Leaders Listen.

Whether you find yourself leading your home, or leading a church or an organization... LISTENING is a huge factor in successful leadership.

As I said in a previous post, I attended an amazing conference this weekend, The Gospel Coalition's National Women's Conference, in Orlando Florida.  I actually happened upon the article, on their website while I was killing time.

This quote jumped out of the article at me, as if it was written in crimson lettering.

Godly leaders must listen to Christ, who is their Head (cf. Eph. 4:15). But godly leaders must also listen to the people they lead (cf. Acts 6:1-6.)

                                                                                        Leaders Listen  by Jen Pollock Michel

It is important that as leaders we are in fact listening to God first, just as the article suggests.  Yet too often we forget to listen to those we are leading.  The article is really written toward men, Pastors, about listening to the women in the church's needs.  Indicating that since they are male, do not understand those needs by nature, they really need to listen to the women in order to understand their needs & be able to provide them.

But, my thoughts went beyond that, into our homes, our families, our relationships with others, and our own leadership of other women.


There is a difference between leading from in front vs. directing from above.


If you missed the link the article CLICK HERE

Movement.

This weekend I attended The Gospel Coalition's National Women's Conference, in Orlando FL.   The woman who arrived, and the woman who left... simply are not the same person.

Prior to this conference, I was in a "state of shift".  My friend, Jane, coined that phrase in reference to that time period where you know that a change is going to happen, but you are not sure what it is.  And, I think it's a pretty good description.  If you have ever driven a manual transmission car (aka stick shift, or 5 speed) you will know shifting is the act of moving from one gear to the next.  You start in first gear, shift to second, and so on. 

When you drive a manual transmission car, there is a cue that it is time to shift from one gear into the next.  In the past, you would watch the RPMs to know when to shift.  In the more modern, smart cars, there is an indicator to let you know to shift (aka "the dummy light").  But for those of us who have been driving manual cars for a long time, we can actually feel a change in the car, it tells us that it is time to shift.

The good news is that with a car, you know where you are shifting to.  The next gear.  However, in life, when you start feeling that need to shift....  you are not always certain where you are shifting to.

It is exciting.

It is, also, terrifying.  

The unknown.

By the end of the conference, I was no longer in a "state of shift" but instead I was in forward movement.  Some very clear directions were delivered to me.  I have a place to shift to.  I still don't know the final destination, but that is ok.  When driving a manual car, you don't shift from first gear to fifth.  You have to work up through the rest of the gears first.

I have a lot to say in the coming weeks about the conference itself, so I'm leaving a bit of a cliffhanger. 

But right now, I sit back in awe.  Listening to the Word of God.  Following His directions for today, and letting tomorrow worry about itself.

Stranded

It was one of those moments that can send a parent into a panic.  My van wouldn't' start.  I was stranded at home. My children were not.  I was leaving the house to pick them up from VBS and the van wouldn't start.  My children were stranded at the church.

I left a message for one of the volunteers.  But, the longer it took for me to hear back, the more panicked I was.  Thus began a mass of phone calls and text messages to every volunteer I knew would be there after the initial exodus of parents and children.  Every parent that I knew would be there picking up their children.  Particularly the ones I knew would most likely linger to talk or help afterwards.

All of this despite my knowledge that my children were safe, couldn't possibly be in a better location for this to have had happened, full of people who would know something must have happened for me to not be there.  I knew that someone would notice my children, and even if everyone I reached out to didn't see my number or text on their phones, I'd be getting a phone call from the church.  I knew my children wouldn't be left behind.

Yet I was a wreck.  I was in a panic.  I just needed to know that someone got my message.  I needed that reassurance to settle my panic.

The enemy knows what buttons to push.  He knows the things that upset us, worry us, concern us and frighten us.  He will use this knowledge to find ways to disrupt our peace, corrupt our thinking, obscure our clarity and tear at our hearts. 

Isaiah 41:10 reads  "Do not panic.  I'm with you.  There is no need to fear because I am your god.  I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. 

Father God, you are faithful to your promises and your word tells us that no word from you will ever fail.  In my weakness you are my strength.  In my pain you are my comforter.  Help me Lord, to ignore the influence of the enemy and rely on your word.  Help me to abandon my fears and worries and keep my trust in your promises.  I have nothing to fear, for you are my protector, my refuge, my rock and I lay my burdens at your feet.  Amen.

* Written By Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotions

Can a marriage be saved?

It's a cliche that we hear in movies.... "We don't have anything in common anymore."

It's usually the line that precedes the break up of a couple.

So, what happens when you find yourself in that position?

It happened in a conversation one evening, between a seemingly happy married couple.  He wanted physical intimacy, and that need was not being met.  She wanted emotional intimacy, and that need was not being met.  In what started as a heated argument about who should bend and catch 22's... "if you... then I..." statements.  It happened.

She said:  I don't feel connected to you.  You are at work all day.  Distracted when you get home for hours.  I feel ignored the better part of the evening.  Then when we come to bed, you thinking watching a 30 minute tv show together is enough.  I feel disconnected from you, I feel like you give me what you have left over instead of your best.

He said: You are right.  I don't know you anymore, and I haven't made the effort to.  "We don't have anything in common anymore".

Her heart sank.  Those words always lead to divorce.

She got very quiet.  Tears streaming down her face.

After a pause, he continued:   That is not good enough.  I have to change that.


What made me share this conversation, was the introduction I had been given to a website that focuses on the effects of divorce upon children.  It made me think about my parents divorce.  It made me think of some of our most difficult moments in our marriage.

I believe, firmly, that most marriages can be saved.  Even when we don't have anything in common anymore.  We don't have to walk away.  We just have to make the choice, to take a chance and make a change.

When I first met my husband we had 2 things in common.  The first was our group of friends, and the second was skating.  I was a skater girl and he was a skater boi.  Ha.  Other than that, I knew no other things that we would have in common.  It came over time, conversations when we were out with our friends.  Conversations when we were dating.  We learned there were a LOT of things we had in common.  Over the years, to be honest, my husband's interests haven't changed much.  Mine have.  I am not the same woman he married.

He has two choices.  He can leave, or he can get to know the woman I have become.

My husband chose the latter, and made the decision to begin dating me again.  Getting to know my interests, trying to have conversations with me about what he thinks I may be interested in, etc.

I have two choices.  I can leave things as is, being strangers in our own home.  Or, I can let him in & start introducing him to the things that interest me.

I chose the latter.

And that is what marriage is... not just a commitment, but a choice to continue that commitment, to reshape it, to learn about each other all over again.

Can a marriage be saved?  Yes.

You just have to be willing to do the work.  Some will require more work, more time.

What is really important? God.

I was reflecting back today on a great piece of wisdom.  For Mother's Day, we held an intimate celebration at our church.  We invited a panel of "moms" from the church to speak, instead of hiring in a professional speaker.

We gave them some leading questions.

What did you expect motherhood would look like?
What has motherhood been like in reality?
What advice do you give to moms?
How did God get you through this journey?

We had a variety of women.

The veteran grandmother.
The new grandmother.
The woman who was diagnosed with PPD.
The woman who had a child diagnosed with a disability.

You get the picture.

It was the last speaker, the seasoned grandmother, who said something that struck me as really profound.

In a nutshell, she said the only thing that is important is God.  That we introduce them to God, that we encourage the relationship with God.  That we remain consistent in our relationship with God.  That we are a positive reminder in their life of the goodness of God.

Their education, is great.  But not the most important thing.
Their participation is sports and activities, great.  But not the most important thing.
Totally healthy, organic diet... wonderful.  But not the most important thing.

And the more she spoke, the more I realized the VERY THINGS WE ALLOW TO DIVIDE US A CHRISTIANS.... are the very things that are not important.

Maybe they just don't want it? Or even need it?

A huge challenge that faces Women's Ministry teams is connecting with our younger counterparts.  They are the young women who are no longer part of the youth group, but not ready for the MOPS group.  They may be college aged, or in the early to mid thirties.  They are possibly married, maybe still single.  They have no kids.  No commitments.  They may have some disposable income, or on a fixed budget.

Regardless, the idea of coming to a Women's Ministry brunch is not appealing to them.

They see it a comfort food potluck.
Full of fancy decorations or shabby chic had made pieces.
They see tea, coffee and lemonade.
The speaker talks about marriage problems, friendship problems, kid problems.

This doesn't appeal to the young single woman, who is going out dancing on Friday Nights, taking boat trips on the weekends, hanging out a wine bar with her friends, or shopping with her sisters.  She has dates to go on, possibly to meet Mr. Right.  Her friends are getting married & she is part of that team.  She hops on planes and travels to exotic locations.

She doesn't want to get up early on a Saturday morning, her only day to sleep in.

What does Women's Ministry do to meet these women?  They start peppering in "Ladies Night Out" events where they go to a pottery class or art studio.  They invite women from the church to share their testimonies versus hiring in speakers on special topics.  They update their decor.  They reach out to these young women at retreats.  But yet, this doesn't seem to be enough to engage them for long term relationships in the ministry.

We then start trying new things... ice skating at night, or a dinner out.  Yet the young women don't show.  And the older women don't either.  They plan a brunch at a local restaurant to remove the pressure of cooking, it doesn't change the demographic of women who come. 

Leaving a Women's Ministry team to wonder:  What they are doing wrong?

I'm going to pose the idea that we are doing NOTHING WRONG, EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I am coming to a place where, I think, I understand the issue.  The issue is we are trying to include people who do not need or want to be included.  This is not something we should be offended by either.  It is ok if they don't come.

Women come to Women's Ministry events for about 4 general reasons.

1) Obligation.  Some come simply because they think they are supposed to. 

2) Desire to Connect. They come because they want and even need the fellowship, they are looking to make friendships with other believers. 

3) The Speaker or Subject.  They come because the speaker is their friend, and they are supporting her.  Or because the topic the speaker  is of interest.  Or for the "ladies night" activities, they come because they like to paint or go kayaking.

4) They Seek Jesus.  They are looking to learn and relate more to Jesus in a less intimidating setting.  Perhaps they are not ready to dive into a small group or bible study class.

On the other hand, women do NOT come for the exact OPPOSITE reasons.

1)  Not Obligated.   They don't feel an obligation to come.   It could be because they see it as antiquated and for the older women in the church.  Depending on their history, they may have been raised in a church that didn't have an active women's ministry. 

2) They are Already Connected.   Generally speaking the younger women have circle of friends who are just like them.  They have not entered that new area of adulthood where marriage, kids, finances and other obligations are consuming their time and energy.  They have friends, through college or church, already.  Their "dance cards" are full. 

3)  The Speaker or Subject, is Irrelevant.  As a young, unmarried, childless, woman.... these topics may not even be on her radar yet.  Rekindling your marriage, navigating motherhood, creating friendships... are simply not important.  YET.

4)  She Seeks Jesus.  She comes to church.  She is part of a young adults group, or even still helping out as leader with the Youth Ministry.  She is reading her bible at home.  She even has more time to go on missions trips and conferences, because she doesn't have the same restraints on her time, as the married mom or wise grandmother.  Women's Ministry events are not her path to Jesus.

So, how did I come to these conclusions? 

It was really quite simple.  I reached out to a bunch of women who fit the demographic we were looking to connect with.  I asked for their input.  I was really direct, that we as a ministry felt we were failing to meet their needs.  I asked for what we could change or what types of activities would appeal to them.

Time passed.

Nothing.

Literally, NOTHING.

For a long time.

Then, a brief email popped across my inbox...

"I'm just seeing this, sorry.  I'll think about this and get back to you."

And, I'm still waiting.

That was when it hit me.  Women's Ministry was not important to this demographic.  Not because Women's Ministry isn't important. But rather, because this particular group of women don't need it.

Not yet.

One day, they will.

And we will be to welcome them.

She didn't change. She was wearing a mask and it fell off.

I read that as part of a quote the other day.  It really got me thinking.

There is a little girl in our neighborhood, and she is the one who is "in the know".  If you want to know anything about the kids your children play with... you need to find this child amongst their circle.

One day, I started asking her some random questions.  Very casually.  I now know everything I need to know about which friendships to encourage & which to discourage.

There was that one particular girl in the neighborhood that I was suspicious of.  She was always nice and courteous.  However my instincts could not be swayed, there was something unsettling about her. I had no proof.  Until our "in the know" kid was able to fill me in.  She concluded her tale with the fact this girl had changed, and she just didn't like who she had become. 

Now, I think that quite possibly the truth was:  "She didn't change.  She was wearing a mask and it fell off."

I was suspect of her, because of age, wisdom and experience.  But to a child, it appeared that she went from a "good friend" to a "bad friend".

Today, I had lunch with a friend.  A few years ago, one of her friendships ended.  I asked her, "Did she change?".  My friend replied, "I don't think I knew who she really was.  I think she hid her real self very well."

All of this perspective has me examining my past relationships with people.  I had always felt that the reason our relationships ended was because something had changed.  I now wonder if these people really changed, or instead did their mask fall off.  I finally saw the person behind the mask.  

As I get older and wiser, I seem to be figuring these things out faster.  And, I wonder....

Is the mask falling off sooner... or am I knocking it off?