Blind sided by our Children

There is a person in my life who is entirely blind sided by her children.   She has a very open relationship with her kids, they can talk about anything.  This is great.  But they also have a very protective relationship over their children, with a lot of expectations of them.  It particularly evident in their restrictions upon dating.

We are little more open to "dating" than they are.

One of the things that has begun to happen is that their eldest daughter is finding ways to get around their rules and restrictions.  One of these methods to help her stay under the radar is by throwing my daughter under the bus.

You see, she knows all the right "Christian" things to say to her parents to get their trust and respect.  She talks about not wanting to date.  She even points her finger at my daughter and says that she doesn't want to be "boy crazy" like her.  (Mind you, my daughter is hardly boy crazy).  Her parents believe her.  And so they trust her.

It happened not that long ago that their daughter invited herself to a sleepover at our house.  The girls plans were to go to the mall the next day and "window shop".  Then my daughter suddenly canceled the plans.  This was very out of character for her.    When I was finally able to get the reason from her, I found out that her friend was using us.  She was the one who really wanted to go to the mall, and she was planning to "accidentally" run into a boy there.  A boy she really likes.

The same boy she has been selling to her parents as a "nice guy, but not my type".

Several months later, I found a few note books in the trash.  I was checking them to see if they were full or if there was any paper still left.  This is pretty common from school.  They will have a notebook or composition book and only use about 1/3 of it.  We tear out the pages and the kids use it around the house for journals, sketching, etc.

It happened that one of them my daughter had started to use as a journal. I couldn't help it, I read it.

In it she was lamenting about how her friend's mom sees her as some sort of boy crazy "slut" but in fact her friend has had more "boyfriends" and had "done more things with boys" than she had.  She went on about the cancelled sleepover & how she didn't want to be involved in deceiving her friends mom.  She didn't want to be blamed as a bad influence.  She didn't her friend using her.  She didn't want to potentially hurt the relationship between this mom and I, by putting me in this position.

I was really proud of my daughter, she recognized these things & made the right decision to protect herself and her family.  I was really sad for this girl, because I know where lies and deception can get you.  And I was hurt that my daughter recognized this woman as someone who looked down on us, all while calling us friends.  She knew her friend's mom saw her in an unflattering light.

Ladies, parents... lets be very real.  Our children know us.  They know what to say, what we want to hear.  If we don't keep at least a small dose of skepticism in our trust of them.... we are going to be blindsided. 

Bringing Truth to Life....

If there’s something Jesus needs to address with you, so be it. But remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Jesus doesn’t use the statements, “You always do this..” and “You never do that..” Jesus doesn’t use our situations against us.

He simply brings truth to life and asks us to align with it.

Lysa TerKeurst

 Sometimes someone else says it better.

IS IT ME?

Growing up, I was a lone wolf. I was quite content being on my own. I didn't mind having just a few close friends instead of a slew of acquaintances and fair weather friends.  When I got to high school, I did have a few moments where I got jealous of those who seemed to have friends in droves and I was home alone on a Friday night because my few friends couldn't hang out.  I didn't have a phone book of people who I could fall back on.  By college, I didn't care about friendship at all.  I just wanted to have fun, so I had a lot of people I knew and spent time with... but none I would call true friends.

Now that I am older, I was back on the path of wanting just a few close friends.  When we moved to our current city, I started looking for friends.  I managed to get a few close friends, that all had young children.  But, you see they were still adding to their families and we were done.  My youngest was the age of their oldest.  Over time the interests of our children changed & we didn't have as much to talk about.  I was dealing with teenage things, and they were dealing with potty training.  The friendships took a very natural decline. We are still friends, don't get me wrong, but the playdates have ended.

Then I started making some new friends.  A little here and there.  Things were looking good.  But in the last 6 months there has been a drastic change.  One friendship crashed and burned, it was a horrible mess.  Another seems to be going that same course, and I can't seem to stop it.  And then others I am finding were not as strong as I thought they were.  I found myself crying in the kitchen one evening.  I told my husband the whole bit.  I told him I didn't understand.  I didn't understand how some of my best friendships were dissolving.  I was the same person I always way.  I hadn't changed.  But it seemed like they did and were changing.  I told him that I felt like anything I said to them was taken the wrong way.  I shared about multiple occasions were others who I thought I was friends with, were getting together and hanging out often... but I was never invited.

He said... "Maybe it IS you."

I looked at him, wide eyed... tears falling.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if he was right.  I asked him to expound on it.  He didn't mean that maybe I was doing things wrong, but rather that something in me was changing and I didn't notice it.  I reached out to a couple of women who I know that are older & wiser.  I shared what was going on.  I was honest about my behavior, what I said, my opinions.  I shared how these people were responding.  I shared about how I was feeling left out of things, and thought these were closer friendships than they were.

One of the overwhelming conclusions from the women?  IT IS YOU.

I was changing.  Not in a bad way, but definitely changing.

What was changing?

- I wanted more authentic relationships with people.  I was done with superficial face time talk.  I wanted real, genuine, friendships.
- I wanted Christian friends who brought the best out in me and encouraged me, not friends who were going to bring me down.
- I wanted accountability partners in these friendships.  Put me back in line when I falter and allow me to do the same for you.
- I wanted to be able to speak frankly without having to sugar coat and walk on egg shells.
- I didn't want to waste my precious time away from my family on something that wasn't doing any good.

In the friendship that crashed and burned, the final straw came when my husband asked me "In the last year, what did (Friend's Name) do or say, that brought anything good or positive to your life".  The answer was, nothing.  It had been a year of being constantly on the defensive with her.  Walking on egg shells, either agreeing with her or facing her wrath.  I couldn't just say something, always it was read into.  It was unhealthy.  It brought me no good.  When I told him this, his reply was quick... "Then, it's over."

He was right.  It was over.

In this current downward spiral, I made a decision this one was different.  There was good and positive things that she and her family brought to my life.  She was a good person, a good influence in many areas, and there when I needed her.  So, I finally just had to ask her what was going on.

The good news, I guess you can call it that, was that she saw it too.  This was not just my imagination.  The bad news, is that I didn't (and still don't) see where she is coming from in her response toward me.  When I review the last year, I don't see things the way she does.  I did what I could, I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I explained that it was never my intention.

While I am not responsible for her reactions to things over the last year, or that she misinterpreted or made assumptions that were not at all true.... I did hurt her feelings.  For that I am sorry. 

Now the balls sits in her court.

I don't know if this friendship is broken or just bent.

As for the rest... you have to realize that not all friendships are going to be really close.  I can accept them as casual friendships, or I can decide to let those cards fall back into the deck.  Instead of focusing on those who are not my friend or close as I would like... I should focus on making new friends, repairing the friendships I want to keep to the best of my ability, and being grateful that regardless of the # of friends I have ... I am never alone.

I have an amazing family and an amazing God.