Can a marriage be saved?

It's a cliche that we hear in movies.... "We don't have anything in common anymore."

It's usually the line that precedes the break up of a couple.

So, what happens when you find yourself in that position?

It happened in a conversation one evening, between a seemingly happy married couple.  He wanted physical intimacy, and that need was not being met.  She wanted emotional intimacy, and that need was not being met.  In what started as a heated argument about who should bend and catch 22's... "if you... then I..." statements.  It happened.

She said:  I don't feel connected to you.  You are at work all day.  Distracted when you get home for hours.  I feel ignored the better part of the evening.  Then when we come to bed, you thinking watching a 30 minute tv show together is enough.  I feel disconnected from you, I feel like you give me what you have left over instead of your best.

He said: You are right.  I don't know you anymore, and I haven't made the effort to.  "We don't have anything in common anymore".

Her heart sank.  Those words always lead to divorce.

She got very quiet.  Tears streaming down her face.

After a pause, he continued:   That is not good enough.  I have to change that.


What made me share this conversation, was the introduction I had been given to a website that focuses on the effects of divorce upon children.  It made me think about my parents divorce.  It made me think of some of our most difficult moments in our marriage.

I believe, firmly, that most marriages can be saved.  Even when we don't have anything in common anymore.  We don't have to walk away.  We just have to make the choice, to take a chance and make a change.

When I first met my husband we had 2 things in common.  The first was our group of friends, and the second was skating.  I was a skater girl and he was a skater boi.  Ha.  Other than that, I knew no other things that we would have in common.  It came over time, conversations when we were out with our friends.  Conversations when we were dating.  We learned there were a LOT of things we had in common.  Over the years, to be honest, my husband's interests haven't changed much.  Mine have.  I am not the same woman he married.

He has two choices.  He can leave, or he can get to know the woman I have become.

My husband chose the latter, and made the decision to begin dating me again.  Getting to know my interests, trying to have conversations with me about what he thinks I may be interested in, etc.

I have two choices.  I can leave things as is, being strangers in our own home.  Or, I can let him in & start introducing him to the things that interest me.

I chose the latter.

And that is what marriage is... not just a commitment, but a choice to continue that commitment, to reshape it, to learn about each other all over again.

Can a marriage be saved?  Yes.

You just have to be willing to do the work.  Some will require more work, more time.

Blind sided by our Children

There is a person in my life who is entirely blind sided by her children.   She has a very open relationship with her kids, they can talk about anything.  This is great.  But they also have a very protective relationship over their children, with a lot of expectations of them.  It particularly evident in their restrictions upon dating.

We are little more open to "dating" than they are.

One of the things that has begun to happen is that their eldest daughter is finding ways to get around their rules and restrictions.  One of these methods to help her stay under the radar is by throwing my daughter under the bus.

You see, she knows all the right "Christian" things to say to her parents to get their trust and respect.  She talks about not wanting to date.  She even points her finger at my daughter and says that she doesn't want to be "boy crazy" like her.  (Mind you, my daughter is hardly boy crazy).  Her parents believe her.  And so they trust her.

It happened not that long ago that their daughter invited herself to a sleepover at our house.  The girls plans were to go to the mall the next day and "window shop".  Then my daughter suddenly canceled the plans.  This was very out of character for her.    When I was finally able to get the reason from her, I found out that her friend was using us.  She was the one who really wanted to go to the mall, and she was planning to "accidentally" run into a boy there.  A boy she really likes.

The same boy she has been selling to her parents as a "nice guy, but not my type".

Several months later, I found a few note books in the trash.  I was checking them to see if they were full or if there was any paper still left.  This is pretty common from school.  They will have a notebook or composition book and only use about 1/3 of it.  We tear out the pages and the kids use it around the house for journals, sketching, etc.

It happened that one of them my daughter had started to use as a journal. I couldn't help it, I read it.

In it she was lamenting about how her friend's mom sees her as some sort of boy crazy "slut" but in fact her friend has had more "boyfriends" and had "done more things with boys" than she had.  She went on about the cancelled sleepover & how she didn't want to be involved in deceiving her friends mom.  She didn't want to be blamed as a bad influence.  She didn't her friend using her.  She didn't want to potentially hurt the relationship between this mom and I, by putting me in this position.

I was really proud of my daughter, she recognized these things & made the right decision to protect herself and her family.  I was really sad for this girl, because I know where lies and deception can get you.  And I was hurt that my daughter recognized this woman as someone who looked down on us, all while calling us friends.  She knew her friend's mom saw her in an unflattering light.

Ladies, parents... lets be very real.  Our children know us.  They know what to say, what we want to hear.  If we don't keep at least a small dose of skepticism in our trust of them.... we are going to be blindsided. 

My job, my mission.

When I was in high school, it was so very clear to me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I wanted to be an actress.  Not a just a famous actress, but a respected actress.  Think less Lindsay Lohan and more Meryl Streep.

God had different plans for me.

But, I can't lie that bend towards doing or being something great in my life has never gone away.

When I started down the line of Drama Ministry, I thought I could end up well known and respected there.  When I started script writing, I thought that would be my place in the world.

When I started serving in Women's Ministry, I thought I'd become a speaker.... and that would take me down the road to writing a book, and perhaps one day when you bought your tickets for Women of Faith ... you'd be coming to see me.

Again, this was never from a place of just being successful, but respected.

Which is something that gets me on another tangent.  So many of the texts for husbands and wives talk about him wanting respect, while she wants love.  And while yes, I do want love... I really want my husband's respect.  But that, my friends, is a topic for another day.

I am a woman who wants to be respected.  I thought that respect would come from doing something great.  And it did, but not in the way I imagined.

It came in the form of a baby, swaddled and handed to me.  A life that I would have a chance to mold into a person better than I have ever been.   Not realizing it would be she that would make me a better person.  That this little bundle would reconcile me with my Savior, in a way greater than ever before.

When she was just about to hit school age, I thought to myself "now is the time" and I called up my agent and said I was ready to work again.  Less than a year later, God said WAIT.  Another swaddling bundle would enter my world.  This time not only did I once again have a great mission in impacting this child, but it would be that as a result of her conception, my life would be saved.  It would draw attention to the cells trying to attack my body & we would be able to catch it before it became a vicious cancer.  When she was about to hit school age, I thought again.... NOW is the time.

But God would once again say WAIT.  A third precious bundle would come into my world and bring with it peace.   One daughter brought me to God on my knees.  One daughter saved my life from disease.  One daughter would fill my life with peace.  I was amongst the least of these, and they were the ones making ME a better person, a better Christian.

As this third precious child was about to enter her school years.... I had a thought.  NOW is NOT the time.  My last bundle was walking into the world and my oldest child was entering the last 4 years of her adolescence.    Now is not the time for me to do anything but focus on the mission that God set before me.  My mission is motherhood.  The greatest mission ever.  The greatest impact I can make on the world, is by pouring myself into them, and pointing them to the cross.