In Retrospect, Part 5 ~ Happy Holidays

I love holidays.  I love the idea of them.  I love decorating.  I love celebrating them.  I love the anticipation, I love the moment it arrives and I even enjoy the days after.  Always have, and I hope I always will.

As a child, I never fully realized what it took for my mom (especially as a single mom) to accomplish this feat.  Executing secret Easter Baskets and Egg Hunts... hiding the Christmas presents, and even sneaking in to exchange a quarter for my tooth.  As much as I love holidays, I fail at it as a parent.

1.  I can't stand having to get up before the kids, sorry Easter Bunny.
2.  I hate waiting until the last minute the night before, sorry Santa Claus.
3.  I never have cash on me, sorry Tooth Fairy.
4.  I don't have the budget most of the time for the other holidays... there are no leprechaun traps being built or 15 foot blow up jack-o-lanterns.

I have made some very successful decisions though, that have worked out amazingly for my family.   I have also changed some of the decisions over the years to make it work out better.  I hope you can get something out of my experiences.

Birthdays:  I am going to start out with my biggest success.   Birthdays.  My children only have birthday parties with their friends until they are school aged.  Birth - 5 years old.  Prime years.  I take pride in these parties & I have gotten better at them.  But, once they are in school... I am not going to duplicate the celebration.  Since I send in cupcakes to school, I really do not need to also have all the class friends over for a birthday party.  They had their cake.   Instead we take the money we would have spent on the party and put it toward some sort of trip.  It might be an up and back trip to Disney World, or it may be a family trip to the local zoo.  It all depends on the budget and the current interest of the the birthday child. 

In Retrospect - I would do absolutely nothing different.  This has been one of our best decisions yet.  At 16, each of our girls will have the option of having a sweet sixteen party or taking the money we'd put into the party & putting it toward their first car.  Their choice.

The Tooth Fairy:  I wish I was the person who came up with the ideas for "not under the pillow" tooth fairy drop off locations.  Sneaking in without waking the kids, or even remembering to do it... is hard.  Especially the more kids you have and the more teeth they lose.  I rarely have cash on me appropriate for dropping off.  This has led to some serious tooth fairy inflation.  My once success is that if a tooth is left for the tooth fairy that has a cavity because of the child being lazy about brushing, she leaves floss, new toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.  But no money.


In Retrospect:  I am a big fan of skipping the under the pillow, and using the alternative methods.  Some use pillows hung on the door.  Others buy these cute little doors at the craft store and mount them on the wall at a baseboard, or at the top of a night stand.  The tooth is left in a little basket on the tooth fairy's doorstep, by morning there is a coin in it's place.  BRILLIANT.  I would also advise any parent to decide what the tooth fairy is going to leave & stock up ahead of time.  Leaving a silver dollar?  Go ahead and hit the bank and get all the silver dollars you'll need.  Going to leave a stash of tooth care supplies?  Keep them in a bin in your closet or under you bed.  Every one of my kids had a tooth fall out that I didn't even know was loose, at least once.  I was not prepared.

New Years Eve:  This is my 50/50 Holiday.  The first tradition I wanted start was taking their photo right after the ball dropped.  Unfortunately, this was not my most successful.  When a new baby would come, I would be too tired to stay up.  Sometimes we'd go out with friends, and we'd miss it.  And, sometimes... I just forgot.  We actually had 1 child before digital cameras were the norm.  I'd forget to buy film or batteries for the flash.  And once you miss a year or two, it's hard to pick it back up.  Our second tradition was only a few years ago... and it has been a huge success.  We even invite others into the mix.  One NYE I do not cook dinner.   I make a smorgasbord of goodies.  It is all of our favorite snacks, cakes, treats and appetizers.  I make it around 6pm and we eat off of it all night long.  I always make sure to have 1 or 2 items per person that is their personal favorite.

In Retrospect - It never dawned on me, when I missed those photos... that I could take one the next day.  I guess that is my OCD coming to play, if I can't do it right... I won't do it at all.  

Valentines:  I can take no credit for Valentines Day.  This is all my husband.  Each year, he buys the girls a Valentines gift.  He places it in their seat, so they find it in the morning before they go to school.

In Retrospect:  I fail at this.  I tried to do it.  I even bought these cute little lady bugs with hearts on them, that you fill each year with a gift on Valentines Day.  I filled them the first year.   I haven't seen them since.

St Patrick's Day:  I know a lot of people who do some very creative things for this holiday.  Leprechaun traps.  Leprechaun pranks.  Parades and festivals.  Heck, I can't even remember to wear green on St. Patty's Day.  In fact, just this year I finally got a cute little shamrock wreath for the the front door.  In due time, I may catch up.

In Retrospect: I wish I did embrace this more.  It relates to our heritage, and I fail at teaching our kids about recognizing our family roots.  I also have seen so many pictures from my friends and heard about the fun things they do.  I really wish I would get more into this holiday.  Perhaps it's because I was overwhelmed with cornbeef and cabbage as a kid. I might be rebelling.

April Fool's Day:  The internet is bursting with fun ideas to do to your kids on April Fool's Day.  Many of them are messy or outside my realm of acceptability, which means my OCD has problems with it.  I don't want to make a mess.  I don't want to tint my whole gallon of milk a color or waste food.  The irony here is that April Fool's Day is also my mother's birthday and I have no problem playing a good prank on her.  I have also gotten a few pranks in on my husband.  But I don't mess with the kids.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would do something on this day, but I really have no desire.  Perhaps this will be a new years resolution for me in 2014.  Play more pranks.  My grandfather would be proud if I did.

Easter:  I can put together a mean Easter Basket.  I can get it out on the table before anyone wakes up.  I can get those eggs dyed.  But I have such a hard time getting them hidden.  I can't ever seem to get up before them.  Despite my best efforts.  Especially with the plans of heading to church and their post service functions.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would have NOT gone the route of dyed eggs.  I could buy some plastic eggs, fill them & tuck them away in the garage.  I'd also avoid "hiding them" and instead just toss them in mass across the yard for more of an Easter Egg Roll (a'la the White House).  This would be far more efficient with time, I could slip out and put the eggs out while the kids are looking through their baskets.  My husband's mom used to skip hiding eggs altogether.  She actually hid the Easter Basket.  This is also an idea I think I should have entertained.

Mother's Day:  On Mother's Day... I really want to just enjoy it.  Do nothing.  I don't want to go out to a buffet.  I don't want to cook.  I don't want to clean.  I want to loaf.  There have been some years where the kids have tried to make me breakfast in bed.  Waking me up.  Ugh.

In Retrospect:  I should be a LOT more appreciative, even when they wake me up.  

4th of July:  We have never had or attended a 4th of July BBQ or event.  We slip outside to watch the fireworks from the yard, and slink back inside.  This probably surprises anyone who knows me and my political side well.

In Retrospect:  I wish we would do SOMETHING.  I am proud of my country, and I want my children to be as well.    

Halloween:  We do a decent job on Halloween. We get the costumes.  Usually a pumpkin or two.  But our decorating is far from anything enjoyable for the kids.

In Retrospect:  I would NOT buy store bought costumes.  Yes this is easier, but I really miss the idea of homemade costumes.  And, once you have set the precedent for store bought costumes, it is hard to get away from it.  Also, I think I would take advantage of the artificial pumpkins they sell at the craft store that you can carve and decorate.  Not only are they generally less expensive than the real ones, but you can add new ones each year.  Adding to a collection but also building up your decorations from year to year.  I'd also dual purpose my decorations so that they last for Halloween and Fall.  Perhaps with a few Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations added in as appropriate.  I also recall from my childhood a family known for having Halloween Parties.  I wish we would have started that tradition.  The good news is that it isn't too late.  

Thanksgiving:  We go.  We eat.  We come home.


In Retrospect, I wouldn't change this.  The kids get to spend more time with their cousins playing and having a good time.  Sure we could do more crafts or talk about what we are thankful for.  I am just glad they are able to spend time with their family.  Some holidays, I think it is good to just relax and enjoy.  

Christmas:  This is the holiday where I think I have bombed the most, but am also actively improving.

Buy a new Christmas Book each year, and read it as part of our countdown to Christmas, with Christmas Eve being reserved for the Nativity Story.   FAIL.  I missed a few years, and now to catch up would cost me a fortune in books.  Especially since when I started it the idea was to give the collection to my daughter when she became a mom. Now that I have 3 daughters... I'd have to buy in triplicate.

In Retrospect:  I could have caught up before it got out of hand, but to be honest... we were horrible about gathering around the tree to read them anyway.  We are not "that kind of family".  We would rather sit on the couch and watch Christmas movies together.  On that we have quite a collection.  I do plan to try this again, when I am a grandma.  We'll see.

Rein in the Christmas Giving.   SUCCESS.  We went from a slew of gifts to a select few.  We give them 1 gift on Christmas Eve (usually something to encourage them to go to bed, new PJ's, pillow pets, etc).  We give them 3 gifts on Christmas Day.  Something they need.  Something they want (usually small $ amount item).  Something they desire (their big ticket item).  And Santa leaves them just 1 gift.

In Retrospect:  I would have stopped giving Santa the glory sooner.  I have moments where I even wonder if I would do Santa at all, if I had it to do over.  But I enjoy the "pretend" and "magic" of it.  I won't lie.  But, I do know that if I were to start our Santa traditions over again... 1) Santa would NOT get a list, he would chose the gift to leave.  2) It would be a handmade (or appear to be handmade) gift... not something they see on tv.  Wood blocks.  Fabric baby dolls. 3) Santa would leave ONE gift, and it would be simple.  My husband works to hard to provide for this family to let some fictional man get all the credit for a slew of awesome gifts.

We also have never missed expressing to our children the importance of celebrating the birth of Jesus.

In Retrospect:  I would put even more emphasis on this.  I also wish I would have encouraged the family to do more volunteer work during this time.  We do encourage giving, participating in the Angel Tree Donations, Operation Christmas Child, etc.  But, I wish I would have encouraged more physical service.

In Retrospect, Part 4 ~ Building Friendships

When we are in school, and really quite often all the way through college years, we develop extraordinarily tight friendships.  Spending every waking minute with each other is not out of the norm.  If we were not with each other in person, we were on the phone with each other.  We didn't need to make plans for the weekend, that was a given.  The only decisions that needed to be made was exactly where we were going.

In fact in my first round of college (I got married, had my first, and then returned to college), I had a friend who actually inherited a house.  It was a given that as soon as everyone was done with their classes, we'd all meet there.  This was every night.  Seven days a week.  The only interruption was having to actually go to work or study for exams.

Due to many reasons (which will be saved for another post), I had to walk away from these friends.  It was the right decision for me, in the long run, and I don't regret it.  When I returned to college several years later, even being the married lady with a kid, I still had a tight nit group of friends.  Sure, I was not with them every second, but @ least on campus we were always together.  Since I didn't live in the dorms, I missed out on a lot of the evening and weekend activities.  It was apparent that they had better relationships with the on campus friends.  But, I was ok with that.

After college, we all went our separate ways.  They were young and single.  They were chasing their dreams.  I was grounded, married with now a second child.  I was still navigating my way through following my dreams.  I just had a different path.  Over the next years, I would find myself getting really envious.  You see, their friendships had remained intact.  They would visit each other, sleeping on each others couches.  They were part of, or at least invited to, each others weddings and baby births and other special events.  I wasn't included in any of them.  Even the local ones.

I realized even more than ever, that I was not as close to them as I thought I was.  By the time we had our third child, I was now living in a new city.  I was desperate for friends.  I also was having a hard time making any of them.  I joined a MOPS group, but I am not going to lie... it was more for me and less for my kids.   I was looking for coffee and lunch dates, maybe a girls night out.  They were looking for playdates for the kids while the moms got to chat.

Admittedly it took some time for me to get beyond pleasantries at each week's meeting and actually forming real friendships.  Please do not misinterpret that these women were not amazing women, they were and are.  They really cared about me & I really cared about them.  But many of them already had their circle of friendships, and there wasn't that much room for one more.  Plus, they were all just starting out.  They may have been a MOPS with their first born.  And if this was their 2nd or 3rd, their older children were still very young.  I came in with older kids.  It was hard to participate in the summer activities, because my eldest didn't want to do the things appropriate for the toddlers and I had no one to watch her while I took the younger two.

As for girls night out, these moms were not as available.  They were either breastfeeding, so they needed to be accessible to the baby.  Or, they needed to be home early.  I was looking for that mom, who was interested in the 10pm coffee after the kids were in bed.  Things began to get more difficult when my husband's work schedule changed & I could no longer count on what days he would be home, or even what time.

Now, all three of my kids are in school.  I have my days free.  I can meet anyone for lunch.  But of course, they need to find a baby sitter.  Or, their child needs to come with them.  Which, I am totally ok with.  But, it's not the same.  I had one friendship that I thought was really strong, and I have watched it dwindle away.  I have other friendships that I had to set boundaries on, because they were unhealthy.  And, I have a new friendship that is blooming.  One I would have never expected.

Recently I was able to have a lunch date with a friend, and we were talking about friendships. What I realized was that I was entering a new phase in friendships.  You see, when I was younger & even through my first years in MOPS, I was looking for friendships for ME. I wanted to surround myself with people who I thought were fun, that shared the same interests as me, etc.  I wasn't looking for friendships for my children.  I am at a place right now, where I am looking for more than just friendships but actual solid relationships between couples.

I want to friendships where both my husband and I are friends with the couple.  I want these to be friendships where may be we occasionally vacation together.  Where we can get together for date nights.  My kids are growing, they are going to go off to college one day and start their own lives.  I want a solid group of friends when we enter the empty nest stage.  That was what really struck me, wanting a GROUP of friends.  Not just one really good, inseparable friendship, but a group of people who are all friends with each other.  We can do things together alone with our spouses, just a few of us, or get the whole group together.

We are in the planning stages right now to take our kids on their first camping trip.  I can't help but think, that if all goes well, next time we should invite the group. Who ever can come, great.  Who ever can't, next time.

In Retrospect:  What I have been learning about building friendships has been really eye opening, and there is a lot I could have done differently. But I'll sum it up here:

Build friendships with families.  Even if you are really just looking for a girlfriend.  When the kids get along too, and dad gets thrown in to the mix... a long term SOLID relationship can begin.  

Set boundaries.  It's ok to realize a friendship is not what you need it to be, or is no longer working.  If you asked yourself "What positive thing has that person brought to my life in the last year", and you can't answer that question... that is a pretty good indicator that the friendship is no longer thriving.  Some friendships are for a purpose, some for a season and some for a lifetime.  

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Sure having 1 solid friend is nice, but you don't want to smother that person.  Nor, do you want to end up feeling alone when you really want to go and do something & they are unavailable.  But having a solid group gives you a number of friends to invite... and if they are all available... THE MORE THE MERRIER.

Be intentional.  Don't wait for the invites.  You can start the ball by sending out the invites yourself.  And do not be discouraged when someone says no.  Don't take it personally.  I can't tell you how many things I would have LOVED to go to or participate in... but I simply couldn't.  

Don't be desperate.  Don't allow yourself to become so desperate for a friend that you will compromise yourself, your values and morals, your beliefs or your sanity just to have a friend (or even to have a specific person as your friend).  Surround yourself with those who will bring out the best in you & you can do the same for them.

Finally, Don't Judge.  The person you think would be less likely to be your friend... may be one of the ones you end up spending the most time with.

And this is some of what The Word has to say on the matter:

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

 

In Retrospect, Part 3B ~ Raising My Children

In continuation of my previous thoughts, I wanted to insert this little snippet of a post.  These are more along the lines of tips I have learned through the years.

1)  On Schedule.   When I was a new mom, I was still embracing my night owl tendencies.  I thought it was totally appropriate to put the baby on MY schedule vs. creating a schedule for her.  This worked out great for me, during ages Birth - Five.  However, this is a decision I would come to regret the year she started school.  Even now, as she is getting ready to enter high school in the fall, she stays up late and has a hard time getting up in the mornings.  I recognized this mistake in enough time to not repeat it with my other two children.  I created a night owl.  It's a hard habit to break.

In Retrospect:  I highly recommend to parents not just putting their child on a schedule, but putting your children on a "school time schedule" as early as possible.  Even if you think you may eventually home school.  This will pay off for them and you in the long run.

2)  Meal Time.   When I was a new mom, I was still figuring out my way.  I never had to cook for a family.  I didn't really think about what I was feeding my family, because I was repeating the foods I was accustomed to eating.  I assumed I was fine, they would be fine.  My husband and I both face some health issues, and we are certain quite a bit of it can be related to eating convenience foods growing up.  We realized this a little too late.  By that point all of our children had been conditioned toward certain convenience foods.  Getting them to put away Velveeta Shells and Cheese for homemade Mac & Cheese has not been easy. 

In Retrospect:   I wish I would have become more concerned about the foods we eat earlier in this journey of motherhood.  I also wish I would have been more insistent about variety at younger ages, so that I got less argument at the older ages.  I am jealous of my friends who have kids who will eat sushi.

3)   Gut Instincts.  I grew up in a very sheltered home.  My mom was the person who was solely responsible for us kids, every decision was hers and the consequences of those decisions would be hers to live with.  She was a bit paranoid and over cautious.  This left us kids, me in particular, from enjoying a lot of the things kids get to enjoy growing up.  Sleepovers were limited to 2 friends.  I only had 1 friend that I could go on vacation with.  There were school trips and events I couldn't attend, because she had concerns.  I didn't want this for my kids.  I wanted them to have friends in the neighborhood.  I wanted them to have every opportunity to live their childhood to the fullest where and when I could.

In Retrospect:  I wish I would have listened to my gut instincts a bit more.  There are some friendships I would have put boundaries on, or put a stop to.  I would have kept my middle child back one year, and allowed her to start Kindergarten a year later.  I would have pursued my concerns about autism/add/adhd/etc a lot sooner.  I also wish I would have put more opportunities in place at our home.  We need to have more sleepovers HERE.  We need become the house where all the kids want to come.  This was our goal.  We have failed miserably.

4)  Setting Limits.  We are a very tech friendly family.  Unlike most of our friends, how children have had computer access since they were toddlers.  All 3 of my children by the age of 3, could put in a CD and install a new computer game.. entirely on their own.  By 5, they were able to log themselves in and playing games that even gave me difficulty in regards to coordination.  By 6, they were even playing games online with their dad and his friends.    We embraced this because we know that technology is the way of the future, and our children will be well versed.  And, we also knew there was nothing they could do to the computer that their dad couldn't fix.    Our kids each have their own computer, with specs built according to their needs.   

In Retrospect:  I wish we would have put some limitations in place.  Not because I believe it will rot their brains, and limit "screen time" like some many professionals suggest.  I believe that screen time is going to be part of their daily lives as adults... and increasing for generations to come.  But, I wish we would have set limits to the actually accessibility of their computers.  Setting a reasonable time frame each day that they are allowed on the computer, to ensure they are also spending adequate time on other things.  Not rushing through homework, to get online to play a game.  

5)  What belongs to who?  We apply a lot of possessive labels in our home.  Which is great for creating boundaries and respect for other people's property. However a sense of ownership and entitlement can accompany that very quickly.  For example, with our eldest...it's her cel phone.  We gave it to her, called it her phone, etc.  Now, she believes that she owns it...and when we have to apply a consequence or limit what she can use her phone for, we get a lot of attitude and argument.

"But, it's MY phone."

In Retrospect:  I would have been much firmer in these types of scenarios of making it clear that it is MINE and I am allowing you to use it.  In fact, to be entirely honest, in the case of the phone in particular... I would have bought the 3rd phone as a "Kids Phone" and not specifically for my eldest.  It would have had a universal storage place in the house, vs. being charged in my eldest daughters room.  It would be taken from that spot when any of the kids were leaving the house with us not present.  Which, currently is only my eldest, but that will be changing in just a few short years.

6)  Cause and Effect.  As a young mom, I had a weird notion that I just needed to survive the toddler years.  Then when they were old enough, I could just reason with them & expect them to fall in line with the rules.  I also thought I could reason with them about discipline and consequences.  I am learning even now, with a teenager, that you can't reason with them.  At least not the way I envisioned it working.

In Retrospect:  I would have loved to have realized this lesson much earlier.  It is something that I have been able to correct in my middle child, instill from the beginning with my youngest.  But my eldest and I still battle about Cause and Effect, and accepting the consequences of the choices she makes.  I would have been much conscious of my discipline techniques and applied them at a much earlier age.

God of Wonders

Do you find yourself caught in doubt? Have you ever wondered what God is doing in your life, circumstances or in the world around you?

I wonder what God is doing in this situation?

I wonder what God is trying to teach me?

I wonder when God is going to answer my prayers?

Most Christians will admit to a time in their life where they wondered about God and his plans.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG) “I don't think the way you think. The way you work is not the way I work. For as the sky soars above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond what you think.”.

It is comforting to me, in my moments of doubt and wonder, to cling to this scripture. I may never on this earth or in paradise know what God was doing, but God definitely knows what He has in store for us. However, I still can't help falling into moments of wonder.

I wonder what God sees in me? God sees what no one else sees, because He created me and He chose me to belong to Him. This has been part of His plan since the foundations of creation. (Ephesians 1:4-6 & Ephesians 1:11)

Ephesians 1:11 – We were chosen to belong to him. God decided to chose us long ago in keeping with his plan. He works out everything to fit his plan and purpose.

I wonder if God hears my prayers? God may not be appearing to answer your prayers, but what you may not see is what God is doing in the background. We have to trust that He has our best interest at heart, and that all things will be done in His perfect timing. Our prayers will be answered according to His will, not our own.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 – Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when the heat comes, for it's leaves remain green , and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

I wonder what God has planned for me? If God does see something in me, if His ways are not my ways, and God is hearing my prayers.... then what exactly is it that God is doing in my life? What does he have planned? Scripture tells us that God knows us well.

Psalm 139:-4 – O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.

God knows what we are capable of on our own, and what we are capable of when we let Him guide us. He takes our natural gifts and magnifies them. He equips those He calls & at the appointed time He has called them.

I wonder if others can see what God is doing? Sometimes we begin to wonder if others can see what God is doing, even when we can't. We may be getting better at our prayer life, digging into the Word more, attending church regularly... but are we really different? Are others able to see Christ in us? Are we a good representation of Christ in the world? Growth and change take time. Others may see changes long before we recognize them. But God is working in us so that we become that “new creation” spoken about in 2 Corinthians 5:17. As we grow, God will move us along in His plan. It is a journey, and for some of us the journey will be longer than others.

Colossians 1:10-11 – And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.

I wonder if God really cares about me? I am just one little person in this big world. God cares so much about us, He sent is own son to die on a cross for each of us. You and me. He has known every day we would live before the first was written. He created us, knitting us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). He puts support in place for us, to help us on our journey through this life. This support comes in the form of the Holy Spirit within us, His Word that we can depend on and learn from, our Church and sisters in Christ that we can lean on and grown with.

I wonder what will happen if and when I mess up? I am not perfect. In the parable of the prodigal son, we see a son who was raised just like his brothers... but went off on his own path. But when he returns home, his father accepts him, arms wide open and tends to all his needs. (Luke 15)

God isn't finished with us yet. We will stumble and fall sometimes, but God doesn't give up on us. He welcomes us back with open arms.

I wonder what I ever did to deserve the love that God has for me? Nothing.

God loves us, because God is love (John 4:8)

God loves us, because God created us. (Genesis 1:26-28)

He loves us when we don't love him. He is faithful to the faithless (2 Tim 2:13)

I wonder if God knows how much I love him and how thankful I am for his blessings in my life?

What are you doing in your life to answer that question?

* Written for the TC3 Women's Ministry Devotion Blog

In Retrospect, Part 3 ~ Raising my Children

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

That piece of scripture is so true.  When you get a group of women together, especially when one of them is pregnant, we tend to share our birth stories.  We can recall a lot of it, but I can honestly tell you that I can't recall the physical pain, not on a tangible level.   I broke my ankle when I was a child, and I do have the ability to recall how badly it hurt, the excruciating pain of it.  When I tell the story of how I broke my ankle, it is never followed by "but it was worth it".  Yet, every birth story I have told or heard will end with that same sentiment.  I have no sensory recall of it, but I do know it was hard, it seemed to take for ever, I was relieved when it was done, and I had never felt so much love in my life.  With each child it was more and more love.  Less and less memory of all of the difficulty getting there. 

Having a child is literally the most joyous moment of my life.

But, raising my children has been quite the opposite.  Sure, when they are babies and we are experiencing the series of "firsts" it is nothing but wonderful.  The first time you hear "I love you mommy" your heart swells inside of your chest.  The first time they give you a kiss without you asking for it, is momenumental.

The first time they tell you "I hate you"... cuts deep, like a sword straight through your heart.

You know that they don't mean it, but the words hurt.  Deeply.  

Even that doesn't prepare you for they day they simply STOP.  Stop telling you, I love you.  Stop giving you hugs and kisses.  Stop wanting your attention and input.  Stop wanting you to be around.  

You start in a position where you are EVERYTHING to your child.  You do everything for them.  You are everything to them.  Suddenly you feel like you are nothing.  Then you begin to feel like you are their enemy.  

I wanted nothing more than to have that relationship with my children that they would WANT to be with me, to be the cool mom that everyone loved.  I realized quickly that I was failing at that role, as we entered the teenage years.  I know that most of it is simply "growing up".  One day my daughters will leave this house & cleave to their new husbands.  These years of teenage angst and pushing us away is part of that "cutting the cord" process.  They are creating distance between us so that they CAN leave.  It will be easier on them.  It will be easier on us.  

I am also realizing that part of this is my fault.  I was a young mom.  I was a selfish mom.  I didn't really understand the needs of a baby.  I was the youngest in my family, I had no chance to watch my mom raise an infant.   I read a few books, mostly about development and milestones.  None really focused on the emotional and relational aspects.  I was the first of my friends to get pregnant, so I didn't even had advice from anyone who was already going through it.  I was thrust into motherhood, unprepared.  

I distinctly recall with my first, encouraging her to be able to play on her own.  I was an independent person, after all.  I wanted to raise my daughter to be a strong independent woman.  I was encouraging her to make her own decisions, to not need anyone else.

Including me.

My second child would be a very HIGH SPIRITED child.  She was very needy, she required a LOT of my attention.  But I wasn't prepared to give her as much as she needed.  I would find myself in a place where I was sometimes just trying to get away from her.  (This is not an easy admission for a mom).  She was simply a LOT to handle.  In fact, once we had her... the grandparents were not quite so eager to babysit the kids as they used to be.  They would take the eldest... but leave her home.

Please don't judge them.

By my third, I was starting to get my act together.  I attribute so much of my progress to joining a local MOPS group.  I had a chance to see how other parented, biblical standards of parenting, and introduced to a SLEW of resources I didn't even know existed.  I can say confidently a better mother now, than I ever was.

This is no way means that I neglected or didn't love my children.  Far from the truth.  But I certainly had a lot to learn and it took me 3 kids to figure it all out.  Unfortunately a  little to late.  By this point my 1st was getting older, and at the time I am writing this... she is a teenager.  I have seen the results of some of my poor parenting choices almost daily, until recently.

It was one day, when I got one of those deep cutting "I hate you" moments that I decided to make a change.

In retrospect, I would have spent a lot more time developing a relationship with my daughters from a very young age.  My goal now is to look at each chance to interact with them as a blessing.  Before I turn them away, I ask myself... will I regret this decision?  I tend to stop what I am doing more now, and engage with them.  And most of my responses of NO have become NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND & I set a time.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Proverbs 29:17 sounds so encouraging, doesn't it.  I have yet to experience that.  I tell my children all the time how much it hurts me to have to discipline them.  I don't want this strain in our relationship.  I don't want to have to hear them retort at me their hatred of me.  I don't want to take away their fun.  I don't want to "ruin their life".  Yet, I do what I must... I am their mom, I love them, I want the best for them and I want them to grow into responsible God fearing women.

It all happened on lovely day, apply sarcasm here.  A bad report card came home.  It all hit the fan.  I want you to understand that I do not expect perfection from my children.  If their best is a C, then they have done their best & I can ask no more.  I can only do the best I can to help them where they struggle.  But when they are not willing to even try, when I see missing assignments.... This isn't your best.  So, since this was a recurring problem, she was grounded.  In our home that means no computer, no phone, no going anywhere.  And so it began... the "I hate you" flung in my face, followed by a string of "I can't do better"... "I am stupid... just accept it"... "I don't care about my grades, or you"... a threat of running away was also in there at some point, but I knew it was just a threat.  And my personal favorite argument "you don't understand what it is like...".  Because, as you know, I went straight from being in elementary school to adulthood.  I have no concept at all of being a "teen".  (I am sure you are noting my sarcasm there, too.)

She went to school the next day.  I went to the office supply store.  It took several hundred post it notes and several sharpies to complete my vision.  You see, I had decided to woo my daughter.  I covered the 2 mirrored closet doors... ENTIRELY... with post it notes.  Each one had something about her that I loved, respected or believed about her.  I wanted her to know that I "see her".  I wanted her to understand that "I get it".  I wanted her to see her self through my eyes.  I never wanted her to doubt my love again.

I was proud of myself.  When she got home from school, she went in her room.  I never heard a word about it.  The next time I went in her room, they were gone. My heart was broken.  It probably took her minutes to tear down this "wall of love" that I spent all day building.  I felt defeated, but I didn't give up.  I tried to figure out what her love language was.  I bought her little random gifts, that showed I knew what things she was interested in.  I would ask her to accompany me on errands.  I'd try to hug or kiss her on the cheek, tell her I love her.  I would praise her for the things she did well & I would purposely criticize less.  I would do some of her chores while she was at school so that she could come home and relax (and not have to deal with her dad getting on her case about them).  I could not figure this kid out.

In retrospect, I should have been doing this more often... and a lot sooner.  It's easier to keep your child's heart than to try and win it back.

Proverbs 22:6  Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 The good news is that God's Word and His promises are always TRUE and DEPENDABLE.

I may have made some poor parenting decisions, but my foundations were solid.  My children KNOW that I love them.  I never let a day pass where I don't say it, at least once.  (Which is a LOT more than I got as a child).  I also never stop trying.  She may be a teenager, and she may try to swat me away... but I still try to sneak in a kiss on her forehead or a bear hug.

I have also made the decision that I needed to verbally tell them that I was going to be a better mom.  I was going to try harder & they were allowed to call me out when ever I was slipping.

I remember growing up, having a very strained relationship with my mom.  I didn't want that with my own children.  But to be honest, it was such a hard relationship... and I had heard so many stories about how you become the parent you were raised by, I didn't even want children of my own.  I didn't want to be a mom, if it meant my relationship was going to be bad.  (Of course now you will see tons of internet meme quotes saying "If you kid hates you, you are doing it right).  Anyway, I didn't want kids.  At all.  Ever.

I have three.

One night, when we were talking about "God Stuff"... I said something to the effect of being eager for Jesus's return.  And my daughter said, "But I want to get married and have kids".

She wants to be a mom.

I did something right. 

Small victory, but I'll take it.

In retrospect, I realize that my mom was doing the best she could with the hand she was dealt.  Our relationship is much better.  And our relationship NOW constantly provides me with hope, of what will one day happen with my own daughters.  Our relationship may change, for a time, but it will not always stay that way.

It was only recently (in just the last few months), I am starting to see this come to fruition.

She told me, albeit in response, that she loved me.  On the phone.  When she was with her friends.

She let me hug her, on more than one occasion.

She has been coming to me daily to talk about her friends, her boyfriend, and other random things.

And I hang on every word of it. 

In Retrospect.. Part 2 ~ Loving My Husband

We all know marriage isn't easy.  If it was, we'd have less divorce.  If it was, we'd have people flocking to marriage vs.running from it.  When you grow up with a positive image of marriage, you realize that despite marriage being hard it is very rewarding.  You know that the good times will out number the bad.  You will understand the meaning of commitment, you will work to improve yourself and your relationship.  You will prioritize your spouse over yourself.  You will also learn to replicate this in your own home.  When both spouses come from homes that had successful marriages, it is a LOT easier to have the same for themselves.  Why?

1)  They understand that it is POSSIBLE.
2)  They witness the WORK that their parents put into it.
3)  They TRUST that it is worth it for the long haul, especially their kids.

I have never understood the people who stay married for the kids, and as soon as their kids are moved out of the house... they divorce.  Do they not think that their divorce will impact their children?  Do they not wonder if the children will look back on their childhood as a lie?  That everything they saw their parents doing, everything they heard them say... was just a show?

I don't fall in to either of these categories, nor does my husband.  We both come from divorced families, and in both of our cases both parents would remarry (sometimes several times).  However, we do have one big difference.  In the case of my husband, his parents would each remarry and the marriages would be lengthy, and the majority of the life he had a step parent.  He has had very few years where in each home, there was not a father and mother figure.  In fact, my husband is still close to his step-father today, even though his mother passed over 6 years ago.  They are actually closer.

I, on the other hand, have spent more time with a single parent, only counting a few years of actually having a step parent present in my life.  Most of which, I don't even remember.  The most influential person brought into my life, was a man my mother would have married.  Sadly, he passed away.  My father did remarry, I was practically an adult and he thousands of miles away.  To this day, I have only seen her in person once.

My husband, despite coming from a divorced family, still had a fairly good representation of marriage.  He understood the roles of the husband and the wife.  He understood the dynamics of people living together.  He understood the concepts of compromise, sacrifice, spousal love, etc.

In my case, I really had no concept.  My mother had custody of us.  She was mostly single, her marriages didn't last long.  I had no comprehension of what it was like to have to compromise... my mom was in charge.  She made the decisions.  End of story.  There were no dinner table conversations about how to handle anything.  I didn't even have an idea of what was acceptable PDA (public displays of affection) in front of children.  I didn't know how to be "romantic" in my home, when there we peering eyes of children.  I never witnessed my mom flirting with my dad, or my dad chasing her around the kitchen.  There was no playful banter.  There were also no arguments that had to be resolved.  I didn't understand conflict resolution at all.  I was handicapped when I came into my marriage, emotionally and literally.  I didn't know how.

In the literal sense, I was handicapped is most senses of the word.  I didn't know how to cook.  I didn't know how to clean (not REAL cleaning).  I didn't understand budgeting.  I didn't grasp the roles my husband and I would have in the home.  I didn't know how to physical respond, or what the expectations would be.  I didn't realize how much my life would change.

In the emotional sense, I was handicapped.. much like the child who didn't like physical affection, who doesn't know how to relate, who wanted everything my way and demanded it so.  But more so, I was emotionally untrusting of "marriage".  I wondered when it would be that my marriage would end.  I was anticipating it.  Things would get tough, he would leave, then I would do what my mom did.  I didn't realize at the time that I was actually pushing him out the door.

I honestly can't recall a specific thing I did, I just know... deep down... that I was guarded, waiting for the shoe to drop; and I emotionally kept myself at a distance so it wouldn't hurt so bad when it happened.  You can't tell me that won't affect your marriage on it's own.  Perhaps things were tough, and perhaps he found me difficult, and perhaps he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. I wasn't making it any easier.

I just knew I wasn't going to be the one to take that first step.  I wouldn't ask for a divorce.  But, I'd sign the papers if he brought them to me.  I attribute that to my deep inner desire to never fail at anything.  It is easy to be blinded and blame it on the other person...all the while, you are pushing and pushing.  I had played the scenario out in my head many times.  I also complained a LOT to my mother about him.  I think I was prepping her to be on my side, edging her to think the worst of him, and even preparing her to come to my rescue when the time came.

While all of this was going on, interestingly enough, my faith journey was really just beginning.  I was growing closer to God.. and over time I would begin to realize that I wasn't being a good wife.  I wasn't responding to my marriage how God would have wanted me to.  I wasn't respecting my marriage covenant.  To divorce my husband would be breaking my vow to God.  I was going to try and make it better.

It would be in that attempt, I would come to fall in love with the Proverbs 31 Woman.  I wanted to be that.  I tried.  I failed.  But, I didn't give up.

It would take several more years of trying, failing and not giving up.  I would have moments where I felt like I was the only one trying.  Criticizing my husband for what he wasn't doing.  The sacrificing he wasn't making.  It wasn't working.

What I did realize was the my husband was still there.  He had every good reason to leave me years ago, but he didn't.

- He was dedicated to his marriage
- He was dedicated to his children
- He was dedicated to God, even if not in the way I wanted him to be.

Admission:  I spent a LOT of time trying to be my husband's holy spirit.    Bad plan.

I dug further into the Proverbs 31 Woman... and I began to GET IT.  It wasn't about all the things listed in the scripture that she did.  It was about her relationship with God, her "fear of the Lord that was worthy of praise".... THAT WAS THE KEY!

The more I dug into it, I realized my story would be different.  Proverbs 31 was not a check list.  It was inspiration.  It was hope.  It was confidence.  It was affirmation. It was everything I didn't think it was going to be.

Over the last several years, my marriage has come to a place where it is better than it ever was.  When my husband was having the first of two major surgeries... my fear of losing him bubbled to the surface and the love I had for this man was overflowing.  I couldn't really handle it.  My faith in God to provide for us in this time was strengthened.  For the next 8 months, while he would be home recovering, we would learn to depend on each other in ways we had never needed to prior.  And, we are all the better for it.

I am still learning to be a better wife.  I still fail.  I still keep on trying.  I am less focused on what I think he needs to be doing, and more focused about what I need to be doing.  How can I be a better wife?  How can I be a better mother?  How can I keep a better house?  How can I show him how much I appreciate everything he does for us?  How can I show him that I love him?  How can I become that woman, that he praises at the city gates?

It starts with:

1) Strengthening your relationship with God & praying for his influence in your marriage.

Matthew 19:4-6  

 Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

2) Look at yourself & your role in the marriage.  Are you doing your part?

This article sums it up nicely: The Wife's Role in Marriage

3) Refusal to keep score, count wrongs, hold grudges, nag, and all those things that create division.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

4) Choose to not only see, but recognize, his very best attributes.  Keep them on the forefront of your mind.

Ephesians 4:2

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.

In retrospect:  Had I turned to God sooner, had I made the realization faster that I can't be my husband's holy spirit, had I determined to focus on myself, and had I allowed my walls to YEARS ago... maybe we would have reached this place sooner.  Either way, I couldn't be happier in my marriage.  I don't expect anything more than who my husband is, the way God created him.  I love him, and extend him grace... the same way, I would want him to do for me.

In Retrospect... Part 1 ~ Tending the Home

When I was growing up, we were not really given chores in the sense of a regular occurring responsibility in the home.  My grandmother was a "do it yourself, so it gets done right" kind of woman.  My mother definitely embraced the mentality that kids are only kids for a short time, and will have a lifetime of responsibilities.  That doesn't mean we sat around and did nothing, but she wanted us to enjoy our childhood.  The expectations on us were to go to school, get good grades, clean our room when she told us to, and then to do the random things she would ask of us.  It was sort of an "as needed basis" expectation.

In memory I can really only recall having to do things like move a load of wash into the dryer, or put the trash out.  I honestly don't recall her ever asking me to wash any dishes or clean up the house.  There were times I did it "just because", but I won't lie... that was rare.  Like the time I made dinner for her on Mother's Day, and left all the clean up for her.  We can both laugh at it now, and I am sure at the time she appreciated the thought behind it.  But, I realize, that my attempt to do something nice (make dinner) actually created more work for her in the end.  At least she knows my heart was in the right place.

In retrospect, I have realized that you need to find the balance between both.  Allowing your children to have a manageable chore list that doesn't consume their day, yet helps them contribute to the family in a tangible way.  I once read a suggestion that you should give your child one chore for every year in age.  That is fine and dandy when they are 3, but once they hit 16?  This is a child who is already going to be overloaded with high school work, social or sport obligations, etc.  Expecting them to also complete 16 chores each week is a bit much.  I want my children to know how to relax and have down time. 

Everything I knew about cleaning the home was something I really witnessed, more than actual practice.  Sure, I took Home Eec at school.  I can sew on a button in record time.  I learned to cook meals from recipes.  I can still follow directions perfectly.  I understand WHY we cleaned, and what we USED to clean, but I really was never taught HOW to clean in Home Ec.  From watching my grandmother, I had a lot of questions.  Such as:  Why on Earth would she wash the walls once a month?  and my personal favorite from that time period Why is Grandma raking the carpet?

These were things I just didn't understand and thought that perhaps my grandmother was a little OCD.

In retrospect, now that I have children, I absolutely understand why she would wash the walls down once a month.  And yes, you will even find me doing it every now and again.  Not monthly, but several times a year. 

My mother was very busy, she was a single mom supporting three children.  She sometimes had more than one job. For much of these years, it was simply a matter of getting it done.  She would have her methods that wouldn't make sense to me, but she was maximizing her time as efficiently as possible. 

In retrospect, now that I have my own busy life, I can see the need to develop your own system that works to get the job done.

Unfortunately, when I first became a wife and parent, I began as a micromanager.  I bought into my grandmother's mentality that it was easier to do it right the first time, my way, and get out of my way while I do it.

In retrospect, I realize that by doing this they will not learn HOW to do anything.  I am not equipping them for adulthood.  I am setting them up to have to fumble through some of this on their own, just like I did.  This is hard for me, as allowing them to do it does not always mean it will be done the way I want it done.  I have had to learn to bend and compromise.  As long as it is done, I need to not care that they did it in their own way.

When you have this mentality to do it yourself, the right way... and then you add in the idea that "kids should be kids" like my mom felt... you will suddenly find yourself doing everything.  You will resent those who do not offer to help (because you don't ask, you want them to offer).  You get angry when you ask them to do something and they don't do it in your time frame (because you have never given them reason to).  You feel unappreciated as they get older and still expect you to do everything (because you have taught them that you want to do it yourself anyway).  You get tired of doing the chores and tending the home (because you have been doing it alone for umpteen years and you are just over it).

In retrospect, I realize that I should have involved them more.  I should have had some expectations in place.  I should have never allowed it to get to the place of resentment or anger.  I should have asked more often.  But, I also realize that this is the role I have chosen and most of this comes with the job.  I can't give it all away.

I have been learning to do a better job,every year I have improved over the year before.  In part it is because I am finally at a place where I accept that this is the role I have chosen, and that the most difficult years (cleaning up toys, spills on the ground, etc) are quickly passing me by. Soon finding a toy in the house will be like trying to find a unicorn.   My life will resemble Toy Story 3.  

I have also begun to find contentment in my life.  It is really hard to WANT to clean that house or apartment that you think is too small.  It is hard to want to take care of the hand me down furniture.  Why bother vacuuming the couch now that your child took a sharpie marker to it.  It is very difficult to muster the motivation to clean your child's room when you know in 15 minutes it's going to be destroyed again.  It is easy to give up.  It is easy to fall into a trap that NEW will make it better.  A new storage system will keep their room clean.  RIGHT?  A bigger house will give you more room and storage and things won't get so messy.  REALLY?  A new house or piece of furniture will create more motivation to keep it clean because it is new vs. that dingy old hand me down that you don't care about.  ABSOLUTELY?

In retrospect, I realized that more space means more stuff.   I realized that you can buy all the organization tools in the world, but if you don't use them... then you won't get it done and you wasted your money.  I realized that new doesn't make it better, because nothing stays NEW.  Not  unless it is the formal living room set you bough for the sitting room that no one is allowed to sit on, unless you have guests over... and you never have guests over.

What I had to realize was that I had to be content with the life I had.  I had to appreciate the things I had.  But I also realized that I needed to tend to and care for what I already had before God would bless me with something bigger and better.  

Now, the funny thing is... I don't want bigger.  I don't want better.  I want only what I need and works for me now.

I had the opportunity to the clean the house of woman, it was a one time gig, who had a MUCH bigger home than I did.  I thought it would be super easy because she didn't have kids, didn't have pets, was rarely home.  It too FOREVER.  Sure there was no grime to clean up.  There wasn't a ton of pet hair stuck to everything.  She just had a lot of rooms, with general stuff in it.  I wouldn't call it cluttered, or even say that she had too much stuff in the house.  Not at all.  In fact she had a regular cleaning person (I was just helping out temporarily).  But, there was just so much to wipe down and polish.

I came home that night and told my husband I didn't want a bigger house.  Ever.

I also began ridding my home of a lot of unnecessary things that were eating up my time and my energy.  Last night I needed to clean the guest bathroom and main living areas of the house and I mean CLEAN it.  Polish the furniture, wipe down the kitchen cabinets, etc.  I had the whole thing done, including mopping within about an hour.  That was nice.  Really nice.  I still have a lot to go in the kids rooms and such.  But getting to the place of "less is more" is freeing.  Less = more time.  Less = more energy.  Less = more space.

In retrospect, I should have realized a lot sooner that the solution to too much stuff, too much to clean... was NOT buying MORE stuff.  There is never going to be enough containers or room for storage when you keep getting more.  I should have begun purging a long, long time ago.  I am finding so much more peace in my life having LESS.  And since I have less, I need less.  And since I am content about it, I don't find myself wanting.

What it comes down to is being happy with what I have been blessed with, and finding joy.  And that starts with a purposeful change in MY attitude.

Tending the home is important, it is my job and I want to do it well.  Not just for my family, but for myself.  When my children talk about their childhood, I don't want them to remember chaos and clutter, but sitting around the table and playing board games.  I want them to find a level of responsibility of caring for what belongs to us.  I want to teach them how, so they are equipped when they are starting their own households.  I also want them to be able to look back and remember having fun and hanging out, not being a workhorse.  

In retrospect, I could have been a better keeper of the home.  In present day, I am working on improving.  My goal is to teach my children, make my home happier for all who live in it, and not be so bogged down in cleaning and caring for stuff... that I miss out on life.