Reasons & Excuses

One of the most difficult lessons that I am attempting to teach my children is the difference between reasons and excuses.  Reasons are an explanation of why you did or didn't do something or behaved in a certain manner (good or bad).  Reasons are nothing more than an explanation.  You are not trying to get away with it, you are not saying you were right or wrong.  It is a simple explanation of the situation at hand and our response to it. Excuses are an attempt to not be held accountable for our actions, inaction or behavior.  It is an active attempt to get away with something, to not have to pay a consequence.

In our home, I am always willing to listen to reasons.  I actually do want to know what they [kids or spouse] were thinking, or why they behaved that way.  By understanding  reasons for what they did, I can determine the appropriate consequence, if there is one.  I can also help problem solve better ways to have handled the situation.  In response to correct behaviors or actions, I can praise accordingly the act itself and the thought process that led to it.  Which, in my opinion, is sometimes even more important to recognize than the act or behavior in and of itself.

I will not listen to excuses.  Excuses tell me that 1) they knew they were in the wrong and 2) they are trying to weasel out of the consequences.  When my kids, particularly, start in with excuses to defend themselves or deflect accountability... I shut them down.  I stop them in their tracks, I won't allow them to continue.  I send them off to think about the circumstance and when they are ready to give me a reason, I'll gladly hear them out.

You can tell the difference between reasons and excuses by their tone and body banner.  Reasons are usually in a more humbling, seeking forgiveness tone and their posture and body language is generally pretty calm, there may be a few tears or even sobbing depending on the offense.  Excuses are usually accompanied by a very offensive posture, loud voice, argumentative tone and words, dramatic crying, begging and whining too.  They may be more "in your face" and combative, versus humbled and contrite.

I do extend grace to my children about this lesson, I know it isn't easy to learn.  I am still learning it myself.  I didn't really understand the difference either, not until adulthood.  The CEO of a company once explained it to me, and it was like a light went off in my head.  As an adult it was pretty easy to grasp the concept of the difference, a lot harder to put it into action.  Which is why I wanted to teach my children about this at an earlier age.  It's turning out to be more difficult that I expected.

At first I thought it was simply because I wasn't explaining it well enough, or perhaps I wasn't consistent with my response their attempts at excuses.  As time has passed, I begin to wonder if they are even capable at this age of understanding the difference.  And even more so, do they comprehend the importance of understanding the difference.

Despite the failures, this is a lesson I won't give up on.  The impact it has on their future as an adult, for being accountable for their decisions... it's worth every argument.  It is worth every attempt to explain it again, in a new way.  It makes every failed attempt a step toward getting them to figure it out.  And, it sets them up for far more success in life.  When you fully grasp the concept of accountability... you have a much stronger hold on responsibility and gain more credibility.