We all know marriage isn't easy. If it was, we'd have less divorce. If it was, we'd have people flocking to marriage vs.running from it. When you grow up with a positive image of marriage, you realize that despite marriage being hard it is very rewarding. You know that the good times will out number the bad. You will understand the meaning of commitment, you will work to improve yourself and your relationship. You will prioritize your spouse over yourself. You will also learn to replicate this in your own home. When both spouses come from homes that had successful marriages, it is a LOT easier to have the same for themselves. Why?
1) They understand that it is POSSIBLE.
2) They witness the WORK that their parents put into it.
3) They TRUST that it is worth it for the long haul, especially their kids.
I have never understood the people who stay married for the kids, and as soon as their kids are moved out of the house... they divorce. Do they not think that their divorce will impact their children? Do they not wonder if the children will look back on their childhood as a lie? That everything they saw their parents doing, everything they heard them say... was just a show?
I don't fall in to either of these categories, nor does my husband. We both come from divorced families, and in both of our cases both parents would remarry (sometimes several times). However, we do have one big difference. In the case of my husband, his parents would each remarry and the marriages would be lengthy, and the majority of the life he had a step parent. He has had very few years where in each home, there was not a father and mother figure. In fact, my husband is still close to his step-father today, even though his mother passed over 6 years ago. They are actually closer.
I, on the other hand, have spent more time with a single parent, only counting a few years of actually having a step parent present in my life. Most of which, I don't even remember. The most influential person brought into my life, was a man my mother would have married. Sadly, he passed away. My father did remarry, I was practically an adult and he thousands of miles away. To this day, I have only seen her in person once.
My husband, despite coming from a divorced family, still had a fairly good representation of marriage. He understood the roles of the husband and the wife. He understood the dynamics of people living together. He understood the concepts of compromise, sacrifice, spousal love, etc.
In my case, I really had no concept. My mother had custody of us. She was mostly single, her marriages didn't last long. I had no comprehension of what it was like to have to compromise... my mom was in charge. She made the decisions. End of story. There were no dinner table conversations about how to handle anything. I didn't even have an idea of what was acceptable PDA (public displays of affection) in front of children. I didn't know how to be "romantic" in my home, when there we peering eyes of children. I never witnessed my mom flirting with my dad, or my dad chasing her around the kitchen. There was no playful banter. There were also no arguments that had to be resolved. I didn't understand conflict resolution at all. I was handicapped when I came into my marriage, emotionally and literally. I didn't know how.
In the literal sense, I was handicapped is most senses of the word. I didn't know how to cook. I didn't know how to clean (not REAL cleaning). I didn't understand budgeting. I didn't grasp the roles my husband and I would have in the home. I didn't know how to physical respond, or what the expectations would be. I didn't realize how much my life would change.
In the emotional sense, I was handicapped.. much like the child who didn't like physical affection, who doesn't know how to relate, who wanted everything my way and demanded it so. But more so, I was emotionally untrusting of "marriage". I wondered when it would be that my marriage would end. I was anticipating it. Things would get tough, he would leave, then I would do what my mom did. I didn't realize at the time that I was actually pushing him out the door.
I honestly can't recall a specific thing I did, I just know... deep down... that I was guarded, waiting for the shoe to drop; and I emotionally kept myself at a distance so it wouldn't hurt so bad when it happened. You can't tell me that won't affect your marriage on it's own. Perhaps things were tough, and perhaps he found me difficult, and perhaps he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. I wasn't making it any easier.
I just knew I wasn't going to be the one to take that first step. I wouldn't ask for a divorce. But, I'd sign the papers if he brought them to me. I attribute that to my deep inner desire to never fail at anything. It is easy to be blinded and blame it on the other person...all the while, you are pushing and pushing. I had played the scenario out in my head many times. I also complained a LOT to my mother about him. I think I was prepping her to be on my side, edging her to think the worst of him, and even preparing her to come to my rescue when the time came.
While all of this was going on, interestingly enough, my faith journey was really just beginning. I was growing closer to God.. and over time I would begin to realize that I wasn't being a good wife. I wasn't responding to my marriage how God would have wanted me to. I wasn't respecting my marriage covenant. To divorce my husband would be breaking my vow to God. I was going to try and make it better.
It would be in that attempt, I would come to fall in love with the Proverbs 31 Woman. I wanted to be that. I tried. I failed. But, I didn't give up.
It would take several more years of trying, failing and not giving up. I would have moments where I felt like I was the only one trying. Criticizing my husband for what he wasn't doing. The sacrificing he wasn't making. It wasn't working.
What I did realize was the my husband was still there. He had every good reason to leave me years ago, but he didn't.
- He was dedicated to his marriage
- He was dedicated to his children
- He was dedicated to God, even if not in the way I wanted him to be.
Admission: I spent a LOT of time trying to be my husband's holy spirit. Bad plan.
I dug further into the Proverbs 31 Woman... and I began to GET IT. It wasn't about all the things listed in the scripture that she did. It was about her relationship with God, her "fear of the Lord that was worthy of praise".... THAT WAS THE KEY!
The more I dug into it, I realized my story would be different. Proverbs 31 was not a check list. It was inspiration. It was hope. It was confidence. It was affirmation. It was everything I didn't think it was going to be.
Over the last several years, my marriage has come to a place where it is better than it ever was. When my husband was having the first of two major surgeries... my fear of losing him bubbled to the surface and the love I had for this man was overflowing. I couldn't really handle it. My faith in God to provide for us in this time was strengthened. For the next 8 months, while he would be home recovering, we would learn to depend on each other in ways we had never needed to prior. And, we are all the better for it.
I am still learning to be a better wife. I still fail. I still keep on trying. I am less focused on what I think he needs to be doing, and more focused about what I need to be doing. How can I be a better wife? How can I be a better mother? How can I keep a better house? How can I show him how much I appreciate everything he does for us? How can I show him that I love him? How can I become that woman, that he praises at the city gates?
It starts with:
1) Strengthening your relationship with God & praying for his influence in your marriage.
Matthew 19:4-6
Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
2) Look at yourself & your role in the marriage. Are you doing your part?This article sums it up nicely: The Wife's Role in Marriage
3) Refusal to keep score, count wrongs, hold grudges, nag, and all those things that create division.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
4) Choose to not only see, but recognize, his very best attributes. Keep them on the forefront of your mind.
Ephesians 4:2
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.
In retrospect: Had I turned to God sooner, had I made the realization faster that I can't be my husband's holy spirit, had I determined to focus on myself, and had I allowed my walls to YEARS ago... maybe we would have reached this place sooner. Either way, I couldn't be happier in my marriage. I don't expect anything more than who my husband is, the way God created him. I love him, and extend him grace... the same way, I would want him to do for me.
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