It has been exactly one month since my last blog entry. That is enough time to kill a blog, sending it to the internet cemetery. For those who are wondering "where did she go"... or "what happened to her posts"... I offer this explanation: I am trying to be a better wife. The wife that my husband deserves. The wife I should have been all along. And, for those who share my beliefs... I am trying to be the woman that God has called me to be.
Scripture references the wife as a helpmeet, but honestly that wouldn't be a term that applied to me entirely. I was designed by God, or if you are not a believer... I was entrusted within my vows, to be a partner, sharing in the load and in fact often taking more of the burden upon myself in order to lighten the load of the person I supposedly love more than anyone else on the planet.
But, in total admission, my actions were hardly such.
Over the years I have had bouts of selfishness, moaning over the sacrifices I have made to be a stay at home mom. I have belly ached about having to "to it all" in regards to raising our children. I have probably bullied my husband on more than one occasion to make a certain decision, or take a certain course of action. I am far from the perfect wife. I definitely fell short of being put on any sort of pedestal.
Now, however, I am really trying.
For the past several years I have been researching and teaching others about Proverbs 31's "Wife of Noble Character". This has been having a profound impact on me, and how I see my marriage. I have been taking small steps over the past few years. I have been trying, but sometimes it is hard to not give into my flesh.
I do not want to do the laundry.
I do not want to clean the house.
I do not want to do the bed time routine one more night.
I do not want to make dinner.
I do not want to ferry the kids around places.
I do not want to be intimate with my husband according to his needs or desires.
I do not want to wait to save up the money for things that I want now.
I do not want to take money from my business, that I worked hard for, to put into the family.
I was selfish. I was being lazy. I was being unreliable. I was being uncaring. I was being a horrible wife. I was being a less than stellar mom.
Now, don't get me wrong... just because I didn't WANT to do them doesn't mean that these things didn't get DONE. But my heart and my attitude about doing them certainly didn't reflect love, but instead reflected obligation and I was definitely not a mirror of Christ in my life to others.
I wanted a new wardrobe, for the whole family. I didn't want to put the extra work into sorting the laundry more piles based on their labels, to put the time into pre-treating stains or repairing rips and tears. I didn't want to do it RIGHT. I wanted to do it FAST.
Proverbs 22:29: “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.” (KJV)
I wanted a house that was bigger & better. I didn't want to get rid of excess, I just wanted more space to hold the unnecessary things we had. That was my solution. And, since my solution wasn't being met, the best way to illustrate the need was to have daily reminders as we saw the piles building each day. I worried about the most visible places, letting the rest ride longer between cleanings. I cared more about what others thought about me, than my own family. I did the bare minimum, and dared to complain that it was too much & implying that more space would solve everything.
Luke 16:10 "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." (NIV)
I wasn't diligent in my business.
I wasn't trustworthy with little.
I realized that God wouldn't bless us with "more" of anything, if we were not 1) content with what we had and 2) responsible and a good steward with what we had.
I started making small changes years ago. I was on my way to becoming more fiscally responsible (in saving and in spending). I started to take better care of the home, of myself and of the kids.
Time passes quickly and it is hard to fall back into old habits.
Something that recently occurred to me was that I had been studying Proverbs 31 to become a better wife, because that is what God called of me. But it really wasn't until quite recently that I realized it was more than that. I had neglected to consider all the things my husband had sacrificed and his daily struggles to allow me to be home with our kids, to put the roof over our head and all of the ways he put the children and I ahead of himself.
So how did this impact the "blog". Franky it was the decision that before I took on another task, putting a new entry on my calendar, I needed to make things right with my husband. Which must start from within. I had to make my heart right.
I love my husband dearly, but I don't think I have done a great job of letting him know how much I appreciate him & the life he has given me. It was time to make some changes. It was time to take my earnings and put them into the house and family, just as he did. I had to lose the notion that this earned money was "mine", yet his earned money was "ours". If there was something I really wanted, and wanted it sooner vs. later... I had to be willing to put the work into making that happen.
I had to let go of some of the frustration and resentment that my earned money was used to float the family during the months he was home recovering. And, I especially needed to rid myself of the notion that I needed to be "paid back" once he had returned to work.
I had to respect the home that he provides us with, by taking care of it. Putting it ahead of my hobbies and phone calls. Walking into a home that is clean, creates a sense of peace that helps my husband unwind and leave his work worries at the door. When he leaves chaos (work) and comes home to chaos, it makes the day harder for him.
I had to recognize that if it were not for me & the children, my husband would be living a completely different life. I know he would NOT have the job he does at the moment. He would do something he loves, for a lot less money, and a lot less stress. He would also be able to spend his earnings entirely on his own wants and desires, instead of putting ours ahead of his own. How ungrateful I am when I whine and complain about what I don't have & what I have given up.
The changes for me had to start within.
I want to be a better wife.
I want to make his home a place of peace and refuge.
I want to ease his burden.
I want to prepare foods that nourish and reenergize him.
I want to have his clothing, home and children presentable.
I want him to never question my love, devotion or care for him.
I want him to stand before his peers, and be held in high esteem.
I want him to be proud of me.
I want him to feel confident that in his absence, I will tend to the home & family just as he would.
I want him to trust me and depend on me.
I want him to know that he & our family are my priority over my own desires.
I want to be my best for him, and assure him that I appreciate him.
He deserves nothing less.
In the near 9 months that my husband was home recovering from surgery, we certainly began a journey that would have a huge impact on our marriage. But it was until very recently when my heart began to change due to my desires vs. necessity... that I really began to "get it".
My marriage is better each day. My family is better each day.
I am leaving the nagging behind.
I am grasping appreciation for my blessings.
I am becoming a good steward and building responsibility and confidence in my home.
I am stepping out of my comfort zone.
I am changing my relationship with my family daily, improving it.
You see, often in our marriages when things are less than perfect... it is easy to point at others and view their mistakes, their failures, how they disappoint, etc. We use these things as justifications to NOT do what we know we should be. We forget how blessed we are.
When we stop and look at ourselves, asking this question ... "How am I accountable in this situation?"... our eyes begin to open. When we make the decision to see our spouse through the eyes that they are good willed, loving people, who do so much for us, our heart begins to open. When we recognize the things we need to do to rectify our obstacles, our minds begin to open. Suddenly it becomes less about what they are doing/not doing and we see and understand our own selves and our own motivations more clearly.
I did.
I was ashamed.
But, I am trying. It's getting better.
Every day, when I wake up in the morning, it is one more change to get it right.
I think it is fair to say that my husband wouldn't say I was a perfect wife. Yet, I know that he recognizes the difference. Because he tells me so, and then I feel more appreciated.
It creates a circle of love, support and encouragement. His response to my actions, only makes me want to do more.
I may not have been posting about my pursuit of the Proverbs 31 Woman, but I had not abandoned it. I was simply busy doing it vs. thinking about it.
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