When we are in school, and really quite often all the way through college years, we develop extraordinarily tight friendships. Spending every waking minute with each other is not out of the norm. If we were not with each other in person, we were on the phone with each other. We didn't need to make plans for the weekend, that was a given. The only decisions that needed to be made was exactly where we were going.
In fact in my first round of college (I got married, had my first, and then returned to college), I had a friend who actually inherited a house. It was a given that as soon as everyone was done with their classes, we'd all meet there. This was every night. Seven days a week. The only interruption was having to actually go to work or study for exams.
Due to many reasons (which will be saved for another post), I had to walk away from these friends. It was the right decision for me, in the long run, and I don't regret it. When I returned to college several years later, even being the married lady with a kid, I still had a tight nit group of friends. Sure, I was not with them every second, but @ least on campus we were always together. Since I didn't live in the dorms, I missed out on a lot of the evening and weekend activities. It was apparent that they had better relationships with the on campus friends. But, I was ok with that.
After college, we all went our separate ways. They were young and single. They were chasing their dreams. I was grounded, married with now a second child. I was still navigating my way through following my dreams. I just had a different path. Over the next years, I would find myself getting really envious. You see, their friendships had remained intact. They would visit each other, sleeping on each others couches. They were part of, or at least invited to, each others weddings and baby births and other special events. I wasn't included in any of them. Even the local ones.
I realized even more than ever, that I was not as close to them as I thought I was. By the time we had our third child, I was now living in a new city. I was desperate for friends. I also was having a hard time making any of them. I joined a MOPS group, but I am not going to lie... it was more for me and less for my kids. I was looking for coffee and lunch dates, maybe a girls night out. They were looking for playdates for the kids while the moms got to chat.
Admittedly it took some time for me to get beyond pleasantries at each week's meeting and actually forming real friendships. Please do not misinterpret that these women were not amazing women, they were and are. They really cared about me & I really cared about them. But many of them already had their circle of friendships, and there wasn't that much room for one more. Plus, they were all just starting out. They may have been a MOPS with their first born. And if this was their 2nd or 3rd, their older children were still very young. I came in with older kids. It was hard to participate in the summer activities, because my eldest didn't want to do the things appropriate for the toddlers and I had no one to watch her while I took the younger two.
As for girls night out, these moms were not as available. They were either breastfeeding, so they needed to be accessible to the baby. Or, they needed to be home early. I was looking for that mom, who was interested in the 10pm coffee after the kids were in bed. Things began to get more difficult when my husband's work schedule changed & I could no longer count on what days he would be home, or even what time.
Now, all three of my kids are in school. I have my days free. I can meet anyone for lunch. But of course, they need to find a baby sitter. Or, their child needs to come with them. Which, I am totally ok with. But, it's not the same. I had one friendship that I thought was really strong, and I have watched it dwindle away. I have other friendships that I had to set boundaries on, because they were unhealthy. And, I have a new friendship that is blooming. One I would have never expected.
Recently I was able to have a lunch date with a friend, and we were talking about friendships. What I realized was that I was entering a new phase in friendships. You see, when I was younger & even through my first years in MOPS, I was looking for friendships for ME. I wanted to surround myself with people who I thought were fun, that shared the same interests as me, etc. I wasn't looking for friendships for my children. I am at a place right now, where I am looking for more than just friendships but actual solid relationships between couples.
I want to friendships where both my husband and I are friends with the couple. I want these to be friendships where may be we occasionally vacation together. Where we can get together for date nights. My kids are growing, they are going to go off to college one day and start their own lives. I want a solid group of friends when we enter the empty nest stage. That was what really struck me, wanting a GROUP of friends. Not just one really good, inseparable friendship, but a group of people who are all friends with each other. We can do things together alone with our spouses, just a few of us, or get the whole group together.
We are in the planning stages right now to take our kids on their first camping trip. I can't help but think, that if all goes well, next time we should invite the group. Who ever can come, great. Who ever can't, next time.
In Retrospect: What I have been learning about building friendships has been really eye opening, and there is a lot I could have done differently. But I'll sum it up here:
Build friendships with families. Even if you are really just looking for a girlfriend. When the kids get along too, and dad gets thrown in to the mix... a long term SOLID relationship can begin.
Set boundaries. It's ok to realize a friendship is not what you need it to be, or is no longer working. If you asked yourself "What positive thing has that person brought to my life in the last year", and you can't answer that question... that is a pretty good indicator that the friendship is no longer thriving. Some friendships are for a purpose, some for a season and some for a lifetime.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sure having 1 solid friend is nice, but you don't want to smother that person. Nor, do you want to end up feeling alone when you really want to go and do something & they are unavailable. But having a solid group gives you a number of friends to invite... and if they are all available... THE MORE THE MERRIER.
Be intentional. Don't wait for the invites. You can start the ball by sending out the invites yourself. And do not be discouraged when someone says no. Don't take it personally. I can't tell you how many things I would have LOVED to go to or participate in... but I simply couldn't.
Don't be desperate. Don't allow yourself to become so desperate for a friend that you will compromise yourself, your values and morals, your beliefs or your sanity just to have a friend (or even to have a specific person as your friend). Surround yourself with those who will bring out the best in you & you can do the same for them.
Finally, Don't Judge. The person you think would be less likely to be your friend... may be one of the ones you end up spending the most time with.
And this is some of what The Word has to say on the matter:
Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.
Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
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