In Retrospect, Part 3B ~ Raising My Children

In continuation of my previous thoughts, I wanted to insert this little snippet of a post.  These are more along the lines of tips I have learned through the years.

1)  On Schedule.   When I was a new mom, I was still embracing my night owl tendencies.  I thought it was totally appropriate to put the baby on MY schedule vs. creating a schedule for her.  This worked out great for me, during ages Birth - Five.  However, this is a decision I would come to regret the year she started school.  Even now, as she is getting ready to enter high school in the fall, she stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the mornings.  I recognized this mistake in enough time to not repeat it with my other two children.  I created a night owl.  It's a hard habit to break.

In Retrospect:  I highly recommend to parents not just putting their child on a schedule, but putting your children on a "school time schedule" as early as possible.  Even if you think you may eventually home school.  This will pay off for them and you in the long run.

2)  Meal Time.   When I was a new mom, I was still figuring out my way.  I never had to cook for a family.  I didn't really think about what I was feeding my family, because I was repeating the foods I was accustomed to eating.  I assumed I was fine, they would be fine.  My husband and I both face some health issues, and we are certain quite a bit of it can be related to eating convenience foods growing up.  We realized this a little too late.  By that point all of our children had been conditioned toward certain convenience foods.  Getting them to put away Velveeta Shells and Cheese for homemade Mac & Cheese has not been easy. 

In Retrospect:   I wish I would have become more concerned about the foods we eat earlier in this journey of motherhood.  I also wish I would have been more insistent about variety at younger ages, so that I got less argument at the older ages.  I am jealous of my friends who have kids who will eat sushi.

3)   Gut Instincts.  I grew up in a very sheltered home.  My mom was the person who was solely responsible for us kids, every decision was hers and the consequences of those decisions would be hers to live with.  She was a bit paranoid and over cautious.  This left us kids, me in particular, from enjoying a lot of the things kids get to enjoy growing up.  Sleepovers were limited to 2 friends.  I only had 1 friend that I could go on vacation with.  There were school trips and events I couldn't attend, because she had concerns.  I didn't want this for my kids.  I wanted them to have friends in the neighborhood.  I wanted them to have every opportunity to live their childhood to the fullest where and when I could.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would have listened to my gut instincts a bit more.  There are some friendships I would have put boundaries on, or put a stop to.  I would have kept my middle child back one year, and allowed her to start Kindergarten a year later.  I would have pursued my concerns about autism/add/adhd/etc a lot sooner.  I also wish I would have put more opportunities in place at our home.  We need to have more sleepovers HERE.  We need become the house where all the kids want to come.  This was our goal.  We have failed miserably.

4)  Setting Limits.  We are a very tech friendly family.  Unlike most of our friends, how children have had computer access since they were toddlers.  All 3 of my children by the age of 3, could put in a CD and install a new computer game.. entirely on their own.  By 5, they were able to log themselves in and playing games that even gave me difficulty in regards to coordination.  By 6, they were even playing games online with their dad and his friends.    We embraced this because we know that technology is the way of the future, and our children will be well versed.  And, we also knew there was nothing they could do to the computer that their dad couldn't fix.    Our kids each have their own computer, with specs built according to their needs.   

In Retrospect:  I wish we would have put some limitations in place.  Not because I believe it will rot their brains, and limit "screen time" like some many professionals suggest.  I believe that screen time is going to be part of their daily lives as adults... and increasing for generations to come.  But, I wish we would have set limits to the actually accessibility of their computers.  Setting a reasonable time frame each day that they are allowed on the computer, to ensure they are also spending adequate time on other things.  Not rushing through homework, to get online to play a game.  

5)  What belongs to who?  We apply a lot of possessive labels in our home.  Which is great for creating boundaries and respect for other people's property. However a sense of ownership and entitlement can accompany that very quickly.  For example, with our eldest...it's her cel phone.  We gave it to her, called it her phone, etc.  Now, she believes that she owns it...and when we have to apply a consequence or limit what she can use her phone for, we get a lot of attitude and argument.

"But, it's MY phone."

In Retrospect:  I would have been much firmer in these types of scenarios of making it clear that it is MINE and I am allowing you to use it.  In fact, to be entirely honest, in the case of the phone in particular... I would have bought the 3rd phone as a "Kids Phone" and not specifically for my eldest.  It would have had a universal storage place in the house, vs. being charged in my eldest daughters room.  It would be taken from that spot when any of the kids were leaving the house with us not present.  Which, currently is only my eldest, but that will be changing in just a few short years.

6)  Cause and Effect.  As a young mom, I had a weird notion that I just needed to survive the toddler years.  Then when they were old enough, I could just reason with them & expect them to fall in line with the rules.  I also thought I could reason with them about discipline and consequences.  I am learning even now, with a teenager, that you can't reason with them.  At least not the way I envisioned it working.

In Retrospect:  I would have loved to have realized this lesson much earlier.  It is something that I have been able to correct in my middle child, instill from the beginning with my youngest.  But my eldest and I still battle about Cause and Effect, and accepting the consequences of the choices she makes.  I would have been much conscious of my discipline techniques and applied them at a much earlier age.

God of Wonders

Do you find yourself caught in doubt? Have you ever wondered what God is doing in your life, circumstances or in the world around you?

I wonder what God is doing in this situation?

I wonder what God is trying to teach me?

I wonder when God is going to answer my prayers?

Most Christians will admit to a time in their life where they wondered about God and his plans.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG) “I don't think the way you think. The way you work is not the way I work. For as the sky soars above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond what you think.”.

It is comforting to me, in my moments of doubt and wonder, to cling to this scripture. I may never on this earth or in paradise know what God was doing, but God definitely knows what He has in store for us. However, I still can't help falling into moments of wonder.

I wonder what God sees in me? God sees what no one else sees, because He created me and He chose me to belong to Him. This has been part of His plan since the foundations of creation. (Ephesians 1:4-6 & Ephesians 1:11)

Ephesians 1:11 – We were chosen to belong to him. God decided to chose us long ago in keeping with his plan. He works out everything to fit his plan and purpose.

I wonder if God hears my prayers? God may not be appearing to answer your prayers, but what you may not see is what God is doing in the background. We have to trust that He has our best interest at heart, and that all things will be done in His perfect timing. Our prayers will be answered according to His will, not our own.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 – Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when the heat comes, for it's leaves remain green , and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

I wonder what God has planned for me? If God does see something in me, if His ways are not my ways, and God is hearing my prayers.... then what exactly is it that God is doing in my life? What does he have planned? Scripture tells us that God knows us well.

Psalm 139:-4 – O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.

God knows what we are capable of on our own, and what we are capable of when we let Him guide us. He takes our natural gifts and magnifies them. He equips those He calls & at the appointed time He has called them.

I wonder if others can see what God is doing? Sometimes we begin to wonder if others can see what God is doing, even when we can't. We may be getting better at our prayer life, digging into the Word more, attending church regularly... but are we really different? Are others able to see Christ in us? Are we a good representation of Christ in the world? Growth and change take time. Others may see changes long before we recognize them. But God is working in us so that we become that “new creation” spoken about in 2 Corinthians 5:17. As we grow, God will move us along in His plan. It is a journey, and for some of us the journey will be longer than others.

Colossians 1:10-11 – And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.

I wonder if God really cares about me? I am just one little person in this big world. God cares so much about us, He sent is own son to die on a cross for each of us. You and me. He has known every day we would live before the first was written. He created us, knitting us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). He puts support in place for us, to help us on our journey through this life. This support comes in the form of the Holy Spirit within us, His Word that we can depend on and learn from, our Church and sisters in Christ that we can lean on and grown with.

I wonder what will happen if and when I mess up? I am not perfect. In the parable of the prodigal son, we see a son who was raised just like his brothers... but went off on his own path. But when he returns home, his father accepts him, arms wide open and tends to all his needs. (Luke 15)

God isn't finished with us yet. We will stumble and fall sometimes, but God doesn't give up on us. He welcomes us back with open arms.

I wonder what I ever did to deserve the love that God has for me? Nothing.

God loves us, because God is love (John 4:8)

God loves us, because God created us. (Genesis 1:26-28)

He loves us when we don't love him. He is faithful to the faithless (2 Tim 2:13)

I wonder if God knows how much I love him and how thankful I am for his blessings in my life?

What are you doing in your life to answer that question?

* Written for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In Retrospect, Part 3 ~ Raising my Children

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

That piece of scripture is so true.  When you get a group of women together, especially when one of them is pregnant, we tend to share our birth stories.  We can recall a lot of it, but I can honestly tell you that I can't recall the physical pain, not on a tangible level.   I broke my ankle when I was a child, and I do have the ability to recall how badly it hurt, the excruciating pain of it.  When I tell the story of how I broke my ankle, it is never followed by "but it was worth it".  Yet, every birth story I have told or heard will end with that same sentiment.  I have no sensory recall of it, but I do know it was hard, it seemed to take for ever, I was relieved when it was done, and I had never felt so much love in my life.  With each child it was more and more love.  Less and less memory of all of the difficulty getting there. 

Having a child is literally the most joyous moment of my life.

But, raising my children has been quite the opposite.  Sure, when they are babies and we are experiencing the series of "firsts" it is nothing but wonderful.  The first time you hear "I love you mommy" your heart swells inside of your chest.  The first time they give you a kiss without you asking for it, is momenumental.

The first time they tell you "I hate you"... cuts deep, like a sword straight through your heart.

You know that they don't mean it, but the words hurt.  Deeply.  

Even that doesn't prepare you for they day they simply STOP.  Stop telling you, I love you.  Stop giving you hugs and kisses.  Stop wanting your attention and input.  Stop wanting you to be around.  

You start in a position where you are EVERYTHING to your child.  You do everything for them.  You are everything to them.  Suddenly you feel like you are nothing.  Then you begin to feel like you are their enemy.  

I wanted nothing more than to have that relationship with my children that they would WANT to be with me, to be the cool mom that everyone loved.  I realized quickly that I was failing at that role, as we entered the teenage years.  I know that most of it is simply "growing up".  One day my daughters will leave this house & cleave to their new husbands.  These years of teenage angst and pushing us away is part of that "cutting the cord" process.  They are creating distance between us so that they CAN leave.  It will be easier on them.  It will be easier on us.  

I am also realizing that part of this is my fault.  I was a young mom.  I was a selfish mom.  I didn't really understand the needs of a baby.  I was the youngest in my family, I had no chance to watch my mom raise an infant.   I read a few books, mostly about development and milestones.  None really focused on the emotional and relational aspects.  I was the first of my friends to get pregnant, so I didn't even had advice from anyone who was already going through it.  I was thrust into motherhood, unprepared.  

I distinctly recall with my first, encouraging her to be able to play on her own.  I was an independent person, after all.  I wanted to raise my daughter to be a strong independent woman.  I was encouraging her to make her own decisions, to not need anyone else.

Including me.

My second child would be a very HIGH SPIRITED child.  She was very needy, she required a LOT of my attention.  But I wasn't prepared to give her as much as she needed.  I would find myself in a place where I was sometimes just trying to get away from her.  (This is not an easy admission for a mom).  She was simply a LOT to handle.  In fact, once we had her... the grandparents were not quite so eager to babysit the kids as they used to be.  They would take the eldest... but leave her home.

Please don't judge them.

By my third, I was starting to get my act together.  I attribute so much of my progress to joining a local MOPS group.  I had a chance to see how other parented, biblical standards of parenting, and introduced to a SLEW of resources I didn't even know existed.  I can say confidently a better mother now, than I ever was.

This is no way means that I neglected or didn't love my children.  Far from the truth.  But I certainly had a lot to learn and it took me 3 kids to figure it all out.  Unfortunately a  little to late.  By this point my 1st was getting older, and at the time I am writing this... she is a teenager.  I have seen the results of some of my poor parenting choices almost daily, until recently.

It was one day, when I got one of those deep cutting "I hate you" moments that I decided to make a change.

In retrospect, I would have spent a lot more time developing a relationship with my daughters from a very young age.  My goal now is to look at each chance to interact with them as a blessing.  Before I turn them away, I ask myself... will I regret this decision?  I tend to stop what I am doing more now, and engage with them.  And most of my responses of NO have become NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND & I set a time.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Proverbs 29:17 sounds so encouraging, doesn't it.  I have yet to experience that.  I tell my children all the time how much it hurts me to have to discipline them.  I don't want this strain in our relationship.  I don't want to have to hear them retort at me their hatred of me.  I don't want to take away their fun.  I don't want to "ruin their life".  Yet, I do what I must... I am their mom, I love them, I want the best for them and I want them to grow into responsible God fearing women.

It all happened on lovely day, apply sarcasm here.  A bad report card came home.  It all hit the fan.  I want you to understand that I do not expect perfection from my children.  If their best is a C, then they have done their best & I can ask no more.  I can only do the best I can to help them where they struggle.  But when they are not willing to even try, when I see missing assignments.... This isn't your best.  So, since this was a recurring problem, she was grounded.  In our home that means no computer, no phone, no going anywhere.  And so it began... the "I hate you" flung in my face, followed by a string of "I can't do better"... "I am stupid... just accept it"... "I don't care about my grades, or you"... a threat of running away was also in there at some point, but I knew it was just a threat.  And my personal favorite argument "you don't understand what it is like...".  Because, as you know, I went straight from being in elementary school to adulthood.  I have no concept at all of being a "teen".  (I am sure you are noting my sarcasm there, too.)

She went to school the next day.  I went to the office supply store.  It took several hundred post it notes and several sharpies to complete my vision.  You see, I had decided to woo my daughter.  I covered the 2 mirrored closet doors... ENTIRELY... with post it notes.  Each one had something about her that I loved, respected or believed about her.  I wanted her to know that I "see her".  I wanted her to understand that "I get it".  I wanted her to see her self through my eyes.  I never wanted her to doubt my love again.

I was proud of myself.  When she got home from school, she went in her room.  I never heard a word about it.  The next time I went in her room, they were gone. My heart was broken.  It probably took her minutes to tear down this "wall of love" that I spent all day building.  I felt defeated, but I didn't give up.  I tried to figure out what her love language was.  I bought her little random gifts, that showed I knew what things she was interested in.  I would ask her to accompany me on errands.  I'd try to hug or kiss her on the cheek, tell her I love her.  I would praise her for the things she did well & I would purposely criticize less.  I would do some of her chores while she was at school so that she could come home and relax (and not have to deal with her dad getting on her case about them).  I could not figure this kid out.

In retrospect, I should have been doing this more often... and a lot sooner.  It's easier to keep your child's heart than to try and win it back.

Proverbs 22:6  Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 The good news is that God's Word and His promises are always TRUE and DEPENDABLE.

I may have made some poor parenting decisions, but my foundations were solid.  My children KNOW that I love them.  I never let a day pass where I don't say it, at least once.  (Which is a LOT more than I got as a child).  I also never stop trying.  She may be a teenager, and she may try to swat me away... but I still try to sneak in a kiss on her forehead or a bear hug.

I have also made the decision that I needed to verbally tell them that I was going to be a better mom.  I was going to try harder & they were allowed to call me out when ever I was slipping.

I remember growing up, having a very strained relationship with my mom.  I didn't want that with my own children.  But to be honest, it was such a hard relationship... and I had heard so many stories about how you become the parent you were raised by, I didn't even want children of my own.  I didn't want to be a mom, if it meant my relationship was going to be bad.  (Of course now you will see tons of internet meme quotes saying "If you kid hates you, you are doing it right).  Anyway, I didn't want kids.  At all.  Ever.

I have three.

One night, when we were talking about "God Stuff"... I said something to the effect of being eager for Jesus's return.  And my daughter said, "But I want to get married and have kids".

She wants to be a mom.

I did something right. 

Small victory, but I'll take it.

In retrospect, I realize that my mom was doing the best she could with the hand she was dealt.  Our relationship is much better.  And our relationship NOW constantly provides me with hope, of what will one day happen with my own daughters.  Our relationship may change, for a time, but it will not always stay that way.

It was only recently (in just the last few months), I am starting to see this come to fruition.

She told me, albeit in response, that she loved me.  On the phone.  When she was with her friends.

She let me hug her, on more than one occasion.

She has been coming to me daily to talk about her friends, her boyfriend, and other random things.

And I hang on every word of it. 

In Retrospect.. Part 2 ~ Loving My Husband

We all know marriage isn't easy.  If it was, we'd have less divorce.  If it was, we'd have people flocking to marriage vs.running from it.  When you grow up with a positive image of marriage, you realize that despite marriage being hard it is very rewarding.  You know that the good times will out number the bad.  You will understand the meaning of commitment, you will work to improve yourself and your relationship.  You will prioritize your spouse over yourself.  You will also learn to replicate this in your own home.  When both spouses come from homes that had successful marriages, it is a LOT easier to have the same for themselves.  Why?

1)  They understand that it is POSSIBLE.
2)  They witness the WORK that their parents put into it.
3)  They TRUST that it is worth it for the long haul, especially their kids.

I have never understood the people who stay married for the kids, and as soon as their kids are moved out of the house... they divorce.  Do they not think that their divorce will impact their children?  Do they not wonder if the children will look back on their childhood as a lie?  That everything they saw their parents doing, everything they heard them say... was just a show?

I don't fall in to either of these categories, nor does my husband.  We both come from divorced families, and in both of our cases both parents would remarry (sometimes several times).  However, we do have one big difference.  In the case of my husband, his parents would each remarry and the marriages would be lengthy, and the majority of the life he had a step parent.  He has had very few years where in each home, there was not a father and mother figure.  In fact, my husband is still close to his step-father today, even though his mother passed over 6 years ago.  They are actually closer.

I, on the other hand, have spent more time with a single parent, only counting a few years of actually having a step parent present in my life.  Most of which, I don't even remember.  The most influential person brought into my life, was a man my mother would have married.  Sadly, he passed away.  My father did remarry, I was practically an adult and he thousands of miles away.  To this day, I have only seen her in person once.

My husband, despite coming from a divorced family, still had a fairly good representation of marriage.  He understood the roles of the husband and the wife.  He understood the dynamics of people living together.  He understood the concepts of compromise, sacrifice, spousal love, etc.

In my case, I really had no concept.  My mother had custody of us.  She was mostly single, her marriages didn't last long.  I had no comprehension of what it was like to have to compromise... my mom was in charge.  She made the decisions.  End of story.  There were no dinner table conversations about how to handle anything.  I didn't even have an idea of what was acceptable PDA (public displays of affection) in front of children.  I didn't know how to be "romantic" in my home, when there we peering eyes of children.  I never witnessed my mom flirting with my dad, or my dad chasing her around the kitchen.  There was no playful banter.  There were also no arguments that had to be resolved.  I didn't understand conflict resolution at all.  I was handicapped when I came into my marriage, emotionally and literally.  I didn't know how.

In the literal sense, I was handicapped is most senses of the word.  I didn't know how to cook.  I didn't know how to clean (not REAL cleaning).  I didn't understand budgeting.  I didn't grasp the roles my husband and I would have in the home.  I didn't know how to physical respond, or what the expectations would be.  I didn't realize how much my life would change.

In the emotional sense, I was handicapped.. much like the child who didn't like physical affection, who doesn't know how to relate, who wanted everything my way and demanded it so.  But more so, I was emotionally untrusting of "marriage".  I wondered when it would be that my marriage would end.  I was anticipating it.  Things would get tough, he would leave, then I would do what my mom did.  I didn't realize at the time that I was actually pushing him out the door.

I honestly can't recall a specific thing I did, I just know... deep down... that I was guarded, waiting for the shoe to drop; and I emotionally kept myself at a distance so it wouldn't hurt so bad when it happened.  You can't tell me that won't affect your marriage on it's own.  Perhaps things were tough, and perhaps he found me difficult, and perhaps he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. I wasn't making it any easier.

I just knew I wasn't going to be the one to take that first step.  I wouldn't ask for a divorce.  But, I'd sign the papers if he brought them to me.  I attribute that to my deep inner desire to never fail at anything.  It is easy to be blinded and blame it on the other person...all the while, you are pushing and pushing.  I had played the scenario out in my head many times.  I also complained a LOT to my mother about him.  I think I was prepping her to be on my side, edging her to think the worst of him, and even preparing her to come to my rescue when the time came.

While all of this was going on, interestingly enough, my faith journey was really just beginning.  I was growing closer to God.. and over time I would begin to realize that I wasn't being a good wife.  I wasn't responding to my marriage how God would have wanted me to.  I wasn't respecting my marriage covenant.  To divorce my husband would be breaking my vow to God.  I was going to try and make it better.

It would be in that attempt, I would come to fall in love with the Proverbs 31 Woman.  I wanted to be that.  I tried.  I failed.  But, I didn't give up.

It would take several more years of trying, failing and not giving up.  I would have moments where I felt like I was the only one trying.  Criticizing my husband for what he wasn't doing.  The sacrificing he wasn't making.  It wasn't working.

What I did realize was the my husband was still there.  He had every good reason to leave me years ago, but he didn't.

- He was dedicated to his marriage
- He was dedicated to his children
- He was dedicated to God, even if not in the way I wanted him to be.

Admission:  I spent a LOT of time trying to be my husband's holy spirit.    Bad plan.

I dug further into the Proverbs 31 Woman... and I began to GET IT.  It wasn't about all the things listed in the scripture that she did.  It was about her relationship with God, her "fear of the Lord that was worthy of praise".... THAT WAS THE KEY!

The more I dug into it, I realized my story would be different.  Proverbs 31 was not a check list.  It was inspiration.  It was hope.  It was confidence.  It was affirmation. It was everything I didn't think it was going to be.

Over the last several years, my marriage has come to a place where it is better than it ever was.  When my husband was having the first of two major surgeries... my fear of losing him bubbled to the surface and the love I had for this man was overflowing.  I couldn't really handle it.  My faith in God to provide for us in this time was strengthened.  For the next 8 months, while he would be home recovering, we would learn to depend on each other in ways we had never needed to prior.  And, we are all the better for it.

I am still learning to be a better wife.  I still fail.  I still keep on trying.  I am less focused on what I think he needs to be doing, and more focused about what I need to be doing.  How can I be a better wife?  How can I be a better mother?  How can I keep a better house?  How can I show him how much I appreciate everything he does for us?  How can I show him that I love him?  How can I become that woman, that he praises at the city gates?

It starts with:

1) Strengthening your relationship with God & praying for his influence in your marriage.

Matthew 19:4-6  

 Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

2) Look at yourself & your role in the marriage.  Are you doing your part?

This article sums it up nicely: The Wife's Role in Marriage

3) Refusal to keep score, count wrongs, hold grudges, nag, and all those things that create division.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

4) Choose to not only see, but recognize, his very best attributes.  Keep them on the forefront of your mind.

Ephesians 4:2

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.

In retrospect:  Had I turned to God sooner, had I made the realization faster that I can't be my husband's holy spirit, had I determined to focus on myself, and had I allowed my walls to YEARS ago... maybe we would have reached this place sooner.  Either way, I couldn't be happier in my marriage.  I don't expect anything more than who my husband is, the way God created him.  I love him, and extend him grace... the same way, I would want him to do for me.

In Retrospect... Part 1 ~ Tending the Home

When I was growing up, we were not really given chores in the sense of a regular occurring responsibility in the home.  My grandmother was a "do it yourself, so it gets done right" kind of woman.  My mother definitely embraced the mentality that kids are only kids for a short time, and will have a lifetime of responsibilities.  That doesn't mean we sat around and did nothing, but she wanted us to enjoy our childhood.  The expectations on us were to go to school, get good grades, clean our room when she told us to, and then to do the random things she would ask of us.  It was sort of an "as needed basis" expectation.

In memory I can really only recall having to do things like move a load of wash into the dryer, or put the trash out.  I honestly don't recall her ever asking me to wash any dishes or clean up the house.  There were times I did it "just because", but I won't lie... that was rare.  Like the time I made dinner for her on Mother's Day, and left all the clean up for her.  We can both laugh at it now, and I am sure at the time she appreciated the thought behind it.  But, I realize, that my attempt to do something nice (make dinner) actually created more work for her in the end.  At least she knows my heart was in the right place.

In retrospect, I have realized that you need to find the balance between both.  Allowing your children to have a manageable chore list that doesn't consume their day, yet helps them contribute to the family in a tangible way.  I once read a suggestion that you should give your child one chore for every year in age.  That is fine and dandy when they are 3, but once they hit 16?  This is a child who is already going to be overloaded with high school work, social or sport obligations, etc.  Expecting them to also complete 16 chores each week is a bit much.  I want my children to know how to relax and have down time. 

Everything I knew about cleaning the home was something I really witnessed, more than actual practice.  Sure, I took Home Eec at school.  I can sew on a button in record time.  I learned to cook meals from recipes.  I can still follow directions perfectly.  I understand WHY we cleaned, and what we USED to clean, but I really was never taught HOW to clean in Home Ec.  From watching my grandmother, I had a lot of questions.  Such as:  Why on Earth would she wash the walls once a month?  and my personal favorite from that time period Why is Grandma raking the carpet?

These were things I just didn't understand and thought that perhaps my grandmother was a little OCD.

In retrospect, now that I have children, I absolutely understand why she would wash the walls down once a month.  And yes, you will even find me doing it every now and again.  Not monthly, but several times a year. 

My mother was very busy, she was a single mom supporting three children.  She sometimes had more than one job. For much of these years, it was simply a matter of getting it done.  She would have her methods that wouldn't make sense to me, but she was maximizing her time as efficiently as possible. 

In retrospect, now that I have my own busy life, I can see the need to develop your own system that works to get the job done.

Unfortunately, when I first became a wife and parent, I began as a micromanager.  I bought into my grandmother's mentality that it was easier to do it right the first time, my way, and get out of my way while I do it.

In retrospect, I realize that by doing this they will not learn HOW to do anything.  I am not equipping them for adulthood.  I am setting them up to have to fumble through some of this on their own, just like I did.  This is hard for me, as allowing them to do it does not always mean it will be done the way I want it done.  I have had to learn to bend and compromise.  As long as it is done, I need to not care that they did it in their own way.

When you have this mentality to do it yourself, the right way... and then you add in the idea that "kids should be kids" like my mom felt... you will suddenly find yourself doing everything.  You will resent those who do not offer to help (because you don't ask, you want them to offer).  You get angry when you ask them to do something and they don't do it in your time frame (because you have never given them reason to).  You feel unappreciated as they get older and still expect you to do everything (because you have taught them that you want to do it yourself anyway).  You get tired of doing the chores and tending the home (because you have been doing it alone for umpteen years and you are just over it).

In retrospect, I realize that I should have involved them more.  I should have had some expectations in place.  I should have never allowed it to get to the place of resentment or anger.  I should have asked more often.  But, I also realize that this is the role I have chosen and most of this comes with the job.  I can't give it all away.

I have been learning to do a better job,every year I have improved over the year before.  In part it is because I am finally at a place where I accept that this is the role I have chosen, and that the most difficult years (cleaning up toys, spills on the ground, etc) are quickly passing me by. Soon finding a toy in the house will be like trying to find a unicorn.   My life will resemble Toy Story 3.  

I have also begun to find contentment in my life.  It is really hard to WANT to clean that house or apartment that you think is too small.  It is hard to want to take care of the hand me down furniture.  Why bother vacuuming the couch now that your child took a sharpie marker to it.  It is very difficult to muster the motivation to clean your child's room when you know in 15 minutes it's going to be destroyed again.  It is easy to give up.  It is easy to fall into a trap that NEW will make it better.  A new storage system will keep their room clean.  RIGHT?  A bigger house will give you more room and storage and things won't get so messy.  REALLY?  A new house or piece of furniture will create more motivation to keep it clean because it is new vs. that dingy old hand me down that you don't care about.  ABSOLUTELY?

In retrospect, I realized that more space means more stuff.   I realized that you can buy all the organization tools in the world, but if you don't use them... then you won't get it done and you wasted your money.  I realized that new doesn't make it better, because nothing stays NEW.  Not  unless it is the formal living room set you bough for the sitting room that no one is allowed to sit on, unless you have guests over... and you never have guests over.

What I had to realize was that I had to be content with the life I had.  I had to appreciate the things I had.  But I also realized that I needed to tend to and care for what I already had before God would bless me with something bigger and better.  

Now, the funny thing is... I don't want bigger.  I don't want better.  I want only what I need and works for me now.

I had the opportunity to the clean the house of woman, it was a one time gig, who had a MUCH bigger home than I did.  I thought it would be super easy because she didn't have kids, didn't have pets, was rarely home.  It too FOREVER.  Sure there was no grime to clean up.  There wasn't a ton of pet hair stuck to everything.  She just had a lot of rooms, with general stuff in it.  I wouldn't call it cluttered, or even say that she had too much stuff in the house.  Not at all.  In fact she had a regular cleaning person (I was just helping out temporarily).  But, there was just so much to wipe down and polish.

I came home that night and told my husband I didn't want a bigger house.  Ever.

I also began ridding my home of a lot of unnecessary things that were eating up my time and my energy.  Last night I needed to clean the guest bathroom and main living areas of the house and I mean CLEAN it.  Polish the furniture, wipe down the kitchen cabinets, etc.  I had the whole thing done, including mopping within about an hour.  That was nice.  Really nice.  I still have a lot to go in the kids rooms and such.  But getting to the place of "less is more" is freeing.  Less = more time.  Less = more energy.  Less = more space.

In retrospect, I should have realized a lot sooner that the solution to too much stuff, too much to clean... was NOT buying MORE stuff.  There is never going to be enough containers or room for storage when you keep getting more.  I should have begun purging a long, long time ago.  I am finding so much more peace in my life having LESS.  And since I have less, I need less.  And since I am content about it, I don't find myself wanting.

What it comes down to is being happy with what I have been blessed with, and finding joy.  And that starts with a purposeful change in MY attitude.

Tending the home is important, it is my job and I want to do it well.  Not just for my family, but for myself.  When my children talk about their childhood, I don't want them to remember chaos and clutter, but sitting around the table and playing board games.  I want them to find a level of responsibility of caring for what belongs to us.  I want to teach them how, so they are equipped when they are starting their own households.  I also want them to be able to look back and remember having fun and hanging out, not being a workhorse.  

In retrospect, I could have been a better keeper of the home.  In present day, I am working on improving.  My goal is to teach my children, make my home happier for all who live in it, and not be so bogged down in cleaning and caring for stuff... that I miss out on life.

A Mother's Worst Nightmare, A Word of Advice

Today I received one of those calls you just never want to receive.  Loosely quoted... "Has your daughter heard from mine at all today?".... my answer was no, as my daughter was still in school.  "Why?" I asked..... "Because she is gone....."

"What do you mean she is gone.....?"

These are words that as a mother you never hope to utter.  Here I was, on the other end of the phone... listening to my dear friend say them.  I was in disbelief.  It took me just a moment to process what I was hearing.

This was the teenager I would never have expected to do such a thing.

It goes to show that you can never truly understand what is going on in the mind of a teenager.  They are entirely unpredictable.

It would take several hours, and a team of us driving around until she would be found.  Instead of coming home when I got the news, I headed to their house.  I was going to face this child, whom I love like my very own.  On the one hand I just wanted to hug her & love on her, as I was so relieved she was home, safe and sound.  On the other hand, I was angry at her for what she had done.  I won't even lie, I just wanted to grab her and shake her, hoping to jostle some common sense in to that brain.

What she had done was dangerous.  It was irresponsible.  It was selfish.  It was hurtful.....

But when I saw her, my heart was softened.  I could tell she did feel remorse for her actions.  I truly believe she couldn't really explain why she thought this was a good course of action.  Instead of yelling at her, I cried, I hugged her, and I tried to understand.  But, do not let that imply I didn't sternly reprimand her for her stupidity. Yes, stupidity.

Here is where the advice is going to come in....

I told her that I loved her.  I told her that I understand that sometimes life gets hard, feels unfair and sometimes you just feel like you need to get away.  But, she had more options.  She could have called me, I would have come over & picked her up.  She could have stayed with me until she cooled down.

Mothers, as much as we love our children and as much as we try to let them know that they can come to us about anything and everything... we hold a very particular role in our homes.  We will always be mom.  It is hard to come to mom & complain about mom. It is hard to come to the person who issued the punishment and tell them about how unfair it is (even when we know that we are in the wrong).  I remember having the same feelings about my mom, I know my kids have felt that way about me at times too.   

The reason it is hard is simply because in that moment, mom can't just sit and listen.  Mom can't have sympathy or empathy for them.  Instead mom will take that moment to continue the lectures or explain for the hundredth time why we made the decision we did.   Sure, mom will couple it with "I love you" and even the fantastic cliche of "I am only doing this because I DO care".  But, that doesn't make them feel better.  Sometimes they just need someone to say, I understand.  I understand you don't think it is fair, I understand that you are frustrated right now.  Let's go get some ice cream & cool down a bit.  They need someone they can call on in these moments, someone they can trust and someone that will give them sage advice (when they are ready to hear it).

I thought I had done a good job of putting myself into this role with my friend's daughter.  It's come up in the conversations of the past.  However, I realize now, that I have not built that relationship up as she has grown.  I haven't proven myself.  I haven't proven this trust.  I haven't proven this dependability to her.  I waited until she blew her stack to remind her that I was an option for her in these moments.

I need to make a point of building up that relationship, between her and I.  So that she knows I am a safe & dependable option for those moments when she just wants to flee.  I failed.  And my heart was broken with worry, fear and panic today.

As your children grow, it is important to have good peer friendships for them, a good crew of BFFs.  We all do it, encouraging the friendships we want to flourish and grow.  But do not forget to have a "mentor" in place.  An older teen, college age or adult friend who is put into you child's life... not just because they are YOUR friend, but to become someone your child can depend on & come to when they fear they cannot come to you.  It is a strategic move to put more positive influences in your child's life, resources for them to draw from, and a safe place for them to fall.

When you have found that person (or persons) for your child, encourage them to have some one on one time together.  Aid that friendship and bond in it's growth, encourage them to talk to each other, and make time for their relationship.  Do not allow yourself to grow jealous over their relationship.  It's not better than your relationship with your child, it's different.  VERY different.

And then... when you have done this for your child.... BECOME THIS role for someone else.

It just may keep the phone from ringing.... and hearing those words.... or worse, uttering them yourself.

It's Been a While... My Journey to Becoming a Better Wife

It has been exactly one month since my last blog entry.  That is enough time to kill a blog, sending it to the internet cemetery.  For those who are wondering "where did she go"... or "what happened to her posts"... I offer this explanation:  I am trying to be a better wife.  The wife that my husband deserves.  The wife I should have been all along.  And, for those who share my beliefs... I am trying to be the woman that God has called me to be.

Scripture references the wife as a helpmeet, but honestly that wouldn't be a term that applied to me entirely.  I was designed by God, or if you are not a believer... I was entrusted within my vows, to be a partner, sharing in the load and in fact often taking more of the burden upon myself in order to lighten the load of the person I supposedly love more than anyone else on the planet.

But, in total admission, my actions were hardly such.

Over the years I have had bouts of selfishness, moaning over the sacrifices I have made to be a stay at home mom. I have belly ached about having to "to it all" in regards to raising our children.  I have probably bullied my husband on more than one occasion to make a certain decision, or take a certain course of action.  I am far from the perfect wife.  I definitely fell short of being put on any sort of pedestal. 

Now, however, I am really trying.

For the past several years I have been researching and teaching others about Proverbs 31's "Wife of Noble Character".  This has been having a profound impact on me, and how I see my marriage.  I have been taking small steps over the past few years.  I have been trying, but sometimes it is hard to not give into my flesh.

I do not want to do the laundry.
I do not want to clean the house.
I do not want to do the bed time routine one more night.
I do not want to make dinner.
I do not want to ferry the kids around places.
I do not want to be intimate with my husband according to his needs or desires.
I do not want to wait to save up the money for things that I want now.
I do not want to take money from my business, that I worked hard for, to put into the family.

I was selfish.  I was being lazy.  I was being unreliable.  I was being uncaring.  I was being a horrible wife.  I was being a less than stellar mom.

Now, don't get me wrong... just because I didn't WANT to do them doesn't mean that these things didn't get DONE.  But my heart and my attitude about doing them certainly didn't reflect love, but instead reflected obligation and I was definitely not a mirror of Christ in my life to others.

I wanted a new wardrobe, for the whole family.  I didn't want to put the extra work into sorting the laundry more piles based on their labels, to put the time into pre-treating stains or repairing rips and tears.  I didn't want to do it RIGHT.  I wanted to do it FAST.

Proverbs 22:29: “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.” (KJV)

I wanted a house that was bigger & better.  I didn't want to get rid of excess, I just wanted more space to hold the unnecessary things we had.  That was my solution.  And, since my solution wasn't being met, the best way to illustrate the need was to have daily reminders as we saw the piles building each day.  I worried about the most visible places, letting the rest ride longer between cleanings.  I cared more about what others thought about me, than my own family.  I did the bare minimum, and dared to complain that it was too much & implying that more space would solve everything.

Luke 16:10  "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."  (NIV)

I wasn't diligent in my business.
I wasn't trustworthy with little.

I realized that God wouldn't bless us with "more" of anything, if we were not 1) content with what we had  and 2) responsible and a good steward with what we had.

I started making small changes years ago.  I was on my way to becoming more fiscally responsible (in saving and in spending).  I started to take better care of the home, of myself and of the kids.

Time passes quickly and it is hard to fall back into old habits.

Something that recently occurred to me was that I had been studying Proverbs 31 to become a better wife, because that is what God called of me.  But it really wasn't until quite recently that I realized it was more than that.  I had neglected to consider all the things my husband had sacrificed and his daily struggles to allow me to be home with our kids, to put the roof over our head and all of the ways he put the children and I ahead of himself.

So how did this impact the "blog".  Franky it was the decision that before I took on another task, putting a new entry on my calendar, I needed to make things right with my husband.  Which must start from within.  I had to make my heart right.

I love my husband dearly, but I don't think I have done a great job of letting him know how much I appreciate him & the life he has given me.  It was time to make some changes.  It was time to take my earnings and put them into the house and family, just as he did.  I had to lose the notion that this earned money was "mine", yet his earned money was "ours".  If there was something I really wanted, and wanted it sooner vs. later... I had to be willing to put the work into making that happen.

I had to let go of some of the frustration and resentment that my earned money was used to float the family during the months he was home recovering.  And, I especially needed to rid myself of the notion that I needed to be "paid back" once he had returned to work.

I had to respect the home that he provides us with, by taking care of it.  Putting it ahead of my hobbies and phone calls.  Walking into a home that is clean, creates a sense of peace that helps my husband unwind and leave his work worries at the door.  When he leaves chaos (work) and comes home to chaos, it makes the day harder for him.

I had to recognize that if it were not for me & the children, my husband would be living a completely different life.  I know he would NOT have the job he does at the moment.  He would do something he loves, for a lot less money, and a lot less stress.  He would also be able to spend his earnings entirely on his own wants and desires, instead of putting ours ahead of his own.  How ungrateful I am when I whine and complain about what I don't have & what I have given up.

The changes for me had to start within.

I want to be a better wife.
I want to make his home a place of peace and refuge.
I want to ease his burden.
I want to prepare foods that nourish and reenergize him.
I want to have his clothing, home and children presentable.
I want him to never question my love, devotion or care for him.
I want him to stand before his peers, and be held in high esteem.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to feel confident that in his absence, I will tend to the home & family just as he would.
I want him to trust me and depend on me.
I want him to know that he & our family are my priority over my own desires.
I want to be my best for him, and assure him that I appreciate him.

He deserves nothing less.

In the near 9 months that my husband was home recovering from surgery, we certainly began a journey that would have a huge impact on our marriage.  But it was until very recently when my heart began to change due to my desires vs. necessity... that I really began to "get it".

My marriage is better each day.  My family is better each day.

I am leaving the nagging behind.
I am grasping appreciation for my blessings.
I am becoming a good steward and building responsibility and confidence in my home.
I am stepping out of my comfort zone.
I am changing my relationship with my family daily, improving it.

You see, often in our marriages when things are less than perfect... it is easy to point at others and view their mistakes, their failures, how they disappoint, etc.  We use these things as justifications to NOT do what we know we should be.  We forget how blessed we are.

When we stop and look at ourselves, asking this question ... "How am I accountable in this situation?"... our eyes begin to open.  When we make the decision to see our spouse through the eyes that they are good willed, loving people, who do so much for us, our heart begins to open.  When we recognize the things we need to do to rectify our obstacles, our minds begin to open.  Suddenly it becomes less about what they are doing/not doing and we see and understand our own selves and our own motivations more clearly.

I did.
I was ashamed.
But, I am trying.  It's getting better.
Every day, when I wake up in the morning, it is one more change to get it right.

I think it is fair to say that my husband wouldn't say I was a perfect wife.  Yet, I know that he recognizes the difference.  Because he tells me so, and then I feel more appreciated.

It creates a circle of love, support and encouragement.   His response to my actions, only makes me want to do more.

I may not have been posting about my pursuit of the Proverbs 31 Woman, but I had not abandoned it.  I was simply busy doing it vs. thinking about it.