Is Your Soap Box Too Big

 

“It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.”    Acts 15:19

Recently, I was reading a blog series called “The Homemaking Pharisee” and a portion jumped off the screen at me. The author had a subject matter she was overtly passionate about, it was purely her opinion... but she had allowed it to become gospel to her. It had become an idol. Because of this, people were unwilling to talk to her or include her in discussions about the topic. Finally someone brought this to her attention. Her response: “I do not want to be that person who no one can talk to about that subject because my soap box is just too big.”.

  Some well meaning Christians can trip into being just like the Pharisees! We can get wrapped up in things we are passionate about or where God has called us & try to make everyone else apply that in their lives. A strong Christian can easily chuck those things right off their shoulders. We know what The Word says. But for a new believer, we can create unrealistic expectations. We can make ourselves seem so “holy” that they will fear even speaking to us!  And, when people start fearing talking to us... they can quickly disappear from our lives, our studies and our church.

Lord, I pray that you will reveal to me the areas where I have allowed my pride to get before my witness. Help me to soften my heart and my attitude to those around me. Let me speak your truth, not my own. Amen.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In the World

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world, but that you protect them from the evil one.
John 17:15

There was a time in my early adulthood, I had to walk away from my friends. All of them. They were not good influences on me. When I had made some decisions in my life to change the path I was going down, they were not supportive. I knew at that time in my life, this was not working. I had to walk away. I had to surround myself with those who would lift me up, encourage me & help me stay on the straight and narrow.

In time, I would begin to surround myself with Christians who shared the same convictions. I would grow stronger in my faith. At first it was all very serious, bible studies, church fellowship. We were not having “fun” in the same sense as I did before. I can't deny that I missed having fun with my friends. Eventually, I found myself within a group of Christian women who were having FUN. We were laughing until the tears started flowing, we were dancing the night away, celebrating holidays with each other. Creating memories & filling that void in the “FUN” department that I had been longing for.

As I was putting myself back out in the world, I started making non-Christian friends too. We would have a good time together as well. But, admittedly I kept them separate. Let's face it, they didn't always use the best language and would sometimes have pretty liberal views on politics, religion and life in general. After several years, I decided I was going to have a small gathering of my friends. I had invited one of my non-Christian friends to attend. Unfortunately at the last minute, she had to cancel. But she said something I will never forget... “Gena, I am so disappointed that I couldn't come and meet the rest of your friends. I adore you, and you are such a great person...I am sure your other friends are too. I wish I could have met them. If they are anything like you, I bet they are lovely.” She was wanting to surround herself with more people like me. What made me different than any of her other friends or acquaintances? Christ.

She saw me as a Christian woman, who cared about people, was a dedicated wife and mother, but she also saw that I was fun to be around. She heard me, when I spoke about my failures and imperfections. She heard me, when I talked about striving to do and be better. Every conversation wasn't a deep theological debate. I wasn't trying to spend every waking moment of our friendship trying to convert her. I was simply being a good friend, who loved her, cared about her, and was there for her. As a natural part of our friendship... God entered the picture. If she was going to get to know me, it wasn't something that could be avoided. The more she go to know me, the more she desired to know more people that were like me.

God doesn't want us to surround ourselves with only other Christians. If we do that, we can't reach those who do not know Him. We have no influence on the world. We are not light in the darkness. However, we don't walk out into the world without His protection. We wear the Armor of God. We understand His love for us, and His desires for us to follow His word. We pray for His protection. We stand firm in our convictions. It is His spirit within us, that draws others to us. We are just the vessel.

A challenge my husband presented me with was to each day pray to God asking Him to make me a vessel in the course of my day.  Asking Him to give me the right words, at the right moment.  Sometimes we have a once in a life time opportunity to reach a person, other times it is slow through the course of building a relationship. 

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

A broken mug

As a whole I am not a sentimental person.  I do however have a few possessions that I value because they are my favorite.  One is my gigantic Eeyore coffee mug.  I have had it longer than I can remember, it holds nearly a whopping 3 cups of coffee.  It is the best.

Or it was.

A few nights ago, just as I was leaving from a meeting.... I got a text from my teenager.

"I broke your Eeyore coffee mug.  It slipped out of my hands.  I couldn't catch it."

My immediate response was "Are you ok?"

She replied, "Yes."

And then I said "That is all that matters.  It's just a cup.  You are more important."

Now you are probably wondering what is so remarkable about this reasonable response. It is remarkable because it is a new one for me.  Not that long ago, I would have certainly been concerned for my child's welfare....but I would have been volcanic about it being broken.

My normal response would have been...

Why are you using my cup?

This is why you shouldn't touch things that are not yours!

There are 100 cups in the house, why did you have to use mine?

This is why I never buy anything nice!

Does any of this response sound familiar to you?

Just a few months ago, I was reminded of the anniversary of my friend's daughter passing.

She was a spunky 8 year old, who was living her life to the fullest, and defying odds every day she was on this earth.  They were told to abort her, that she would never make it out of the hospital.  Yet she graced this earth for 8 wonderful years, touching the hearts of many, and paving a way for children who have her same condition to live a longer life.

How could I be upset over a stupid coffee cup, when I have a friend mourning the absence of such a prominent figure in her life?

I'd break and throw away everything in my house that has any value to me.... in order to keep my kids here with me.  I know heaven is great.... but I'm going be selfish on this one.

When I got home, my husband confessed to me that she was a wreck over having telling me.  Her sisters had chided her with the standard "mom is going to be mad, you are going to be in so much trouble".  In fact, I believe I heard something about them vying over which one of them was going to tattle on her.  I also think that is why she texted me.  She knew she wanted to tell me first.  But, she also was so worried about response, the text was safe.  I'd have time to cool down before I got home. 

I told him, I was glad she was brave enough to tell me.  Even if by text.  She could have easily tried to hide it or fix it.  We've all seen the sitcoms based on just this scenario.

Funny how 15 years into this thing called "motherhood" and I am just starting to figure it all out.

Or, maybe not.  Apparently I need to have a conversation about tattling again.

Transparency

I am a fairly transparent person, always have been.  To the point, that my mom wouldn't allow me to open gifts in front of people.  I wasn't rude.  She said you could read it on my face.

When I am happy, you know it.
When I am sad, you know it.
When I am angry.... um, yeah.... it's obvious.

When I speak, I say exactly what I mean.  I don't mince words.  There is no hidden subtext or agenda.  A question is just a question.  Nothing more than my settling my own curiosity.  If I have an issue with the situation or your answer, then I will speak my mind.  If I say nothing more, that means your answer satisfied my curiosity.

I also generally have an "agree to disagree" personality.  Which is why I can be friends with people who have different opinions than I do.... politics, religion, etc.  I don't mind if you have a differing opinion.  What I do have a problem with is when a person is expressing an opinion as fact, or that is 100% in accurate.

Recently someone very close to me hurt me very deeply.  Her comments stung not because of any conviction on my part... but because someone who I thought was so close to me would say something so horrible.... and untrue.

What also upset me was that this person was standing firmly in their righteous indignation, to the point of passing judgment upon others & expecting them to take this criticism .... totally unapologetic..... yet was the first person to throw a complete and total tantrum if someone where to dare correct her.

It brought me to this question:

Do we really want true authentic, transparent friendships?

Or do we really want a one way glass....where the other is transparent and we can pick them apart but yet our flaws are totally concealed to them, leaving us beyond reproof.

Depression....

Depression.... an old foe.  Something that I try to ignore and get past.  Something that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again, to pull the carpet out from underneath me.

It found me yesterday.  Born from anger, fed by disappointment, leaving me lying on the couch waving my white flag.

It exposed my lonliness.
It revealed my unfulfilled longing.
It rubbed my heart raw.
It ensnared my thoughts turning them against me.

It proved to me all my suspicions to be true.
It broke me.

It said..... You have no real friends, not true ones who you can really count on.
It said..... They talk about you behind your back, spreading lies and misinformation.
It said..... They look down on you & think you are not worthy.
It said..... They think you are a bad parent.
It said..... They think you are a bad Christian.

It spoke in quiet whispers in my head.
It spoke in booming words from my own lips as I repeated the thoughts it planted.

It brought me to a place of simply just wanting to leave.  To find somewhere new to live, to pick up the family and just move.  Go elsewhere.  Leave it all behind.

It brought me to a place that said forget everything that you enjoy doing, just stay home with your family.... they are the only ones who care anyway.

It also brought me to my knees.  Praying to God to reveal what lesson there is all that is going on in my life.  What can I learn here?  Why do I feel so disconnected?  Where are you moving me Lord?

You see... when Depression shows up on the doorstep.... I try hard to not let it in.  But sometimes that door gets opened, despite how much I push it closed.  And like an unwanted house guest, I entertain it for a while.  And then, when I have had enough .... I send it packing.



Depression doesn't own me.  It doesn't define me.  It can't steal my hope, or my joy.  There will be trials in this life.

.... I can overcome those things.

Because God is bigger, better, dependable and gracious.

He promises a hope and a future, not harm.

I hold to His promises.  His word never fails.

IS IT ME?

Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends.  When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out.  I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on.  By college, I didn't care about friendship at all.  I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.

Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends.  When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends.  I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children.  But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done.  My youngest was the age of their oldest.  Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about.  I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training.  The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.

Then I started making some new friends.  A little here and there.  Things were looking good.  But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change.  One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess.  Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it.  And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were.  I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening.  I told my husband the whole bit.  I told him I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving.  I was the same person I always way.  I hadn't changed.  But it seemed like they did and were changing.  I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way.  I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.

He said... "Maybe it IS you."

I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right.  I asked him to expound on it.  He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it.  I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser.  I shared what was going on.  I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions.  I shared how these people were responding.  I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.

One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women?  IT IS YOU.

I was changing.  Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.

What was changing?

- I wanted more authentic relationships with people.  I was done with superficial face time talk.  I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships.  Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.

In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life".  The answer was, nothing.  It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her.  Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath.  I couldn't just say something, always it was read into.  It was unhealthy.  It brought me no good.  When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."

He was right.  It was over.

In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different.  There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life.  She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her.  So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.

The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too.  This was not just my imagination.  The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me.  When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does.  I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I explained that it was never my intention.

While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings.  For that I am sorry. 

Now the balls sits in her court.

I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.

As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close.  I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck.  Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.

I have an amazing family and an amazing God.

Stop Giving Money Power

When I was younger, we grew up with very little money.  While I wouldn't call us poor, we were not  middle class.  I never went without electricity, but I can recall meals were sometimes an issue.  For example, I can recall digging in the couch & car looking for enough change to buy 2 50c tacos from Taco Bell and a $1 soda to split with my mom.  I can remember when she started dating again, she would only eat 1/2 of her meal and bring the rest home for me as my dinner.

Things eventually got better as my siblings moved out of the house.  But, this time period had a distinct impression on me.

Money was important.

I didn't know much about what I wanted to do with my future, other than the fact I wanted to do something that would make me a lot of money.  Money meant power to me.  Power to control your future.  Power to have whatever you wanted in life.  The more money I had, that more I could do.

I remember getting my first real job, after graduating high school.  One of the first things I did was "establish credit" by opening up a credit card account at a local store.  After several months of buying things and paying off my bill, I was upgraded to a gold card.  This made me feel so very important, like I had achieved some sort of status.

I got older, married, had a baby and became a stay at home mom.

I watched as our monthly income dwindled to down & things got harder.

I had lost power.

Power to get whatever I wanted, financially.
Power to make decisions on what I bought, since my husband was providing the income.
Power to go further in life, a loss of status.

Or, so I thought.

I had given money so much power, that without it I felt lost.  I didn't think I had anything.  And prospects.  Any future.  Then I started doing whatever I could to attain that power again.  I was trying to figure out ways to bring in money.

Over the years we would be brought to humbleness in regards to our money.  We almost lost our home.  Something had changed in me, by that point.

My husband and I began taking a class called "Financial Peace University" at a local church.  Over the course of the study, I realized how little power money actually had.  I stopped allowing money (how much or how lack there of) to define who I was or how my life would be lived.

My emotional attachment to the need of money was gone.

It was easier to give money away, to those who were in need.
It was easier to spend it on my kids and not complain about my "sacrifices" for the family.
When something broke that was an expensive repair, I didn't worry.  It was just money.  Pieces of paper sitting around, with the purpose of being spent for just this very thing.

And if we had to go without for a while, that was ok too.

You see once I took the power away from money, it wasn't important to me at all.

What did become important was what I was doing with that money.

I didn't care so little about it that I would waste it, I simply recognized that while money had no power ... I did.  God did.

Money doesn't solve our problems.  It either makes the bigger, or simply gives us different ones.  People with a lot of money are not happier.  They are not exempt from the troubles in this life.

Some of the happiest people are those who have a lot less money, but a lot more quality in their lives.