Have you ever been in that position where you husband calls you up to announce someone is coming over for dinner that night, or even the next day for a visit. You go into a panic because the house is a disaster. You get angry that he would be so inconsiderate. We instantly put blame on him, but we have to ask ourselves why this is a problem. If I am a stay at home mom, the house should be clean for company anyway. Right?
If you are rolling your eyes at me, please note that I am speaking from a place of experience. I have before and even to this day been guilty of this scenario. Right now, if someone where to show up at my door unexpectedly... I would probably pass out. In fact, my husband got out of bed and began cleaning up the house a bit today. My first thought (and question to him) was "who is coming over and when?".
If this is our job, why are we not doing it?
I think there are a ton of possible answers. Perhaps the vacuum is broken, and you can't afford the repair or you are waiting for the part to arrive. Maybe you are exhausted from your kids busy schedule and just haven't gotten to it yet. Or perhaps, you have moments like me. Where you turn to your husband and say something like "I have been picking up this house and cleaning up after you and the kids for thirteen years. I do not get sick days. I do not get vacation days. There is no one to pick up the slack when I am behind. Sometimes I just want a day to DO NOTHING."
What really occurred in that statement, each and every time I say it, is a lot of truth and a lot of excuse. I am admitted to the fact I shirked my responsibilities. I am honest about my feelings. But I am also setting up a scenario that will basically earn me a pass for not doing my job.
Imagine if my husband walked into work one day, sat down at his desk, laid his head down and took a nap. His boss walks in and confronts him. What do you think would happen if my husband said... "I have worked my butt off for this company for 15 years. I have worked as much as 12 days in a row with only a single day off, only to do another 12 again ... FOR MONTHS. I have arrived home three hours late every night for the last month due to mandatory over time. Sometimes I just want a day to DO NOTHING."
He would be fired.
I should be fired.
If I can't get a day off to do nothing, it is because I didn't plan for it. I could make sure I get all my chores done before Saturday rolls around. I could budget for lunch and dinner as take out, so I don't have to cook. I could buy paper plates and cups, so that I don't have to do dishes.
Truth is, this is our job. We need to do it. We need to do it effectively. We need to not shirk our responsibilities. We need to not make excuses. We chose this role in our life. I could go back to work, and send the kids to after school programs, hire a nanny or housekeeper. I chose to stay home. I chose to care for it. If someone shows up unexpectedly or I wasn't given enough notice by my husband... this isn't HIS problem. It's mine. Because I allowed myself to fall behind.
Perhaps I have too much on my plate. If my house is falling apart, because my schedule is too full doing for others. I need to cut back. My family comes first. If something needs to be repaired or replaced & we don't have the funds for it, I should see if I can borrow one from someone. That isn't an excuse to do nothing. Would you NOT do your dishes because your dishwasher broke?
I also need to remind myself daily to change my heart. Yes, my husband does get days off. But he works hard. Really hard. Today I went for a 20 minute run at 9:30am. I was DYING when I got home. It was hot and humid, 80 degrees outside. Yet my husband works in this (outside) every day, for 8-10 hours... on days that the temps reach the high 90s and the humidity makes it feel like it is over 100 degrees. Yes, he deserves a day off.
I also have to change my heart about him forgetting to do those little things I ask of him. Why? Because to me, my RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND is more important than a to do list. If he forgets to take out the trash each night, I can get angry and resent that. It builds. The as he forgets to do something else, I add it to the list. Which ends up in an argument where I tell him he never does anything I ask, bullet pointing out each and every failure, and usually in defense he will remind me of how imperfect I am. This boils up to an argument that results in hurt feelings, broken relationship, and rarely is solved.
At one point, I decided I'd rather take the trash out than be mad at my husband.
Too many marriages have ended in divorce over little petty things like taking out the trash, leaving the cap off the toothpaste and laundry outside of the hamper. Too many marriages have ended because of what a person did and didn't do vs. WHO they were and HOW they loved.
Over the years I have learned that my husband shows his love to me by buying me little things that he thinks shows that he pays attention to me. For example, when I took up running. He bought me a water bottle. When he stops at a convenience store on the way home, he'll pick me up my favorite drink. They are not diamonds and furs. But, to him, they say... I know you, I love you and I remember these things about you. To me, that is worth more than gemstones.
I am ok with "gender roles". I am ok with something being more male or more female in nature. I am also ok with breaking those roles. I LOVE cars, for example. I can spend hours at a car show without batting an eye. Each relationship has to come up with the terms of that partnership. Who is going to do what. What are the expectations of each person.
Have you ever asked your husband... "what are your expectations of me as your wife..." or "now that I am a stay at home mom, what are your expectations... what is important to you?". In return, let them know what is important to you, what your expectations are.
I haven't. I plan to. You may even find that you are wasting your time doing things around the house he could care less about. It could be the things that are the most important to him, are the ones that are the easiest to do. You will only know if you ask. and, what your husband expects of you... will NOT mirror what your friend's husband expects of her.
It's all about how you are going to look at your life.
Is staying home to raise your children a chore, or a gift?
Is having a nice home an inconvenience or a blessing?
Is your relationship with your husband important, or does your "honey-do list" trump it?
And, more importantly, look at your behaviors, your attitudes, your choices, and your excuses....
and ask yourself... what would GOD think about this?
You want a bigger home with more storage? Will God bless you with that, when you are not taking care of the one he gave you now?
Do you want more children? Will God bless you with that, when you are neglecting or unable to manage the ones you have now?
If you can not be content with what God has given you, if you cannot be responsible and good stewards with his gifts and blessings... why would he give you more?
Domestic Partnership breaks down when there is a lack of contentment. You want more. You want better. You want change. But in a relationship, it's not all about what YOU want.
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