Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends. When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out. I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on. By college, I didn't care about friendship at all. I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.
Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends. When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends. I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children. But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done. My youngest was the age of their oldest. Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about. I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training. The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.
Then I started making some new friends. A little here and there. Things were looking good. But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change. One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess. Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it. And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were. I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening. I told my husband the whole bit. I told him I didn't understand. I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving. I was the same person I always way. I hadn't changed. But it seemed like they did and were changing. I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way. I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.
He said... "Maybe it IS you."
I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.
But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right. I asked him to expound on it. He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it. I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser. I shared what was going on. I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions. I shared how these people were responding. I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.
One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women? IT IS YOU.
I was changing. Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.
What was changing?
- I wanted more authentic relationships with people. I was done with superficial face time talk. I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships. Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.
In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life". The answer was, nothing. It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her. Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath. I couldn't just say something, always it was read into. It was unhealthy. It brought me no good. When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."
He was right. It was over.
In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different. There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life. She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her. So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.
The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too. This was not just my imagination. The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me. When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does. I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings. I explained that it was never my intention.
While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings. For that I am sorry.
Now the balls sits in her court.
I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.
As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close. I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck. Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.
I have an amazing family and an amazing God.
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