Can a marriage be saved?

It's a cliche that we hear in movies.... "We don't have anything in common anymore."

It's usually the line that precedes the break up of a couple.

So, what happens when you find yourself in that position?

It happened in a conversation one evening, between a seemingly happy married couple.  He wanted physical intimacy, and that need was not being met.  She wanted emotional intimacy, and that need was not being met.  In what started as a heated argument about who should bend and catch 22's... "if you... then I..." statements.  It happened.

She said:  I don't feel connected to you.  You are at work all day.  Distracted when you get home for hours.  I feel ignored the better part of the evening.  Then when we come to bed, you thinking watching a 30 minute tv show together is enough.  I feel disconnected from you, I feel like you give me what you have left over instead of your best.

He said: You are right.  I don't know you anymore, and I haven't made the effort to.  "We don't have anything in common anymore".

Her heart sank.  Those words always lead to divorce.

She got very quiet.  Tears streaming down her face.

After a pause, he continued:   That is not good enough.  I have to change that.


What made me share this conversation, was the introduction I had been given to a website that focuses on the effects of divorce upon children.  It made me think about my parents divorce.  It made me think of some of our most difficult moments in our marriage.

I believe, firmly, that most marriages can be saved.  Even when we don't have anything in common anymore.  We don't have to walk away.  We just have to make the choice, to take a chance and make a change.

When I first met my husband we had 2 things in common.  The first was our group of friends, and the second was skating.  I was a skater girl and he was a skater boi.  Ha.  Other than that, I knew no other things that we would have in common.  It came over time, conversations when we were out with our friends.  Conversations when we were dating.  We learned there were a LOT of things we had in common.  Over the years, to be honest, my husband's interests haven't changed much.  Mine have.  I am not the same woman he married.

He has two choices.  He can leave, or he can get to know the woman I have become.

My husband chose the latter, and made the decision to begin dating me again.  Getting to know my interests, trying to have conversations with me about what he thinks I may be interested in, etc.

I have two choices.  I can leave things as is, being strangers in our own home.  Or, I can let him in & start introducing him to the things that interest me.

I chose the latter.

And that is what marriage is... not just a commitment, but a choice to continue that commitment, to reshape it, to learn about each other all over again.

Can a marriage be saved?  Yes.

You just have to be willing to do the work.  Some will require more work, more time.

In what felt like a second, I was done. Broken. Mending.

Throughout the Old and New Testaments there are instances where people literally were so upset that they tore at their clothes.  In all instances it came at a time where a person was so distressed, so grieved by what was happening around them, that they literally tore at their clothing, sometimes stripping them off and other times leaving them in shreds.  

There were instances where this occurred because someone was mourning a death.  Others were instances where someone anointed by God was mourning over the behavior of those around them, particularly in response to lack of faithfulness or disobedience by God's people.

Joel 2:12-14
“Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

¹³ Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
¹⁴ Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God.

Rend = tear (something) into two or more pieces.

The Lord wants us to come to Him with our broken hearts.  And more importantly God wants what breaks our heart, to be the same thing that breaks His.  Because, when we are broken for God... we are bound to act on His behalf to heal those wounds.

We feed, clothe and shelter the needy.

We rescue those in despair.

We support and encourage the broken in spirit.

While my heart breaks for these people.... I have never been broken to the point of tearing at my clothes for them.  I never understood that part of scripture, being so broken by this world that I would literally tear at myself, with my own two hands.    

Then it happened the 1st time.  But, I admit I wasn't grieved for God.  It was a result of an argument with my husband.  It was the only time, he ever walked out of our bedroom and slept on the couch.  The argument was stupid, to be honest, we were both wrong in allowing something so ridiculous to escalate to that point.  I began to weep in a way that I had never known in my life.  And I felt my hands grasping at my clothes.  My husband heard my cries and returned to me.  He could feel my despair, he was broken by my tears.  We apologized and reconciled.  It has never happened again.  But I learned a lot in that moment, I learned how much I loved my husband... more than I ever realized. I realized how important our marriage was to me.  I also realized and accepted my part in what brought us to that moment.  I saw the man whom I was angry at, return to me and become tender and compassionate.  I saw him accept his role in our argument.  We vowed to never come to this place again.  And, we haven't.

For the first time, I understood the actual physicality of that type of grief, mentioned in the bible so many times.    I understood what it meant to be so broken that you would literally tear the clothes off your body.  It would be several years later that I would experience this grief again, but this time... I was not grieving for myself.  I was grieving for God.

It had been a culmination of things.  I was being hit from different directions by Christians in my life, who were claiming to know what a "good Christian" does and doesn't do.  In some cases they were united in their attack on a certain subject, in other times they were divided.  Through online media sources, I would see more and more about Christians attacking other Christians.  People who are good willed, good natured people... just trying to get it right.  My heart began to break.  Slowly.  Then, all at once.  I was overwhelmed by emotion.  I found myself in my hall way, leaned against a wall, tearing at my clothes and weeping.... deep heaping sobs.... the only words coming out of my mouth were to God... asking "WHY?"

I can't even tell you how long this happened for, it felt like an eternity.  My heart was literally broken.  I spoke my heart to God that day. 

A week or two later, I was taking a spiritual gifts test.  When it came time to look at my scores, I wasn't really surprised by the results.  Gift of Administration, yeah.. I saw that coming.  But I was very sad, as I saw my score for Evangelism was so low.  I went to my mentor, to discuss this with her, because I was obviously failing at the great commission.    I mean, how do we go out and share the gospel... if we don't... go out... and share the gospel.    

It was in this conversation with my mentor, for the first time, I vocalized my broken heart for the church.  I told her that I found myself with greater concern over the division within the church, than I was about those who were not believers.  As we explored this topic... I broke down in tears.  She asked me why I was crying, and I said "It breaks my heart, because they should know better."

After a hug and some encouragement, and my lamenting that I really wished we had a person writing to churches on behalf of God.... she said, "You need to pray about what to do with this."

She didn't try and change me, or point me in the direction of evangelism.  She recognized that my heart was breaking, for something that was breaking God's heart.  The question was, "now what?".

I do not feel of any authority to write any particular church.  Who would listen to me?  Who am I?  But the question of "now what?" lingered.

My broken heart could not be mended if I sat complacent.  Indecisive.  Wallowing in my grief.

I prayed for peace.

Then I did the exact thing that people who have a gift for administration and teaching would do... I researched.  I turned to google with search topics like "letters to the churches of America"... "broken for the churches in America"... "the church breaks my heart".  

I found two very surprising things.

1) I was not alone.  There are others who are grieving with me.  Other people who were broken hearted about how we were treating one another, how divided we were.  Wondering, where was the unity that we should have in Christ?

2)  Not a single one of these letters were filled with any sort of hate speech.  There were not letters written by churches like "Westboro Baptist Church".  These were letters filled with love for God, love for people, and great pain at what was being witnessed in the church.  Written by every day people like you and I.

And as I poured through blog posts, articles, pastors websites, etc.... everything funneled back to one thing....DIVISIVENESS.

We, as a church, are supposed to be UNITED with each other UNDER God's authority, UNDER the blood of Christ, and UNDER the direction of the Holy Spirit.

We, as a church, are supposed to be IN the world, but not OF the world.  To stand apart from the world, to be seen as different.... salt, light.  Yet, not to be absent from it, walled up in our cities built by man made rules, regulations, and standards. 

We, as the church, are too busy fighting amongst ourselves about the most ridiculous of subjects, that we are seen as nothing more than hypocrites, fools and full of hate.

No wonder the world sees us as hate filled... when we can't even love our brothers and sisters in Christ!

We stand divided on issues that in the grand scheme of salvation bear NOT ONE SHRED OF IMPORTANCE.

God, doesn't care if your baptism is a sprinkle or a dunk, in a cement baptismal or in the open ocean.  

God, doesn't care what the name of your denomination is, so long as it is a bible believing & teaching church.  

God doesn't care how you feed your babies, teach your children, decorate your home, as much as he cares that WE HAVE OUR EYES TURNED TO CHRIST!   In fact, that is the ONLY THING that matters.  That is the ONLY THING that is important.  

We care.  We think our way is right, best and we will defend it against anyone who questions otherwise.... and even those who don't.  In fact we are almost offensive with it.   Not offensive, as in rude, inappropriate.  But offensive, like in football.... aggressive.  

I realized that God was breaking my heart for what breaks His.  He is broken over the divisiveness in our churches and amongst Christians.  He is broken hearted over the infighting between each other, which keeps us from being the love, light and salt He asked of us.  We put so much effort in defending ourselves and our beliefs/traditions/denominations/etc.... that we have nothing left to represent him with.

We are told in the scriptures to clothe ourselves with kindness, gentleness, compassion, etc.

Yet we spew venom at each other.

We are told in the scriptures to think of what is good, noble, pure, worthy, etc.

Yet we spend our time pointing at everything that is "wrong" in the world, without pointing to what is right.

We are told in the scriptures that the blessed are the meek, the poor, the peacemakers, etc.

Yet we spend more time attacking others and defending ourselves, than loving and helping.

We have allowed topics like... baptism procedure, bible translations, schooling choices, baby feeding, become SPIRITUAL debates.  We fight amongst each other, and take our eyes off of Jesus.

And the scariest part to me?  We don't realize it is happening.  We stand in our righteousness, not realizing we are being played by Satan ... like puppets on strings.

The battle is not between YOU and I over human decisions. The battle is between US and Satan. Because ANYTHING that distracts us from Jesus, is a victory for him.  Anything that causes division between us, creates division between us and Jesus.  Anything that causes us to sin against each other, creates a veil between us and God.  Anything that causes us pain, pains God.

WE break God's heart every day.

And we, as His children, hurt Him more than any non-believer.    When a neighborhood child said "I hate you" or disobeys my rules, I don't like it.  But, it's not a big deal to me.  You can't follow my rules, you are not welcome here. End of story.   But, when one of MY CHILDREN says those words... or disobey me... it hurts.  When I hear one of my children yell to their sibling "I hate you".... it hurts.  My heart breaks, and I immediately intervene and being the process of reconciliation. 

I imagine God feels even worse, when He witnesses fighting between us... His children.

My heart broke over the divisiveness in the church, amongst Christians.

And I am done.  I can't change you, but I can change ME.

I can only mend my heart by loving, as God has called me to love.  By giving the same mercy, grace, love and compassion that God has given to me. 

I will not be a divisive Christian any longer.

I choose to be focused on my own sins, my own shortcomings.  I have enough to work on in myself, I will leave YOUR WORK to the Holy Spirit.

I will show people Jesus, I will show them Christ through my actions and my life.  I will not try and sell them on my version of Jesus & what living with Christ looks like. I will let the Holy Spirit do that.  I'll just handle the introductions & love them.  Any work that has to be done, will be in my life and my house.  It's time for me to start whittling away at my plank.

 

Why must we know?

If you have ever been involved in a church that had some sort of leadership scandal, the protocol is usually the same.

Leader messes up.
Gets caught or feels conviction.
Confesses.
Resigns from Leadership.
Statement made to congregation about it.

Now depending on the church, how it goes from there can vary.

1) The statement to congregation may come from the resigning leader or a staff member (Pastor/Elder)

2)  The statement may contain a vague description of the offense or a detailed confession.

3)  If it is a vague description, the church MAY or MAY NOT give the option for members to individually seek out more information about the situation.  AKA... the nitty gritty details.

As a member, we are usually left with SOME information but not all information.

Just this week, a well known Pastor resigned from his church.  Because he is well known, it isn't a surprise that the media is all over the subject.  But they relied on the statement from the church, which was a vague description of the offense.

But, it didn't take long for those who had more information to start sharing it.

It didn't take long for concerned Christians to start praying for Pastor because of what he did.

I know this because it was showing up every where.  Blog articles.  Tweets.  Facebook. Text messages "did you hear?"

Why must we know?  Why do we need to know what he did in detail?  Why do we feel compelled to share that information in the media with tweets, hashtags, and facebook posts.  Why must we draw more attention to a situation that is already getting to much attention.

Why can't we be satisfied with the limited information?
Why can't we pray quietly in our homes vs. broadcasting our prayers on facebook?
Why can't we send a card in the mail or a private message /email that we are praying vs. letting them know via a hashtag in our media posting?

And if you don't have that close of a relationship with that Pastor (or whomever is caught in controversy) to know his direct contact information... should you even stick your nose in his business?  The family's business?  That church's business?

If it were you, would you want people responding the way you are?  Would you want me to hashtag your sins to the world?  I'd hope not.  So give others the same respect.

Transparency

I am a fairly transparent person, always have been.  To the point, that my mom wouldn't allow me to open gifts in front of people.  I wasn't rude.  She said you could read it on my face.

When I am happy, you know it.
When I am sad, you know it.
When I am angry.... um, yeah.... it's obvious.

When I speak, I say exactly what I mean.  I don't mince words.  There is no hidden subtext or agenda.  A question is just a question.  Nothing more than my settling my own curiosity.  If I have an issue with the situation or your answer, then I will speak my mind.  If I say nothing more, that means your answer satisfied my curiosity.

I also generally have an "agree to disagree" personality.  Which is why I can be friends with people who have different opinions than I do.... politics, religion, etc.  I don't mind if you have a differing opinion.  What I do have a problem with is when a person is expressing an opinion as fact, or that is 100% in accurate.

Recently someone very close to me hurt me very deeply.  Her comments stung not because of any conviction on my part... but because someone who I thought was so close to me would say something so horrible.... and untrue.

What also upset me was that this person was standing firmly in their righteous indignation, to the point of passing judgment upon others & expecting them to take this criticism .... totally unapologetic..... yet was the first person to throw a complete and total tantrum if someone where to dare correct her.

It brought me to this question:

Do we really want true authentic, transparent friendships?

Or do we really want a one way glass....where the other is transparent and we can pick them apart but yet our flaws are totally concealed to them, leaving us beyond reproof.

Making Friends

CS Lewis once wrote. “Is there any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of Christian friends by a good fire?” Over the years I am learning the truth of that statement, as it is something that is burning inside me to have and to develop. I have realized that I desire a deeper friendship with fellow Christians.  Not because I want to be exclusionary to non Christians... but I am finding that the more I hang out with Christians the deeper rooted my own faith is.  There is no greater memories that I have right now, than sitting around a table with my Christian friends... hysterically laughing, with tears streaming down our faces.

But there is even more than that.  As a mom, for many years, I was searching for the play dates.  The mom that I enjoyed hanging out with, and our kids enjoyed spending time together.  I often left my husband out of the equation, because these play dates were while he was at work.  These were my friends.  He had his own.  Yet, now, I realize that one day my kids are going to move out of this house.  My world will not revolve around them.  I want to have friends that my husband and I both like spending time with, so that long after the kids have left the nest... we are not sitting home alone on a Saturday night trying to entertain each other.

God also wants us to surround ourselves with good Christian friends.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

I want to have friends who have wisdom... as moms, wives, and sisters in Christ.  I want to get advice from those who share the same morals and values I do.  For they will not lead my astray from what God desires.  I have a good friend, and her husband travels a lot for work.  One of the things I have learned from her is that when he is home, family time is super important.  She won't make plans if it causes her to not be with the family during his short break home.  I want my family to realize that they are that important to me.

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Too often I have allowed myself to get into that verbal tit for tat about the negative things in this life.  Perhaps it is a complaint session about husbands; or a venting session about kids, parenting or school.  While I may have started out our time together in a good mood, I would find that by the time I left ... I was in a very bad mood.  I was angry at my husband.  I was angry at my kids.  I was angry at the world.  In some cases, the person I was with was poking at the fire to get it hotter.  It brought me no good.  Or, that person was so argumentative that my thoughts would completely be encompassed.  In a recent situation my husband flat out told me that he didn't want to hear me complain about that person any longer.  He didn't even understand why we were friends.  That created some self examination on my part.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

I need someone in my life that encourages me in the difficult moments.  That helps me to be a better person and better Christian.  I can only do this by surrounding myself with those who can fit this purpose.  My non Christian friends have rarely helped me in my personal walk.

Job 2:11 Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

I have gone through some tough times this past year and a half.  It was during this difficulty I saw who my real friends were.  The ones checking in to see how not only my husband was doing during his healing, but also how I was doing.  The people who wouldn't take no for an answer & were dropping off food to lighten my load.  The friend who inadvertently was audience to my meltdown and not only forgave me for it... but reminded me that it was ok.  The ones who drop cards in the mail, texted me and have just simply been there.

Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

As I have realized that I not only want & NEED more Christian friends... I have also realized that in order to have them... I also need to be a good friend.  I need to do for others the very things I would want done for me.  I need to always be willing to go above and beyond for them.  I need to put in the effort, the same or more, as they do.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”   CS Lewis

Man was not meant to be alone.  We were made for community.  We were called to be together.  In worship and in living our lives.

* Written by Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog