people to like me involved.  I also wanted to impress people, I wanted the accolades as that was not something I got a  lot of growing up.  In fact, in most cases, my family saved those accolades until they were in a situation where they could show me off to others.  In between those rare instances these same feats got little if any attention.  I think I also had some grand illusion that I would impress just the right person and they would offer me a job doing something amazing, without me having to go to college for it.  You know, blessed by some sort of natural talent that equipped me with the knowledge of everything.   Even though my reasons were selfish, I still loved doing it. I never harbored ill feelings over "all the work" it took to serve, or time I dedicated to it.  It never bothered me if I didn't get the recognition I was seeking.  So perhaps self serving is a better description than selfish.  It really wasn't only for my own gain.

As I have matured and grown closer to the Lord, I realized that I still loved to serve and I wanted to do it for Him, and His glory.   

Col 3:23 reads:  "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men".  
1 Cor 10:31 reads: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
Eph 6:7 reads: "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men."

And it is in this scripture, that you would see as an affirmation of service... I see conviction.

I like to cook.  I love to bake.  Whenever I provide a meal to a sick person, new mom, etc. I put a lot of effort into it.  A nice basket, filled with salad, salad dressing, drink (or drink mix), fresh rolls, main course, dessert.  I put it all in disposable cookware and containers so that they don't feel the burden to return anything to me.     The dessert, whatever it may be, is always made from scratch.

If you were to open my pantry you would see boxes of prepackaged cake mixes, store bought cookies and snacks, the bread is from the bread aisle of the local grocery store.    One night my husband was talking on the phone, and munching away on some cookies.  His friend, knowing my panache for baking & that I run a small business selling sweets and treats, asked what he was eating.  When my husband replied "Chips-a-hoy" cookies, his friend was shocked.  He must have asked my husband why he was eating these manufactured cookies, because I heard my husband reply "She never makes that stuff for us".  Ouch.  In my attempt at humorous defense I recanted loudly "you don't pay me".    Truthfully, it stung.
I felt convicted about it.  Why don't I give my own family the best?  Why is that reserved for others (paying or not)?

That started a trend of including my family in any of my baking days, for customers.  If I was making something for a customer... it was easy to double the recipe and make a batch for the family.  Yet, I still got stung again when the kids asked me to bake a cake one night.  I couldn't exactly use the excuse that I didn't have the ingredients, as I always do.  I just didn't feel like baking.  I offered them up a treat in the cabinet, which satisfied their sweet tooth... but was sour in my soul.  It would have only taken a few minutes to whip together a simple cake.  It wasn't as if they were asking me to turn into Buddy from Cake Boss and build an exact replica of the state of Florida in cake form. They wanted a simple chocolate cake with frosting.

Again, conviction turned into action.  If they asked, as long as I had what I needed, they would receive. 

Today, just today, this conviction came to haunt me again.  Once again, I was willing to give my best to someone else, regardless of how it impacted my family.  We have been struggling with a huge decision (you can read about it in yesterdays post).  I want to do what is the "right" thing, but I have forgotten my own advice to others... "Just because it is the right thing, doesn't mean it is the right thing for you".   I was angry with my husband for stepping backwards in the decision, but I prayed to the Lord to change his heart or change mine.  You all know that means I was really asking for God to change his heart, but instead I awoke to a change in mine. 

First, I wasn't angry at my husband.  I wasn't defensive to his concerns about what I can and can't do.  Second, I was reminded by the Lord that my husband and I were brought together as helpmeets.  We are different for a reason, and it is when we come together in agreement that amazing things can happen.  But when we struggle, it shouldn't be about one of us winning.  Then we are off balance.  I am leading with my heart.  He is leading with his head.  If the Lord can't bring us together on this decision, then it isn't meant to be.  Third, I reminded myself that my husband really and truly has our best interest at heart.  His concerns and objections are realistic, and worthy of consideration.  It was in this final discovery that I realized that I was once again looking to go above and beyond to serve others, while neglecting the very people under my roof.  What are their concerns and opinions on this decision?  What will the effects of our decisions be for them? 

When my husband stripped away the emotional aspects of it, I was actually in total agreement with him.  It was my heart that was leading me in the other direction.  It's my heart that makes him love me.  It's my heart that makes me love him, in spite of himself.  He told me that his biggest struggle in the decision was that if he said no, I would look at him differently.  He was afraid I would be disappointed.  He was afraid it would ruin our marriage and we'd end up divorced.  I reassured him that was not the case, that even if I didn't agree with the decision it wouldn't affect us.  Then I said "I would not risk our entire family over this decision".

It was right then that I found peace.  I realized that I was already risking my family by continuing this discussion.  It was already dividing us.  It was making him afraid that his marriage was on the line if he spoke his true feelings.  He was so concerned about how I (and others) would view him.  I told him that he had my total support, either way.    I even admitted that I had a bit of relief that we may NOT have to do this. 

But I was worried about how God would view me, him (see yesterday's post).

God had blessed Abraham with a son, Isaac.  Abraham loved Issac, he was his only son... and one long awaited for.  When Issac was a boy, God spoke to Abraham.  He told Abraham to take Issac to a specific mountain and sacrifice Issac as a burnt offering.  I can't even imagine.  Even more so, I can't imagine Abraham doing this.  Could I do this with one of my children?  But he did.  Abraham brought him up there, prepped the offering and in the last minute the Lord provided a ram to be offered instead of Issac. 

Abraham was so faithful, that he was willing to do anything the Lord asked of him.  He didn't withhold his son from God. In word and in deed, Abraham demonstrated his faith and his love for God. 

My husband and I kept battling in circles because I felt God was calling us to this action, and he felt the exact opposite.  We couldn't understand why God wasn't drawing us to a mutual decision.  In our current circumstance, with this big looming decision, I was willing to do what the Lord asked of me.  Just like Abraham was willing to do what the Lord asked of him.  In the end, God didn't need Abraham to actually sacrifice his son.  I am starting to see that God doesn't necessarily need me to complete this task.  He may in fact be pleased with my willingness and my faith. 

I went back to speak with my husband about this revelation.  I told him I loved him.  I told him this was his decision.  I told him I respected his decision, supported this decision.  I won't talk about it anymore.

In the same situation, the same circumstances, God can be doing something in them and with them that seems counter productive.   I have long given up trying to understand God, and instead simply trust God.  Even with my husband and I on totally different planes of thought, God's plan is perfect and will come to fruition.

Of course I submit to my husband, as long as he agrees with me.

Biblical submission, it's a hard concept to swallow for many.  Myself included.

Today, my husband caught me off guard and basically put his foot down about a major decision I thought we had already made.  First, I think I was caught off guard because I was under the assumption based on steps we were taken that we HAD made the decision.  I didn't realize it was still being considered.  Second, I was shocked at his reasons.   They appeared so selfish, and frankly he even admitted they were selfish reasons.  Selfishness was never something I would say applied to my husband.

I began to voice my objections.  It was growing more and more obvious that we were sitting on 2 sides of the fence on this subject.  Me, typically optimistic.  Him, typically pessimistic.  Me, confident in my ability, my family's ability, and confident that God was calling us to this decision and would bless it.  My husband not confident in his ability, concerned for our family and not as confident that God was calling us to this decision.  In fact, he really leaned more to the side of "just because it is the right thing, doesn't mean God wants US to do it".

I was slightly broken hearted by this.  Again, going back to his admitted selfishness, because this was something I never expected from him.  Not to mention his voiced concerns about how I would see him from now on.  He was actually concerned about how my opinion of him would change.  Later, as this was no short conversation, he told me "You are a good woman, more than I deserve".

It's hard for me to submit to my husband's authority.  Especially when I feel deep in my heart that this is the right thing.  I even pulled a card from our Pastor and said to my husband... "I don't want to be accountable to God for not doing what he called me to".  I admit it, I hoped that would spark a change in his opinion.  But also, I love my husband.  I don't want him to be accountable for this to God either.

I'll be honest, I am still not assured that my husband is right.  But I told him that I would submit to his decision on this.  It's hard because I see the Lord's affirmation left and right.  If I described it to you, you would probably get goosebumps.  I did, still do.

Ultimately though this decision does lay with my husband, regardless of my feelings and opinions.  This type of thing has happened before (although not on such an emotional decision) and his decision was right.  I know that my husband loves me, loves our family and any decision he makes is for our best interest (in his opinion).  Which leads me to ask... is he really being selfish?  Perhaps a little.  But mostly he is looking out for our family, and our relationship as a couple... and he is looking out for me.  He knows me well enough to know that I think I can save the world, even if it means sacrificing myself at times (well my sanity any way).

I want to throw a temper tantrum.  I want to tell him that he is wrong.  I want to tell him that he is going to let God down.  I want to tell him that he is going to let specific people down.  I want to tell him that he isn't setting a good example.  I want to tell him a lot of things.

Exodus 14:14 (ESV)

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

This argument or disagreement is no longer between my husband & I.  I have shared my opinions and beliefs, I can talk until I am blue in the face but it won't change his mind.  I need to allow God to work on him, or on me.  Perhaps this isn't what God wants, perhaps I am looking for affirmation and making it "fit" to better my stance on the decision.  Either way Proverbs tells us a few times that it's better for a man to be alone than to have a nagging and quarrelsome wife.  I would rather be with my husband, thank you very much.  This decision isn't worth destroying my marriage or jeopardizing my family over (if my husband is correct in his beliefs).

I could say a lot of things, but I choose to be silent.  He knows what I am thinking, he knows my decision.  It's now between him & God, I just need to be silent.  And I will.

Proverbs 21:2 (NIV)

"A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart."

In this case, one of us is right.  I have to trust that God will reveal that to us.  If I continue to press my decision, my will upon him, it will create more strife.

Proverbs 21:23 (NIV)

"Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity."

The Lord must lead us now.  I have confidence in my husband that he will make the right decision.  I have confidence that God will honor my obedience.   

UPDATE:  I learned a huge lesson in obedience here.  Being obedient to God.  I am going to be writing a follow up to this in the near future, and when I do, I'll link it here.