She didn't change. She was wearing a mask and it fell off.

I read that as part of a quote the other day.  It really got me thinking.

There is a little girl in our neighborhood, and she is the one who is "in the know".  If you want to know anything about the kids your children play with... you need to find this child amongst their circle.

One day, I started asking her some random questions.  Very casually.  I now know everything I need to know about which friendships to encourage & which to discourage.

There was that one particular girl in the neighborhood that I was suspicious of.  She was always nice and courteous.  However my instincts could not be swayed, there was something unsettling about her. I had no proof.  Until our "in the know" kid was able to fill me in.  She concluded her tale with the fact this girl had changed, and she just didn't like who she had become. 

Now, I think that quite possibly the truth was:  "She didn't change.  She was wearing a mask and it fell off."

I was suspect of her, because of age, wisdom and experience.  But to a child, it appeared that she went from a "good friend" to a "bad friend".

Today, I had lunch with a friend.  A few years ago, one of her friendships ended.  I asked her, "Did she change?".  My friend replied, "I don't think I knew who she really was.  I think she hid her real self very well."

All of this perspective has me examining my past relationships with people.  I had always felt that the reason our relationships ended was because something had changed.  I now wonder if these people really changed, or instead did their mask fall off.  I finally saw the person behind the mask.  

As I get older and wiser, I seem to be figuring these things out faster.  And, I wonder....

Is the mask falling off sooner... or am I knocking it off?

Confirmation

Have you ever been waiting in anticipation for a package to arrive?

You check the shipping confirmation and you read those words "in transit". Wondering, what does that mean?  Did it actually leave their hands?  Is it in transit to the sorting facility?  Is it on it's way to me?

You really don't know for sure, and you keep checking.  You are waiting for the words "Out for delivery".   But, we don't always get that confirmation.  It depends on what service the package was shipped with.   So, sometimes... we just have to wait in anticipation.

This is exactly what it is like waiting for an apology.

We set the ball in motion.  We understand that it can take time.  But we find ways to keep checking in on it.  Perhaps we check their facebook page or their blog, to see if they are wrestling at all with how to handle things.  Or, maybe we are just wanting to keep tabs on what is going on in the interim with them or their family.

We wait.

Checking in, looking for that confirmation that the apology is on the way.

Recently, I found myself in this position.  I really thought I was reading all the signs correctly that my apology was "in transit".

You see, I had apologized.  I had recognized the areas where I failed the person.  I also called attention to some misinformation and assumptions.  I did my best to explain myself over and over again.  I realized it was time to wait, to allow the person to take the time they needed to evaluate the situation.

The ball began rolling, I noticed little things here and there.  And I thought surely the apology from them would be on the way.

I also knew that there was no way our friendship could be restored with out that person being accountable for their part in the dissolution.  I actually sought counseling within my church over the situation, I was brutally honest with them and myself.  If I was wrong, I needed to hear it.  And, I was wrong in some areas.  I was not the best friend I could have been.  I was being the friend I would have wanted, and not the friend they needed.  I recognized it.  I apologized.

The ball had left my court.  I needed to be patient.

It happened today.  The confirmation that I needed.

There was no apology on the way.  The person still saw me with the tainted vision that ended the friendship.  Their opinion of me had changed in no way.  Which also meant they were still seeing themselves as a victim & not willing to take ownership or be accountable.

I got the confirmation that my package was "lost".

I'm not sure what happened.  I don't know if I misread the signs.  Or, if something derailed it. But I have to accept that the apology is not coming.  The friendship is completely dissolved. It would take an act of God to restore it.

That last glimmer of a human chance, it has passed.

And, I am totally at peace with it.

When a relationship is facing the end... marriage... friendship... and familial... I feel we have to ask ourselves one question:

Did I do everything I could to save it?

If you can answer YES, you walk away with a peace that is beyond explanation.
If you don't feel peace, then you know the truth.  You didn't do everything possible.
If you constantly need to justify your leaving.  You didn't do everything possible.
If you regularly have to convince yourself that you were right.  You didn't do everything possible.

I have approached her privately.
I have approached her publicly.
I went directly to her husband, when she wouldn't listen or misunderstood me.
I went to her mother, for advice on how to speak to her.  Thinking this woman would know her better than anyone else.
I wrote emails, texts, letters, etc.
I explained myself.
I admitted my mistakes.
I apologized.
I reached out for reconciliation.
I recognized the impending doom of our friendship, if tensions went ignored.
I sought counsel from my mentor and church.

I sought the counsel of my husband.

What more can one do?

Just pray.  I pray for her.  Because, in my heart... I still love that family. But until their can be accountability on both sides, reconciliation is stalled.

The more I pray, the more my heart softens toward her.  It may not change her, but my prayers change the way I feel about her.  And, in fact, today I realized for the first time... I haven't given up hope for reconciliation.  In God's time.  Not my own.

So I keep praying.

IS IT ME?

Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends.  When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out.  I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on.  By college, I didn't care about friendship at all.  I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.

Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends.  When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends.  I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children.  But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done.  My youngest was the age of their oldest.  Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about.  I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training.  The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.

Then I started making some new friends.  A little here and there.  Things were looking good.  But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change.  One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess.  Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it.  And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were.  I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening.  I told my husband the whole bit.  I told him I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving.  I was the same person I always way.  I hadn't changed.  But it seemed like they did and were changing.  I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way.  I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.

He said... "Maybe it IS you."

I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right.  I asked him to expound on it.  He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it.  I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser.  I shared what was going on.  I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions.  I shared how these people were responding.  I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.

One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women?  IT IS YOU.

I was changing.  Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.

What was changing?

- I wanted more authentic relationships with people.  I was done with superficial face time talk.  I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships.  Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.

In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life".  The answer was, nothing.  It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her.  Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath.  I couldn't just say something, always it was read into.  It was unhealthy.  It brought me no good.  When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."

He was right.  It was over.

In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different.  There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life.  She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her.  So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.

The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too.  This was not just my imagination.  The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me.  When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does.  I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I explained that it was never my intention.

While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings.  For that I am sorry. 

Now the balls sits in her court.

I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.

As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close.  I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck.  Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.

I have an amazing family and an amazing God.