John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.
That piece of scripture is so true. When you get a group of women together, especially when one of them is pregnant, we tend to share our birth stories. We can recall a lot of it, but I can honestly tell you that I can't recall the physical pain, not on a tangible level. I broke my ankle when I was a child, and I do have the ability to recall how badly it hurt, the excruciating pain of it. When I tell the story of how I broke my ankle, it is never followed by "but it was worth it". Yet, every birth story I have told or heard will end with that same sentiment. I have no sensory recall of it, but I do know it was hard, it seemed to take for ever, I was relieved when it was done, and I had never felt so much love in my life. With each child it was more and more love. Less and less memory of all of the difficulty getting there.
Having a child is literally the most joyous moment of my life.
But, raising my children has been quite the opposite. Sure, when they are babies and we are experiencing the series of "firsts" it is nothing but wonderful. The first time you hear "I love you mommy" your heart swells inside of your chest. The first time they give you a kiss without you asking for it, is momenumental.
The first time they tell you "I hate you"... cuts deep, like a sword straight through your heart.
You know that they don't mean it, but the words hurt. Deeply.
Even that doesn't prepare you for they day they simply STOP. Stop telling you, I love you. Stop giving you hugs and kisses. Stop wanting your attention and input. Stop wanting you to be around.
You start in a position where you are EVERYTHING to your child. You do everything for them. You are everything to them. Suddenly you feel like you are nothing. Then you begin to feel like you are their enemy.
I wanted nothing more than to have that relationship with my children that they would WANT to be with me, to be the cool mom that everyone loved. I realized quickly that I was failing at that role, as we entered the teenage years. I know that most of it is simply "growing up". One day my daughters will leave this house & cleave to their new husbands. These years of teenage angst and pushing us away is part of that "cutting the cord" process. They are creating distance between us so that they CAN leave. It will be easier on them. It will be easier on us.
I am also realizing that part of this is my fault. I was a young mom. I was a selfish mom. I didn't really understand the needs of a baby. I was the youngest in my family, I had no chance to watch my mom raise an infant. I read a few books, mostly about development and milestones. None really focused on the emotional and relational aspects. I was the first of my friends to get pregnant, so I didn't even had advice from anyone who was already going through it. I was thrust into motherhood, unprepared.
I distinctly recall with my first, encouraging her to be able to play on her own. I was an independent person, after all. I wanted to raise my daughter to be a strong independent woman. I was encouraging her to make her own decisions, to not need anyone else.
Including me.
My second child would be a very HIGH SPIRITED child. She was very needy, she required a LOT of my attention. But I wasn't prepared to give her as much as she needed. I would find myself in a place where I was sometimes just trying to get away from her. (This is not an easy admission for a mom). She was simply a LOT to handle. In fact, once we had her... the grandparents were not quite so eager to babysit the kids as they used to be. They would take the eldest... but leave her home.
Please don't judge them.
By my third, I was starting to get my act together. I attribute so much of my progress to joining a local MOPS group. I had a chance to see how other parented, biblical standards of parenting, and introduced to a SLEW of resources I didn't even know existed. I can say confidently a better mother now, than I ever was.
This is no way means that I neglected or didn't love my children. Far from the truth. But I certainly had a lot to learn and it took me 3 kids to figure it all out. Unfortunately a little to late. By this point my 1st was getting older, and at the time I am writing this... she is a teenager. I have seen the results of some of my poor parenting choices almost daily, until recently.
It was one day, when I got one of those deep cutting "I hate you" moments that I decided to make a change.
In retrospect, I would have spent a lot more time developing a relationship with my daughters from a very young age. My goal now is to look at each chance to interact with them as a blessing. Before I turn them away, I ask myself... will I regret this decision? I tend to stop what I am doing more now, and engage with them. And most of my responses of NO have become NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND & I set a time.
Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Proverbs 29:17 sounds so encouraging, doesn't it. I have yet to experience that. I tell my children all the time how much it hurts me to have to discipline them. I don't want this strain in our relationship. I don't want to have to hear them retort at me their hatred of me. I don't want to take away their fun. I don't want to "ruin their life". Yet, I do what I must... I am their mom, I love them, I want the best for them and I want them to grow into responsible God fearing women.
It all happened on lovely day, apply sarcasm here. A bad report card came home. It all hit the fan. I want you to understand that I do not expect perfection from my children. If their best is a C, then they have done their best & I can ask no more. I can only do the best I can to help them where they struggle. But when they are not willing to even try, when I see missing assignments.... This isn't your best. So, since this was a recurring problem, she was grounded. In our home that means no computer, no phone, no going anywhere. And so it began... the "I hate you" flung in my face, followed by a string of "I can't do better"... "I am stupid... just accept it"... "I don't care about my grades, or you"... a threat of running away was also in there at some point, but I knew it was just a threat. And my personal favorite argument "you don't understand what it is like...". Because, as you know, I went straight from being in elementary school to adulthood. I have no concept at all of being a "teen". (I am sure you are noting my sarcasm there, too.)
She went to school the next day. I went to the office supply store. It took several hundred post it notes and several sharpies to complete my vision. You see, I had decided to woo my daughter. I covered the 2 mirrored closet doors... ENTIRELY... with post it notes. Each one had something about her that I loved, respected or believed about her. I wanted her to know that I "see her". I wanted her to understand that "I get it". I wanted her to see her self through my eyes. I never wanted her to doubt my love again.
I was proud of myself. When she got home from school, she went in her room. I never heard a word about it. The next time I went in her room, they were gone. My heart was broken. It probably took her minutes to tear down this "wall of love" that I spent all day building. I felt defeated, but I didn't give up. I tried to figure out what her love language was. I bought her little random gifts, that showed I knew what things she was interested in. I would ask her to accompany me on errands. I'd try to hug or kiss her on the cheek, tell her I love her. I would praise her for the things she did well & I would purposely criticize less. I would do some of her chores while she was at school so that she could come home and relax (and not have to deal with her dad getting on her case about them). I could not figure this kid out.
In retrospect, I should have been doing this more often... and a lot sooner. It's easier to keep your child's heart than to try and win it back.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
The good news is that God's Word and His promises are always TRUE and DEPENDABLE.
I may have made some poor parenting decisions, but my foundations were solid. My children KNOW that I love them. I never let a day pass where I don't say it, at least once. (Which is a LOT more than I got as a child). I also never stop trying. She may be a teenager, and she may try to swat me away... but I still try to sneak in a kiss on her forehead or a bear hug.
I have also made the decision that I needed to verbally tell them that I was going to be a better mom. I was going to try harder & they were allowed to call me out when ever I was slipping.
I remember growing up, having a very strained relationship with my mom. I didn't want that with my own children. But to be honest, it was such a hard relationship... and I had heard so many stories about how you become the parent you were raised by, I didn't even want children of my own. I didn't want to be a mom, if it meant my relationship was going to be bad. (Of course now you will see tons of internet meme quotes saying "If you kid hates you, you are doing it right). Anyway, I didn't want kids. At all. Ever.
I have three.
One night, when we were talking about "God Stuff"... I said something to the effect of being eager for Jesus's return. And my daughter said, "But I want to get married and have kids".
She wants to be a mom.
I did something right.
Small victory, but I'll take it.
In retrospect, I realize that my mom was doing the best she could with the hand she was dealt. Our relationship is much better. And our relationship NOW constantly provides me with hope, of what will one day happen with my own daughters. Our relationship may change, for a time, but it will not always stay that way.
It was only recently (in just the last few months), I am starting to see this come to fruition.
She told me, albeit in response, that she loved me. On the phone. When she was with her friends.
She let me hug her, on more than one occasion.
She has been coming to me daily to talk about her friends, her boyfriend, and other random things.
And I hang on every word of it.
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