Domestic Partnership (Part 1 of 2)... An Evolution.

There was a time historically where men and women carried distinct roles in the household.  This was perpetuated on television and in movies.  It was accepted by society as a whole & we didn't deviate from it much at all, if ever.

The woman would be raising the children, tending to the inside of the home & tending to her husband's needs.  This would include:

• Making or buying clothing for the children.
• Preparing breakfast before school, lunch to take with them, and a snack when they would return home.
• Ensuring the children were well groomed & their clothing was presentable.
• Accompanying the children to school or to their bus stop.
• Repairing clothing, socks, curtains and linens.  
• Keeping the home clean, and tidying up throughout the day.
• Volunteer hours at the school, church and community.
• Making dinner, which would be hot and on the table when the husband arrived home.
• Making sure the man's home is his castle & he was treated with the utmost respect.
• Providing a relaxing environment for him, since he was home from a hard day of work.

The man's role would be more fiscal and provisional.  This would include:

• Going to work each day, to bring home the proverbial bacon.
• Disciplining the children.
• Paying the bills.
• Yard work.
• Arranging for repairs and improvements.
• Maintenance of the home and vehicles.

It is fairly apparent, that during those times, the women's role in the home was reflection upon her husband in the community.  If she was getting things done, on time and correctly.... If her children were well behaved, well groomed and polite... If she was respected in the community for her involvement.... It means that HE picked a good wife.  That HE had a firm grasp of his home.  That HE wore the pants in the family.  That HE was a man who would get things done.  That HIS wife and children respected him and his authority.

There were also greater responsibilities put on the children.  I am not talking about growing up on the farm, where all the kids would have to milk the cows and feed the hogs before heading off to school in the morning.  However, it was common place to see the sons mowing the lawn.  It was usually the son's job to take out the trash from the kitchen & take the cans to the curb.  And, when dad would be out in the yard working on a large project... his son was often near.

The daughters would have the responsibility of helping mom with the shopping or snapping beans for the dinner.  They may even be found helping to repair clothing with small tears, dusting, washing the dishes or at least drying them while mom washed.

Even the children had distinct roles and responsibilities based on their gender.

Modern times, we have strayed far from that.  Part of it is rooted in the feminist movement, backed by the idea that women are equally talented & equally capable.  Some of it is rooted in history, when the men would go off to war & it would be the women that filled the factories to keep production going while the men were away.  Some of the women found they actually enjoyed working, and wanted to stay on post war.  In some cases, even the men enjoyed the additional income to the household the women provided.  It wouldn't be uncommon for the wife to know that what she earned was hers to keep and spend as she felt fit, relinquishing her hand in the household budget provided for from his budget.  And this was ok.  Finally, there were simply moments that occurred in life where the woman entering the work force was needed so that the family could just survive. 

As more and more women entered the work force, the distinction between these roles began to blur.  Men were taking on some of the household responsibilities, cooking and cleaning to help their wives keep up.  And as more time passed, this assistance was not being done out of necessity or obligation, but desire.  It would be more and more common place for a man, who had a wife that worked, to see that just as she was contributing to the income to help provide a better life.... that he too would contribute by taking some of the load off her back in the home.  A true 50/50 relationship in regards to responsibilities was becoming a social norm.

Then a wave of change began.  The children of baby boomers began to become parents themselves.  They would see the value of being a stay at home mom.  And over time more and more would flee their jobs to take their place in the home.   The problem that occurs is that we find ourselves expecting that the men will still do "their part" and be our 50/50 partner in the responsibilities of the home.  Because, that is how we grew up.  And the men, would expect that since we were staying home to be housewives and mothers that we were going to literally tend to the house.  It was not odd for a man to expect the woman to not only care for the kids and the inside of the house, but mow the lawn, pay the bills, make repair appointments, etc.

This isn't exactly a unreasonable expectation, when you consider these men grew up in homes where the example was set that Mom worked.  Dad worked.  Therefore, they would both share the chores.  So, if you take the "Mom worked" part out of the equation, it is within logic and reason that she would then take up dad's chores, since she was no longer contributing financially to the home.  She also had so much more time, since she would not be at work.

We would find ourselves becoming more than just a stay at home mom, we were "Live in Secretaries".  That is when resentment would begin to set it and fester.  I have heard (and I will admit to even saying it myself) many a stay at home mother say "I am a stay at  home mom, not stay at home maid.  The kids are my priority, everything else comes second".

This is because we have become so indoctrinated with the idea of day cares for our infants through pre-k aged children, that we expect that we are supposed to fill their days equivalent to what they would in day care.  We forget that the idea of day care and preschool is a much more modern day device, based mostly in necessity for the working moms.  Our grandparents and the generations before them would probably get quite a laugh out of how we "parent" today.  Of course there were some exceptions, where it would be very common for the average housewife to have a nanny, or help cleaning. 

The evolution of the roles and responsibilities has changed quite a bit... but what I am finding is that the interpretation and perspective of that evolution varies depending on whom you are speaking with.  The man sees it very differently than the woman.  The woman is often waiting for the man to pick up the cue that he too needs to revert to the older traditions/models.  We want them to take out the trash.  We want them to mow the lawn.  Yet, historically, then men were not doing it then.  Well, they might have in the beginning, but once their sons were old enough... they passed those jobs on.

I have a good friend who desperately tries to bring historical and traditional gender roles in to her family.  She was to establish what the "men do" and what the "women do".  She wants her children steeped in this, so that they will be good wives and good husbands.  That said, she gets so very angry with her husband (at times) when he delegates.  She'll ask him to do something.  He will instruct one of the kids to do it.  She gets mad because she wanted him to do it.  He gets confused because what does it matter HOW he got it done, just as long as it got done?  She thinks to herself "If I wanted one of the kids to do it, I would have asked them not YOU!".  Oh the cycle it creates.

It made me realize that we are NOT looking to restore the historical gender roles, because we are trying to exclude our children from the equation.  We want them to enjoy their childhood not be bogged down with chores and responsibilities.  We want our husbands to do it.  Not delegate it.

We have become so removed from those traditional roles, we don't even recognize them or know how to put them into action.  We want to apply current parent modeling and thinking into traditional roles, and the two don't always mix well.

For example... Since I am home with the children all the time, I am the primary disciplinarian.  My husband trusts me in this role.  He knows that if it is more than I can handle, I will see his opinion.  But, I won't lie... I would LOVE to return that role to him.  I'd be quite content playing with my kids, being the good guy & relying on that old phrase "Wait until your father gets home".

However, modern day parenting books and speakers... they make this virtually impossible for me to do.  My husband works long hours.  He has short precious time with his children.  Do I really want that short time filled with lectures, punishments & drama.  I have much more time in my day to be able to discipline my children & then restore the relationship.  He doesn't.

So, what do we do?  How do we embrace these roles in modern society?  How doe we accept our roles with grace?  How do we avoid resentment and anger?  How do we find balance?

Next week, I'll continue on with part 2... Domestic Partnership (Part 2 of 2)... Practical Relationships