Becoming Proverbs 31 Woman, Christmas Style

 

 It has been an interesting week leading up to Christmas, and the recovery days that would follow.  I decided to use the scripture & detail out what happened this holiday, you'll see my notations within the scripture in red.  It may not be in chronological order, but you'll get the over all gist of the holidays in our home.

^10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.

Apparently this year, my value lied in a new laptop to replace my ridiculously slow computer that would randomly decide if it wanted to start up that moment or not.  You can't blame my IT hubby for this, or that I wasn't priority.  It was simply that I was unwilling to change & loved Windows XP (yes, you read that correctly).  The new laptop landed me in a time warp all the way to Windows 8.  I actually have had to relearn to use a computer, to a certain extent, because it is so vastly different than XP. 
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.

It would be about 10 days before Christmas and my husband would turn to me and say "do you think we could get the guest bathroom painted before the family comes over for Christmas.  You see, we were hosting this year.  Of course.  I showed him the ideas that I had running through my head for the bathroom & he was all for it.  He trusted me to do the work and make the purchases while he was busy at work.  He had full confidence that I would get it all done, and done well.  I even got to see a post from him on Facebook... praising the good job I had done. 
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

It mas not have been all the days of my life, or even all the days of our marriage... but there was something about the motivation this year that had been different than previous years.  I didn't do everything on my list to bring praise to myself, but rather to my husband.   I wanted his friends to think "Justin has a great wife".  I wanted my family to see that I really loved, respected, cared and adored him.  That all I did was to be a reflection on him, and not for my own pats on the back.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.

It was more like liquid nails, glass tiles and grout in the bathroom, grout cleaner and bleach for the rest of the house, and a plethora of Christmas decorations to prepare the house for our visitors. 
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.

Oh, the food I made.  I have always enjoyed entertaining.  I have worked hard to select times and reasons to not attempt anything I found intimidating.  This year, I had no choice.  I had to make a whole turkey and I had to do it on my own.  (Despite my best efforts to get my mom to spend the night on Christmas Eve.) It was successful, I'll post the recipe at the end of the post. 
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.

I was most definitely up late working and up early the next day beginning my tasks again.  On Christmas day my middle child woke me up at 5:30am!  I should say attempted, as I sent her back to bed.  I had been exhausted from painting and decorating the bathroom, cleaning the grout in the house, shopping for gifts, attending functions and that was not even including my actual business that I had to attend to.  There was plenty of food to go around, I could have fed an army.  I wanted everyone who came to the house to feel satisfied and content, full and able to bring left overs home.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about the future of my business.  Where it should go, how I should get there.  I am at the next stage in my business, which takes a financial jump... am I ready to make it?  Is now the time?  Do I sit where I am at, content with what I have, for now?
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.

Thanks to my personal trainer Katie, my arms are strong for my tasks. But, each morning they would wake up feeling like wet noodles from all of the work I had been doing.  By Christmas morning I had no grip strength left in my hands to open the jars of pickles and olives for the traditional relish tray. 
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.

I think that this year my trading has been profitable.  I was under budget in Christmas shopping.  I saved a lot of money doing the bathroom renovations myself and making wise choices on how and where I spent it.  I made what little we had go far.  Sometimes profit is not found in the money we made, but the money we save.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

For whatever reason, this makes me think of the turkey.  Trying to figure out how to get it's legs out of the plastic holders without wrecking it, as the instructions said to put them back in the holders after I stuffed the turkey.  Grasping the skewer used to truss the neck flap.  Fun fun fun.  Julie Childs, I am not.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.

With all the food planned, I had opened my home to a few folks that I wasn't sure had plans for Christmas dinner.  And we made some plans to continue that through the coming year.  Sometimes we need to remember that the "poor" and the "needy" are not just people who are homeless or struggling financially.  It can be the poor in spirit, the emotionally needy (in a good not toxic way).  Sometimes they need to know that someone is thinking about them, cares for them and is wanting to include them when they may be feeling alone and unhappy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

It may not be snowing here, but knowing that our eldest was going to be heading to North Carolina for the youth trip, I wanted her to be better prepared than last time.  Never let a native Floridian, who has never seen snow, be in charge of shopping for proper snow attire.  I did much better this year.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

I wore a dress.  Yes, for those who know me in real life, you read that correctly too.  I actually wore a dress for my husband.  He has been asking me to.  He has been hinting that it would be nice as I continue to lose weight to see me in sun dresses and such things.  So I shopped for dresses to wear to a holiday party.  I didn't tell him, it was a surprise.  The funny thing was, on Christmas day, before the family arrived.... my husband went back to change from his PJ's worn all day.  He came out in dress pants, a dress shirt and a tie!  Just as I don't wear dresses much, he doesn't get dressed up much either.  I did something special for him, and he did something special for me.  This is wearing even the attempt at being a Proverbs 31 woman pays off.  As we change, grow and evolve... as we do for them.... the more they change, grow and evolve & do for us in kind.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

I worked hard this holiday to prepare my home for my husband and family, to be a better wife and mother.  I know that my husband appreciated it and I  know (based on comments made) that my family sees my husband in a different light because of how I see him.  We have a young couple as neighbors, who have a baby.  Since the baby was born, the mother's mom has been around a lot.  It is very evident that she does not like the father... at all.  She has spoken to us just a few times, and everything she says about him is negative and hurtful.  I am grateful that my mom loves my husband, as a son (and she told me this weekend as a friend).
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.

My business has taken a slower turn this holiday (thanks to Pinterest and the growing numbers of do-it-yourselfers).  I am learning over time that money made is not the only way to help the family, to be profitable.  It also comes with being wise in your spending, looking around your home and eliminating your excess & selling that off to add money to your account vs. stuff to your storage cabinets.  It also includes being charitable with your money.  You can't add money to a closed fist.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.

As I begin to let go of the stressors, the things that I have allowed to weigh me down, the more I pursue being a Proverbs 31 woman... the more I realize that the troubles that come up in life are nothing more than a circumstance that passes with the wind... the less I worry.  I know that God has this in control.  I know there are better things to come.  I know that if this is the worst I have to contend with... I am blessed beyond measure.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

I am working hard on my relationship with my eldest teen.  Speaking to her more frankly.  Not allowing my emotions to get the better of me, to allow myself to take her attitude too personally.  Instead when we are out of the moment, I speak to her about the choices she is making without allowing things to get out of hand.  I am finding more peace with her & in our home.  I am hoping to bring my husband along for the ride.  Despite her teenage angst and attitude, we have an amazing daughter.  Who is just like her mother as a teen.... trying to get away with as much as she can, while she can.  Adulthood and responsibilities come too quickly. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

About a year and a half ago, I had decided to start this guest bathroom project.  I had been acquiring things for the bathroom decorating, trying out paint colors, etc.  At some point I just gave up on the process.  I don't know if it was doubt in myself, a feeling that we could never afford to make it look like I wanted, the notion that the work was pointless because of my messy kids, or perhaps a combination of all of the above.  The motivation was gone. I didn't care.  In my pursuit of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, that has changed.  I believe because it was less about impressing others and more about letting my husband know that I appreciate the home he works so hard for.  When things become less about you, and more about other people.... not only does motivation change, but it changes drastically.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:

My eldest daughter had spent the weekend with my mother, while I was working on the bathroom.  When she came home she complimented me on it.  Occasionally I get to see these moments where she shows appreciation and praises me.  There are moments when I realize she isn't as "tough" as she tries to put off.  Perhaps one day soon, I will actually hear her say "I love you too" as she gets out of the van at school drop off.
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”

I would hardly say that I surpass them all... or even half of them.  I know there are women who are better at a lot of things than I am.... including their service and dedication to their homes, family and God.  But I am trying.  I am still running the race.
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Charm is deceptive.  Beauty is definitely fleeting (those gray hairs keep showing up).  I am working on my relationship with God.  That is what counts.  As that relationship improves.... everything around it improves.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I'd much rather serve as an inspiration to others... Proverbs 31 Women can exist in the modern world, we can affect our households, we can change the lives we touch and we can influence the world we live in.  One change, one step, one verse at a time.

Gena's Turkey Recipe:

14 lb turkey

1 vidalia onion (quartered)

1 whole elephant garlic head  (separated and peeled, take 2 largest cloves and halve them)

1 honey crisp apple (quartered, then halve 2 of those quarters)

1 lemon (quartered)

1 stick of butter (cut along tablespoon marks on package)

3 cups of water

10 springs of fresh sage

10 springs of fresh rosemary

10 springs of fresh parsley

10 fresh basil leaves

handful of freshly trimmed thyme

herb salt

pepper

olive oil

skewer 

aluminum foil

Remove bag & neck.  Wash down turkey, pat dry & set in roasting pan.  Slide hand between skin and muscle on the breast.  Slide pats of butter between skin and muscle.  You'll use most of it here.  Then toss a few into the body cavity and one or two into the neck cavity.  Insert 3 onion quarters, 2 apple quarters, garlic cloves (minus 1 and the halved cloves), 3 lemon quarters, and 5 of each herbal sprigs and 1/2 handful of thyme into the body cavity, truss the legs.  Into the neck cavity put 1 quarter onion, 1 garlic clove and 1 lemon quarter and skewer it closed.  Tuck the wing tips under the body.  Use your 4 pieces of garlic clove and remaining apple pieces and tuck one of each between the legs and the body (in the crease) and the same in the wings area.  Drizzle olive oil on the breast and rub in, carrying it to the legs.  Sprinkle with herb salt and pepper.  Pour 3 cups of water into your roasting pan, put the rest of the herbs in the water (including the 10 basil leaves).

Preheat oven NOW to 425.

Allow the turkey to sit until oven is heated.  Then place turkey on bottom rack.  Roast until the turkey turns golden color to your preference.  If you notice your wings won't stay tucked, just add some foil to the tips so that they don't burn.  

Once you are happy with the color of the turkey, cover the legs and breast with foil, then tent the whole pan with foil.  Turn down oven to 350 and cook for the remaining recommended time (20 minutes per pound, minus the amount of time you roasted it for).

Take the turkey out, check if the thermometer popped out.. or use your own.  If done, cover tightly with foil, until ready to serve.  Allow at least 20 minutes of resting time before serving.

This turkey will literally fall off the bone.

Bon Apetit!

Reasons & Excuses

One of the most difficult lessons that I am attempting to teach my children is the difference between reasons and excuses.  Reasons are an explanation of why you did or didn't do something or behaved in a certain manner (good or bad).  Reasons are nothing more than an explanation.  You are not trying to get away with it, you are not saying you were right or wrong.  It is a simple explanation of the situation at hand and our response to it. Excuses are an attempt to not be held accountable for our actions, inaction or behavior.  It is an active attempt to get away with something, to not have to pay a consequence.

In our home, I am always willing to listen to reasons.  I actually do want to know what they [kids or spouse] were thinking, or why they behaved that way.  By understanding  reasons for what they did, I can determine the appropriate consequence, if there is one.  I can also help problem solve better ways to have handled the situation.  In response to correct behaviors or actions, I can praise accordingly the act itself and the thought process that led to it.  Which, in my opinion, is sometimes even more important to recognize than the act or behavior in and of itself.

I will not listen to excuses.  Excuses tell me that 1) they knew they were in the wrong and 2) they are trying to weasel out of the consequences.  When my kids, particularly, start in with excuses to defend themselves or deflect accountability... I shut them down.  I stop them in their tracks, I won't allow them to continue.  I send them off to think about the circumstance and when they are ready to give me a reason, I'll gladly hear them out.

You can tell the difference between reasons and excuses by their tone and body banner.  Reasons are usually in a more humbling, seeking forgiveness tone and their posture and body language is generally pretty calm, there may be a few tears or even sobbing depending on the offense.  Excuses are usually accompanied by a very offensive posture, loud voice, argumentative tone and words, dramatic crying, begging and whining too.  They may be more "in your face" and combative, versus humbled and contrite.

I do extend grace to my children about this lesson, I know it isn't easy to learn.  I am still learning it myself.  I didn't really understand the difference either, not until adulthood.  The CEO of a company once explained it to me, and it was like a light went off in my head.  As an adult it was pretty easy to grasp the concept of the difference, a lot harder to put it into action.  Which is why I wanted to teach my children about this at an earlier age.  It's turning out to be more difficult that I expected.

At first I thought it was simply because I wasn't explaining it well enough, or perhaps I wasn't consistent with my response their attempts at excuses.  As time has passed, I begin to wonder if they are even capable at this age of understanding the difference.  And even more so, do they comprehend the importance of understanding the difference.

Despite the failures, this is a lesson I won't give up on.  The impact it has on their future as an adult, for being accountable for their decisions... it's worth every argument.  It is worth every attempt to explain it again, in a new way.  It makes every failed attempt a step toward getting them to figure it out.  And, it sets them up for far more success in life.  When you fully grasp the concept of accountability... you have a much stronger hold on responsibility and gain more credibility.

Loss of Motivation & the Swining Pendulum.

It wouldn't come as a surprise to many that I have quite a few OCD tendencies.  I have never been formally diagnosed, but we do have family members who are.  Some could argue, that I am simply difficult or a control freak.  Others, would respond that it is pretty obvious.  My husband would probably disagree, entirely.

The face of OCD you see on tv or in movies is that person who washes their hands constantly out of a fear of germs.  Or, perhaps it is the person who has routines and rituals where they must lock and relock the deadbolt 10 times to ensure it really is locked.  If they miss just one time, they will have to start over.  Others may view OCD as the person who is the ultimate perfectionist.  Their pantries are alphabetized and all labels face out.  Everything in their home is labeled, nothing out of place.  In all of these instances, they are under a great amount of stress and anxiety when things are not done according to their need/desire.

That is the most stereotypical face of OCD.

Then you watch a show, like Hoarders.  In this show you have people who live in the absolute worst conditions.  In some cases it is simply the over accumulation of what we think of as "stuff", to the point it has overtaken their living space.  In others, we see where the accumulation of all this "stuff" has created damage to the home, or prevented maintenance to the home when damage has occurred (flood, fire, etc).  Finally, there are the worst conditions.  These are the people who literally find themselves sitting in a home that is so damaged, so disgusting it is condemnable.  They literally live in trash, human and animal waste and Lord knows what else.

The premise of the show is that the homes need to be cleaned up and the people need to get help. They bring in a special cleaning crew, they bring in some sort of therapist.  And they work through the mess in the home and the mess in the person's head.  What is fascinating to many is that often the diagnosis the therapists will apply to many of these cases is OCD.  This is a stark contrast to what TV shows and movies illustrate OCD.  It is contrary to what many would consider OCD.

One of the interesting things about OCD is the pendulum that these people live with, and I can even say would apply to myself.  For a person with OCD there is no "middle ground".  They want it their way, or they don't want it at all.

A person with OCD might buy a new car.  They will care for that car, love that car, keep it spotless.  Until it happens.  Until someone spills something in their car that stains.  Until a button catches the upholstery on the seats and creates a rip.  Until someone scratches the paint.  Suddenly their perfect item has become flawed.  An immediate disconnect occurs.  They no longer care to spend so much effort caring for it, because they can never make it perfect again.  (It may only be a perception that it can't be repaired, or it could be that is repairable but they simply don't have the money to make the repair).

A person with OCD might buy a new home.  They will take time making sure everything they need has it's perfect "home" and take very good care of their belongings.  But then a spouse moves in, children are born, pets are adopted and all of these uncontrollable outside factors live to a different standard or create more mess than can be kept up on, and all the additional stuff just can't be housed.  Or, at least not the way they want it to.  Or perhaps there is no budget for new furniture and storage solutions.  Then the pendulum swings and they give up.  Why bother cleaning, why bother seeking perfection... when it isn't going to be right anyway.

It is a my way or the highway mentality.  The pendulum swings from motivated to have everything just so, all the way to the other side of not even wanting to bother.

The motivation is lost.

This is a problem we all can and do face regularly.  Maybe not so much that you are going to find yourself staring in an episode of Hoarders.  But, I would say we all have a moment where we were working towards a goal & we lost our steam.  Something tripped us up, something got in the way, something discouraged us from continuing.  The motivation was lost.  The pendulum has swung.  We want to throw our hands up in the air in defeat.  We want to toss all the materials in the trash and abandoned our project.  We give up.

When the pendulum has swung to the other side, we have two options.  The first is we can choose to camp down there.  Toss in the towel, accept our defeat.  Usually this will equate in us feeling pretty lousy about ourselves, questioning our ability to be successful at whatever task was at hand not only now but in the future as well.  It can create depression, affect our relationships with others, and in extreme circumstance affect our lives in very dramatic and potentially dangerous ways (albeit that is rare).

The other choice, is to find the motivation again.  You may not be able to rekindle that same exact desire, but you might be able to find a new reason, a new motivation.  Perhaps you wanted your home to be perfect, like a model home.  That was your motivation.  You wanted it to be beautiful for whenever you had company over, you wanted to feel like your home was your castle or sanctuary.  The kids came along and now your sanctuary is covered in toys, stray socks and cheerios.  You have lost the motivation to create a sanctuary.  So you gave up.  You are not going to be able to bring yourself back to that same level of motivation.  Practicality tells us that our homes are going to be a bit disheveled from having not just kids, but anyone other than ourselves living with us.

To find new motivation, we first have to STOP that pendulum swing.  We have to tell ourselves we are not going to allow that to happen.  Sit down, look at our situation and actually create a new motivation.  Using the above "sanctuary" example, you may decide that your home is just not going to be a sanctuary during these next few years.  At least not for you.  Ask yourself, "how can I make this a sanctuary for my children?  A place they want to live and a place where they will interact with the family".  When you start asking yourself questions like this, you begin to disassociate yourself with your negative feelings and create new feelings of hope.

You will begin thinking, planning and focusing on this new goal.  The more you ask and plan, the more your motivation will begin to kick back in.  And, as you begin to take steps toward achieving these new goals, your motivation will increase as well.

I had wanted to replant an herb garden since my first one was killed off by the neighborhood cats.  Planting cat nip was probably not my best idea.  We became the neighborhood stoner house for all the outdoor and stray cats.  It was ridiculous and I regret that I don't have the pictures to show how bad it really was. The problem I faced was that our budget had changed, and I couldn't afford to go down to the local home improvement store and and buy everything I needed.  So I didn't do it.  That is the "all or nothing" pendulum of OCD I swing on often.  Fact was, if I wanted an herb garden... it was going to be a LONG time before I'd have the budget to do it this way.

One day, I was at the grocery and I needed some mint.  To get fresh mint in that little blister pack was $3.79.  Or, they had a potted mint plant for $3.59.  It had probably 5 times as much mint.  I bought it for the value, figuring it would sit on my counter.   The next time I went to the grocery, they had beautiful basil plants.  Again, I figured I would get one for the counter.  What would end up happening is over the next several grocery trips, I would buy one or two herb plants.  It was in the midst of this I saw a pin on Pinterest about using crates as above ground planters.   My mom had some she was getting rid of, so I called her and picked them up.  Next thing I knew I had 5 crates along the front of the house.  Over time I built up the soil, planted the herbs I had bought.  I had a LOT of room for more herbs.  So, I continued buying just one or two at the grocery, or local Home Depot and Lowe's nurseries if I happened to be there.

I didn't wait until I could afford to do it all at once.  If I waited, it would have happened but not for several years.  Instead I did what I could, as I could.  Now I have an amazing herb garden, producing more than enough for my culinary needs and I am sharing with the whole neighborhood.

It was those little steps, getting one here and there, that built my motivation back up.  Now, my herb garden isn't quite a "beautiful" as the one I pictured in my head.  But, I am ok with that.  There is going to come a point that I will begin to work on the structural part of the garden.  In the meantime, I will keep getting all the plants I want.  When I do begin the structural work, I only have to budget for that.  I will have all the plants already and simply transfer them from the crates into their new home.  Any empty spots will be filled over time.  I am ok with that.

If you have something in your life that you have lost motivation about doing, from cleaning your home to writing the great American novel.... perhaps it is time to change it up.  Find a new reason and motivation to keep your home clean (like a weekly book club that meets at your home) or start working on a book of poems.  Reigniting your motivation doesn't mean it is going to look exactly the same.  Once the fire starts though, it is hard to quench it.  Especially when your motivation is based in more realistic expectations than a dream vision.  Sure, you may want your house to look like a show pieces published in a magazine; but you may find happiness in making it warm and inviting for the people you invite over.

And, worst case scenario... if your home is getting the best of you, watch a marathon of Hoarders on Netflix.  Trust me, you'll either start cleaning up... or stop being so hard on yourself.

Mt St Laundry

I think every mom, and even every Proverbs 31 Woman has that one chore she just hates to do.  Mine is laundry.  I have no aversion to the actual act of it.  Dirty clothes don't bother me, having 3 kids I have seen the worst and survived.  I don't mind the process of loading and unloading the washer, only to load and unload the dryer, and then fold or hang up all the clothing.  I don't mind sorting.  I don't have any issue attempting to find the best value for my laundry soap or fabric softener, and I also don't mind paying good money for the good stuff if it really does what it is supposed to.  It's just one thing that ruins laundry for me.  It is never done.

Never.

Unless you are a full time or part time nudist, laundry is always there.  When the kids were little, I thought that it would get easier.  In my naivety, I thought as they got older they would get cleaner.  But then you hit the toddler and preK years, and you find out that they get messier.  Instead of diaper blow outs, spit up and the occasional baby food explosion; I would find myself elbow deep in finger paints, chocolate frosting, throw up and grass stains.  Then my kids would move on to school ages, where I would now be introduced to art class, spilled chocolate milk in the cafeteria, using markers to draw on their paints, and the occasional trip into a mud puddle.  This doesn't even include having the kids change out of their school clothes to try and preserve them, and having play clothes added into the pile. 

I also forgot that they actually would grow.  Socks would get bigger, onesies would become pants and tshirts, then over time the pile grows.  Tie in that over the years my husband went from wearing regular work clothes to uniforms that he would change out of once home, and the pile grew larger.

Baby blankets and crib sheets evolved into bed sheets and queen sized comforters.
Illnesses and potty training would require multiple sets of both.
Baby towels and washcloths would grow into full size bath towels, and pool and beach days would add to the pile.

What was once a few small loads would grow into what I not so fondly call Mt. St. Laundry.  I will count myself as lucky if I can just reach the peak.

And then it happens...

You have an amazingly productive day.  You reach the other side.  It's the last load, you have it folded and put away.  And you find it.

The sock under the couch.
The underwear that was behind the bathroom door.
The pajamas lost in the bed sheets.

You grab that stray item, toss it into your basket.  You feel somewhat defeated.  But it's just that one or two pieces of clothing.

But the front door opens and your children are home and changing.  Your husband arrives a few hours later, and now you have a full load.  Mt. St. Laundry is building back up.  You could pick up the load, reclaim your victory... and then you wonder, "what about tomorrow".  That basket will just fill up again tomorrow.  You make the decision to catch up tomorrow.

And before you know it, the laundry room overfloweth. 

On that note, the buzzer is going off, I have to move the final load.

For today.

But not forever.

And that is why I hate laundry.

It is the little things.

I remember years ago attending an event for Christian business owners.  One of the things that stood out was that generally speaking when a company overly advertises that they are a Christian company, people tend to be weary of them.  It is almost as if they are trying to sell you on their being a Christian, and thus trust worthy.

That has always stuck in the back of my mind, as a business owner today and a patron.

Today I was sitting in the waiting area of a local shop, getting my oil changed.  I have a tendency, when waiting, to look around rooms and sort of sum up my surroundings.  In which I saw a pretty dingy shop, it's obviously not had a woman as an employee for quite some time.  It was very basic, some signage about services and prices, advertisements for some of their products, etc.   As I looked toward the back corner, something caught my eye.

A small 8x11 simple black frame, similar to the ones you can pick up in any dollar store.  It wasn't located in a prominent area, there was nothing flashy about it.  Inside the frame was a floral paper with the following printed on it....

Love is patient, 
love is kind. 
It does not envy, 
it does not boast, 
it is not proud.  
 It does not dishonor others, 
it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, 
it keeps no record of wrongs.  
Love does not delight in evil 
but rejoices with the truth. 
 It always protects, 
always trusts, 
always hopes, 
always perseveres.
Love never fails.

This is found in First Corinthians Thirteen

Here in a shop, full of men, well over due for a good cleaning... there were no men's magazines with women half dressed, no fishing and sports magazines... just a few magazines about local happenings and scripture.

It may not be the cleanest shop.

But they were friendly, courteous and respectful.

This bit of scripture was just the icing on the cake.

I will certainly go back.

Proverbs 31 - Keeper of the Home... I earned and F.

It's been a whirlwind of a year.  Things haven't gone exactly as I have planned.  I have had my emotional ups and downs.  I over committed and over stressed myself.  I made some changes, putting things back in balance.  Then I looked at my home and thought, I am a failure.  In all of this I had let the house get a bit out of control.  You won't be seeing me on an episode of Hoarders any time soon, so don't worry about that.  However, I could use a dose of "Hoarders" marathons to get me off my kiester and do what I know I need to get done.

I was motivated, at one point.  I gave myself two weeks.  I would focus on a room per day and viola by the end it would all be caught up and done.  I even had a pretty decent start.  Knocked out both bathrooms in one day (even using a toothbrush along the baseboards).  I started in on the kitchen... and then it happened.  I wasn't feeling too well.

By the next day I had come down with what I think has been the worst cold I have had in about 4 or 5 years.  In most cases, as a mom, when I get sick I just trudge through it.  Going about my day, doing all the things I would normally do.  My husband, when he gets sick, sleeps for 2 days and viola he is totally well.  I decided to adopt this strategy this time.  Perhaps in the past the reason I was sick for so much longer was that I didn't rest, relax and try to allow my body to fight the illness.  I would spend the next THREE days in bed.  Doing nothing but sleeping.

The end result?  I was still sick.

It is now about 2 weeks, nearing 3 and I am somewhat feeling better.  I guess my body is not built like my husbands.  Rest and relaxation had no benefit on me.  And in fact, all it has done is put me even further behind.

If I was being graded in my home keeping skill right now, I know I have earned and F.

When my kids do not do well in school, my first question to them is usually, "Why?".  I want to know the reason they didn't do well.  Was it lack of effort?  A lack of understanding the material or expectations?  Circumstances beyond their control?  Then, once I have that information, the next questions are usually about the details, followed up with a final question about how they (or we) are going to address it. Finally, we will usually wrap up the conversation with a deadline to get their grades up, and whatever consequences may be applied until they get the grades back up (or in the event they don't).

When I "fail" at my tasks, do I apply these same questions to myself?  Do I set a good example for my kids about real life consequences?  Sure, in this instance I was (and still am) sick.   But that is still an excuse (good, bad or indifferent).  What am I going to do about it?  What are my consequences until I get it done?

I remember having a conversation with a friend about how we often hold our children up to standards we don't meet.  Have you ever gotten on your child's case about their room being a mess, when you room is a disaster area?  We can create excuses about why.  We have an entire house to clean not just 1 bedroom, and if we didn't have to clean everything else keeping our bedroom clean wouldn't be a problem... right?  Or, we have so much on our schedule... sports practices, bible studies, meetings, lunch dates, etc... that we just don't have the time to get to everything, so we prioritize and our bedroom is on the bottom of that list.

If you told your child that they needed to do a better job cleaning their room, and they told you they had too much stuff to keep it clean... what would you tell them?

Probably that if they have too much stuff, then they need to get rid of things to make it more manageable.

If you told your child that they needed to do a better job cleaning their room, and they told you that they didn't have enough time, that they had too many other things on their schedule... what would you tell them?

Probably that if they don't have enough time to keep up with their responsibilities, that they need to drop a few things from their calendars.  Perhaps gymnastics and piano lessons is simply too much for them.

Yet, we would hardly tell our selves the same things.  I know I don't.

In my mind, I always have more time than I really do.  I always think I will make it work, or get to it eventually.  Then I end up in a mad scramble because people are coming over unexpectedly, or that planned even snuck up on me faster than I expected.  Or, in some instances, my husbands frustration has gotten to the point he actually dares to say something and in my heated Irish temper I go on a mad dash to make it right,  which is really an attempt to prove him wrong.  Because, it really wasn't that bad.

I will make my excuses.  Too much on my schedule.  Not feeling well.  It's not just my stuff, it his and the kids too.  Or the favorite of most of us... "I did clean it, the kids just messed it up again".

I recall the day that I worked so hard in getting the two bathrooms cleaned, like eat off the floor clean.  Later that day our cat sat in peanut butter.  Yes, you read that correctly.  This meant that the cat was going to need a bath.  All 3 of my girls volunteered to bath the cat.  In the bathroom.  I am sure you can see where this is going.  Several hours had passed since the "Great Cat Bath of 2012".  I don't know if I had avoided that bathroom because somewhere in my subconscious I knew it was going to be destroyed, or if I really expected that my kids would return it to it's previous cleanliness after bathing the cat.

I went in there to start the bath for my youngest, and I walked into Ground Zero.  It was as if a small tsunami had come ashore.   There was water everywhere, cat hair everywhere, towels and other bathing paraphernalia a strewn across the floor.  Mayhem had occurred.  I also suddenly understood why bathing the cat was so funny.  There was a lot of laughter coming out of that bathroom.  And any mom of 3 children with such varying ages as mine knows that you don't interrupt them getting along so well.

I should have known better.

I also broke down in tears.  I felt defeated.

I now had a new excuse for why I shouldn't even bother or at least rush to getting things cleaned up.  Blame it on the cat.

My eldest came in and cleaned the bathroom up with me, God bless her.  Totally on her own, without being asked.

I knew I was being ridiculous.  I knew I was making excuses.  I knew that it was up to all of us to make a better effort.

It was time for a family meeting, a sit down.  We were going to make a plan to keep the house in better order, all the time.

I'll let you know when we finally have this meeting.  I think it's been a month.

Again, excuses.

So here it is... the point.  I can't make excuses (even if they are good and legitimate reasons).  I have to do what needs to be done & make it right.  Just as I would expect from my kids.  I have to put all unnecessary things aside, until I make it right.  Just as I would do with my kids.  I have to set the example, practice what I preach, and walk the talk.

It begins now. 

December 2nd - I wish you enough.

I read this today, on a Facebook post.  We all know that we can take these types of posts for a grain of salt, in regards to it being an actual real life event.  However, sometimes that is irrelevant to the point and sentiment that it shares.  On this beautiful Sunday, when I am basking in His mercy and grace, I simply wish you enough.  ~God Bless. :)

At an airport I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her plane's departure and standing near the door, she said to her daughter, "I love you, I wish you enough."

She said, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."

They kissed good-bye and her daughter left.

She walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "

Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Mom had done for me.  Recognizing that her days were limited, I took the time to tell her face to face how much she meant to me.

So I knew what this woman was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my funeral, " she said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?" She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

She paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them," she continued and then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

She Gets Me!

Recently I began reading a book titled "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope, which I have posted about before.  It has been one of those books that I read a little here and a little there, especially while I sit in the parent pick up line at the school waiting for my children.


In Chapter 4, I read Renee's words and I immediately thought to myself "she gets me!".  Renee writes "I wanted God to burn the pages of my old story and write what I thought would be a better story for Him to tell."  Isn't that the truth!  For those of us who have made one or more poor decisions in our past, particularly ones that carry long term consequences.  It would be so wonderful to blot those parts of our history out of the books, to start fresh with blank pages where we can only write down the best parts, or what we hope our future will bring.

Renee continued, "Instead He wanted to finish what He started, completing the work He had begun in me with a narrative that would bind up my broken heart and set this captive free."

If you are at all familiar with potted plants, you might recognize the term "root bound".  This is when a plant's roots have grown to the point that they are too big, or too many for the pot they are in.  If you leave your plant in such a way, it will eventually die.  It has no more room to grow, no more room spread out, and it will begin to almost strangle itself.  When we hold onto our past, trying to bury it below the surface we too can become "root bound".  We try to keep it all inside and hidden, instead it continues to grow within us, suffocating our joy and happiness and filling us with it's tangled roots.

When a plant is becoming "root bound", the best thing you can do for it is to take the plant out of the pot, untangle the roots and plant it in a new pot, bigger and more spacious for future growth.

Isaiah 51:3 reads "The Lord willy surely comfort and will look with compassion on all ruins; he will make deserts like Eden, wastelands like the garden of the Lord".

Just as we need to release that plant for the captivity of it's small pot, we need to allow ourselves to be set free from the captivity of our past sins.  To embrace a wider and more hopeful future.  We can stretch out our roots, breath fresh air, and take in the living waters.  We can grow into something greater than before and we can use our past to not only move us more steadfast into our future, but as a way to help others.  Perhaps our experiences when shared will keep another from taking that same road.  Or, we may find that our healed pain provides inspiration for those who are currently hurting, giving them hope that they too will overcome their past.

My grandmother had an aloe plant that was probably older than I was.  When my husband I bought our first home, I brought that aloe plant with me.  I decided to take it out of it's pot and put it into the ground.  As I lifted it out, all to easily, I saw the twisted and mangled roots.  This aloe plant was definitely root bound.  I began unwrapping the roots, ever so gently, and realized I needed to dig a bigger hole in the ground.  After widening the hole, I placed the aloe plant in the ground, patted down the soil around it, and watered it.

This little tiny single aloe plant has grown into an impressive plant, about 5 times the size it was in the pot.  It now has multiple off shoots of new growth.  It is no longer struggling, but healthy and thriving.  When it was released from the pot, it was able to become something new.

Just as we are, when we are released from the captivity of our past & allowed to heal in our present, so that we can flourish in our future.

Isaiah 49:13

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

We don't have to rewrite our past to become a new person, a better person.  We only have to make the active choice to be freed from those bonds, and allow God to finish the work He started in us.  We simply have to get out of our own way.

Biting My Tongue

 

When I was a young child, I was seated at my grandmother's organ.  She had carpet in her home, and it was very difficult for me to slide the bench back, in order to get up from the organ when I was done.  I was little, so I would just slip down between the organ and the bench.  One day, when I was sliding through the weight on the organ bench shifted and it quickly tilted forward.  It was then, due to being startled by the tilt, that I would let out a small yelp that would coincide perfectly with the momentum from the tilt pushing me face forward into the organ keys.  

I nearly bit off my own tongue.  It is one of those moments from childhood I can recall vividly.  The sound of my chin slamming into the keys, followed by the sound of my teeth slamming together.  Then came the blood.  Lots of blood.  In some ways it probably looked worse than it was, as in these injuries your blood mixes with increased saliva (body response to the injury) and it looks like there is more blood than there really is.  I remember my grandmother bringing me ice wrapped in a towel to numb the pain, stop the bleeding and soak up the blood already lost.  

Afterwards my tongue was a bit swollen, sensitive to certain foods and I admittedly didn't care for talking for a few days after the fact.   

Years later in one of my acting classes we were working on our final scenes and my character was supposed to cry at the end.  As an actress when I was committed to a scene and really understood the character, crying in response to the text in performance really wasn't that hard.  However, this was a different scenario.  I didn't pick the scene.  I didn't pick my partner.  I didn't like the part.  I just wanted to get it over with and get my grade.  I also knew that my teacher was familiar with what kind of work to expect from me, so I knew I was going to have to let the water works flow.

So, I bit my tongue.  I recalled how painful that was as a child.  I felt confident that it would result is some sort of misty teary eyed response that would be adequate enough for my teacher. I was successful.  I was also in pain.  

Biting your tongue is not an easy thing to do.  Almost everyone has that moment where you do it by accident & it hurts really bad.  To actually do it on purpose is entirely different.  Your body knows what you are planning to do, and it anticipates the pain.  I liken it to the fact that we can't tickle ourselves.  Our bodies are prepared in advance for the response to the stimuli.  When one is biting their own tongue on purpose, you have to bite harder in order to get the tears to start.  I'd like to note here, before I continue, this is not something I would advise doing nor is it a "technique" I would ever employ again.  

Figuratively, biting your tongue is even more difficult.  It could be that you have observed something you are in disagreement with and feel compelled to actually speak up about it, even though it isn't any of your business.  Possibly you are in a heated debate with another person and you just have to get in the final word, make your point or beat them into verbal submission.  And then of course there is the reason that has absolutely nothing to do with the other person at all. Rather, it is about your need to justify to yourself your own actions, behaviors or opinions that are entirely wrong, or at least partially incorrect.  

 You find yourself winding down the rabbit hole from a simple conversation to an argument or even broken relationships.  In many cases we can even see what is happening and yet do not have enough self control to stop our mouth from speaking or our fingers from typing another word.  In the end, what did we accomplish.  Nothing more than looking like a fool.

 Proverbs 17:28   Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. 

 Words have tremendous power.  Whether in speech, poem or song, written or spoken, they can create emotion and evoke action.  Yet, despite our knowledge of this, we seem to willingly let the words fly out of our mouths without concern for the consequences.  We do not think before we speak and in the world of the internet it has become even easier to says things to a person we would never say to their face.

 James 3:10  From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

 It is something I am really working hard on for my own self.  I want to tame my tongue.  I want to make sure that the things I say are positive.  I don't want to get into smear campaigns like modern day politicians.  It's not being naively optimistic, but strategically positive.  There are enough people in the world handling all of the negativity, they really don't need my help and frankly I don't want any part of it.  Not any more.  

 Titus 3:2  To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

When we make the choice to see the best in each other, the value in each other, the beauty in each other and the importance of each other... biting our tongue becomes easier.    As your care and concern for each other increases, you become more aware of your words and how they can impact others.  You begin to choose your words more carefully and you also choose your battles more carefully.

If in every potential conflict you asked yourself "will my response be harmful to our relationship?" and /or "is the issue more important to me than our relationship", you may find yourself putting aside your comments to keep the peace.  

A friend and I were recently having a Facebook discussion on the difference between being passionate about a subject or bullying people over the subject. The subject has been weighing on me a better part of today.  What is the difference, how can you tell if you are being passionate or a bully?  I have come to rest upon the following...

Passionate = positive.  Bullying = negative.  

A person who is passionate about a subject not only loves talking about it, but focuses on the positive attributes of the subject.  A person who is passionate about God, is going to speak about God is a beautiful way, making the Lord desirable to others, who has pure concern for the other person's life and their salvation.  A bully is about proving they are right, calling names, being hurtful and focusing on the other person's transgressions over the beauty of a loving God. 

A person who is passionate about a cause is going to be a great representative for the cause.  In politics a passionate person is going to focus their efforts on promoting the successes of their candidate, and not involve themselves in a smear campaign about the other guy.  If you passionate about a good cause you are going to share the benefits of that organization without tearing down the competition or other good causes trying to get support...simply because you think your cause is best.

Proverbs 21:23  Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble

 That all said, when one is engaged in active conversation, it is easy for our tongue to get away from us.

  Proverbs 10:19  When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. 

We begin running off at the mouth, trying to help our cause or prove our point and end up coming off as a fool.  We say things we should have, in the heat of the moment.  We speak without checking our facts.  Or even worse, we speak about things that were trusted to us in confidence.  And, the more we speak, the worse it gets.  Before we know it, it can lead us to a place where we can't take back our words, the pain we caused and irreparable damage has been done. 

This emotional pain stings as badly, if not worse, as when I bit my tongue not just once, but again.  What makes the situation more sad?   We rarely learn our lesson the first time.  We do it over and over again, refusing to see the error in our ways.  In fact, we will often look to the person who was offended and think it is THEIR PROBLEM because they misunderstood us or misinterpreted our meaning.  We blame them for our inability to tame our own tongue.

I'd rather bite my tongue physically forcing myself to stop talking than to continue to allow my words to create pain, discord or ruin relationships.

 Psalm 141:3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!