Stranded

It was one of those moments that can send a parent into a panic.  My van wouldn't' start.  I was stranded at home. My children were not.  I was leaving the house to pick them up from VBS and the van wouldn't start.  My children were stranded at the church.

I left a message for one of the volunteers.  But, the longer it took for me to hear back, the more panicked I was.  Thus began a mass of phone calls and text messages to every volunteer I knew would be there after the initial exodus of parents and children.  Every parent that I knew would be there picking up their children.  Particularly the ones I knew would most likely linger to talk or help afterwards.

All of this despite my knowledge that my children were safe, couldn't possibly be in a better location for this to have had happened, full of people who would know something must have happened for me to not be there.  I knew that someone would notice my children, and even if everyone I reached out to didn't see my number or text on their phones, I'd be getting a phone call from the church.  I knew my children wouldn't be left behind.

Yet I was a wreck.  I was in a panic.  I just needed to know that someone got my message.  I needed that reassurance to settle my panic.

The enemy knows what buttons to push.  He knows the things that upset us, worry us, concern us and frighten us.  He will use this knowledge to find ways to disrupt our peace, corrupt our thinking, obscure our clarity and tear at our hearts. 

Isaiah 41:10 reads  "Do not panic.  I'm with you.  There is no need to fear because I am your god.  I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. 

Father God, you are faithful to your promises and your word tells us that no word from you will ever fail.  In my weakness you are my strength.  In my pain you are my comforter.  Help me Lord, to ignore the influence of the enemy and rely on your word.  Help me to abandon my fears and worries and keep my trust in your promises.  I have nothing to fear, for you are my protector, my refuge, my rock and I lay my burdens at your feet.  Amen.

* Written By Gena McCown for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotions

Can a marriage be saved?

It's a cliche that we hear in movies.... "We don't have anything in common anymore."

It's usually the line that precedes the break up of a couple.

So, what happens when you find yourself in that position?

It happened in a conversation one evening, between a seemingly happy married couple.  He wanted physical intimacy, and that need was not being met.  She wanted emotional intimacy, and that need was not being met.  In what started as a heated argument about who should bend and catch 22's... "if you... then I..." statements.  It happened.

She said:  I don't feel connected to you.  You are at work all day.  Distracted when you get home for hours.  I feel ignored the better part of the evening.  Then when we come to bed, you thinking watching a 30 minute tv show together is enough.  I feel disconnected from you, I feel like you give me what you have left over instead of your best.

He said: You are right.  I don't know you anymore, and I haven't made the effort to.  "We don't have anything in common anymore".

Her heart sank.  Those words always lead to divorce.

She got very quiet.  Tears streaming down her face.

After a pause, he continued:   That is not good enough.  I have to change that.


What made me share this conversation, was the introduction I had been given to a website that focuses on the effects of divorce upon children.  It made me think about my parents divorce.  It made me think of some of our most difficult moments in our marriage.

I believe, firmly, that most marriages can be saved.  Even when we don't have anything in common anymore.  We don't have to walk away.  We just have to make the choice, to take a chance and make a change.

When I first met my husband we had 2 things in common.  The first was our group of friends, and the second was skating.  I was a skater girl and he was a skater boi.  Ha.  Other than that, I knew no other things that we would have in common.  It came over time, conversations when we were out with our friends.  Conversations when we were dating.  We learned there were a LOT of things we had in common.  Over the years, to be honest, my husband's interests haven't changed much.  Mine have.  I am not the same woman he married.

He has two choices.  He can leave, or he can get to know the woman I have become.

My husband chose the latter, and made the decision to begin dating me again.  Getting to know my interests, trying to have conversations with me about what he thinks I may be interested in, etc.

I have two choices.  I can leave things as is, being strangers in our own home.  Or, I can let him in & start introducing him to the things that interest me.

I chose the latter.

And that is what marriage is... not just a commitment, but a choice to continue that commitment, to reshape it, to learn about each other all over again.

Can a marriage be saved?  Yes.

You just have to be willing to do the work.  Some will require more work, more time.

What is really important? God.

I was reflecting back today on a great piece of wisdom.  For Mother's Day, we held an intimate celebration at our church.  We invited a panel of "moms" from the church to speak, instead of hiring in a professional speaker.

We gave them some leading questions.

What did you expect motherhood would look like?
What has motherhood been like in reality?
What advice do you give to moms?
How did God get you through this journey?

We had a variety of women.

The veteran grandmother.
The new grandmother.
The woman who was diagnosed with PPD.
The woman who had a child diagnosed with a disability.

You get the picture.

It was the last speaker, the seasoned grandmother, who said something that struck me as really profound.

In a nutshell, she said the only thing that is important is God.  That we introduce them to God, that we encourage the relationship with God.  That we remain consistent in our relationship with God.  That we are a positive reminder in their life of the goodness of God.

Their education, is great.  But not the most important thing.
Their participation is sports and activities, great.  But not the most important thing.
Totally healthy, organic diet... wonderful.  But not the most important thing.

And the more she spoke, the more I realized the VERY THINGS WE ALLOW TO DIVIDE US A CHRISTIANS.... are the very things that are not important.

Maybe they just don't want it? Or even need it?

A huge challenge that faces Women's Ministry teams is connecting with our younger counterparts.  They are the young women who are no longer part of the youth group, but not ready for the MOPS group.  They may be college aged, or in the early to mid thirties.  They are possibly married, maybe still single.  They have no kids.  No commitments.  They may have some disposable income, or on a fixed budget.

Regardless, the idea of coming to a Women's Ministry brunch is not appealing to them.

They see it a comfort food potluck.
Full of fancy decorations or shabby chic had made pieces.
They see tea, coffee and lemonade.
The speaker talks about marriage problems, friendship problems, kid problems.

This doesn't appeal to the young single woman, who is going out dancing on Friday Nights, taking boat trips on the weekends, hanging out a wine bar with her friends, or shopping with her sisters.  She has dates to go on, possibly to meet Mr. Right.  Her friends are getting married & she is part of that team.  She hops on planes and travels to exotic locations.

She doesn't want to get up early on a Saturday morning, her only day to sleep in.

What does Women's Ministry do to meet these women?  They start peppering in "Ladies Night Out" events where they go to a pottery class or art studio.  They invite women from the church to share their testimonies versus hiring in speakers on special topics.  They update their decor.  They reach out to these young women at retreats.  But yet, this doesn't seem to be enough to engage them for long term relationships in the ministry.

We then start trying new things... ice skating at night, or a dinner out.  Yet the young women don't show.  And the older women don't either.  They plan a brunch at a local restaurant to remove the pressure of cooking, it doesn't change the demographic of women who come. 

Leaving a Women's Ministry team to wonder:  What they are doing wrong?

I'm going to pose the idea that we are doing NOTHING WRONG, EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I am coming to a place where, I think, I understand the issue.  The issue is we are trying to include people who do not need or want to be included.  This is not something we should be offended by either.  It is ok if they don't come.

Women come to Women's Ministry events for about 4 general reasons.

1) Obligation.  Some come simply because they think they are supposed to. 

2) Desire to Connect. They come because they want and even need the fellowship, they are looking to make friendships with other believers. 

3) The Speaker or Subject.  They come because the speaker is their friend, and they are supporting her.  Or because the topic the speaker  is of interest.  Or for the "ladies night" activities, they come because they like to paint or go kayaking.

4) They Seek Jesus.  They are looking to learn and relate more to Jesus in a less intimidating setting.  Perhaps they are not ready to dive into a small group or bible study class.

On the other hand, women do NOT come for the exact OPPOSITE reasons.

1)  Not Obligated.   They don't feel an obligation to come.   It could be because they see it as antiquated and for the older women in the church.  Depending on their history, they may have been raised in a church that didn't have an active women's ministry. 

2) They are Already Connected.   Generally speaking the younger women have circle of friends who are just like them.  They have not entered that new area of adulthood where marriage, kids, finances and other obligations are consuming their time and energy.  They have friends, through college or church, already.  Their "dance cards" are full. 

3)  The Speaker or Subject, is Irrelevant.  As a young, unmarried, childless, woman.... these topics may not even be on her radar yet.  Rekindling your marriage, navigating motherhood, creating friendships... are simply not important.  YET.

4)  She Seeks Jesus.  She comes to church.  She is part of a young adults group, or even still helping out as leader with the Youth Ministry.  She is reading her bible at home.  She even has more time to go on missions trips and conferences, because she doesn't have the same restraints on her time, as the married mom or wise grandmother.  Women's Ministry events are not her path to Jesus.

So, how did I come to these conclusions? 

It was really quite simple.  I reached out to a bunch of women who fit the demographic we were looking to connect with.  I asked for their input.  I was really direct, that we as a ministry felt we were failing to meet their needs.  I asked for what we could change or what types of activities would appeal to them.

Time passed.

Nothing.

Literally, NOTHING.

For a long time.

Then, a brief email popped across my inbox...

"I'm just seeing this, sorry.  I'll think about this and get back to you."

And, I'm still waiting.

That was when it hit me.  Women's Ministry was not important to this demographic.  Not because Women's Ministry isn't important. But rather, because this particular group of women don't need it.

Not yet.

One day, they will.

And we will be to welcome them.

She didn't change. She was wearing a mask and it fell off.

I read that as part of a quote the other day.  It really got me thinking.

There is a little girl in our neighborhood, and she is the one who is "in the know".  If you want to know anything about the kids your children play with... you need to find this child amongst their circle.

One day, I started asking her some random questions.  Very casually.  I now know everything I need to know about which friendships to encourage & which to discourage.

There was that one particular girl in the neighborhood that I was suspicious of.  She was always nice and courteous.  However my instincts could not be swayed, there was something unsettling about her. I had no proof.  Until our "in the know" kid was able to fill me in.  She concluded her tale with the fact this girl had changed, and she just didn't like who she had become. 

Now, I think that quite possibly the truth was:  "She didn't change.  She was wearing a mask and it fell off."

I was suspect of her, because of age, wisdom and experience.  But to a child, it appeared that she went from a "good friend" to a "bad friend".

Today, I had lunch with a friend.  A few years ago, one of her friendships ended.  I asked her, "Did she change?".  My friend replied, "I don't think I knew who she really was.  I think she hid her real self very well."

All of this perspective has me examining my past relationships with people.  I had always felt that the reason our relationships ended was because something had changed.  I now wonder if these people really changed, or instead did their mask fall off.  I finally saw the person behind the mask.  

As I get older and wiser, I seem to be figuring these things out faster.  And, I wonder....

Is the mask falling off sooner... or am I knocking it off?

A Miserable Life

Jennifer Rothschild tells it like it is:

CLICK HERE TO READ 5 TIPS TO LIVE A MISERABLE LIFE

http://www.jenniferrothschild.com/5-tips-on-how-to-live-a-miserable-life/

#4 is probably one of my most difficult flaws to over come.  I don't ALWAYS feel this way.  But, when I am in conflict with someone, I can take everything they say or our mutual friends say personally... as if it is related some how to the conflict.  When in truth, it is totally unrelated. 

In what felt like a second, I was done. Broken. Mending.

Throughout the Old and New Testaments there are instances where people literally were so upset that they tore at their clothes.  In all instances it came at a time where a person was so distressed, so grieved by what was happening around them, that they literally tore at their clothing, sometimes stripping them off and other times leaving them in shreds.  

There were instances where this occurred because someone was mourning a death.  Others were instances where someone anointed by God was mourning over the behavior of those around them, particularly in response to lack of faithfulness or disobedience by God's people.

Joel 2:12-14
“Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

¹³ Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
¹⁴ Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God.

Rend = tear (something) into two or more pieces.

The Lord wants us to come to Him with our broken hearts.  And more importantly God wants what breaks our heart, to be the same thing that breaks His.  Because, when we are broken for God... we are bound to act on His behalf to heal those wounds.

We feed, clothe and shelter the needy.

We rescue those in despair.

We support and encourage the broken in spirit.

While my heart breaks for these people.... I have never been broken to the point of tearing at my clothes for them.  I never understood that part of scripture, being so broken by this world that I would literally tear at myself, with my own two hands.    

Then it happened the 1st time.  But, I admit I wasn't grieved for God.  It was a result of an argument with my husband.  It was the only time, he ever walked out of our bedroom and slept on the couch.  The argument was stupid, to be honest, we were both wrong in allowing something so ridiculous to escalate to that point.  I began to weep in a way that I had never known in my life.  And I felt my hands grasping at my clothes.  My husband heard my cries and returned to me.  He could feel my despair, he was broken by my tears.  We apologized and reconciled.  It has never happened again.  But I learned a lot in that moment, I learned how much I loved my husband... more than I ever realized. I realized how important our marriage was to me.  I also realized and accepted my part in what brought us to that moment.  I saw the man whom I was angry at, return to me and become tender and compassionate.  I saw him accept his role in our argument.  We vowed to never come to this place again.  And, we haven't.

For the first time, I understood the actual physicality of that type of grief, mentioned in the bible so many times.    I understood what it meant to be so broken that you would literally tear the clothes off your body.  It would be several years later that I would experience this grief again, but this time... I was not grieving for myself.  I was grieving for God.

It had been a culmination of things.  I was being hit from different directions by Christians in my life, who were claiming to know what a "good Christian" does and doesn't do.  In some cases they were united in their attack on a certain subject, in other times they were divided.  Through online media sources, I would see more and more about Christians attacking other Christians.  People who are good willed, good natured people... just trying to get it right.  My heart began to break.  Slowly.  Then, all at once.  I was overwhelmed by emotion.  I found myself in my hall way, leaned against a wall, tearing at my clothes and weeping.... deep heaping sobs.... the only words coming out of my mouth were to God... asking "WHY?"

I can't even tell you how long this happened for, it felt like an eternity.  My heart was literally broken.  I spoke my heart to God that day. 

A week or two later, I was taking a spiritual gifts test.  When it came time to look at my scores, I wasn't really surprised by the results.  Gift of Administration, yeah.. I saw that coming.  But I was very sad, as I saw my score for Evangelism was so low.  I went to my mentor, to discuss this with her, because I was obviously failing at the great commission.    I mean, how do we go out and share the gospel... if we don't... go out... and share the gospel.    

It was in this conversation with my mentor, for the first time, I vocalized my broken heart for the church.  I told her that I found myself with greater concern over the division within the church, than I was about those who were not believers.  As we explored this topic... I broke down in tears.  She asked me why I was crying, and I said "It breaks my heart, because they should know better."

After a hug and some encouragement, and my lamenting that I really wished we had a person writing to churches on behalf of God.... she said, "You need to pray about what to do with this."

She didn't try and change me, or point me in the direction of evangelism.  She recognized that my heart was breaking, for something that was breaking God's heart.  The question was, "now what?".

I do not feel of any authority to write any particular church.  Who would listen to me?  Who am I?  But the question of "now what?" lingered.

My broken heart could not be mended if I sat complacent.  Indecisive.  Wallowing in my grief.

I prayed for peace.

Then I did the exact thing that people who have a gift for administration and teaching would do... I researched.  I turned to google with search topics like "letters to the churches of America"... "broken for the churches in America"... "the church breaks my heart".  

I found two very surprising things.

1) I was not alone.  There are others who are grieving with me.  Other people who were broken hearted about how we were treating one another, how divided we were.  Wondering, where was the unity that we should have in Christ?

2)  Not a single one of these letters were filled with any sort of hate speech.  There were not letters written by churches like "Westboro Baptist Church".  These were letters filled with love for God, love for people, and great pain at what was being witnessed in the church.  Written by every day people like you and I.

And as I poured through blog posts, articles, pastors websites, etc.... everything funneled back to one thing....DIVISIVENESS.

We, as a church, are supposed to be UNITED with each other UNDER God's authority, UNDER the blood of Christ, and UNDER the direction of the Holy Spirit.

We, as a church, are supposed to be IN the world, but not OF the world.  To stand apart from the world, to be seen as different.... salt, light.  Yet, not to be absent from it, walled up in our cities built by man made rules, regulations, and standards. 

We, as the church, are too busy fighting amongst ourselves about the most ridiculous of subjects, that we are seen as nothing more than hypocrites, fools and full of hate.

No wonder the world sees us as hate filled... when we can't even love our brothers and sisters in Christ!

We stand divided on issues that in the grand scheme of salvation bear NOT ONE SHRED OF IMPORTANCE.

God, doesn't care if your baptism is a sprinkle or a dunk, in a cement baptismal or in the open ocean.  

God, doesn't care what the name of your denomination is, so long as it is a bible believing & teaching church.  

God doesn't care how you feed your babies, teach your children, decorate your home, as much as he cares that WE HAVE OUR EYES TURNED TO CHRIST!   In fact, that is the ONLY THING that matters.  That is the ONLY THING that is important.  

We care.  We think our way is right, best and we will defend it against anyone who questions otherwise.... and even those who don't.  In fact we are almost offensive with it.   Not offensive, as in rude, inappropriate.  But offensive, like in football.... aggressive.  

I realized that God was breaking my heart for what breaks His.  He is broken over the divisiveness in our churches and amongst Christians.  He is broken hearted over the infighting between each other, which keeps us from being the love, light and salt He asked of us.  We put so much effort in defending ourselves and our beliefs/traditions/denominations/etc.... that we have nothing left to represent him with.

We are told in the scriptures to clothe ourselves with kindness, gentleness, compassion, etc.

Yet we spew venom at each other.

We are told in the scriptures to think of what is good, noble, pure, worthy, etc.

Yet we spend our time pointing at everything that is "wrong" in the world, without pointing to what is right.

We are told in the scriptures that the blessed are the meek, the poor, the peacemakers, etc.

Yet we spend more time attacking others and defending ourselves, than loving and helping.

We have allowed topics like... baptism procedure, bible translations, schooling choices, baby feeding, become SPIRITUAL debates.  We fight amongst each other, and take our eyes off of Jesus.

And the scariest part to me?  We don't realize it is happening.  We stand in our righteousness, not realizing we are being played by Satan ... like puppets on strings.

The battle is not between YOU and I over human decisions. The battle is between US and Satan. Because ANYTHING that distracts us from Jesus, is a victory for him.  Anything that causes division between us, creates division between us and Jesus.  Anything that causes us to sin against each other, creates a veil between us and God.  Anything that causes us pain, pains God.

WE break God's heart every day.

And we, as His children, hurt Him more than any non-believer.    When a neighborhood child said "I hate you" or disobeys my rules, I don't like it.  But, it's not a big deal to me.  You can't follow my rules, you are not welcome here. End of story.   But, when one of MY CHILDREN says those words... or disobey me... it hurts.  When I hear one of my children yell to their sibling "I hate you".... it hurts.  My heart breaks, and I immediately intervene and being the process of reconciliation. 

I imagine God feels even worse, when He witnesses fighting between us... His children.

My heart broke over the divisiveness in the church, amongst Christians.

And I am done.  I can't change you, but I can change ME.

I can only mend my heart by loving, as God has called me to love.  By giving the same mercy, grace, love and compassion that God has given to me. 

I will not be a divisive Christian any longer.

I choose to be focused on my own sins, my own shortcomings.  I have enough to work on in myself, I will leave YOUR WORK to the Holy Spirit.

I will show people Jesus, I will show them Christ through my actions and my life.  I will not try and sell them on my version of Jesus & what living with Christ looks like. I will let the Holy Spirit do that.  I'll just handle the introductions & love them.  Any work that has to be done, will be in my life and my house.  It's time for me to start whittling away at my plank.