Today I received one of those calls you just never want to receive. Loosely quoted... "Has your daughter heard from mine at all today?".... my answer was no, as my daughter was still in school. "Why?" I asked..... "Because she is gone....."
"What do you mean she is gone.....?"
These are words that as a mother you never hope to utter. Here I was, on the other end of the phone... listening to my dear friend say them. I was in disbelief. It took me just a moment to process what I was hearing.
This was the teenager I would never have expected to do such a thing.
It goes to show that you can never truly understand what is going on in the mind of a teenager. They are entirely unpredictable.
It would take several hours, and a team of us driving around until she would be found. Instead of coming home when I got the news, I headed to their house. I was going to face this child, whom I love like my very own. On the one hand I just wanted to hug her & love on her, as I was so relieved she was home, safe and sound. On the other hand, I was angry at her for what she had done. I won't even lie, I just wanted to grab her and shake her, hoping to jostle some common sense in to that brain.
What she had done was dangerous. It was irresponsible. It was selfish. It was hurtful.....
But when I saw her, my heart was softened. I could tell she did feel remorse for her actions. I truly believe she couldn't really explain why she thought this was a good course of action. Instead of yelling at her, I cried, I hugged her, and I tried to understand. But, do not let that imply I didn't sternly reprimand her for her stupidity. Yes, stupidity.
Here is where the advice is going to come in....
I told her that I loved her. I told her that I understand that sometimes life gets hard, feels unfair and sometimes you just feel like you need to get away. But, she had more options. She could have called me, I would have come over & picked her up. She could have stayed with me until she cooled down.
Mothers, as much as we love our children and as much as we try to let them know that they can come to us about anything and everything... we hold a very particular role in our homes. We will always be mom. It is hard to come to mom & complain about mom. It is hard to come to the person who issued the punishment and tell them about how unfair it is (even when we know that we are in the wrong). I remember having the same feelings about my mom, I know my kids have felt that way about me at times too.
The reason it is hard is simply because in that moment, mom can't just sit and listen. Mom can't have sympathy or empathy for them. Instead mom will take that moment to continue the lectures or explain for the hundredth time why we made the decision we did. Sure, mom will couple it with "I love you" and even the fantastic cliche of "I am only doing this because I DO care". But, that doesn't make them feel better. Sometimes they just need someone to say, I understand. I understand you don't think it is fair, I understand that you are frustrated right now. Let's go get some ice cream & cool down a bit. They need someone they can call on in these moments, someone they can trust and someone that will give them sage advice (when they are ready to hear it).
I thought I had done a good job of putting myself into this role with my friend's daughter. It's come up in the conversations of the past. However, I realize now, that I have not built that relationship up as she has grown. I haven't proven myself. I haven't proven this trust. I haven't proven this dependability to her. I waited until she blew her stack to remind her that I was an option for her in these moments.
I need to make a point of building up that relationship, between her and I. So that she knows I am a safe & dependable option for those moments when she just wants to flee. I failed. And my heart was broken with worry, fear and panic today.
As your children grow, it is important to have good peer friendships for them, a good crew of BFFs. We all do it, encouraging the friendships we want to flourish and grow. But do not forget to have a "mentor" in place. An older teen, college age or adult friend who is put into you child's life... not just because they are YOUR friend, but to become someone your child can depend on & come to when they fear they cannot come to you. It is a strategic move to put more positive influences in your child's life, resources for them to draw from, and a safe place for them to fall.
When you have found that person (or persons) for your child, encourage them to have some one on one time together. Aid that friendship and bond in it's growth, encourage them to talk to each other, and make time for their relationship. Do not allow yourself to grow jealous over their relationship. It's not better than your relationship with your child, it's different. VERY different.
And then... when you have done this for your child.... BECOME THIS role for someone else.
It just may keep the phone from ringing.... and hearing those words.... or worse, uttering them yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment