When I was growing up, we were not really given chores in the sense of a regular occurring responsibility in the home. My grandmother was a "do it yourself, so it gets done right" kind of woman. My mother definitely embraced the mentality that kids are only kids for a short time, and will have a lifetime of responsibilities. That doesn't mean we sat around and did nothing, but she wanted us to enjoy our childhood. The expectations on us were to go to school, get good grades, clean our room when she told us to, and then to do the random things she would ask of us. It was sort of an "as needed basis" expectation.
In memory I can really only recall having to do things like move a load of wash into the dryer, or put the trash out. I honestly don't recall her ever asking me to wash any dishes or clean up the house. There were times I did it "just because", but I won't lie... that was rare. Like the time I made dinner for her on Mother's Day, and left all the clean up for her. We can both laugh at it now, and I am sure at the time she appreciated the thought behind it. But, I realize, that my attempt to do something nice (make dinner) actually created more work for her in the end. At least she knows my heart was in the right place.
In retrospect, I have realized that you need to find the balance between both. Allowing your children to have a manageable chore list that doesn't consume their day, yet helps them contribute to the family in a tangible way. I once read a suggestion that you should give your child one chore for every year in age. That is fine and dandy when they are 3, but once they hit 16? This is a child who is already going to be overloaded with high school work, social or sport obligations, etc. Expecting them to also complete 16 chores each week is a bit much. I want my children to know how to relax and have down time.
Everything I knew about cleaning the home was something I really witnessed, more than actual practice. Sure, I took Home Eec at school. I can sew on a button in record time. I learned to cook meals from recipes. I can still follow directions perfectly. I understand WHY we cleaned, and what we USED to clean, but I really was never taught HOW to clean in Home Ec. From watching my grandmother, I had a lot of questions. Such as: Why on Earth would she wash the walls once a month? and my personal favorite from that time period Why is Grandma raking the carpet?
These were things I just didn't understand and thought that perhaps my grandmother was a little OCD.
In retrospect, now that I have children, I absolutely understand why she would wash the walls down once a month. And yes, you will even find me doing it every now and again. Not monthly, but several times a year.
My mother was very busy, she was a single mom supporting three children. She sometimes had more than one job. For much of these years, it was simply a matter of getting it done. She would have her methods that wouldn't make sense to me, but she was maximizing her time as efficiently as possible.
In retrospect, now that I have my own busy life, I can see the need to develop your own system that works to get the job done.
Unfortunately, when I first became a wife and parent, I began as a micromanager. I bought into my grandmother's mentality that it was easier to do it right the first time, my way, and get out of my way while I do it.
In retrospect, I realize that by doing this they will not learn HOW to do anything. I am not equipping them for adulthood. I am setting them up to have to fumble through some of this on their own, just like I did. This is hard for me, as allowing them to do it does not always mean it will be done the way I want it done. I have had to learn to bend and compromise. As long as it is done, I need to not care that they did it in their own way.
When you have this mentality to do it yourself, the right way... and then you add in the idea that "kids should be kids" like my mom felt... you will suddenly find yourself doing everything. You will resent those who do not offer to help (because you don't ask, you want them to offer). You get angry when you ask them to do something and they don't do it in your time frame (because you have never given them reason to). You feel unappreciated as they get older and still expect you to do everything (because you have taught them that you want to do it yourself anyway). You get tired of doing the chores and tending the home (because you have been doing it alone for umpteen years and you are just over it).
In retrospect, I realize that I should have involved them more. I should have had some expectations in place. I should have never allowed it to get to the place of resentment or anger. I should have asked more often. But, I also realize that this is the role I have chosen and most of this comes with the job. I can't give it all away.
I have been learning to do a better job,every year I have improved over the year before. In part it is because I am finally at a place where I accept that this is the role I have chosen, and that the most difficult years (cleaning up toys, spills on the ground, etc) are quickly passing me by. Soon finding a toy in the house will be like trying to find a unicorn. My life will resemble Toy Story 3.
I have also begun to find contentment in my life. It is really hard to WANT to clean that house or apartment that you think is too small. It is hard to want to take care of the hand me down furniture. Why bother vacuuming the couch now that your child took a sharpie marker to it. It is very difficult to muster the motivation to clean your child's room when you know in 15 minutes it's going to be destroyed again. It is easy to give up. It is easy to fall into a trap that NEW will make it better. A new storage system will keep their room clean. RIGHT? A bigger house will give you more room and storage and things won't get so messy. REALLY? A new house or piece of furniture will create more motivation to keep it clean because it is new vs. that dingy old hand me down that you don't care about. ABSOLUTELY?
In retrospect, I realized that more space means more stuff. I realized that you can buy all the organization tools in the world, but if you don't use them... then you won't get it done and you wasted your money. I realized that new doesn't make it better, because nothing stays NEW. Not unless it is the formal living room set you bough for the sitting room that no one is allowed to sit on, unless you have guests over... and you never have guests over.
What I had to realize was that I had to be content with the life I had. I had to appreciate the things I had. But I also realized that I needed to tend to and care for what I already had before God would bless me with something bigger and better.
Now, the funny thing is... I don't want bigger. I don't want better. I want only what I need and works for me now.
I had the opportunity to the clean the house of woman, it was a one time gig, who had a MUCH bigger home than I did. I thought it would be super easy because she didn't have kids, didn't have pets, was rarely home. It too FOREVER. Sure there was no grime to clean up. There wasn't a ton of pet hair stuck to everything. She just had a lot of rooms, with general stuff in it. I wouldn't call it cluttered, or even say that she had too much stuff in the house. Not at all. In fact she had a regular cleaning person (I was just helping out temporarily). But, there was just so much to wipe down and polish.
I came home that night and told my husband I didn't want a bigger house. Ever.
I also began ridding my home of a lot of unnecessary things that were eating up my time and my energy. Last night I needed to clean the guest bathroom and main living areas of the house and I mean CLEAN it. Polish the furniture, wipe down the kitchen cabinets, etc. I had the whole thing done, including mopping within about an hour. That was nice. Really nice. I still have a lot to go in the kids rooms and such. But getting to the place of "less is more" is freeing. Less = more time. Less = more energy. Less = more space.
In retrospect, I should have realized a lot sooner that the solution to too much stuff, too much to clean... was NOT buying MORE stuff. There is never going to be enough containers or room for storage when you keep getting more. I should have begun purging a long, long time ago. I am finding so much more peace in my life having LESS. And since I have less, I need less. And since I am content about it, I don't find myself wanting.
What it comes down to is being happy with what I have been blessed with, and finding joy. And that starts with a purposeful change in MY attitude.
Tending the home is important, it is my job and I want to do it well. Not just for my family, but for myself. When my children talk about their childhood, I don't want them to remember chaos and clutter, but sitting around the table and playing board games. I want them to find a level of responsibility of caring for what belongs to us. I want to teach them how, so they are equipped when they are starting their own households. I also want them to be able to look back and remember having fun and hanging out, not being a workhorse.
In retrospect, I could have been a better keeper of the home. In present day, I am working on improving. My goal is to teach my children, make my home happier for all who live in it, and not be so bogged down in cleaning and caring for stuff... that I miss out on life.
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