Leaders Listen.

Whether you find yourself leading your home, or leading a church or an organization... LISTENING is a huge factor in successful leadership.

As I said in a previous post, I attended an amazing conference this weekend, The Gospel Coalition's National Women's Conference, in Orlando Florida.  I actually happened upon the article, on their website while I was killing time.

This quote jumped out of the article at me, as if it was written in crimson lettering.

Godly leaders must listen to Christ, who is their Head (cf. Eph. 4:15). But godly leaders must also listen to the people they lead (cf. Acts 6:1-6.)

                                                                                        Leaders Listen  by Jen Pollock Michel

It is important that as leaders we are in fact listening to God first, just as the article suggests.  Yet too often we forget to listen to those we are leading.  The article is really written toward men, Pastors, about listening to the women in the church's needs.  Indicating that since they are male, do not understand those needs by nature, they really need to listen to the women in order to understand their needs & be able to provide them.

But, my thoughts went beyond that, into our homes, our families, our relationships with others, and our own leadership of other women.


There is a difference between leading from in front vs. directing from above.


If you missed the link the article CLICK HERE

Are you fighting for victory…or resting Victoriously?

Sometimes, someone else just says it 100 times better than I can...

This is a great article written by Brandon Chase - I highly suggest that you read it.  But before you click on the link, Please PRAY...

Pray that the Lord will speak to your heart when you are done reading it, to reveal to you if you are truly resting victoriously or fighting for victory.  And which one is God really wanting from us.

http://brandonchase.net/2013/07/31/are-you-fighting-for-victory-or-resting-victoriously/

My job, my mission.

When I was in high school, it was so very clear to me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I wanted to be an actress.  Not a just a famous actress, but a respected actress.  Think less Lindsay Lohan and more Meryl Streep.

God had different plans for me.

But, I can't lie that bend towards doing or being something great in my life has never gone away.

When I started down the line of Drama Ministry, I thought I could end up well known and respected there.  When I started script writing, I thought that would be my place in the world.

When I started serving in Women's Ministry, I thought I'd become a speaker.... and that would take me down the road to writing a book, and perhaps one day when you bought your tickets for Women of Faith ... you'd be coming to see me.

Again, this was never from a place of just being successful, but respected.

Which is something that gets me on another tangent.  So many of the texts for husbands and wives talk about him wanting respect, while she wants love.  And while yes, I do want love... I really want my husband's respect.  But that, my friends, is a topic for another day.

I am a woman who wants to be respected.  I thought that respect would come from doing something great.  And it did, but not in the way I imagined.

It came in the form of a baby, swaddled and handed to me.  A life that I would have a chance to mold into a person better than I have ever been.   Not realizing it would be she that would make me a better person.  That this little bundle would reconcile me with my Savior, in a way greater than ever before.

When she was just about to hit school age, I thought to myself "now is the time" and I called up my agent and said I was ready to work again.  Less than a year later, God said WAIT.  Another swaddling bundle would enter my world.  This time not only did I once again have a great mission in impacting this child, but it would be that as a result of her conception, my life would be saved.  It would draw attention to the cells trying to attack my body & we would be able to catch it before it became a vicious cancer.  When she was about to hit school age, I thought again.... NOW is the time.

But God would once again say WAIT.  A third precious bundle would come into my world and bring with it peace.   One daughter brought me to God on my knees.  One daughter saved my life from disease.  One daughter would fill my life with peace.  I was amongst the least of these, and they were the ones making ME a better person, a better Christian.

As this third precious child was about to enter her school years.... I had a thought.  NOW is NOT the time.  My last bundle was walking into the world and my oldest child was entering the last 4 years of her adolescence.    Now is not the time for me to do anything but focus on the mission that God set before me.  My mission is motherhood.  The greatest mission ever.  The greatest impact I can make on the world, is by pouring myself into them, and pointing them to the cross.

A Christian without a Mentor is Limited

Early in my walk, as a Christian, I really didn't have a mentor.  I did have a few people in my life I could ask questions of... and they didn't look at me as a fool.  They understood that I was growing.  But, I didn't have anyone who took me under their wing and helped guide me on my walk.


Now, much later in my walk, I have several mentors in my life.  I recently was meeting with one of them.  We were talking about the book of Revelation and the churches listed in Chapters 2 & 3. We were discussing how these different churches mirrored our current world..... the attitudes not just of countries but even of our churches today.

The church in Ephesus had the head knowledge but not the heart knowledge.  They kept up the beliefs, the traditions, etc...without understanding why.  It was empty.  They were on auto pilot.  Serving Jesus without loving Jesus.

It was then my friend, and mentor, mentioned how important it was that we have mentors in our walk from very early on.  Without a mentor we can allow ourselves to get caught up in the rules, the deeds, the work of our faith without actually having real faith.  We know all the things we should do and shouldn't do, but yet we don't really understand the why and more importantly the WHO behind it.

As we continue to grow in our knowledge, without a mentor to guide us, we can end up just like the church of Ephesus.  We will have the head knowledge without the heart knowledge.  And then eventually we become like the pharisees.  We stand firm and strong in our righteous knowledge, without loving the least of these.... the poor in spirit, the broken, the lost.

Mentors help us to see the bigger picture.  They help us to learn from their wisdom and experience that our impact on others has to start from a place of love.  Loving them in spite of their faults, not excusing them.  But understanding that we have to start from a place of love and not condemnation.

When you first love a person, taking the time to get to know them and understand them, you build your credibility with them. They learn to trust you.  Trusting that you really care for them and this isn't just your attempt to add another success story to your book of people's lives that you have changed.

In your attempts to share the Gospel, a mentor reminds you that it is not your job to change them.  But to love them.  The Holy Spirit will change them.  Your greatest testimony comes from your example.  We have all know of people who were considered "great" and looked up to, and the moment the truth of their depravity came out... it contradicted all the good they had done.

A mentor tells you to focus more on making yourself better, your walk better, your testimony better than trying to change others.  In fact, dear one, YOU are not as big of a part of their testimony as you think.  In fact, you are quite insignificant to the transformation that Christ does in them. 

My mentor told me that she can tell relatively quickly when someone has been mentored or not.  You can see it in their attitude towards others.

If you don't have a mentor, maybe it is time to find one.  In fact, you may need more than one.

Wondering how to find a mentor?

1) Pray.  Pray that God will reveal the person to you.
2) Let Go.  Let go of all the preconceptions of what a mentor should be.  Do not base it on age, years as a Christian, family size.  I remember once a woman in the church came to me for advice on marriage.  She was much older than I was, and I was caught off guard.  I found out as we talked, that she had only been married a few years.  While I was significantly younger than her, I had 10+ more years of marriage experience than she.
3) Be Open.  Be open to having just one mentor, or more.  God will bring those whom you need, don't turn away wisdom because you "already have one".
4) Talk to your Pastor or his wife.  If you need mentorship in a specific area, they may know just the right person for you.
5) Don't Give Up.  You may try out a mentor relationship & it just isn't working.  That is ok, you can change mentors. But make sure you are changing them because it's not the right fit... and not because they are saying things you don't want to hear. 

Eyes Wide Open - Realizing the Truth

For quite sometime I have been lamenting over a friendship that had fallen apart.  I understood what brought our friendship to an end.  I accepted that even if we could become friends again it would never be the same.  And, to be honest, I really wasn't holding out any hope that our friendship would be repaired.  Sometimes, things are just over and it is time to move on.

However, this was proving to be harder that I expected.  The reality of the situation was this wasn't just my friendship that ended.

Our husbands were friends.
Our children were friends.
In fact, we were really more like family.

So, despite my head knowledge of an ended friendship... my heart still longed for that family that was missing from our lives.

It's been about 5 months now.  Our oldest daughters are occasionally in touch.  Husbands too.

I asked my husband a few nights back if he had spoken with her husband recently.  He said that it had been a few days and commented about their inability to spend any time together.  What ended up happening was an hour long conversation about not the situation but the family I was missing so much.  Not about all the details of what went wrong, or how it could be repaired... but just about the family.

What I realized....

I missed her husband.  Truth was, I probably had more in common with him than her.

I missed her kids.  I loved their kids, like my own.  I missed not knowing what was going on in their lives.

I even missed their pets!  

I realized that in the years I have known that family, I have watched friends come and go... we aren't the first & won't be the last.

I realized that when we would be over there with other families... often their wives were not there.  It would be the husbands with the kids.

I realized that on those occasions when there were other women around, their husbands were not there.  It was then my husband stated that as long as we have been friends, he never felt her husband was as vested in the friendship as he was.  And that, he believed that her husband kept a distance with all their friends because he never knew when they were going to leave.

She drives people out of her life.

She also suffers from depression and low self esteem.

I didn't recognize it, but she does what a lot of people who suffer from serious depression do.  They distance themselves from people.  Not just by pulling themselves away, but by even going so far as to push those who are closest to them away.  That creates even more distance.

I had seen this behavior in others before, but I suppose I was too close to recognize it in my own "best friend".

But what does this mean?

The conversation helped me realize that I wasn't as close to her as I thought.  If we were really that close of friends, I would have recognized it.

It helped me realize that what I was really missing was the family, not her specifically.  But she was part of the package deal.

It also helped me realize that despite our friendship being over, she is a woman who needs to be prayed for. 

You never know when another Christian is around, and THAT is the problem.

I recently had a foot-in-mouth moment.

I was sitting IN the church building, not during service, but for a workday.

I was surrounded by Christians and NON Christians.  We were currently renovating the church building, so we had volunteers from the body and hired help from the community.

Now, I can have a pretty dry sense of humor and sometimes I can sling sarcasm and witty bits out like I was David slinging stones at Goliath.  Precision people, precision.

And while I am not going into the details of what I said, lets just say..... I let a one liner slip.  And the 2 guys who heard it were hysterically laughing.  They had made a comment, I made a quick witty response.  It happened before I could even think it through.  Like when you cough and your gum shoots out of your mouth onto the floor.

Not only did it come out of my mouth.... there was not putting it back in.

Immediately I said "Oh, I shouldn't have said that."

The contractor guy said "Yeah, I'm not sure I want to sit next to you... lightening might strike you."

We all laughed about it.  Me more nervously, all the while I was self deprecating in my head.

I came home and told my husband the story.  I said "I am so glad no one from the church was there to hear it.  I don't know what I was thinking."

My husband, God bless him, has a pretty warped sense of humor and he found it funny.  He would have found it funnier if someone from the church was there to hear it too.  But, that is why I married him.  He understands that not everything that comes out of my mouth is meant earnestly.  He gets my humor.  He doesn't ever hold it against me, because he knows exactly the kind of person I am.

But that day hasn't left my memory.  Because, I was relieved that there wasn't anyone from my church in the room.  But that doesn't mean there wasn't another Christian in the room.  That doesn't mean that a person who knows nothing about me, didn't hear a member of my church (me) say something mildly inappropriate.  And, if those who were in the room with me were truly unbelievers... I am not sure I helped my witness at all.

And then I continued thinking about it.  And today... there was something that hit me...

We are called to be different than the world.

If we are in a room with others, they should know by our behavior, words and actions that we are Christians.

If they can't discern us as different than the rest of the world, we are doing something wrong.

I learned I needed to tame my tongue.

I am not saying we need to wear bonnets and dresses down to our ankles.  I am saying that our presence should exude God.  We are His vessels in this world.  When they see us, they see Him.  How are we presenting Him to the world?

At the same time, this doesn't give us permission to unleash a verbal tirade to everyone in the world who is not living up to His standards.  We still approach people with compassion, mercy and grace.  We still address non-believers differently than we would address believers.  We address new believers differently than we would addressed seasoned believers.

There is balance.

The world is constantly surprised when a Christian is NOT a hypocrite.  When they actually live, breathe and walk in accordance to the world.  This should be a GIVEN not an EXCEPTION.

Because the world sees this as an exception, and not a given... it means we are falling short.  We need God, we need Jesus, we need the Holy Spirit more than ever to come into our lives, transform us... how we act, what we say, etc MORE THAN EVER.

We are starting to blend into the world.  We are becoming the gray in the darkness.  We need to be the light.

Life Doesn't Hurt, Expectations Do

Life, a sequence of years.  It starts when you are conceived and ends when you die. Some have a longer life, others don't.  Life is time.  It isn't a feeling, it has no emotion.  It is pages of a calendar that flip each day, according to the number of the days of you breathe.  Life doesn't hurt.  It can't touch you.  It can't make you feel good, it can't harm you.

It's the adjective you put with life, that describes the type of life you have had.

A long life.
A happy life.
A miserable life.
A difficult life.
A peaceful life.
An active life.
A solitary life.

It describes the time you have been alive.

Sometimes our expectations for our life are greater than we can accomplish.  Then there are times where we project our expectations on others, and they fall short.

You see life doesn't hurt, expectations do.

When we expect too much of ourselves & what we are capable of....
When we expect too much of others & they can't live up to those expectations....
When we glorify a job, position, relationship, etc to something more than it is & it fails our expectations....

That is what hurts.
We are let down.

And the problem is ours.

Because no one created those expectations but yourself.

If I am disappointed because something didn't live up to my expectations, I need to take an honest look at it.

Were my expectations reasonable or even attainable?  Were they practical?

Did I clearly define my expectations, or did I assume the other person would know it without saying?

Was the failure to meet my expectations really their fault at all?

When others fail to meet my expectations...
Life didn't hurt me.
They didn't hurt me.
I hurt myself.

My heart is burdened.

The world is a pretty competitive place.  We compete on the sports field, in the job market, on video games, for position within friendships, for authority over groups, for affection from our children, acceptance by society.  Competition permeates so much of what we do.

For years I was really burdened by the amount of competition that came between moms.
Breast vs. bottle.
Co-sleeping vs. crib.
On demand vs. on schedule.
Better toys for development.
Better car seats and strollers.
Better developmental programs.
TV vs. No TV.
Babywearing vs. teaching independence.

Over 15 years of parenting, I have heard it all.

And it doesn't get easier as they get older.
Public vs. Private vs. Homeschool
Dating vs. Courting vs. None of the Above.
Make Up vs. no make up.

... the list really is infinite.

Years ago, I had come to a place where I could finally let all that go.  I couldn't care less what others were doing.  I was part of the parent team that God put in charge of these children.  He knew that we were the right ones to raise them, we would make the best decisions for them.  I learned to be confident in who I was as a mom.

So, let them have cake for breakfast on their birthday.

So... why am I burdened?

I am burdened by the competition that is rising between CHRISTIANS.

Recently, my eyes have been really opened to the level of competition between Christians on WHO IS THE BETTER CHRISTIAN.  The sad part is, many of them don't realize they are doing it.

It happened about a week ago, that I said something about my beliefs on a controversial subject & the response of the other person was the straw that broke the camels back.  He might as well of patted me on the head like a small child who doesn't know any better.  Apparently his education and more in depth knowledge of the subject meant he was right, and I was wrong.  And he not only pitied me.... but was truly GRIEVED that I could feel such a way.  He basically considered me a Christian who was being blinded from the truth.

Ironically, what he missed was that I agreed with him doctrinally.  My disagreement was in how people responded to the subject.... the hate and venom people spew at "sinners" is heartbreaking.

And the more I sat and thought about my conversation with him, the more I realized that he truly believed he was a better Christian because he could see this "TRUTH" that I was obviously missing.  I realized he wasn't the only one in my life who had elevated themselves above other Christians for their "knowledge" that others don't have.

I started sitting back and really looking at what people were saying and doing.  I thought back on conversations of the past, and my heart grew more and burdened.

These divisions and competition were not even on the big controversial subjects.  They were over small bites of scripture and individual's interpretations of what it meant.  We were not allowing ourselves to be divided over subjects like "gay marriage", we were allowing our selves to be divided over subjects like....
--- what we eat.... as a "good Christian"
--- what we wear.... as a "good Christian"
--- what we watch on tv (or watching tv altogether)... as a "good Christian"

It is amazing how quickly we can judge other Christians because their walk doesn't match our own.

Judging because they don't read the bible as much as I do.
Judging because they don't serve the community as much as I do.
Judging because their approach to parenting is different than mine.

Even judging them because they read a particular version of the bible, and we feel our version is best.

We already feel on our own that we are not doing enough as a Christian, that our walk could be more dedicated.  We have Satan taking every opportunity to tell us that we are less than worthy and trying to derail us with reminders of our past mistakes.  Add into the mix someone who feels they are superior over you... wagging their finger in disapproval.... = disaster.

In Acts 15, a council forms to discuss how the gospel is being presented to new believers.  Ultimately after discussing all the facets and commandments and beliefs, they come to this conclusion in verse 19 "It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God."

This was not an excuse to allow them to do what ever they wanted, but rather a reminder that we should stick to the important things.  Letting the rest come naturally as the spirit moves them.  In fact they kept it pretty simple 1) No consuming foods offered to idols.  2) No sexual immorality.  3) No eating of meat from strangled animals or consuming blood.

That was it.

When we think back on the commands from Jesus, himself... we were told to 1) Love God with all our heart and 2) Love our neighbors as ourselves ... and then in the great commission to go out and share the gospel.  The council clarified it was about the big picture, and no so much the little details.  They trusted the Holy Spirit to convict each person.

 Within Christian circles, we have returned to the very thing that brought this council together.  Each group, thinking they have it right.  Man made rules and laws of what a "Good Christian" looks like.  We try to put our passions upon believers based on our own convictions.  We hold them to a standard that their faith should be expressed in these works.  Yet we know that our faith is sufficient for salvation and works are a fruit of the spirit.  But, today we see more and more people adopting a works based faith. That as long as we do x, y and z... then we are being righteous Christians.  Scripture warns us if we do all these THINGS without LOVE, then they are meaningless.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

1If I speak in the tongues^a of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^b but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

When I look at those casting judgements on other Christians, is it really coming from a place of Love?  Or, from a need to be RIGHT?   Are you doing these things because GOD has called you to it, or because you need to LOOK RIGHTEOUS?  Where is your heart?  


It hurts to hear someone telling you that they are speaking "Truth in Love"... but LOVE is not present.  It really is "TRUTH in RIGHTEOUSNESS" or "TRUTH IN PIETY".

Because they really don't want you to change because your heart tells you to, because they seed the planted has been developed by the Holy Spirit.  They want you to change to their ways because they see themselves as RIGHT, ELEVATED, MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE, etc.

They think we are naive... and yet they are blinded to their own sin.

My heart is burdened to those who have forgotten what LOVE really looks like... when demonstrated to the non believers & those who are growing in their faith.

Daughters of the King

Proverbs 31:10  A virtuous woman, who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies.

If you look to the dictionary to define "virtuous", Webster will tell you it means confirming to a moral and ethical principals, morally excellent; upright.  Certainly those are great things to find in a woman.  But that isn't the Bible's definition of "virtuous". 

The original Hebrew word, used in scripture is Chayil (khah' -yil) and it means:  A FORCE... AN ARMY... STRENGTH... ABLE... SUBSTANCE... WORTHY.

If we re-read the scripture using this definition, it reads "A strong, able, worthy, woman of substance, who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies."

Read that aloud.  Do you find yourself sitting up a little taller, feel a little stronger, and your confidence increase?  When the trials and tribulations of life come at you, remember who you are!  You who were adopted by our Abba Father... daughter of the King.  (1 Peter 2:9)

Father, I pray that I can see myself through your eyes: as a valuable, worthy and strong woman who is capable of doing what you ask of me.  Let me hear your voice, direct my life and fill me with the courage to take the first step.  Amen. 

*Written by Gena McCown for TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

The Christmas We Forgot

Proverbs 16:9  ”In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

When it comes to holidays, Christmas is our favorite.  We always put forth some effort into our decorations, adding each year.  We have a goal, you see. One that has been in place since we were first married, and I took my husband to "Gabriel Lane" to see the most amazing Christmas lights he had ever seen.  The entire neighborhood decorated.  Even the Jewish residents would have blue and white lights, Star of David décor.  There was a house on the street that had a Candy Cane theme.  Since Christmas was his favorite time of year, and since we both loved this house the most. That was our goal.

Over the years there have been some Christmases where the budget was tight, or time didn't seem to be on our side.  I even remember saying to my husband one year.... "You keep saying that this is your favorite time of the year.  You say that, but I don't think you mean it".  Why did I say this?  Because he wasn't getting our decorations up fast enough.  In fact there was one year we didn't have our lights up at all & I was FURIOUS.  Like, steam coming out of my ears furious.  It put a damper on the entire holiday for me.

How ridiculous I was being.  I vowed to never be that way again.  I was being a Martha in a very Mary moment.  I was focused on tasks, my to do list, my timeline.... it was affecting my time with my family & my attitude toward others.  It took my focus off the reason for the season, Jesus.

This year, the lights and snowflakes were hung.  But all of our yard decorations, we forgot.  The tree was trimmed, but all the other indoor decorations, we forgot.  Cookies for Santa, were baked... but only thanks to an early Christmas Eve gift from my mother of Easy Bake Ovens for the girls.  Reindeer food...?  Um, I had some carrots in the freezer.  Christmas Eve came and went.  Christmas morning came and went.  It was later that day, I realized we didn't even take any photos of the kids opening their gifts.  We forgot.

And the most remarkable thing? No one cared.  It was about us, it was about enjoy time together.  It wasn't about fuss.  We opened our doors that day and neighborhood kids came in and out to visit.  It's been a few days since, still no pictures of the kids with their gifts.  I forgot. It is so easy to get caught up in the details, our plans for how things should go or look.  But God often has a different agenda because his is not based on tasks but on relationship.  

God, I pray for those of us .... who get caught up in the details, may you soften our hearts and open our eyes to the things we are missing out on.  Let details be forgotten & memories made in 2014.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Asking Why?

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.                      (Galatians 1:10)  

Recently, I met with my study group and one of the ladies attending asked a question that took me off guard.  She asked us all "Why?", specifically why were we doing this particular study, what was our motivation?

Why?  

That is a small question with big implications.  And, her question stuck with me.  Why, indeed.  I started applying that question to everything I was doing... my decisions, my schedule, my responses.  I began using it like a speed bump in my journey through life.  Allowing it to slow me down and really make me think.

 Then I noticed, I began to apply it to other people.  If they said something that upset me, instead of responding immediately... I asked myself "Why, do you think she said that?".

I was able to see things a bit clearer in my life and in my relationship with others.  Why, gave me clarity.

In Galatians 1:10, we are presented with a WHY question.  Why are we doing the things we do, saying the things we say?  Are we doing it for the approval of man?  Or, of God?  Are we doing it to be accepted by the world?  Or, is it for the Kingdom?  Are we trying to please others?  Or, God?

And, in a further step in thought.... am I doing it for my glory or His? In the new year, we face a lot of choices.  I challenge all of us to add the question of WHY into our decision making process.  Pray that God will reveal the motivations of our heart and the heart of others so that we can make the decisions that glorify Him!

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Is Your Soap Box Too Big

 

“It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.”    Acts 15:19

Recently, I was reading a blog series called “The Homemaking Pharisee” and a portion jumped off the screen at me. The author had a subject matter she was overtly passionate about, it was purely her opinion... but she had allowed it to become gospel to her. It had become an idol. Because of this, people were unwilling to talk to her or include her in discussions about the topic. Finally someone brought this to her attention. Her response: “I do not want to be that person who no one can talk to about that subject because my soap box is just too big.”.

  Some well meaning Christians can trip into being just like the Pharisees! We can get wrapped up in things we are passionate about or where God has called us & try to make everyone else apply that in their lives. A strong Christian can easily chuck those things right off their shoulders. We know what The Word says. But for a new believer, we can create unrealistic expectations. We can make ourselves seem so “holy” that they will fear even speaking to us!  And, when people start fearing talking to us... they can quickly disappear from our lives, our studies and our church.

Lord, I pray that you will reveal to me the areas where I have allowed my pride to get before my witness. Help me to soften my heart and my attitude to those around me. Let me speak your truth, not my own. Amen.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In the World

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world, but that you protect them from the evil one.
John 17:15

There was a time in my early adulthood, I had to walk away from my friends. All of them. They were not good influences on me. When I had made some decisions in my life to change the path I was going down, they were not supportive. I knew at that time in my life, this was not working. I had to walk away. I had to surround myself with those who would lift me up, encourage me & help me stay on the straight and narrow.

In time, I would begin to surround myself with Christians who shared the same convictions. I would grow stronger in my faith. At first it was all very serious, bible studies, church fellowship. We were not having “fun” in the same sense as I did before. I can't deny that I missed having fun with my friends. Eventually, I found myself within a group of Christian women who were having FUN. We were laughing until the tears started flowing, we were dancing the night away, celebrating holidays with each other. Creating memories & filling that void in the “FUN” department that I had been longing for.

As I was putting myself back out in the world, I started making non-Christian friends too. We would have a good time together as well. But, admittedly I kept them separate. Let's face it, they didn't always use the best language and would sometimes have pretty liberal views on politics, religion and life in general. After several years, I decided I was going to have a small gathering of my friends. I had invited one of my non-Christian friends to attend. Unfortunately at the last minute, she had to cancel. But she said something I will never forget... “Gena, I am so disappointed that I couldn't come and meet the rest of your friends. I adore you, and you are such a great person...I am sure your other friends are too. I wish I could have met them. If they are anything like you, I bet they are lovely.” She was wanting to surround herself with more people like me. What made me different than any of her other friends or acquaintances? Christ.

She saw me as a Christian woman, who cared about people, was a dedicated wife and mother, but she also saw that I was fun to be around. She heard me, when I spoke about my failures and imperfections. She heard me, when I talked about striving to do and be better. Every conversation wasn't a deep theological debate. I wasn't trying to spend every waking moment of our friendship trying to convert her. I was simply being a good friend, who loved her, cared about her, and was there for her. As a natural part of our friendship... God entered the picture. If she was going to get to know me, it wasn't something that could be avoided. The more she go to know me, the more she desired to know more people that were like me.

God doesn't want us to surround ourselves with only other Christians. If we do that, we can't reach those who do not know Him. We have no influence on the world. We are not light in the darkness. However, we don't walk out into the world without His protection. We wear the Armor of God. We understand His love for us, and His desires for us to follow His word. We pray for His protection. We stand firm in our convictions. It is His spirit within us, that draws others to us. We are just the vessel.

A challenge my husband presented me with was to each day pray to God asking Him to make me a vessel in the course of my day.  Asking Him to give me the right words, at the right moment.  Sometimes we have a once in a life time opportunity to reach a person, other times it is slow through the course of building a relationship. 

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

A broken mug

As a whole I am not a sentimental person.  I do however have a few possessions that I value because they are my favorite.  One is my gigantic Eeyore coffee mug.  I have had it longer than I can remember, it holds nearly a whopping 3 cups of coffee.  It is the best.

Or it was.

A few nights ago, just as I was leaving from a meeting.... I got a text from my teenager.

"I broke your Eeyore coffee mug.  It slipped out of my hands.  I couldn't catch it."

My immediate response was "Are you ok?"

She replied, "Yes."

And then I said "That is all that matters.  It's just a cup.  You are more important."

Now you are probably wondering what is so remarkable about this reasonable response. It is remarkable because it is a new one for me.  Not that long ago, I would have certainly been concerned for my child's welfare....but I would have been volcanic about it being broken.

My normal response would have been...

Why are you using my cup?

This is why you shouldn't touch things that are not yours!

There are 100 cups in the house, why did you have to use mine?

This is why I never buy anything nice!

Does any of this response sound familiar to you?

Just a few months ago, I was reminded of the anniversary of my friend's daughter passing.

She was a spunky 8 year old, who was living her life to the fullest, and defying odds every day she was on this earth.  They were told to abort her, that she would never make it out of the hospital.  Yet she graced this earth for 8 wonderful years, touching the hearts of many, and paving a way for children who have her same condition to live a longer life.

How could I be upset over a stupid coffee cup, when I have a friend mourning the absence of such a prominent figure in her life?

I'd break and throw away everything in my house that has any value to me.... in order to keep my kids here with me.  I know heaven is great.... but I'm going be selfish on this one.

When I got home, my husband confessed to me that she was a wreck over having telling me.  Her sisters had chided her with the standard "mom is going to be mad, you are going to be in so much trouble".  In fact, I believe I heard something about them vying over which one of them was going to tattle on her.  I also think that is why she texted me.  She knew she wanted to tell me first.  But, she also was so worried about response, the text was safe.  I'd have time to cool down before I got home. 

I told him, I was glad she was brave enough to tell me.  Even if by text.  She could have easily tried to hide it or fix it.  We've all seen the sitcoms based on just this scenario.

Funny how 15 years into this thing called "motherhood" and I am just starting to figure it all out.

Or, maybe not.  Apparently I need to have a conversation about tattling again.

Transparency

I am a fairly transparent person, always have been.  To the point, that my mom wouldn't allow me to open gifts in front of people.  I wasn't rude.  She said you could read it on my face.

When I am happy, you know it.
When I am sad, you know it.
When I am angry.... um, yeah.... it's obvious.

When I speak, I say exactly what I mean.  I don't mince words.  There is no hidden subtext or agenda.  A question is just a question.  Nothing more than my settling my own curiosity.  If I have an issue with the situation or your answer, then I will speak my mind.  If I say nothing more, that means your answer satisfied my curiosity.

I also generally have an "agree to disagree" personality.  Which is why I can be friends with people who have different opinions than I do.... politics, religion, etc.  I don't mind if you have a differing opinion.  What I do have a problem with is when a person is expressing an opinion as fact, or that is 100% in accurate.

Recently someone very close to me hurt me very deeply.  Her comments stung not because of any conviction on my part... but because someone who I thought was so close to me would say something so horrible.... and untrue.

What also upset me was that this person was standing firmly in their righteous indignation, to the point of passing judgment upon others & expecting them to take this criticism .... totally unapologetic..... yet was the first person to throw a complete and total tantrum if someone where to dare correct her.

It brought me to this question:

Do we really want true authentic, transparent friendships?

Or do we really want a one way glass....where the other is transparent and we can pick them apart but yet our flaws are totally concealed to them, leaving us beyond reproof.

Depression....

Depression.... an old foe.  Something that I try to ignore and get past.  Something that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again, to pull the carpet out from underneath me.

It found me yesterday.  Born from anger, fed by disappointment, leaving me lying on the couch waving my white flag.

It exposed my lonliness.
It revealed my unfulfilled longing.
It rubbed my heart raw.
It ensnared my thoughts turning them against me.

It proved to me all my suspicions to be true.
It broke me.

It said..... You have no real friends, not true ones who you can really count on.
It said..... They talk about you behind your back, spreading lies and misinformation.
It said..... They look down on you & think you are not worthy.
It said..... They think you are a bad parent.
It said..... They think you are a bad Christian.

It spoke in quiet whispers in my head.
It spoke in booming words from my own lips as I repeated the thoughts it planted.

It brought me to a place of simply just wanting to leave.  To find somewhere new to live, to pick up the family and just move.  Go elsewhere.  Leave it all behind.

It brought me to a place that said forget everything that you enjoy doing, just stay home with your family.... they are the only ones who care anyway.

It also brought me to my knees.  Praying to God to reveal what lesson there is all that is going on in my life.  What can I learn here?  Why do I feel so disconnected?  Where are you moving me Lord?

You see... when Depression shows up on the doorstep.... I try hard to not let it in.  But sometimes that door gets opened, despite how much I push it closed.  And like an unwanted house guest, I entertain it for a while.  And then, when I have had enough .... I send it packing.



Depression doesn't own me.  It doesn't define me.  It can't steal my hope, or my joy.  There will be trials in this life.

.... I can overcome those things.

Because God is bigger, better, dependable and gracious.

He promises a hope and a future, not harm.

I hold to His promises.  His word never fails.

IS IT ME?

Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends.  When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out.  I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on.  By college, I didn't care about friendship at all.  I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.

Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends.  When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends.  I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children.  But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done.  My youngest was the age of their oldest.  Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about.  I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training.  The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.

Then I started making some new friends.  A little here and there.  Things were looking good.  But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change.  One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess.  Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it.  And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were.  I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening.  I told my husband the whole bit.  I told him I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving.  I was the same person I always way.  I hadn't changed.  But it seemed like they did and were changing.  I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way.  I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.

He said... "Maybe it IS you."

I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right.  I asked him to expound on it.  He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it.  I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser.  I shared what was going on.  I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions.  I shared how these people were responding.  I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.

One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women?  IT IS YOU.

I was changing.  Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.

What was changing?

- I wanted more authentic relationships with people.  I was done with superficial face time talk.  I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships.  Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.

In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life".  The answer was, nothing.  It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her.  Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath.  I couldn't just say something, always it was read into.  It was unhealthy.  It brought me no good.  When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."

He was right.  It was over.

In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different.  There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life.  She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her.  So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.

The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too.  This was not just my imagination.  The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me.  When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does.  I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I explained that it was never my intention.

While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings.  For that I am sorry. 

Now the balls sits in her court.

I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.

As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close.  I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck.  Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.

I have an amazing family and an amazing God.

I Stand Corrected

I am going to be honest, I do not take well to criticism.  I am an eager learner, I don't mind being corrected when I am wrong.  I value the opinions of others.  I am a move forward, not back kind of girl. But, there are times when I can allow criticism to get under my skin.  But, there is a difference between criticism and correction.

Recently my husband informed me that I “don't finish projects”.  For those reading this, who know me personally, you are probably wondering if this man knows me at all!  My husband was not correcting me or guiding me, he was being critical.  I didn't take kindly to it and I proceeded to remind him that he was the one who initiated our journey into Dave Ramsey living.  If he would like me to finish our household projects, I'd be happy to... the moment he handed me a credit card or expanded my personal budget.  (I was being very sarcastic, I really wouldn't do that.)   I wanted him to understand I was doing the best with what I was given, and he needed to be patient through our “cash only process”. 

As I was reflecting on the confrontation I had with my friend (see last week's devotion), I asked myself if I was being critical of her.  Or, was my assessment of the situation accurate & correction was the right course.  That is, after all, what correction is.  We are helping someone who has taken a turn get back on course.  In some cases it is an obvious sharp turn, and in others it has been a slow, gradual, drift.  When I struggle with anything like this, I always turn to the Word.  If I can figure out what God has to say about it, perhaps figuring out my next steps won't be so hard. I also reached out to those I consider wise counsel.

As a result, I came to find that scripture not only tells us that we should correct our sisters in Christ, but we are also told how we should be responding to correction.  In reading this, it not only confirmed for me that my friend was responding incorrectly, but also made me take at look at my own responses to correction (and criticism
too).

Proverbs 19:20     Take good counsel and accept correction— that’s the way to live wisely and well.

How do you respond when someone corrects you?  Do you get defensive?  Do you make excuses?  Do you try and pass the buck & blame someone else?  Or, do you try to justify your behavior in order to make it ok?  When you read last weeks devotion, did you relate to it?  Have you responded in the same way my friend did?  Do you take it personally when a friend tries to encourage you to have a different perspective?  And, as Pastor Gordon asked us in our last series... are you
teachable? 

This bit of advice was shared with me, just this past week:
"When someone gives you advice that you don't want to hear, you should not react until you have:
            1) prayed about it
            2) compared the advice to Scripture
            3) asked yourself, is it true?" 
      
Being accountable to each other as friends is a two way street.  We must be willing to not only give correction, but also receive it.  If I speak in truth and love, then I should receive with love and humbleness.  I need to embrace this person, who cared about me enough to call me out on my behavior, and help me realize what I was doing & become better for it.

Proverbs 27:17    As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Lord, I pray that you give me a mouth that speaks, when it is time to speak; and ears to listen, when it is time to listen.  Help me to speak in YOUR truths, through MY love for my sisters in Christ.  Let me received YOUR truth, through THEIR love for me.  Protect our friendship from division, so that we may continue to encourage each other to be focused on YOU. Amen.

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

To Correct or Not To Correct.... that is the question.

 

Recently, one of my best friends sent me a vague text stating that she was angry.   During the course of the discussion, I realized that I disagreed with her take on the situation.  Even more importantly, from a spiritual standpoint, I didn't agree with how she was responding to the situation.  As her friend, and a Christian, I decided to correct her. After all, isn't that what we are told to do? 

2 Timothy 4:2     Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

I wasn't mean, but I also didn't beat around the bush.  You see, this was a behavior that I had seen before.  As I recognized this pattern, it was like a veil was lifted & I suddenly saw some situations from her past in a new perspective.  Her response of anger was a pattern of behavior.  It wasn't healthy for her, or any one around her.   I knew that I needed to say something.  This correction, however, was not well received.  I thought I had handled it well.  I wasn't mean or harsh, but I also didn't beat around the bush either. Instead of appreciating my correction, what I got was the silent treatment.  The deafening silence continued for days; leading me to try and clarify my point.  I was also trying to fix her being upset with me.  The more I tried to fix it, the worse things got. Then, my mind started getting the better of me.

Galatians 6:1   Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restorehim in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Satan had gotten a hold of my ear.  Twisting the scenario around.  Tainting my thoughts and opinions ofher.  To the point that I was even playing out scenarios in my head of what our next conversation was going to be like.  Fortunately, despite everything going on in my head, my heart and my friendship... I was seeking God.  I was digging into his word about friendships & accountability; and the more I read, the more my heart softened.  I wasn't letting Satan mess with my mind any more.  I was reminded that I loved my friend.  I wanted to open her eyes to something she may not have been recognizing in herself.  I wanted to help her. 

Proverbs 17:17     A friend always loves, and a brother is born to share trouble.

How do we correct our Christian sisters?  First, I would recommend reading Matthew 18:15-17.  I am grateful for the clarity in God's word on the subject.   We need to first speak with them, privately.  Then if they don't listen, we come with 2-3 others.  If they still do not listen, you take it to your church leaders or body.  Oddly enough, this was the easy part.

Second, there were some important things I realized (in retrospect) that would have helped.  Hopefully my sharing them will be beneficial should you find yourself in this situation.     
    1.  She admitted she was already angry.  This was definitely not the right time, her emotions were on high alert.  She was not going to be able to hear me. 
                She was on the defensive.  Poor timing.
    2. Say it, then zip it.  If you do speak to your friend... say what you have to say, then zip your lips. Your friend may need time to process what you say to her. 
                And what may not even seem like a big deal to you, may be a big deal to her.  Stop trying to make your point, or smooth things over. Give her space.
    3.  Wait. Pray. Speak, only if led to.   Unless what your friend is about to do is going to cause immediate harm to her or others, wait to speak. When we wait, we
                then have time to reference scripture and pray.  Ask God if you should say something, how you should say it and when.Let God lead your correction.  God
                may end up leading you to keep your mouth shut altogether or just for the time being.  

*Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

Making Friends

CS Lewis once wrote. “Is there any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of Christian friends by a good fire?” Over the years I am learning the truth of that statement, as it is something that is burning inside me to have and to develop. I have realized that I desire a deeper friendship with fellow Christians.  Not because I want to be exclusionary to non Christians... but I am finding that the more I hang out with Christians the deeper rooted my own faith is.  There is no greater memories that I have right now, than sitting around a table with my Christian friends... hysterically laughing, with tears streaming down our faces.

But there is even more than that.  As a mom, for many years, I was searching for the play dates.  The mom that I enjoyed hanging out with, and our kids enjoyed spending time together.  I often left my husband out of the equation, because these play dates were while he was at work.  These were my friends.  He had his own.  Yet, now, I realize that one day my kids are going to move out of this house.  My world will not revolve around them.  I want to have friends that my husband and I both like spending time with, so that long after the kids have left the nest... we are not sitting home alone on a Saturday night trying to entertain each other.

God also wants us to surround ourselves with good Christian friends.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

I want to have friends who have wisdom... as moms, wives, and sisters in Christ.  I want to get advice from those who share the same morals and values I do.  For they will not lead my astray from what God desires.  I have a good friend, and her husband travels a lot for work.  One of the things I have learned from her is that when he is home, family time is super important.  She won't make plans if it causes her to not be with the family during his short break home.  I want my family to realize that they are that important to me.

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Too often I have allowed myself to get into that verbal tit for tat about the negative things in this life.  Perhaps it is a complaint session about husbands; or a venting session about kids, parenting or school.  While I may have started out our time together in a good mood, I would find that by the time I left ... I was in a very bad mood.  I was angry at my husband.  I was angry at my kids.  I was angry at the world.  In some cases, the person I was with was poking at the fire to get it hotter.  It brought me no good.  Or, that person was so argumentative that my thoughts would completely be encompassed.  In a recent situation my husband flat out told me that he didn't want to hear me complain about that person any longer.  He didn't even understand why we were friends.  That created some self examination on my part.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

I need someone in my life that encourages me in the difficult moments.  That helps me to be a better person and better Christian.  I can only do this by surrounding myself with those who can fit this purpose.  My non Christian friends have rarely helped me in my personal walk.

Job 2:11 Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

I have gone through some tough times this past year and a half.  It was during this difficulty I saw who my real friends were.  The ones checking in to see how not only my husband was doing during his healing, but also how I was doing.  The people who wouldn't take no for an answer & were dropping off food to lighten my load.  The friend who inadvertently was audience to my meltdown and not only forgave me for it... but reminded me that it was ok.  The ones who drop cards in the mail, texted me and have just simply been there.

Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

As I have realized that I not only want & NEED more Christian friends... I have also realized that in order to have them... I also need to be a good friend.  I need to do for others the very things I would want done for me.  I need to always be willing to go above and beyond for them.  I need to put in the effort, the same or more, as they do.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”   CS Lewis

Man was not meant to be alone.  We were made for community.  We were called to be together.  In worship and in living our lives.

* Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog