I have a heart for service. I love to serve others. I have always been this way, although my motivations have changed. As a child it was to make others like me. As a teen and early adult it was a mixture of reasons. I wanted to first prove that I could do it, that I was capable. For whatever reason, people generally underestimate me, and what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. I believe there was still a bit of wanting people to like me involved. I also wanted to impress people, I wanted the accolades as that was not something I got a lot of growing up. In fact, in most cases, my family saved those accolades until they were in a situation where they could show me off to others. In between those rare instances these same feats got little if any attention. I think I also had some grand illusion that I would impress just the right person and they would offer me a job doing something amazing, without me having to go to college for it. You know, blessed by some sort of natural talent that equipped me with the knowledge of everything. Even though my reasons were selfish, I still loved doing it. I never harbored ill feelings over "all the work" it took to serve, or time I dedicated to it. It never bothered me if I didn't get the recognition I was seeking. So perhaps self serving is a better description than selfish. It really wasn't only for my own gain.
As I have matured and grown closer to the Lord, I realized that I still loved to serve and I wanted to do it for Him, and His glory.
Col 3:23 reads: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men".
1 Cor 10:31 reads: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
Eph 6:7 reads: "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men."
And it is in this scripture, that you would see as an affirmation of service... I see conviction.
I like to cook. I love to bake. Whenever I provide a meal to a sick person, new mom, etc. I put a lot of effort into it. A nice basket, filled with salad, salad dressing, drink (or drink mix), fresh rolls, main course, dessert. I put it all in disposable cookware and containers so that they don't feel the burden to return anything to me. The dessert, whatever it may be, is always made from scratch.
If you were to open my pantry you would see boxes of prepackaged cake mixes, store bought cookies and snacks, the bread is from the bread aisle of the local grocery store. One night my husband was talking on the phone, and munching away on some cookies. His friend, knowing my panache for baking & that I run a small business selling sweets and treats, asked what he was eating. When my husband replied "Chips-a-hoy" cookies, his friend was shocked. He must have asked my husband why he was eating these manufactured cookies, because I heard my husband reply "She never makes that stuff for us". Ouch. In my attempt at humorous defense I recanted loudly "you don't pay me". Truthfully, it stung.
I felt convicted about it. Why don't I give my own family the best? Why is that reserved for others (paying or not)?
That started a trend of including my family in any of my baking days, for customers. If I was making something for a customer... it was easy to double the recipe and make a batch for the family. Yet, I still got stung again when the kids asked me to bake a cake one night. I couldn't exactly use the excuse that I didn't have the ingredients, as I always do. I just didn't feel like baking. I offered them up a treat in the cabinet, which satisfied their sweet tooth... but was sour in my soul. It would have only taken a few minutes to whip together a simple cake. It wasn't as if they were asking me to turn into Buddy from Cake Boss and build an exact replica of the state of Florida in cake form. They wanted a simple chocolate cake with frosting.
Again, conviction turned into action. If they asked, as long as I had what I needed, they would receive.
Today, just today, this conviction came to haunt me again. Once again, I was willing to give my best to someone else, regardless of how it impacted my family. We have been struggling with a huge decision (you can read about it in yesterdays post). I want to do what is the "right" thing, but I have forgotten my own advice to others... "Just because it is the right thing, doesn't mean it is the right thing for you". I was angry with my husband for stepping backwards in the decision, but I prayed to the Lord to change his heart or change mine. You all know that means I was really asking for God to change his heart, but instead I awoke to a change in mine.
First, I wasn't angry at my husband. I wasn't defensive to his concerns about what I can and can't do. Second, I was reminded by the Lord that my husband and I were brought together as helpmeets. We are different for a reason, and it is when we come together in agreement that amazing things can happen. But when we struggle, it shouldn't be about one of us winning. Then we are off balance. I am leading with my heart. He is leading with his head. If the Lord can't bring us together on this decision, then it isn't meant to be. Third, I reminded myself that my husband really and truly has our best interest at heart. His concerns and objections are realistic, and worthy of consideration. It was in this final discovery that I realized that I was once again looking to go above and beyond to serve others, while neglecting the very people under my roof. What are their concerns and opinions on this decision? What will the effects of our decisions be for them?
When my husband stripped away the emotional aspects of it, I was actually in total agreement with him. It was my heart that was leading me in the other direction. It's my heart that makes him love me. It's my heart that makes me love him, in spite of himself. He told me that his biggest struggle in the decision was that if he said no, I would look at him differently. He was afraid I would be disappointed. He was afraid it would ruin our marriage and we'd end up divorced. I reassured him that was not the case, that even if I didn't agree with the decision it wouldn't affect us. Then I said "I would not risk our entire family over this decision".
It was right then that I found peace. I realized that I was already risking my family by continuing this discussion. It was already dividing us. It was making him afraid that his marriage was on the line if he spoke his true feelings. He was so concerned about how I (and others) would view him. I told him that he had my total support, either way. I even admitted that I had a bit of relief that we may NOT have to do this.
But I was worried about how God would view me, him (see yesterday's post).
God had blessed Abraham with a son, Isaac. Abraham loved Issac, he was his only son... and one long awaited for. When Issac was a boy, God spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham to take Issac to a specific mountain and sacrifice Issac as a burnt offering. I can't even imagine. Even more so, I can't imagine Abraham doing this. Could I do this with one of my children? But he did. Abraham brought him up there, prepped the offering and in the last minute the Lord provided a ram to be offered instead of Issac.
Abraham was so faithful, that he was willing to do anything the Lord asked of him. He didn't withhold his son from God. In word and in deed, Abraham demonstrated his faith and his love for God.
My husband and I kept battling in circles because I felt God was calling us to this action, and he felt the exact opposite. We couldn't understand why God wasn't drawing us to a mutual decision. In our current circumstance, with this big looming decision, I was willing to do what the Lord asked of me. Just like Abraham was willing to do what the Lord asked of him. In the end, God didn't need Abraham to actually sacrifice his son. I am starting to see that God doesn't necessarily need me to complete this task. He may in fact be pleased with my willingness and my faith.
I went back to speak with my husband about this revelation. I told him I loved him. I told him this was his decision. I told him I respected his decision, supported this decision. I won't talk about it anymore.
In the same situation, the same circumstances, God can be doing something in them and with them that seems counter productive. I have long given up trying to understand God, and instead simply trust God. Even with my husband and I on totally different planes of thought, God's plan is perfect and will come to fruition.
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