Depression.... an old foe. Something that I try to ignore and get past. Something that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again, to pull the carpet out from underneath me.
It found me yesterday. Born from anger, fed by disappointment, leaving me lying on the couch waving my white flag.
It exposed my lonliness.
It revealed my unfulfilled longing.
It rubbed my heart raw.
It ensnared my thoughts turning them against me.
It proved to me all my suspicions to be true.
It broke me.
It said..... You have no real friends, not true ones who you can really count on.
It said..... They talk about you behind your back, spreading lies and misinformation.
It said..... They look down on you & think you are not worthy.
It said..... They think you are a bad parent.
It said..... They think you are a bad Christian.
It spoke in quiet whispers in my head.
It spoke in booming words from my own lips as I repeated the thoughts it planted.
It brought me to a place of simply just wanting to leave. To find somewhere new to live, to pick up the family and just move. Go elsewhere. Leave it all behind.
It brought me to a place that said forget everything that you enjoy doing, just stay home with your family.... they are the only ones who care anyway.
It also brought me to my knees. Praying to God to reveal what lesson there is all that is going on in my life. What can I learn here? Why do I feel so disconnected? Where are you moving me Lord?
You see... when Depression shows up on the doorstep.... I try hard to not let it in. But sometimes that door gets opened, despite how much I push it closed. And like an unwanted house guest, I entertain it for a while. And then, when I have had enough .... I send it packing.
Depression doesn't own me. It doesn't define me. It can't steal my hope, or my joy. There will be trials in this life.
.... I can overcome those things.
Because God is bigger, better, dependable and gracious.
He promises a hope and a future, not harm.
I hold to His promises. His word never fails.
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